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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Wedding Parent Etiquette

Hello! I'm going to be ordering my wedding invites very soon, but am not so sure about the wording and how much that really means..... my parents are basically funding our main budget. I have put in money myself for most of my own things such as my dress and accessories for the big day, and most of the accessory items such as cake topper, cake server/cutter, groom and father bouttonniers, lighting, sand ceremony items, card box, finishing touches, as well as our honeymoon and other things that I personally want. My hubby-to-be has also helped out with minor accessories as well such as my bouquets and his groomsmen bouttonniers, his mom's coursage, and he does want a particular beer along with our alcohol package so he will be paying for that among other small things. I have a few questions as to how I should word my invitations? His parents have given us a small amount of money and not really offered to help out as much as I thought they would. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely grateful, but where I am from I guess the tradition is for the groom's side to afford the alcohol and the rehearsal dinner. What they have given would basically only cover about a quarter of those expenses. The rest will be paid for by us and my parents. So I am wondering first of all, should I include his parents' names on our invitations along with my parents? If I only put my parents' names, is that rude? I wasn't sure about how much that matters. We will also plan on getting my parents a very nice gift for throwing us such a nice wedding, but I'm not so sure about getting his parents a gift. I was thinking maybe we should, but would it be wrong if we did not spend as much on a gift for them as we do for my parents? I just don't really know what the etiquette is...I'm not trying to be rude or ungrateful or leave anyone out, so any help would be much appreciated. Thanks.

Re: Wedding Parent Etiquette

  • Hello! I'm going to be ordering my wedding invites very soon, but am not so sure about the wording and how much that really means..... my parents are basically funding our main budget. I have put in money myself for most of my own things such as my dress and accessories for the big day, and most of the accessory items such as cake topper, cake server/cutter, groom and father bouttonniers, lighting, sand ceremony items, card box, finishing touches, as well as our honeymoon and other things that I personally want. My hubby-to-be has also helped out with minor accessories as well such as my bouquets and his groomsmen bouttonniers, his mom's coursage, and he does want a particular beer along with our alcohol package so he will be paying for that among other small things. I have a few questions as to how I should word my invitations? His parents have given us a small amount of money and not really offered to help out as much as I thought they would. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely grateful, but where I am from I guess the tradition is for the groom's side to afford the alcohol and the rehearsal dinner. What they have given would basically only cover about a quarter of those expenses. The rest will be paid for by us and my parents. So I am wondering first of all, should I include his parents' names on our invitations along with my parents? If I only put my parents' names, is that rude? I wasn't sure about how much that matters. We will also plan on getting my parents a very nice gift for throwing us such a nice wedding, but I'm not so sure about getting his parents a gift. I was thinking maybe we should, but would it be wrong if we did not spend as much on a gift for them as we do for my parents? I just don't really know what the etiquette is...I'm not trying to be rude or ungrateful or leave anyone out, so any help would be much appreciated. Thanks.

    Your invitations should not indicate who is paying, but who is hosting.  Also, giving your parents a bigger gift because they contributed leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  No one was required to pay for the wedding except you and your FI.  I would get parent gifts for both sets, and don't base it off of financial contribution.  

    @CMGragain can help with the invitation wording.  


    image
  • Paying and hosting are not the same thing. Hosting would mean they are the point people for greeting guests, answering questions, making sure people are comfortable, etc. Are your parents paying AND hosting? If so:

    Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Smith
    request the honour of your presence (use "request the pleasure of your company" if not a church)
    at the marriage of
    BrideFirst BrideMiddle BrideLast
    and
    GroomFirst GroomMiddle GroomLast
    Saturday, the twenty-fifth of July
    at half after four o'clock
    Venue Name
    Venue Address
    Venue City, Venue State
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • Invitations are based on who is hosting as PP said.

    Also giving your parents a gift based on what they spent is icky.  Get them both something that's heartfelt rather than expensive, i.e. a photo frame with a handwritten thank you they can use for wedding pictures when you get prints.


  • Thank you! Honestly, I had no idea we were even supposed to get parents gifts until my friend who was married last year said we were supposed to. I didn't really know how involved that was supposed to be since they bought her mom a big screen tv....so I was under the impression that should be a big thank you gift.
  • hugsy76103 said:Thank you! Honestly, I had no idea we were even supposed to get parents gifts until my friend who was married last year said we were supposed to. I didn't really know how involved that was supposed to be since they bought her mom a big screen tv....so I was under the impression that should be a big thank you gift.


    Well, you aren't "supposed to", but it's nice if you
    choose to do it. We gave our parents each a custom frame and then had a wedding photo put into it after the wedding. 

    A big screen TV is WAY overkill, IMO.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    The wording of invitations, as PPs have mentioned, is based on who is hosting and not who is paying, which are not the same thing.

    Who's funding what isn't the guests' business. Rather, who the point persons, that is, issue the invitations, receive the replies, greet the guests at the reception, and make the arrangements that provide for their needs, determine who the hosts are. The persons who are doing these things are the ones who should be listed as the hosts.

    Also as PPs have said, don't use funding or the lack thereof to determine what you give either set of parents. It's not a reward for funding.
  • fyrchkfyrchk member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    My FI's mother is single and can't afford to help us at all. We understand that. But because my parents are helping with the cost, we are putting their names on our invitation. But, we will be getting both a gift. I figure my parents are hosting the reception, so I will put their names on the invitation. His mother will be thanked during the RD...because without her, I wouldn't have my FI
  • Thank you! Honestly, I had no idea we were even supposed to get parents gifts until my friend who was married last year said we were supposed to. I didn't really know how involved that was supposed to be since they bought her mom a big screen tv....so I was under the impression that should be a big thank you gift.

    They're optional, but remember parent gifts are to thank them for their love and support of your marriage, not for their $.  And FWIW I forgot the frames I'd wrapped in my trunk so they didn't actually even get them, because once I got photos I made them each an album instead.
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    We gave our parents photo albums from the wedding (I made and ordered them on Shutterfly- turned out really nice!). 

    On our invitations we said "Together with their families...."
  • RezIpsaRezIpsa member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    SP29 said:

    We gave our parents photo albums from the wedding (I made and ordered them on Shutterfly- turned out really nice!). 

    What a great idea! My folks would love that.
  • SP29 said:

    We gave our parents photo albums from the wedding (I made and ordered them on Shutterfly- turned out really nice!). 


    On our invitations we said "Together with their families...."
    We also gave our parents albums after the wedding from Shutterfly! We did also give them smaller gifts at the rehearsal dinner too. And since DH and I did everything for our wedding ourselves, we didn't list our parents. Neither side seemed to care, either.
    ~*~*~*~*~

  • I would probably include them but make sure your parents names are given first! If they only gave you a nominal amount, consider getting them to help out with other things like decorating, ensuring that catering is on time, etc (maybe they don't have anymore money to give, maybe that's all they gave their other kids, or maybe they just think it's yours and your fiance's responsibility, which it is but that's another topic all together). Perhaps getting them to be hands on could be a method of feeling like things are a little more even. 
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • levioosa said:

    I would probably include them but make sure your parents names are given first! If they only gave you a nominal amount, consider getting them to help out with other things like decorating, ensuring that catering is on time, etc (maybe they don't have anymore money to give, maybe that's all they gave their other kids, or maybe they just think it's yours and your fiance's responsibility, which it is but that's another topic all together). Perhaps getting them to be hands on could be a method of feeling like things are a little more even. 


    No.  All of this is wrong.  

    No one is required to help you with the wedding.  Period.  

    Please stop giving etiquette advice.  


     If she doesn't like my advice she doesn't have to take it. Clearly she wants or needs them to help and isn't sure what to do. My suggestions are not for you to criticize.  
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • edited May 2015
    I'm not sure of the etiquette on this one, but I will share what we did.   Both sets of parents and my Fi and I are contributing to the wedding.  I wanted to make sure that everyone felt acknowledged for their contributions and help organizing, but I didn't want a ton of wording on my actual invites.  We ended up going with "Together with their Parents"   It was simple and to the point. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    I'm not sure of the etiquette on this one, but I will share what we did.   Both sets of parents and my Fi and I are contributing to the wedding.  I wanted to make sure that everyone felt acknowledged for their contributions and help organizing, but I didn't want a ton of wording on my actual invites.  We ended up going with "Together with their Parents"   It was simple and to the point. 

    How the invitation is worded is not supposed to "acknowledge" anyone's financial contributions.  They aren't playbills or family trees.

    It is supposed to simply be a note from the hosts (not necessarily who is paying, but rather the point persons) asking the guests (the only persons "honored" by the invitation) to attend the wedding of the bride and groom and the logistical information.

    "Together with their parents" is fine if all the parents, plus the bride and groom, are acting as the point persons-that is, issuing the invitations, receiving the replies, greeting the guests at the wedding, and making the arrangements that ensure that their needs are attended to.  But the proper way to "honor" family members is to ask them to be in the wedding party and, if you are having a program, to list them on there as opposed to your invitations. 
  • levioosa said:

    I would probably include them but make sure your parents names are given first! If they only gave you a nominal amount, consider getting them to help out with other things like decorating, ensuring that catering is on time, etc (maybe they don't have anymore money to give, maybe that's all they gave their other kids, or maybe they just think it's yours and your fiance's responsibility, which it is but that's another topic all together). Perhaps getting them to be hands on could be a method of feeling like things are a little more even. 


    No.  All of this is wrong.  

    No one is required to help you with the wedding.  Period.  

    Please stop giving etiquette advice.  


     If she doesn't like my advice she doesn't have to take it. Clearly she wants or needs them to help and isn't sure what to do. My suggestions are not for you to criticize.  
    This is the etiquette board, so I will criticize bad etiquette advice.  You are giving her terrible etiquette advice.  You are wrong.  Etiquette is not an opinion.  You are not special.  Your circumstance is not special.  No one is required to help with DIY or planning.  Period.  If they offer, you are welcome to take them up on it, but you NEVER should assume or ask them to do it for you.  


    image
  • edited May 2015
    Jen4948 said:

    I'm not sure of the etiquette on this one, but I will share what we did.   Both sets of parents and my Fi and I are contributing to the wedding.  I wanted to make sure that everyone felt acknowledged for their contributions and help organizing, but I didn't want a ton of wording on my actual invites.  We ended up going with "Together with their Parents"   It was simple and to the point. 

    How the invitation is worded is not supposed to "acknowledge" anyone's financial contributions.  They aren't playbills or family trees.

    It is supposed to simply be a note from the hosts (not necessarily who is paying, but rather the point persons) asking the guests (the only persons "honored" by the invitation) to attend the wedding of the bride and groom and the logistical information.

    "Together with their parents" is fine if all the parents, plus the bride and groom, are acting as the point persons-that is, issuing the invitations, receiving the replies, greeting the guests at the wedding, and making the arrangements that ensure that their needs are attended to.  But the proper way to "honor" family members is to ask them to be in the wedding party and, if you are having a program, to list them on there as opposed to your invitations. 
    I understand what you're saying about an invitation not being a recognition of a financial contribution, however, our parents requested some sort of acknowledgement on the invitation.  They are not the go-to people or the hosts; however,wiithout their generous contributions, the type of wedding we're hosting would not have been possible.   We honored their request because we were thankful of their contribution.  

    I think this is one of those questions that's better left up to the family to decide. Some parents like to be included out of respect. OP, why not ask each set of parents what they prefer?   Take the guess work out of it. 
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited May 2015
    There are rules about wedding invitations.  Hosts names appear on the invitations.  Parents names do not, unless they happen to be hosting.  You state that your parents are not hosting.
    Here is the non-traditional, but etiquette acceptable, compromise wording:

    Together with their parents
    Bride's Full Name
    and
    Groom's Full Name
    request the pleasure of your company (honour of your presence)
    as they are united in marriage
    Day, date
    time o'clock
    Venue
    Address
    City, State

    The wedding invitation is a formal note from the HOSTS to the guests, giving them the important, basic information.  IT IS NOT AN HONOR TO HAVE YOUR NAME ON THE WEDDING INVITATION!  It is very rude of your parents and FILS to ask to be on your wedding invitation.
    Here is the correct, traditional wording:

    The pleasure of your company is requested
    at the marriage of
    Bride's Full Name
    and
    Groom's Full Name
    (etc.)

    This wording does not list any host.

    What is the difference?  If you list your parents as hosts when they are not hosting, a guest might say, "Thank you so much for inviting me!"  (Huh? What?)   Using proper wording, the guest would say, "What a beautiful wedding!  You must be so happy!"

    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited May 2015

    Jen4948 said:

    I'm not sure of the etiquette on this one, but I will share what we did.   Both sets of parents and my Fi and I are contributing to the wedding.  I wanted to make sure that everyone felt acknowledged for their contributions and help organizing, but I didn't want a ton of wording on my actual invites.  We ended up going with "Together with their Parents"   It was simple and to the point. 

    How the invitation is worded is not supposed to "acknowledge" anyone's financial contributions.  They aren't playbills or family trees.

    It is supposed to simply be a note from the hosts (not necessarily who is paying, but rather the point persons) asking the guests (the only persons "honored" by the invitation) to attend the wedding of the bride and groom and the logistical information.

    "Together with their parents" is fine if all the parents, plus the bride and groom, are acting as the point persons-that is, issuing the invitations, receiving the replies, greeting the guests at the wedding, and making the arrangements that ensure that their needs are attended to.  But the proper way to "honor" family members is to ask them to be in the wedding party and, if you are having a program, to list them on there as opposed to your invitations. 
    I understand what you're saying about an invitation not being a recognition of a financial contribution, however, our parents requested some sort of acknowledgement on the invitation.  They are not the go-to people or the hosts; however,wiithout their generous contributions, the type of wedding we're hosting would not have been possible.   We honored their request because we were thankful of their contribution.  

    I think this is one of those questions that's better left up to the family to decide. Some parents like to be included out of respect. OP, why not ask each set of parents what they prefer?   Take the guess work out of it. 
    Nope.  Invitation wording is an instance where it's not about personal preferences.  Once again, invitations are not playbills.  Their purpose is not to acknowledge financial contributions.

    The persons listed should be listed because they are guest contacts, not because they are paying.  A guest would not want to call someone who is listed, only to be told that they have to call someone else because that person is not doing anything more than providing funds.


  • Jen4948 said:

    I'm not sure of the etiquette on this one, but I will share what we did.   Both sets of parents and my Fi and I are contributing to the wedding.  I wanted to make sure that everyone felt acknowledged for their contributions and help organizing, but I didn't want a ton of wording on my actual invites.  We ended up going with "Together with their Parents"   It was simple and to the point. 

    How the invitation is worded is not supposed to "acknowledge" anyone's financial contributions.  They aren't playbills or family trees.

    It is supposed to simply be a note from the hosts (not necessarily who is paying, but rather the point persons) asking the guests (the only persons "honored" by the invitation) to attend the wedding of the bride and groom and the logistical information.

    "Together with their parents" is fine if all the parents, plus the bride and groom, are acting as the point persons-that is, issuing the invitations, receiving the replies, greeting the guests at the wedding, and making the arrangements that ensure that their needs are attended to.  But the proper way to "honor" family members is to ask them to be in the wedding party and, if you are having a program, to list them on there as opposed to your invitations. 
    I understand what you're saying about an invitation not being a recognition of a financial contribution, however, our parents requested some sort of acknowledgement on the invitation.  They are not the go-to people or the hosts; however,wiithout their generous contributions, the type of wedding we're hosting would not have been possible.   We honored their request because we were thankful of their contribution.  

    I think this is one of those questions that's better left up to the family to decide. Some parents like to be included out of respect. OP, why not ask each set of parents what they prefer?   Take the guess work out of it. 
    The wedding invitation does not ackowledge anyone.  It does not honor your parents to be on it.
    Acknowledge your parents on the wedding PROGRAM, and at the reception.  How RUDE of your parents to make this demand!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • edited May 2015
    Ok, so it's rude.  I guess I have to reorder my invites.   Thanks
  • MobKazMobKaz member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    levioosa said:

    I would probably include them but make sure your parents names are given first! If they only gave you a nominal amount, consider getting them to help out with other things like decorating, ensuring that catering is on time, etc (maybe they don't have anymore money to give, maybe that's all they gave their other kids, or maybe they just think it's yours and your fiance's responsibility, which it is but that's another topic all together). Perhaps getting them to be hands on could be a method of feeling like things are a little more even. 


    No.  All of this is wrong.  

    No one is required to help you with the wedding.  Period.  

    Please stop giving etiquette advice.  


     If she doesn't like my advice she doesn't have to take it. Clearly she wants or needs them to help and isn't sure what to do. My suggestions are not for you to criticize.  


    Because this is the etiquette board, suggestions that fly in the face of etiquette will be called out. You do NOT "get" people to do anything. There is no parental requirement. The OP may WANT help but none is required nor should any be expected. To suggest that someone be required to offer manual labor because they did not make or are unable to make a financial contribution is some of the worst "advice" ever offered.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    Ok, so it's rude.  I guess I have to reorder my invites.   Thanks

    Not necessarily.  If your parents are going to be filling the roles of point persons, then yes, they should be listed.  But they should not be listed if their sole contributions are financial.
  • Ok, our parents are not dealing with anything in terms of coordinating the invitations, the RSVPs or the vendors. We've done all the planning and coordinating   But, I know my mom doesn't mind answering questions to relatives and friends.  My in-laws are the same. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    Ok, our parents are not dealing with anything in terms of coordinating the invitations, the RSVPs or the vendors. We've done all the planning and coordinating   But, I know my mom doesn't mind answering questions to relatives and friends.  My in-laws are the same. 

    It sounds to me like you're all hosting, so I'd leave your invitations alone.

    It's just that their purpose isn't to "acknowledge" or "honor" anyone's financial contributions.
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