Close friends not being BMs

Re: Close friends not being BMs

• LondonLisa member

  

  May 2015

  Knottie1428852927 said:

  Basically for a little bit of background I am having a very small destination wedding. We are only have 50 people total, which after inviting both mine and my FI's family leaves room for about 5 of my good friends and their +1s. That being said, we are also having a very small bridal party (1 MOH and 1 Best Man). Since I am only inviting a few close friends, I do not know if they are expecting to be BMs or not (still in the early planning stages and really haven't talked much about details with many of my friends). Etiquette wise- Should I sit down and have a conversation with my closer friends who may or may not be possibly expecting to be BMs to tell them or should I just leave it alone? If I flipped the situation I would understand that you can't pick everyone, but I definitely do not want them to feel hurt and I don't want to be rude! I am also the first of my friends to be getting married, so I do not have any past experiences to go off of. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

  You should never, ever have a conversation with anyone about "why they aren't invited" or "why they aren't a BM". It will end badly. What will you say: "I ranked my friends in order of closeness, and although you were top 3, you were not the candidate selected". 

  
  

  Your friends are adults-they will be OK. 1 BM and 1 GM seems perfect for a small destination wedding. I would just leave well enough alone. 

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• Sioux1986 member

  

  May 2015

  I would skip any conversation like this. 

  
  

  If it comes up, bean dip, then finish with "we can't for you to attend as our guest with so-and-so." No need to preemptively draw attention to the fact that they DIDN'T make the cut as that could hurt feelings.

  
  

  Most people are grown ups and get the hint when you don't ask them.  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  May 2015

  This wouldn't be a good conversation to have.  Telling someone why they're not chosen/invited can be very hurtful to them, no matter how benign your reasons or motives are.

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• kittykyat member

  

  May 2015

  I was definitely thinking how that would be a terribly awkward conversation, especially since they are such good friends! Thank you both!!

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• onefootinthebayou member

  

  May 2015

  Your instinct is correct, leave it alone.  I would not bring it up proactively.  

  
  

  I did have 2 friends expecting to be BMs early on when I was trying to limit my BP to family only.  One actually told another of our friends that she was a BM.  I did have to speak with her and let her know that I had not chosen my BP and that we were considering family only but that was only b/c she was telling people she was a BM.  I found it to be very presumptuous and frankly, rude of her but once I corrected her she understood.  She was the same person who tweeted about my engagement the moment I told her about it, which I was furious about.  

  
  

  Since you're fairly new to the process, I would give this advice - you can only control your own behavior, not that of others.  I definitely advise reading the etiquette boards here, there is some really good advice available.  

  
  

  Congratulations on your engagement and good luck with the planning!  I think you will find these boards to be a very good resource!

  
  

  
  

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• charcoalandblush member

  

  May 2015

  Don't bring it up. Your friends will get the picture when you don't ask them/take them bridesmaids dress shopping/whatever. No one is entitled to be in your wedding party, and hopefully they are mature adults who won't be upset by your decision.

  
  

  If someone directly asks you "Am I a bridesmaid?" or "Why am I not a bridesmaid?" I'd just tell them "We decided against the usual big bridal party and just went with a MOH and BM." and then change the subject.

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  May 2015

  Skip the conversation. My H and I also opted to have only a MOH and BM. We didn't discuss that decision with our friends. 

  
  

  However, one of my friends did confront me about it. She asked why I wasn't having a wedding party, as she had expected to be a bridesmaid. And she would have been, if we decided to have a larger bridal party. But it was so awkward to have that conversation with her. So yeah, avoid it. 

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  May 2015

  My sister had a destination wedding and decided to go without any bridal party at all.  She still had about 8 girls getting ready with her, talking and drinking mimosas as she was getting her hair done.  It was basically her bridesmaids, only they got to sit during the ceremony and all wear whatever they wanted.  Oh, and no formal pictures, but lots of casual pictures during the reception.

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• SP29 member

  

  May 2015

  No conversation.

  
  

  No one should expect to be in the wedding party. 

  
  

  It is also inconsiderate to tell someone why they aren't part of the WP.

  
  

  If they bring it up to you, you can address it, as a previous poster said, "We have decided to have one MOH and one BestMan" and then change the subject. 

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• downtondiva member

  

  May 2015

  You're overthinking this. Leave it alone. Sitting your friends down for a conversation about their not being in the wedding party and why will only make them feel bad. You are having the kind of wedding party that makes sense for you, and there's no need to explain it to anyone. Your friends might be disappointed when they figure out you aren't asking them, but I'm sure ultimately they'll understand and will be happy to celebrate with you as guests.
  

  
  

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• kittykyat member

  

  May 2015

  Thanks, guys! 

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