Wedding Etiquette Forum

UPDATED: Not Sure if Rude....(PPD lite? Tiered Hosting? WTF?)

Sioux1986Sioux1986 member
Third Anniversary 100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
edited May 2015 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi Ladies:
So....

After reading some of ya'll's responses to the "I DO BBQ" thread, it had me thinking to the....event I am attending for my little sister this weekend. I have been going over in my head and with my husband and other sister why I am so bothered by this, and I'd love to hear if you were in my spot your reaction.

This past week, my sister (who lives on the west coast) married her FI in a private (just them and an officiant) where they live. Then, this weekend, my parents and his family are throwing a reception in my hometown in Florida. 

Here are the etiquette crimes in order from mostly harmless to horrendous:

Harmless:
--She's wearing her dress to the party (stupid, but harmless)

Kinda Rude/Weird:
--They are having a ceremony recap with photos
--We have to do family pictures at the reception site before the party
--"Cocktail Attire Required"

Horrendous:
--Asked for cash on wedding website 
--Calling it the "Real Wedding" when they already got married (whole family guilty of this)

The whole reason for this set up is REASONS (they wanted to get married on the anniversary of the day they met, they wanted to get married in a state that recognized marriage equality--even though they are straight and FL just passed marriage equality, they didn't want family to have to travel). 

Part of the reason I am butthurt is my husband will be at a different wedding. Also, I just got married in February, which my H and I funded ourselves--which we are proud of and happy to have done b/c we made all of the decisions--but my parents are paying for my sister's event. 

So---is this stuff actually rude or am I just hung up b/c of my own reasons and this is etiquette approved????

----
Update: 

So to report back. The good, the bad and the ugly--

The good:
  • Open (limited) bar with a a very heavy handed bar tender. That was nice! NEEDED.
  • Food was decent
  • DJ was ok
The bad:
  • We were held captive for the ceremony pictures. They were stunning so it was kind of fun, but I can see how others were bored.
  • It wasn't as private as we thought....they had several friends and the groom's brother in attendance. That personally hurt my feelings.
  • They did all of that weddingy stuff: spot light dances, cake cutting, grand entrance, ect. Felt fake to me. 
The ugly:
  • After 90 minutes of family pictures along a pond in Florida weather, the bride and the groom were then another hour late for their "grand entrance" No food out, just open bar. Guests had been there for anywhere to an hour to two waiting. People were drunk and hungry.
  • AC was on but the bar was out on a deck, so the doors were propped open. It was freaking hot!
  • NO TABLES. Just scattered couches. We had to balance our plates on our knees.
  • They had NINE speeches toasts. NINE. Keep in mind only about 40 guests. That's almost a QUARTER of the guests giving speeches! NINE! 
  • NOT ENOUGH CAAAAAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All in all, super rude. Well hosted in the sense that we were eventually fed and there was booze. But other than that, an absolute cluster.

My poor husband at the wedding he was at this weekend as well had some issues. Namely taking photos from 1:30 - 6 in the hot May sun and the country club venue they were at refused to provide water for them?????? 

I hope no one I know gets married any time soon. That was enough nonsense for me for a while.

Re: UPDATED: Not Sure if Rude....(PPD lite? Tiered Hosting? WTF?)

  • esstee33esstee33 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 2015
    Sioux1986 said:

    Hi Ladies:

    So....

    After reading some of ya'll's responses to the "I DO BBQ" thread, it had me thinking to the....event I am attending for my little sister this weekend. I have been going over in my head and with my husband and other sister why I am so bothered by this, and I'd love to hear if you were in my spot your reaction.

    This past week, my sister (who lives on the west coast) married her FI in a private (just them and an officiant) where they live. Then, this weekend, my parents and his family are throwing a reception in my hometown in Florida. 

    Here are the etiquette crimes in order from mostly harmless to horrendous:

    Harmless:
    --She's wearing her dress to the party (stupid, but harmless) Definitely stupid, but not really rude. 

    Kinda Rude/Weird:
    --They are having a ceremony recap with photos Ehhhhh. Are they playing it in the background, or for a captive audience? 
    --We have to do family pictures at the reception site before the party Ehhhhhh. This is unnecessary, bordering on rude. It's not a wedding. Do they typically do family photos at any other family gathering? 
    --"Cocktail Attire Required" Definitely rude. 

    Horrendous:
    --Asked for cash on wedding website  Definitely rude. 
    --Calling it the "Real Wedding" when they already got married (whole family guilty of this) Definitely rude. 

    The whole reason for this set up is REASONS (they wanted to get married on the anniversary of the day they met, they wanted to get married in a state that recognized marriage equality--even though they are straight and FL just passed marriage equality, they didn't want family to have to travel). 

    Part of the reason I am butthurt is my husband will be at a different wedding. Also, I just got married in February, which my H and I funded ourselves--which we are proud of and happy to have done b/c we made all of the decisions--but they are paying for my sister's event. 

    So---is this stuff actually rude or am I just hung up b/c of my own reasons and this is etiquette approved????


  • esstee33 said:

    Sioux1986 said:

    Hi Ladies:

    So....

    After reading some of ya'll's responses to the "I DO BBQ" thread, it had me thinking to the....event I am attending for my little sister this weekend. I have been going over in my head and with my husband and other sister why I am so bothered by this, and I'd love to hear if you were in my spot your reaction.

    This past week, my sister (who lives on the west coast) married her FI in a private (just them and an officiant) where they live. Then, this weekend, my parents and his family are throwing a reception in my hometown in Florida. 

    Here are the etiquette crimes in order from mostly harmless to horrendous:

    Harmless:
    --She's wearing her dress to the party (stupid, but harmless) Definitely stupid, but not really rude. 

    Kinda Rude/Weird:
    --They are having a ceremony recap with photos Ehhhhh. Are they playing it in the background, or for a captive audience? 
    --We have to do family pictures at the reception site before the party Ehhhhhh. This is unnecessary, bordering on rude. It's not a wedding. Do they typically do family photos at any other family gathering? 
    --"Cocktail Attire Required" Definitely rude. 

    Horrendous:
    --Asked for cash on wedding website  Definitely rude. 
    --Calling it the "Real Wedding" when they already got married (whole family guilty of this) Definitely rude. 

    The whole reason for this set up is REASONS (they wanted to get married on the anniversary of the day they met, they wanted to get married in a state that recognized marriage equality--even though they are straight and FL just passed marriage equality, they didn't want family to have to travel). 

    Part of the reason I am butthurt is my husband will be at a different wedding. Also, I just got married in February, which my H and I funded ourselves--which we are proud of and happy to have done b/c we made all of the decisions--but they are paying for my sister's event. 

    So---is this stuff actually rude or am I just hung up b/c of my own reasons and this is etiquette approved????


    The photo presentation is an actual presentation. Like a screen with us sitting and watching. Oh there will be MOH/BM (?????) speeches as well
  • Sioux1986 said:

    esstee33 said:

    Sioux1986 said:

    Hi Ladies:

    So....

    After reading some of ya'll's responses to the "I DO BBQ" thread, it had me thinking to the....event I am attending for my little sister this weekend. I have been going over in my head and with my husband and other sister why I am so bothered by this, and I'd love to hear if you were in my spot your reaction.

    This past week, my sister (who lives on the west coast) married her FI in a private (just them and an officiant) where they live. Then, this weekend, my parents and his family are throwing a reception in my hometown in Florida. 

    Here are the etiquette crimes in order from mostly harmless to horrendous:

    Harmless:
    --She's wearing her dress to the party (stupid, but harmless) Definitely stupid, but not really rude. 

    Kinda Rude/Weird:
    --They are having a ceremony recap with photos Ehhhhh. Are they playing it in the background, or for a captive audience? 
    --We have to do family pictures at the reception site before the party Ehhhhhh. This is unnecessary, bordering on rude. It's not a wedding. Do they typically do family photos at any other family gathering? 
    --"Cocktail Attire Required" Definitely rude. 

    Horrendous:
    --Asked for cash on wedding website  Definitely rude. 
    --Calling it the "Real Wedding" when they already got married (whole family guilty of this) Definitely rude. 

    The whole reason for this set up is REASONS (they wanted to get married on the anniversary of the day they met, they wanted to get married in a state that recognized marriage equality--even though they are straight and FL just passed marriage equality, they didn't want family to have to travel). 

    Part of the reason I am butthurt is my husband will be at a different wedding. Also, I just got married in February, which my H and I funded ourselves--which we are proud of and happy to have done b/c we made all of the decisions--but they are paying for my sister's event. 

    So---is this stuff actually rude or am I just hung up b/c of my own reasons and this is etiquette approved????


    The photo presentation is an actual presentation. Like a screen with us sitting and watching. Oh there will be MOH/BM (?????) speeches as well
    Ugh.  Are your parents hosting booze?  Because I'd definitely get a drink early.  In fact, I might pre-game for this shitstorm.
  • afox007afox007 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    Your sister get a little side eye for the dress and photos, but not the worst thing ever. The fact that this will have a total AW presentation to a captive audience and is "the real wedding" is where this gets gross.

    The dress code and asking for cash is definitely icing on an already tacky cake.
    image
  • All of this is super, super rude. If I were you I'd just send a card congratulating them (with no money in it) and attend the other wedding my H is attending instead.

    Formerly martha1818

    image


  • I'm confused by the "real wedding" statement. I didn't read anything about a fake ceremony. Does your family consider the reception to be the wedding portion and not the ceremony?

    I think the dress and family photos are fine. I'd consider the family photos more of a family portrait and never bad idea to take a family portrait whenever everyone is present and presentable. 

    I would not be thrilled about the slideshow.

    Dress code and asking for cash are definitely rude!
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Tacky and rude.

    Just out of curiosity, why don't you attend the other wedding with your husband? Were you not invited together?
  • Pretty much every family wedding I've been to, we do family photos because that's pretty much the only time my ginormous family is mostly in one place.  I'm planning on it at my wedding too, because FI's family hasn't done nice photos in about 10 years or so... I figure we're paying a photographer and can get it done during the cocktail hour, so why not?  I also don't see the issue with her wearing her dress either... it's just a dress. 

    But yeah, the rest, ick.

    Married 9.12.15
    image
  • adk19 said:

    Sioux1986 said:

    esstee33 said:

    Sioux1986 said:

    Hi Ladies:

    So....

    After reading some of ya'll's responses to the "I DO BBQ" thread, it had me thinking to the....event I am attending for my little sister this weekend. I have been going over in my head and with my husband and other sister why I am so bothered by this, and I'd love to hear if you were in my spot your reaction.

    This past week, my sister (who lives on the west coast) married her FI in a private (just them and an officiant) where they live. Then, this weekend, my parents and his family are throwing a reception in my hometown in Florida. 

    Here are the etiquette crimes in order from mostly harmless to horrendous:

    Harmless:
    --She's wearing her dress to the party (stupid, but harmless) Definitely stupid, but not really rude. 

    Kinda Rude/Weird:
    --They are having a ceremony recap with photos Ehhhhh. Are they playing it in the background, or for a captive audience? 
    --We have to do family pictures at the reception site before the party Ehhhhhh. This is unnecessary, bordering on rude. It's not a wedding. Do they typically do family photos at any other family gathering? 
    --"Cocktail Attire Required" Definitely rude. 

    Horrendous:
    --Asked for cash on wedding website  Definitely rude. 
    --Calling it the "Real Wedding" when they already got married (whole family guilty of this) Definitely rude. 

    The whole reason for this set up is REASONS (they wanted to get married on the anniversary of the day they met, they wanted to get married in a state that recognized marriage equality--even though they are straight and FL just passed marriage equality, they didn't want family to have to travel). 

    Part of the reason I am butthurt is my husband will be at a different wedding. Also, I just got married in February, which my H and I funded ourselves--which we are proud of and happy to have done b/c we made all of the decisions--but they are paying for my sister's event. 

    So---is this stuff actually rude or am I just hung up b/c of my own reasons and this is etiquette approved????


    The photo presentation is an actual presentation. Like a screen with us sitting and watching. Oh there will be MOH/BM (?????) speeches as well
    Ugh.  Are your parents hosting booze?  Because I'd definitely get a drink early.  In fact, I might pre-game for this shitstorm.

    adk19 said:

    ___BOXES___

    adk19 said:

    Hosted booze has been confirmed. I plan on laying poolside for the hours leading up to the party with a beer. 

  • I'm confused by the "real wedding" statement. I didn't read anything about a fake ceremony. Does your family consider the reception to be the wedding portion and not the ceremony?


    I think the dress and family photos are fine. I'd consider the family photos more of a family portrait and never bad idea to take a family portrait whenever everyone is present and presentable. 

    I would not be thrilled about the slideshow.

    Dress code and asking for cash are definitely rude!
    See, as I far as I *know* there is no ceremony....but I've been kind of left in the dark. Her wedding on west coast has been referred to as the "ceremony" and the party as the "wedding"

    She keeps teasing on social media about "surprises" for her "wedding" so it makes me think there may be a re-enactment....but not confirmed. 
  • Jen4948 said:

    Tacky and rude.

    Just out of curiosity, why don't you attend the other wedding with your husband? Were you not invited together?

    No we were invited together to both. He is the best man in this wedding happening in NYC this weekend. 

    I weighed my options and I am going to keep the peace in my family. When I floated the idea that I would be at my friends' wedding instead, I got a lot of push back and that "her feelings will be very hurt" if I skipped it. 

    Plus, I love seeing my family so there's that. 
  • larrygaga said:

    I just want to say judging someone for wearing a white dress to a wedding celebration is stupid. It's just a fucking outfit, who cares that much???


    She's rude in other ways!
    Hahahahah! 
    You always make me laugh!

    The dress gets a side eye from me but it's not that big of a deal I guess. 
  • You can wear a white dress to any party, you can ask your family to take family pics at any party, and you can have people toast the guests of honor at any party. These are fine things to happen, don't worry about them. However, it's rude to tell people what to wear (ever), and it's rude to invite people to a social gathering and hold them a captive audience to something (regardless of whether they're of a wedding ceremony, vacation snapshots, or a charity presentation. 
  • This is just weird to me. It isn't a wedding if there isn't a ceremony and they can't have a real ceremony as they are already married.

  • Sioux1986 said:

    Jen4948 said:

    Tacky and rude.

    Just out of curiosity, why don't you attend the other wedding with your husband? Were you not invited together?

    No we were invited together to both. He is the best man in this wedding happening in NYC this weekend. 

    I weighed my options and I am going to keep the peace in my family. When I floated the idea that I would be at my friends' wedding instead, I got a lot of push back and that "her feelings will be very hurt" if I skipped it. 

    Plus, I love seeing my family so there's that. 
    Everything your sister is doing is rude.

    But if she only got married this past week... haven't you already RSVP'd to your friend's wedding this weekend?  1) sounds like a great reason not to go to this shit show and 2) it would be pretty rude to back out of your friend's real wedding you already RSVP'd to in order to attend a last minute fake wedding.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image

    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • Jen4948 said:

    Tacky and rude.

    Just out of curiosity, why don't you attend the other wedding with your husband? Were you not invited together?

    No we were invited together to both. He is the best man in this wedding happening in NYC this weekend. 

    I weighed my options and I am going to keep the peace in my family. When I floated the idea that I would be at my friends' wedding instead, I got a lot of push back and that "her feelings will be very hurt" if I skipped it. 

    Plus, I love seeing my family so there's that. 
    Everything your sister is doing is rude.

    But if she only got married this past week... haven't you already RSVP'd to your friend's wedding this weekend?  1) sounds like a great reason not to go to this shit show and 2) it would be pretty rude to back out of your friend's real wedding you already RSVP'd to in order to attend a last minute fake wedding.


    This was my thought as well.
    image
  • My sisters event has been in the works for a few months....we were kind of kept in the dark about the ppd stuff until recently

    My husband rsvped for just himself
  • Yall I've been fighting the good fight over at dear Wendy for a few comments now, all about inviting spouses and significant others. I have been called weak and classless because I said I would be offended if my husband was not invited to a wedding with me. Thank you for being the voice of reason on the Internet
  • I have to say it's pretty fucking ironic that she specifically got married in the state that had "marriage equality," but then she's calling this "The Real Wedding."  SS fail.  


    image
  • levioosa said:

    I have to say it's pretty fucking ironic that she specifically got married in the state that had "marriage equality," but then she's calling this "The Real Wedding."  SS fail.  

    Ironic or moronic? Not sure.
    TBH I think hipsters will do just about anything to stand out these days. 
  • Sioux1986 said:

    I'm confused by the "real wedding" statement. I didn't read anything about a fake ceremony. Does your family consider the reception to be the wedding portion and not the ceremony?

    I think the dress and family photos are fine. I'd consider the family photos more of a family portrait and never bad idea to take a family portrait whenever everyone is present and presentable. 

    I would not be thrilled about the slideshow.

    Dress code and asking for cash are definitely rude!
    See, as I far as I *know* there is no ceremony....but I've been kind of left in the dark. Her wedding on west coast has been referred to as the "ceremony" and the party as the "wedding"

    She keeps teasing on social media about "surprises" for her "wedding" so it makes me think there may be a re-enactment....but not confirmed. 



    Weirdly this is how people I know refer to the two. Like when I say "Our wedding is/We're getting married at the Alumni Center" or someone asks where the "wedding" is and I say "The Alumni Center" the immediate question that follows from almost every single person is "Will the ceremony be there as well?" It's sad because it really shows where the PPD attitude comes from. The party is the "real" wedding and the ceremony is just an afterthought/minor detail.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    image
  • Sioux1986 said:

    Hi Ladies:

    So....

    After reading some of ya'll's responses to the "I DO BBQ" thread, it had me thinking to the....event I am attending for my little sister this weekend. I have been going over in my head and with my husband and other sister why I am so bothered by this, and I'd love to hear if you were in my spot your reaction.

    This past week, my sister (who lives on the west coast) married her FI in a private (just them and an officiant) where they live. Then, this weekend, my parents and his family are throwing a reception in my hometown in Florida. 

    Here are the etiquette crimes in order from mostly harmless to horrendous:

    Harmless:
    --She's wearing her dress to the party (stupid, but harmless)

    Kinda Rude/Weird:
    --They are having a ceremony recap with photos
    --We have to do family pictures at the reception site before the party
    --"Cocktail Attire Required"

    Horrendous:
    --Asked for cash on wedding website 
    --Calling it the "Real Wedding" when they already got married (whole family guilty of this)

    The whole reason for this set up is REASONS (they wanted to get married on the anniversary of the day they met, they wanted to get married in a state that recognized marriage equality--even though they are straight and FL just passed marriage equality, they didn't want family to have to travel). 

    Part of the reason I am butthurt is my husband will be at a different wedding. Also, I just got married in February, which my H and I funded ourselves--which we are proud of and happy to have done b/c we made all of the decisions--but my parents are paying for my sister's event. 

    So---is this stuff actually rude or am I just hung up b/c of my own reasons and this is etiquette approved????

    ----
    Update: 

    So to report back. The good, the bad and the ugly--

    The good:
    • Open (limited) bar with a a very heavy handed bar tender. That was nice! NEEDED.
    • Food was decent
    • DJ was ok
    The bad:
    • We were held captive for the ceremony pictures. They were stunning so it was kind of fun, but I can see how others were bored.  Ugh.
    • It wasn't as private as we thought....they had several friends and the groom's brother in attendance. That personally hurt my feelings. That's bullshit!  I would personally mention that to my sister and her husband the next time they bring up their wedding.
    • They did all of that weddingy stuff: spot light dances, cake cutting, grand entrance, ect. Felt fake to me. Ew.
    The ugly:
    • After 90 minutes of family pictures along a pond in Florida weather, the bride and the groom were then another hour late for their "grand entrance" No food out, just open bar. Guests had been there for anywhere to an hour to two waiting. People were drunk and hungry.  WTF?  What were they doing?
    • AC was on but the bar was out on a deck, so the doors were propped open. It was freaking hot!  I HATE this!  Not only doe sit waste energy, but it's just plain fucking stupid.
    • NO TABLES. Just scattered couches. We had to balance our plates on our knees.
    • They had NINE speeches toasts. NINE. Keep in mind only about 40 guests. That's almost a QUARTER of the guests giving speeches! NINE! Gagging from everything.
    • NOT ENOUGH CAAAAAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    All in all, super rude. Well hosted in the sense that we were eventually fed and there was booze. But other than that, an absolute cluster.

    My poor husband at the wedding he was at this weekend as well had some issues. Namely taking photos from 1:30 - 6 in the hot May sun and the country club venue they were at refused to provide water for them?????? DAFUQ?!  They took pictures for 4.5hours?!  Huh?!!!!

    I hope no one I know gets married any time soon. That was enough nonsense for me for a while.


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Ugh, OP, that update sounds awful!!
    image
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