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"It just feels so odd to me that my big wedding won't be my legal wedding"

japlanetjaplanet member
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in Snarky Brides
Browsing /r/weddingplanning and came across this gem. Thought of you guys.

So my fiancé just got into medical school across the country, so for practical reasons we need to get married before we go. We were originally planning on having a HUGE wedding in September of 2016, and we still will have this wedding, but now I need help planning a very small ceremony with only close family and some close friends. We don't want most people to know about this small wedding, because we don't want people to think our big wedding is less special. Which brings me to this post what are the essentials I need? I still want this to feel really special, I mean we are getting married it should still be special, but I've had my heart set on a big wedding being the only wedding so yeah... Any advice, tiles, reminders on what I should not forget would be sooo appreciated! We're planning on having the ceremony at the Canyon and doing an intimate dinner after. I'm trying not to be bummed, I mean this isn't what I wanted, but it's not like I'm not getting my big wedding later. It just feels so odd to me that my big wedding won't be my legal wedding. I'm hoping with your ladies wonderful advice I'll love my small rushed one and feel great about it.
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Re: "It just feels so odd to me that my big wedding won't be my legal wedding"

  • Wegl13Wegl13 member
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    It drives me nuts that people are like "well obviously we can't plan a giant blow out bash in 2 months."


    Dude my best friend and her husband planned a wonderful wedding in 3 weeks that was taking place in another state. We have the internet. You are not going to get first pick of everything in two months, but you can still have *big wedding* and it can be beautiful and wonderful and special.
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  • allispainallispain member
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    I'm wondering why it is they need to get married before they move. I mean, what are these "practical reasons" of which she speaks?

    Also: "We don't want most people to know about this small wedding, because we don't want people to think our big wedding is less special" = barf.
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  • japlanetjaplanet member
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    allispain said:

    I'm wondering why it is they need to get married before they move. I mean, what are these "practical reasons" of which she speaks?




    I asked that, and her answer:

    Insurance, marital housing and financial aid. To name three.

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  • chibiyuichibiyui member
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    Having read that thread, that girl is dumb as a stack of bricks. 
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
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    If I were her parents, I would take away the 13K. I'm not paying for a fake wedding. She doesn't want people to think her big grand wedding is make believe, when that is exactly what it is.

    Why do people say, 'it's not our real wedding, it's only a legal formality'.  Ugh, it's ridiculous.If it weren't real, you wouldn't be doing it. It makes no sense. Oh that's right, the party and the big fancy dress is the important part.
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  • allispainallispain member
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    japlanet said:

    allispain said:

    I'm wondering why it is they need to get married before they move. I mean, what are these "practical reasons" of which she speaks?




    I asked that, and her answer:

    Insurance, marital housing and financial aid. To name three.

    Right. Because no other engaged couple has ever had to worry about those things. Le sigh.
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  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
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    edited May 2015
    The full thread was even worse than I was expecting.  "I've plan been planning my wedding since I was a little girl. This is the big day I've been waiting for."  "...we agreed it was the last time and I get my wedding..."  [emphasis added]

    I was already thinking this poor guy just sounds like a prop for her dress-up game, and then I got to "I even tossed out the idea of me staying here while he moves so we wouldn't have to get married and he got this horrible hurt expression
    and asked if I really wanted to be living so far awAy after five years
    of being together. Then he goes and tells me he needs me and is scared
    so yeah. I don't want to get married like this. But I don't feel like I
    have a choice     I'm giving up being near all my friends and family the
    stability of my good job and I want to keep something. I want to keep my
    wedding."

    Nothing about this sounds promising.  Nothing.  She wants "her" wedding.  Doesn't want to marry this dude, he can't live without her or whatever, she doesn't want to give up "her" wedding.  Somehow she solved for X and got courthouse wedding + PPD.  No.  I honestly give them a year, maybe 18 mo., tops.  I've seen this IRL and have yet to see it end well.
    �
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    This is the type of entitled attitude that needs to be eliminated from society. Why is our generation such a damn problem in this area? 
    *********************************************************************************

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  • charcoalandblushcharcoalandblush member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    She claims that she has now changed her mind about lying to everyone and is going to tell them the deal about the courthouse wedding/PPD. Somehow, I don't believe her...

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  • RezIpsaRezIpsa member
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    southernbelle0915 said:

    This is the type of entitled attitude that needs to be eliminated from society. Why is our generation such a damn problem in this area? 

    I honestly think much of this stems from the experience of growing up with, and valuing, social media. The thinking seems to go: If you don't see it on social media, it doesn't exist, your social media presence is actually important and valuable, and the most important thing in life is not experiences and relationships, but pictures of experiences and relationships that you can post to social media so everyone knows how cool and amazing you are. A wedding without pictures? Inconceivable. Why would you bother if no one can be envious on Facebook?

    This attitude (and the movement away from religion) fuels all the drive to Pinterest the crap out of weddings and DIY to death. It's more important that your wedding and proposal be unique (but not weird) so they don't disappear in the sea of wedding and proposal pictures/ videos/tweets/etc. It's a search for meaning and notoriety at the same time.

    But she is also a jerk, and those have been around forever.
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  • sophhabobophasophhabobopha member
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    Heffalump said:

    The full thread was even worse than I was expecting.  "I've plan been planning my wedding since I was a little girl. This is the big day I've been waiting for."  "...we agreed it was the last time and I get my wedding..."  [emphasis added]

    I was already thinking this poor guy just sounds like a prop for her dress-up game, and then I got to "I even tossed out the idea of me staying here while he moves so we wouldn't have to get married and he got this horrible hurt expression
    and asked if I really wanted to be living so far awAy after five years
    of being together. Then he goes and tells me he needs me and is scared
    so yeah. I don't want to get married like this. But I don't feel like I
    have a choice     I'm giving up being near all my friends and family the
    stability of my good job and I want to keep something. I want to keep my
    wedding."

    Nothing about this sounds promising.  Nothing.  She wants "her" wedding.  Doesn't want to marry this dude, he can't live without her or whatever, she doesn't want to give up "her" wedding.  Somehow she solved for X and got courthouse wedding + PPD.  No.  I honestly give them a year, maybe 18 mo., tops.  I've seen this IRL and have yet to see it end well.

    That's promising..
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  • APDSS22APDSS22 member
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    If he "needed" her to be with him, why the heck did he apply for med school across the country from her and why exactly did they not discuss this earlier if they were serious about staying together?
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  • lovegood90lovegood90 member
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    APDSS22 said:

    If he "needed" her to be with him, why the heck did he apply for med school across the country from her and why exactly did they not discuss this earlier if they were serious about staying together?

    YES this. I'm not even married, but it's a pretty common understanding with my SO and I that any big decisions like applying to school/work across the friggin country would be discussed together...

    Formerly martha1818

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  • anjemonanjemon member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    I think this all the time, but I hate how those are the "practical reasons". I would have had much better insurance if I had married my H right away instead of waiting. I had really expensive insurance for 6 months while we were planning because that's what my company offered. And housing would have been cheaper because I wouldn't need a separate place to keep my family from freaking. Those are "practical reasons" for everyone, we all just deal with it differently.

    Also what @apdss22 said. Why wasn't his discussed ahead of time if he applied to those places. My cousin applied to medical schools and he and his wife had a plan for each of their options. 
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
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    lovegood90 said:

    APDSS22 said:

    If he "needed" her to be with him, why the heck did he apply for med school across the country from her and why exactly did they not discuss this earlier if they were serious about staying together?

    YES this. I'm not even married, but it's a pretty common understanding with my SO and I that any big decisions like applying to school/work across the friggin country would be discussed together...



    It sounds like they did discuss it...she just didn't think he would get in.

    If I were him, I'd run fast.



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  • TNDancerTNDancer member
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    @bethsmiles  loving the HP gif.  I have ever seen this one.
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
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    @TNDancer - I came upon it randomly the other day and had to have it as my siggy! It cracks me up :)


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  • lovemesomemonsterlovemesomemonster member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Wow, this is just really fantastic.. I feel bad for the guy! She keeps talking about how much she has "sacrificed" to get him through his masters and into med school.. You are marrying him sweetie, it affects both of your futures. So, they have been together for 5 years.. here's the adult conversation about med school across the country:

    "I got in!"
    "That is great! I am so happy for you"
    "Will you go with me? We would have to get married first."
    "I would like to keep the big wedding date so why don't you move ahead of me, I will keep my insurance by staying here and I can apply for jobs close to you. Once I get a job I will move. It will be hard but after 5 years we can do this."



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  • cupcait927cupcait927 member
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    This makes me want to bang my head against wall, especially the bolded:

    "Also, that's my whole point I don't want people to think of my big grand wedding as make believe. To me that's the real one not this messy thrown together legal formality. A wedding is supposed to show everyone our love and commitment and this is far from that. We're not doing this wedding because we want to we're doing this one because we have to. It's about legality. And you may see this just about money but if it was I would take the 13 k my parents gave me for my wedding and use that for only us and not a wedding. We want the other wedding because to us that should be our wedding not this. I think if people found out they would understand how sad this is for us who've wanted a big wedding for so long and had to put it off. I don't think they would make this about them and what they wanted."

    Nothing is sad for this girl! Her FI got into medical school (awesome!), she gets to move to a new part of the country and experience new things and she gets to marry the person she loves. If this was *really* about religion and saying their vows to each other before God, then she still has plenty of time to find a religious officiant and throw together a small ceremony. But wait, it's really about the expensive dress, the party and the pictures.

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    Agh this is so frustrating. People like that need to pull their heads out of their asses and put on some big girl panties and make the tough decisions. A HS friend of mine is doing the whole military PPD deal and all of this "housing" stuff is so freaking annoying to me. And FI thinks PPDs are totally fine, too. His reasoning is that the big white wedding is the romantic part that you share with everyone, the rest is "just legal."

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    All of this. All of this stuff is just UGH. 
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    abcdevonn said:

    Agh this is so frustrating. People like that need to pull their heads out of their asses and put on some big girl panties and make the tough decisions. A HS friend of mine is doing the whole military PPD deal and all of this "housing" stuff is so freaking annoying to me. And FI thinks PPDs are totally fine, too. His reasoning is that the big white wedding is the romantic part that you share with everyone, the rest is "just legal."


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    All of this. All of this stuff is just UGH. 
    In an attempt to explain it to him then, I might suggest that we DON'T do the "just legal" part when we do the "white wedding romantic part".  

    "Hey buddy, if the "just legal" part doesn't matter, let's not do it.  Let's just be fluffy speshul snowflakes playacting for our friends and family.  We're so romantic and in love that they'll love to come to our non-legal wedding, right?  We'll wait and do the "just legal" part later if at all.  Maybe when we're considering having kids or if one of us loses our jobs and needs insurance.  But since it's "just legal", fuck it."
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  • randomsloverandomslove member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Why do you NEED to be married now? For his bennies? You're marrying him for his bennies instead of waiting and marrying him and having the wedding you want? No. No no no. You don't need his bennies. If you did, you'd forgo the huge wedding. Will you die without the bennies? Will he no? Most likely not. If you will, then get it out of your head that you need two weddings, so you can have the big, pretty white dress, etc.

    I see couples marry ALL  the time because they "need the bennies NOW" and plan to do a "real" wedding later. Military, you know? Guess how many of them last? Few. Very few. I think I've seen one make it past four years. People like you are the reason why I got so frustrated the past few years. Ever since my FI and I got serious, people asked us why we didn't just get married. The benefits would make our relationship "so much easier."

    We decided to wait. We don't believe in getting married before you're ready just for benefits. It's ridiculous.

    And yes, I feel free to be snarky because, well, snarky.





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