Figuring out photos

julieanne912 · May 2015

So, this weekend I'm working on the "group" photos we want done at the wedding. Wedding isn't til September but I figure this is a task I can get done ahead of time.

Background:

My brother and his girlfriend live together. They've been together around 4ish years. He has said that they "might" get married eventually. No matter that, they're definitely in a very committed relationship. I've not met the girlfriend though and she hasn't attended any family events and we live in different states. My brother says she's really shy so that's why she doesn't come to anything. My mom has met her a couple times as they're passing through town on the way to visit her family.

So my question is, would it be awful if I requested we do some family photos without the girlfriend in them? She would be included in some, just not all of them. Is this really mean to do? Please set me straight if it is.

FI doesn't seem to think it's a big deal, but then again, his family was gifting us things with his last name on them before we were even engaged. They also included girlfriends in their last family photos and now it's awkward since his stepbrother's now-ex girlfriend is included in the pictures hung at his stepmom's house.

OliveOilsMom · May 2015

julieanne912 said:
So, this weekend I'm working on the "group" photos we want done at the wedding. Wedding isn't til September but I figure this is a task I can get done ahead of time.

Background:
My brother and his girlfriend live together. They've been together around 4ish years. He has said that they "might" get married eventually. No matter that, they're definitely in a very committed relationship. I've not met the girlfriend though and she hasn't attended any family events and we live in different states. My brother says she's really shy so that's why she doesn't come to anything. My mom has met her a couple times as they're passing through town on the way to visit her family.

So my question is, would it be awful if I requested we do some family photos without the girlfriend in them? She would be included in some, just not all of them. Is this really mean to do? Please set me straight if it is.

FI doesn't seem to think it's a big deal, but then again, his family was gifting us things with his last name on them before we were even engaged. They also included girlfriends in their last family photos and now it's awkward since his stepbrother's now-ex girlfriend is included in the pictures hung at his stepmom's house.

This is what we did with both sides of our family. My H only has one brother and he was engaged at the time of our wedding. On my side, at the time of our wedding, my 3 siblings were a mix of married and dating. For both sides, we had photos with and without SOs. It isn't a slight to the GF if you only have her in some of the pictures, as long as everything is even. For example, if you have other married siblings, I wouldn't have a picture with those siblings and their spouses, leaving GF out.

JCbride2015 · May 2015

OliveOilsMom said:

julieanne912 said:
So, this weekend I'm working on the "group" photos we want done at the wedding. Wedding isn't til September but I figure this is a task I can get done ahead of time.

Background:
My brother and his girlfriend live together. They've been together around 4ish years. He has said that they "might" get married eventually. No matter that, they're definitely in a very committed relationship. I've not met the girlfriend though and she hasn't attended any family events and we live in different states. My brother says she's really shy so that's why she doesn't come to anything. My mom has met her a couple times as they're passing through town on the way to visit her family.

So my question is, would it be awful if I requested we do some family photos without the girlfriend in them? She would be included in some, just not all of them. Is this really mean to do? Please set me straight if it is.

FI doesn't seem to think it's a big deal, but then again, his family was gifting us things with his last name on them before we were even engaged. They also included girlfriends in their last family photos and now it's awkward since his stepbrother's now-ex girlfriend is included in the pictures hung at his stepmom's house.

This is what we did with both sides of our family. My H only has one brother and he was engaged at the time of our wedding. On my side, at the time of our wedding, my 3 siblings were a mix of married and dating. For both sides, we had photos with and without SOs. It isn't a slight to the GF if you only have her in some of the pictures, as long as everything is even. For example, if you have other married siblings, I wouldn't have a picture with those siblings and their spouses, leaving GF out.

Agree.

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2015

That's how I've normally seen it done - one set with just immediate family, next adding the SOs.

julieanne912 · May 2015

Thanks Knotties... I tend to worry about NBD items.

lovegood90 · May 2015

It would be pretty awful if you excluded just her - not knowing someone well isn't an excuse to do that to someone. Plus if she's apparently shy like your brother says, that's sure to alienate her even more and not help with making her feel at ease with your family.

That being said I agree with PPs that if you exclude all SOs for some pics too it's totally fine because she's not being singled out.

julieanne912 · May 2015

lovegood90 said:
It would be pretty awful if you excluded just her - not knowing someone well isn't an excuse to do that to someone. Plus if she's apparently shy like your brother says, that's sure to alienate her even more and not help with making her feel at ease with your family.

That being said I agree with PPs that if you exclude all SOs for some pics too it's totally fine because she's not being singled out.

Yeah... there aren't really "other" SOs in my family... I just have the one brother, and I have a stepbrother that's single too. I definitely wouldn't make it just her if there were others though!

levioosa · May 2015

OliveOilsMom said:

julieanne912 said:
So, this weekend I'm working on the "group" photos we want done at the wedding. Wedding isn't til September but I figure this is a task I can get done ahead of time.

Background:
My brother and his girlfriend live together. They've been together around 4ish years. He has said that they "might" get married eventually. No matter that, they're definitely in a very committed relationship. I've not met the girlfriend though and she hasn't attended any family events and we live in different states. My brother says she's really shy so that's why she doesn't come to anything. My mom has met her a couple times as they're passing through town on the way to visit her family.

So my question is, would it be awful if I requested we do some family photos without the girlfriend in them? She would be included in some, just not all of them. Is this really mean to do? Please set me straight if it is.

FI doesn't seem to think it's a big deal, but then again, his family was gifting us things with his last name on them before we were even engaged. They also included girlfriends in their last family photos and now it's awkward since his stepbrother's now-ex girlfriend is included in the pictures hung at his stepmom's house.

This is what we did with both sides of our family. My H only has one brother and he was engaged at the time of our wedding. On my side, at the time of our wedding, my 3 siblings were a mix of married and dating. For both sides, we had photos with and without SOs. It isn't a slight to the GF if you only have her in some of the pictures, as long as everything is even. For example, if you have other married siblings, I wouldn't have a picture with those siblings and their spouses, leaving GF out.

Agree. And, as a GF, I have never felt forced out of pictures. I've even encouraged some without me in it. I was with my ex for almost six years. There were a lot of family events I attended, but I always made sure to be out of a couple of the pictures. Good thing, since now they won't have all of those awkward pictures with the ex in it.

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2015

julieanne912 said:

lovegood90 said:
It would be pretty awful if you excluded just her - not knowing someone well isn't an excuse to do that to someone. Plus if she's apparently shy like your brother says, that's sure to alienate her even more and not help with making her feel at ease with your family.

That being said I agree with PPs that if you exclude all SOs for some pics too it's totally fine because she's not being singled out.
Yeah... there aren't really "other" SOs in my family... I just have the one brother, and I have a stepbrother that's single too. I definitely wouldn't make it just her if there were others though!

Just as long as you phrase it "OK, now one just with brother!" rather than "can we get one without you?" you should be fine. Or better yet, give your photographer the list with names and they'll call for who they need in each shot. First just brother, then brother and step brother, then add girlfriend, then just you and step brother, etc. Being invited into the picture is always better than being asked to leave it.

Knottie3135957 · May 2015

All my siblings have BFs/GFs. I will be taking pictures with ONLY my siblings. I of course will have pictures with everyone, but I want some of just us--not their SOs. Quite frankly, if they get offended, I don't really care. But if they don't marry these SOs, I don't want pictures hanging up in years to come of these people they dated when they were teens!

Knottie3135957 · May 2015

lolo883 said:

julieanne912 said:

lovegood90 said:
It would be pretty awful if you excluded just her - not knowing someone well isn't an excuse to do that to someone. Plus if she's apparently shy like your brother says, that's sure to alienate her even more and not help with making her feel at ease with your family.

That being said I agree with PPs that if you exclude all SOs for some pics too it's totally fine because she's not being singled out.
Yeah... there aren't really "other" SOs in my family... I just have the one brother, and I have a stepbrother that's single too. I definitely wouldn't make it just her if there were others though!
Just as long as you phrase it "OK, now one just with brother!" rather than "can we get one without you?" you should be fine. Or better yet, give your photographer the list with names and they'll call for who they need in each shot. First just brother, then brother and step brother, then add girlfriend, then just you and step brother, etc. Being invited into the picture is always better than being asked to leave it.

I would definitely do it the order she suggested.

Wegl13 · May 2015

levioosa said:

OliveOilsMom said:

julieanne912 said:
So, this weekend I'm working on the "group" photos we want done at the wedding. Wedding isn't til September but I figure this is a task I can get done ahead of time.

Background:
My brother and his girlfriend live together. They've been together around 4ish years. He has said that they "might" get married eventually. No matter that, they're definitely in a very committed relationship. I've not met the girlfriend though and she hasn't attended any family events and we live in different states. My brother says she's really shy so that's why she doesn't come to anything. My mom has met her a couple times as they're passing through town on the way to visit her family.

So my question is, would it be awful if I requested we do some family photos without the girlfriend in them? She would be included in some, just not all of them. Is this really mean to do? Please set me straight if it is.

FI doesn't seem to think it's a big deal, but then again, his family was gifting us things with his last name on them before we were even engaged. They also included girlfriends in their last family photos and now it's awkward since his stepbrother's now-ex girlfriend is included in the pictures hung at his stepmom's house.

This is what we did with both sides of our family. My H only has one brother and he was engaged at the time of our wedding. On my side, at the time of our wedding, my 3 siblings were a mix of married and dating. For both sides, we had photos with and without SOs. It isn't a slight to the GF if you only have her in some of the pictures, as long as everything is even. For example, if you have other married siblings, I wouldn't have a picture with those siblings and their spouses, leaving GF out.
Agree. And, as a GF, I have never felt forced out of pictures. I've even encouraged some without me in it. I was with my ex for almost six years. There were a lot of family events I attended, but I always made sure to be out of a couple of the pictures. Good thing, since now they won't have all of those awkward pictures with the ex in it.

This. I purposefully didn't even sign my husband's sister's guest book (it was one of those fingerprint ones) because we'd be dating less than a year at that point, and I didn't know where things were going, and I didn't want her having my fingerprint on her pretty little tree thing if we didn't stay together. As it was, I caught the bouquet.... And now we are married. So sometimes..... But I had just gotten out of a long relationship where I'd been to ALL THE FAMILY THINGS, so I was way more guarded- this may be her thing to. I'd do the inviting her into the pic for a few, like was said before.

julieanne912 · May 2015

lolo883 said:

julieanne912 said:

lovegood90 said:
It would be pretty awful if you excluded just her - not knowing someone well isn't an excuse to do that to someone. Plus if she's apparently shy like your brother says, that's sure to alienate her even more and not help with making her feel at ease with your family.

That being said I agree with PPs that if you exclude all SOs for some pics too it's totally fine because she's not being singled out.
Yeah... there aren't really "other" SOs in my family... I just have the one brother, and I have a stepbrother that's single too. I definitely wouldn't make it just her if there were others though!
Just as long as you phrase it "OK, now one just with brother!" rather than "can we get one without you?" you should be fine. Or better yet, give your photographer the list with names and they'll call for who they need in each shot. First just brother, then brother and step brother, then add girlfriend, then just you and step brother, etc. Being invited into the picture is always better than being asked to leave it.

This is a good idea. My photographer has already given me a form to fill out with "desired photos" so I'll be sure to note the order on that.

chloe97 · May 2015

Honestly, I would follow your brother's lead on this one. My FI's sister lives with her bf and she flat out told us that she wants us to have pictures without her bf because they aren't married. But on the other hand, my brother's wife was in every family picture from the time they started dating (even when they were like 16). Being left out of pictures would cause her to be really offended. I don't have a single picture of just my siblings since they started dating 25 years ago for this reason.

I would just make him aware of your plan and get his buy-in. He may insist that she not be included in any pictures or in all pictures. More than likely, he will agree to your plan (which I also think is reasonable), but especially because you don't know her well, I would just make sure that you weren't going to hurt her feelings.

Figuring out photos

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