Are we the only people like this? [nwr]

JennyColada · May 2015

We went over to my in-law's for Mother's Day yesterday. My SiL was there with her daughter (my niece), who is 18 months. After dinner, when we were all hanging out, my niece (Amy, so I don't have to keep saying "my niece") went to go sit next to DH and SiL was encouraging Amy to "give uncle A a kiss! Give him a kiss!" When we got home, I mentioned to DH that I thought that was a little strange (and I could see on DH's face at the time that he was smiling, but wasn't really excited about getting touchy-feeling with this kid). I mean, Amy is still a stranger to us. We've only seen her three times and we barely have a relationship with SiL, let alone her child.

Are we the odd ones out to feel a bit strange about giving/getting a kiss from, basically, a strange child?

julieanne912 · May 2015

I would feel weird too.

lyndausvi · May 2015

My family and DH's family are huggers and kissers. So when we see the nieces and nephews hugs and kisses are given. Actually when we see any family young or old hugs and kisses are exchanged.

We do not live near any of them, so it would be sometimes a year between visits. When the kids were super young like 18 months, there was an attempt, but it was NEVER forced. Never, never. We just followed their lead. A few attached to us right away. Others were a little more shy.

One would not go near for me for an entire week (she was 18 mons). She wanted NOTHING to do with me. Then she noticed I was eating a chocolate, chocolate chip muffin. I've been her favorite aunt since that day (she is 13 now).

I think as time went on it was just something we all did, so they did too. Seriously, it takes a good 10-15 minutes to get all the hugs and kisses in.

Even though I didn't see them often, I was always on the phone with them (skype and facetime were not around). My siblings always referred to us. So they "knew" us without physically seeing us.

lovemesomemonster · May 2015

I am this way about any kids. I'm awkward around them and dont' love when they are tugging/drooling on me and I have noticed that most of the people I have been around with kids (not saying this is everyone with kids, just a lot that I have been around) seem to just want to encourage and say how cute it is when the look on my face is clearly "I can see how cute you are from a distance".

LondonLisa · May 2015

JennyColada said:
We went over to my in-law's for Mother's Day yesterday. My SiL was there with her daughter (my niece), who is 18 months. After dinner, when we were all hanging out, my niece (Amy, so I don't have to keep saying "my niece") went to go sit next to DH and SiL was encouraging Amy to "give uncle A a kiss! Give him a kiss!" When we got home, I mentioned to DH that I thought that was a little strange (and I could see on DH's face at the time that he was smiling, but wasn't really excited about getting touchy-feeling with this kid). I mean, Amy is still a stranger to us. We've only seen her three times and we barely have a relationship with SiL, let alone her child.

Are we the odd ones out to feel a bit strange about giving/getting a kiss from, basically, a strange child?

I completely agree. I think we as a society really give our children (especially girls) mixed messages. We say "Hug this person" or "give us a kiss" but also say messages about not letting anyone make them uncomfortable or touch them. We need to listen to our girls and let them know that we trust them to make decisions what they do with their body when it comes to affection.

Now, if it was "Say hello to James" or "Come shake Mary's hand and introduce yourself" I would understand; you are trying to socialise a child and teach them norms. However, we are perpetuating the "Be a sweet girl and do what I say even though it makes you uncomfortable" then slut shame you for not saying "no"/ Madonna and the whore dichotamy.

I think Tina Fey hit the nail on the head when she wrote this during "Kimmy Schmidt":

TrixieJess · May 2015

JennyColada said:
We went over to my in-law's for Mother's Day yesterday. My SiL was there with her daughter (my niece), who is 18 months. After dinner, when we were all hanging out, my niece (Amy, so I don't have to keep saying "my niece") went to go sit next to DH and SiL was encouraging Amy to "give uncle A a kiss! Give him a kiss!" When we got home, I mentioned to DH that I thought that was a little strange (and I could see on DH's face at the time that he was smiling, but wasn't really excited about getting touchy-feeling with this kid). I mean, Amy is still a stranger to us. We've only seen her three times and we barely have a relationship with SiL, let alone her child.

Are we the odd ones out to feel a bit strange about giving/getting a kiss from, basically, a strange child?

She's not a strange child though, she's your niece. You are related to her. 18 months is around the time that children start learning to express their emotions. Your SIL probably wants your child to be an openly affectionate child (that's a good thing). Why did you feel odd about it? Are you not an openly affectionate person? We encourage our son to give hugs and kisses to his aunts and uncles who he doesn't see on a regular basis either, but they are still family.

julieanne912 · May 2015

TrixieJess said:

JennyColada said:
We went over to my in-law's for Mother's Day yesterday. My SiL was there with her daughter (my niece), who is 18 months. After dinner, when we were all hanging out, my niece (Amy, so I don't have to keep saying "my niece") went to go sit next to DH and SiL was encouraging Amy to "give uncle A a kiss! Give him a kiss!" When we got home, I mentioned to DH that I thought that was a little strange (and I could see on DH's face at the time that he was smiling, but wasn't really excited about getting touchy-feeling with this kid). I mean, Amy is still a stranger to us. We've only seen her three times and we barely have a relationship with SiL, let alone her child.

Are we the odd ones out to feel a bit strange about giving/getting a kiss from, basically, a strange child?
She's not a strange child though, she's your niece. You are related to her. 18 months is around the time that children start learning to express their emotions. Your SIL probably wants your child to be an openly affectionate child (that's a good thing). Why did you feel odd about it? Are you not an openly affectionate person? We encourage our son to give hugs and kisses to his aunts and uncles who he doesn't see on a regular basis either, but they are still family.

I think they should let the kid do whatever they feel comfortable with when it comes to physical contact with another person. If the kid doesn't want to give someone else a kiss, then mom shouldn't be pushing her to, just because SHE wants her to.

-Signed, someone who still feels awkward giving cousins she doesn't know well a hug.

JennyColada · May 2015

TrixieJess said:
She's not a strange child though, she's your niece. You are related to her. ...Why did you feel odd about it? Are you not an openly affectionate person?

I'm a super openly affectionate person with people I know. I feel like I don't know this girl. I'm totally fine with kissing my mom or my MiL on the lips, and I'm often snuggling with DH (in fact, lol, Amy jumped up to sit with DH because she saw that I wanted to sit with him, haha).

But I don't kiss my SiL (I don't even really hug my SiL). I just don't know them well enough. Just because someone is a child doesn't mean that I inherently want to hug and kiss and cuddle with them. DH is definitely less physically affectionate than I am, so I find it especially weird that SiL was trying to get Amy to kiss him.

I mean, I know my SiL's DH better than Amy, why isn't SiL encouraging him to kiss me (or DH)? (Rhetorical question. I know why, that would be weird. And I find it just as weird to be encouraging this kid to kiss me).

While she IS "related" to me (in a way), she IS a stranger to me. There are plenty of people that I'm related to that I consider strangers. Her being related to me by marriage doesn't make me suddenly feel emotionally close to her.

lovemesomemonster · May 2015

TrixieJess said:

JennyColada said:
We went over to my in-law's for Mother's Day yesterday. My SiL was there with her daughter (my niece), who is 18 months. After dinner, when we were all hanging out, my niece (Amy, so I don't have to keep saying "my niece") went to go sit next to DH and SiL was encouraging Amy to "give uncle A a kiss! Give him a kiss!" When we got home, I mentioned to DH that I thought that was a little strange (and I could see on DH's face at the time that he was smiling, but wasn't really excited about getting touchy-feeling with this kid). I mean, Amy is still a stranger to us. We've only seen her three times and we barely have a relationship with SiL, let alone her child.

Are we the odd ones out to feel a bit strange about giving/getting a kiss from, basically, a strange child?
She's not a strange child though, she's your niece. You are related to her. 18 months is around the time that children start learning to express their emotions. Your SIL probably wants your child to be an openly affectionate child (that's a good thing). Why did you feel odd about it? Are you not an openly affectionate person? We encourage our son to give hugs and kisses to his aunts and uncles who he doesn't see on a regular basis either, but they are still family.

I can't speak for OP but I can say that I am an openly affectionate person to family and very good friends, but I am not a baby person. Once they are older and can talk I have a great time playing with them but before that I'm awkward and really have no interest. May sound harsh but that's just how I am, FI's nephew is almost 2 and I have held him once out of necessity while they took some family pictures. Does it mean I don't like him? No, just means I'm not excited about babies no matter if they are part of my family or not.

JennyColada · May 2015

TrixieJess, if you make sure that the aunts and uncles or people that your son is kissing are ok with this? I mean, as my situation clearly shows, people are totally happy to put on a smiling and happy face and then get home and think about what an awkward situation that is.

Why, because it's a child, is consent no longer needed?

I dunno. When I have kids, I like to hope that, even as a child, I will instill in them that if they don't want to kiss someone or BE kissed by someone that that's ok and should be respected.

levioosa · May 2015

I was an introverted child. However, I could be really affectionate with the people I knew and loved. But I hated when my Italian side would make me hug and kiss everyone.

Children can be taught norms, but you don't have to force them into showing affection when they aren't comfortable with it. I also feel like it can really confuse them if something inappropriate does happen. They might feel obligated to do actions that are actually predatory in nature. It's important that a kid knows they can say no to showing affection. It's their right just as much as it is any adult's.

lyndausvi · May 2015

JennyColada said:
TrixieJess, if you make sure that the aunts and uncles or people that your son is kissing are ok with this? I mean, as my situation clearly shows, people are totally happy to put on a smiling and happy face and then get home and think about what an awkward situation that is.

Why, because it's a child, is consent no longer needed?

I dunno. When I have kids, I like to hope that, even as a child, I will instill in them that if they don't want to kiss someone or BE kissed by someone that that's ok and should be respected.

DH was the last in-law to enter my family. The rest of us were around from the beginning the start of the nieces/nephews were born. The oldest was 12 and the youngest about 4 or 5 when DH came into the family.

I know a couple of them asked if they "had" to hug or kiss DH the first time they met. All my siblings said it was up to them. All of the girls give him a hug. Not sure about the side-kiss, but I feel like some of them do kiss DH's cheek. Never noticed because I was being hugged and kissed at the same time. The boys at first gave him a hug. Now the boys are in their mid-teens it's a firm [see how much stronger I've gotten] hand-shake.

I pretty sure no one asked DH if he wanted to be hugged by them. I never said he had to except them from the kids. DH refers to my nieces/nephews as HIS nieces/nephews. Not our, but HIS, when they are actually mine. So I'm guessing it wasn't an issue for him. As I said, when we see each other it's a big hug and kiss fest. He might have jumped in thinking it was excepted. Not sure, but he has never complained.

His side are huggers and kissers too. There really weren't any young kids when I arrived into the family.

Now DH's friend's kids hug me everytime we visit (about once a year). I always think it's odd, because I don't know them. The kids give the hugs on their own. No prompting. Once we showed up when they were outside, but the parents were inside and they gave us a hug immediately. So I just go with it.

TrixieJess · May 2015

JennyColada said:
TrixieJess, if you make sure that the aunts and uncles or people that your son is kissing are ok with this? I mean, as my situation clearly shows, people are totally happy to put on a smiling and happy face and then get home and think about what an awkward situation that is.

Why, because it's a child, is consent no longer needed?

I dunno. When I have kids, I like to hope that, even as a child, I will instill in them that if they don't want to kiss someone or BE kissed by someone that that's ok and should be respected.

My whole family is openly affectionate, especially with children. All the children go up and hug each other and kiss each other and all the adults hug and kiss each other. It's not really something that has ever come up.

I do understand that you want children to have boundaries and be able to give consent, if my son looked like he wasn't comfortable, I would never force the issue, nor have I ever forced him upon an unsuspecting adult. My son is extremely affectionate. He will run and hug all his aunts and uncles when they come through the door. Mind you, he also tries to hug the cat. He'll also tell you no if he doesn't want to.

It may just be the way we are. I went to a shower a couple of months ago for a girlfriend who had a baby and all the kids there were at the hugging and kissing stage, it was very cute. There was one little girl who was more reserved and she played by herself. The other kids left her alone. They sensed she didn't want to be hugged and they didn't. Kids are pretty intuitive.

JennyColada · May 2015

I think that a lot of you are kind of missing the point: DH and I felt uncomfortable. I don't know if Amy did. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't. But DH did, and no one seemed to care or notice (except for me).

Just because someone is an adult doesn't mean that they want to be hugged or kissed by anyone, even a child.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2015

LondonLisa said:

JennyColada said:
We went over to my in-law's for Mother's Day yesterday. My SiL was there with her daughter (my niece), who is 18 months. After dinner, when we were all hanging out, my niece (Amy, so I don't have to keep saying "my niece") went to go sit next to DH and SiL was encouraging Amy to "give uncle A a kiss! Give him a kiss!" When we got home, I mentioned to DH that I thought that was a little strange (and I could see on DH's face at the time that he was smiling, but wasn't really excited about getting touchy-feeling with this kid). I mean, Amy is still a stranger to us. We've only seen her three times and we barely have a relationship with SiL, let alone her child.

Are we the odd ones out to feel a bit strange about giving/getting a kiss from, basically, a strange child?
I completely agree. I think we as a society really give our children (especially girls) mixed messages. We say "Hug this person" or "give us a kiss" but also say messages about not letting anyone make them uncomfortable or touch them. We need to listen to our girls and let them know that we trust them to make decisions what they do with their body when it comes to affection.

Now, if it was "Say hello to James" or "Come shake Mary's hand and introduce yourself" I would understand; you are trying to socialise a child and teach them norms. However, we are perpetuating the "Be a sweet girl and do what I say even though it makes you uncomfortable" then slut shame you for not saying "no"/ Madonna and the whore dichotamy.

I think Tina Fey hit the nail on the head when she wrote this during "Kimmy Schmidt":

I agree, that's why I'm not a fan of forcing kids to be affectionate with people and why I don't insist that my neice and nephews hug or kiss me. If they want to, fine. If they just want to wave at me, no problem.

lovemesomemonster · May 2015

TrixieJess said:

JennyColada said:
TrixieJess, if you make sure that the aunts and uncles or people that your son is kissing are ok with this? I mean, as my situation clearly shows, people are totally happy to put on a smiling and happy face and then get home and think about what an awkward situation that is.

Why, because it's a child, is consent no longer needed?

I dunno. When I have kids, I like to hope that, even as a child, I will instill in them that if they don't want to kiss someone or BE kissed by someone that that's ok and should be respected.
My whole family is openly affectionate, especially with children. All the children go up and hug each other and kiss each other and all the adults hug and kiss each other. It's not really something that has ever come up.

I do understand that you want children to have boundaries and be able to give consent, if my son looked like he wasn't comfortable, I would never force the issue, nor have I ever forced him upon an unsuspecting adult. My son is extremely affectionate. He will run and hug all his aunts and uncles when they come through the door. Mind you, he also tries to hug the cat. He'll also tell you no if he doesn't want to.

It may just be the way we are. I went to a shower a couple of months ago for a girlfriend who had a baby and all the kids there were at the hugging and kissing stage, it was very cute. There was one little girl who was more reserved and she played by herself. The other kids left her alone. They sensed she didn't want to be hugged and they didn't. Kids are pretty intuitive.

I totally agree with this, they are and sometimes more so than adults. From the OP it sounds like the mom of the child was encouraging, it wasn't an act that the little girl was doing on her own which is completely different.

VulgarGirl · May 2015

I always feel weird about parents forcing their children to show affection to other adults. Even as children they have a right to refuse to hug/kiss/show affection to another human.

I'm a very affectionate person. I hug, I kiss, I touch, that's how I express my feelings. But as a kid I had relatives I didn't want to hug/kiss. I didn't know them well even if we did share a few strands of DNA. They'd get upset I wouldn't give them a hug or a kiss. Luckily my parents recognized that I had every right to body autonomy even as a toddler.

I also feel weird hugging/kissing a kid I'm not close with or don't know well. Even if we're biologically related to each other. I wouldn't go up to some random adult and give them a hug and a kiss. Why am I going to do it with a kid? As affectionate as I am, I still need to know the person.

KatieinBkln · May 2015

Kids are wonderful creatures. They are also DISGUSTING. Sticky, sticky, sticky. Keep your 18 month-old mouth away from me.

I allow them hugs, if they want. The stickyness only gets about knee-high.

ashley8918 · May 2015

I mostly don't care about kids hugging/kissing me, but I am not at all cool with their parents forcing them to.

Cookie Pusher · May 2015

I'm totally a hugger, which baffles my mom since our culture is just not big on displays of affection. When it comes to kids, tho? If I'm not close to them, I don't feel comfortable hugging them. Even if the parents are encouraging them, I'm not above tossing out a "no, it's totally okay, they don't have to." Hell, I've done the "I might be coming down with something, so don't let the little one get too close!" with extra pushy people.

lovegood90 · May 2015

lovemesomemonster said:
I am this way about any kids. I'm awkward around them and dont' love when they are tugging/drooling on me and I have noticed that most of the people I have been around with kids (not saying this is everyone with kids, just a lot that I have been around) seem to just want to encourage and say how cute it is when the look on my face is clearly "I can see how cute you are from a distance".

This is me. I hate when people try to get me to hold their baby too. Like, I don't need to hold your baby to appreciate it. Please leave me alone before I start to feel like a jackass for refusing you for the 5th time as politely as I can. Arghh.

Bubblegum5586 · May 2015

I love all my nieces and have been blessed to see them fairly often (few times a month to few times a year depending on family). Most have gone through a shy phase and didn't want to hug or kiss me. I hate when the parent tries to force them to hug Aunty. It is totally ok that your kid doesn't want to hug me... and as they get older they out grow it and I get my hugs and kisses then.

southernbelle0915 · May 2015

I agree with @LondonLisa 100% if you look at this from the perspective of parenting. So awkward.

But it's also awkward for the adults who don't welcome kisses from basically unknown people/children. I guess all he could really do would be to say "oh that's ok, she doesn't need to kiss me. Excuse me, I'm going to grab a glass of water." And just hope that Amy forgets about it by the time he comes back. I wonder what's going through Amy's head - like why does she want this to happen?

jacques27 · May 2015

TrixieJess said:

JennyColada said:
We went over to my in-law's for Mother's Day yesterday. My SiL was there with her daughter (my niece), who is 18 months. After dinner, when we were all hanging out, my niece (Amy, so I don't have to keep saying "my niece") went to go sit next to DH and SiL was encouraging Amy to "give uncle A a kiss! Give him a kiss!" When we got home, I mentioned to DH that I thought that was a little strange (and I could see on DH's face at the time that he was smiling, but wasn't really excited about getting touchy-feeling with this kid). I mean, Amy is still a stranger to us. We've only seen her three times and we barely have a relationship with SiL, let alone her child.

Are we the odd ones out to feel a bit strange about giving/getting a kiss from, basically, a strange child?
She's not a strange child though, she's your niece. You are related to her. 18 months is around the time that children start learning to express their emotions. Your SIL probably wants your child to be an openly affectionate child (that's a good thing). Why did you feel odd about it? Are you not an openly affectionate person? We encourage our son to give hugs and kisses to his aunts and uncles who he doesn't see on a regular basis either, but they are still family.

Telling a child repeatedly to go kiss someone seems akin to showing off your dog's latest party trick. "Go shake hands! Go show them how you can shake hands! Give him your paw! Shake hands! Good boy!" Like you're showing off the kid's great trick that s/he understands what a kiss is and can do it on command. It would be one thing if the parent was like "Go greet/say hello to Uncle so-and-so!" and the kid happens to be an affectionate and kissy sort of kid who does it of their own volition - then great! But pushing a kid to have physical contact with anyone (family, friend, adult, or child) just seems counter to trying to teach a child about respect for their own bodies and for others' bodies, which I think is a far better thing to be teaching than kissing adults on command.

TrixieJess · May 2015

jacques27 said:

TrixieJess said:

JennyColada said:
We went over to my in-law's for Mother's Day yesterday. My SiL was there with her daughter (my niece), who is 18 months. After dinner, when we were all hanging out, my niece (Amy, so I don't have to keep saying "my niece") went to go sit next to DH and SiL was encouraging Amy to "give uncle A a kiss! Give him a kiss!" When we got home, I mentioned to DH that I thought that was a little strange (and I could see on DH's face at the time that he was smiling, but wasn't really excited about getting touchy-feeling with this kid). I mean, Amy is still a stranger to us. We've only seen her three times and we barely have a relationship with SiL, let alone her child.

Are we the odd ones out to feel a bit strange about giving/getting a kiss from, basically, a strange child?
She's not a strange child though, she's your niece. You are related to her. 18 months is around the time that children start learning to express their emotions. Your SIL probably wants your child to be an openly affectionate child (that's a good thing). Why did you feel odd about it? Are you not an openly affectionate person? We encourage our son to give hugs and kisses to his aunts and uncles who he doesn't see on a regular basis either, but they are still family.
Telling a child repeatedly to go kiss someone seems akin to showing off your dog's latest party trick. "Go shake hands! Go show them how you can shake hands! Give him your paw! Shake hands! Good boy!" Like you're showing off the kid's great trick that s/he understands what a kiss is and can do it on command. It would be one thing if the parent was like "Go greet/say hello to Uncle so-and-so!" and the kid happens to be an affectionate and kissy sort of kid who does it of their own volition - then great! But pushing a kid to have physical contact with anyone (family, friend, adult, or child) just seems counter to trying to teach a child about respect for their own bodies and for others' bodies, which I think is a far better thing to be teaching than kissing adults on command.

Maybe I'm reading it wrong, I don't think pushing children into giving affection is appropriate, but encouraging affectionate children to give hugs and kisses is fine. I also know that my family and family friends are fine with my son hugging and kissing them, and they will go in for hugs and kisses.

I would never go up to someone who my son doesn't know and do that. That being said, my son doesn't see his great aunt very often but he still goes up and hugs her every time he sees her. He knows she is family and wants to give her a hug. FI and I are very touchy feely with each other and our friends/family. I want my son to grow up like that too.

hellosweetie1015 · May 2015

I get it. I don't like kids up on me that I don't know either. I don't really care for kiddiekisses. I tolerate them from kids I adore, but mostly I am not a fan.

I also don't want a kid to feel like they have to kiss me because "mommy said to". I want them to understand that if they don't want to kiss me, I won't mind. I want every kid I associate with knowing that there are certain times where "no" is a permissible response. Not wanting to put your plate in the sink? "No" is not permissible. Not wanting to kiss your uncle Maurice? "No" is permissible.

Also I wouldn't ask them to kiss Uncle Maurice. I'd ask them to say hello, which they could do as they saw fit.

madamerwin · May 2015

jacques27 said:
TrixieJess said:

JennyColada said:
We went over to my in-law's for Mother's Day yesterday. My SiL was there with her daughter (my niece), who is 18 months. After dinner, when we were all hanging out, my niece (Amy, so I don't have to keep saying "my niece") went to go sit next to DH and SiL was encouraging Amy to "give uncle A a kiss! Give him a kiss!" When we got home, I mentioned to DH that I thought that was a little strange (and I could see on DH's face at the time that he was smiling, but wasn't really excited about getting touchy-feeling with this kid). I mean, Amy is still a stranger to us. We've only seen her three times and we barely have a relationship with SiL, let alone her child.

Are we the odd ones out to feel a bit strange about giving/getting a kiss from, basically, a strange child?
She's not a strange child though, she's your niece. You are related to her. 18 months is around the time that children start learning to express their emotions. Your SIL probably wants your child to be an openly affectionate child (that's a good thing). Why did you feel odd about it? Are you not an openly affectionate person? We encourage our son to give hugs and kisses to his aunts and uncles who he doesn't see on a regular basis either, but they are still family.

Telling a child repeatedly to go kiss someone seems akin to showing off your dog's latest party trick. "Go shake hands! Go show them how you can shake hands! Give him your paw! Shake hands! Good boy!" Like you're showing off the kid's great trick that s/he understands what a kiss is and can do it on command. It would be one thing if the parent was like "Go greet/say hello to Uncle so-and-so!" and the kid happens to be an affectionate and kissy sort of kid who does it of their own volition - then great! But pushing a kid to have physical contact with anyone (family, friend, adult, or child) just seems counter to trying to teach a child about respect for their own bodies and for others' bodies, which I think is a far better thing to be teaching than kissing adults on command.

----BOXES-----

I agree with this. I don't think forcing children to show affection is ever a good idea. It can be super confusing for a young kid to be told they need to hug/kiss someone when they don't want to, and then be told that people have personal boundaries that need to be respected. Young kids' personal space and boundaries should be respected when it comes to showing affection, in the same way adults' boundaries need to be respected.

Encouraging kids to show affection is great, but if they choose not to give hugs or kisses, it should not be forced. When saying goodbye to my 2 y.o. niece, I always ask for a hug and a kiss. Sometimes, she obliges, other times she says "No thank you!" (it's actually adorable). In which case I ask for a high five, or I blow her a kiss.

My 3.5 y.o. goddaughter is the opposite. Whenever she leaves, she goes up to every single person, gives them a hug, and then a kiss on the mouth. Fine for us, but I am sure it would make some adults (especially ones who do not know her well) uncomfortable.

In OP's case, it sounds like her FI's boundaries were not being respected either. But I don't think that anyone should be forced to show affection, and that includes young kids.

Edited to add emphasis and make boxes

littlepep · May 2015

LondonLisa said:

JennyColada said:
We went over to my in-law's for Mother's Day yesterday. My SiL was there with her daughter (my niece), who is 18 months. After dinner, when we were all hanging out, my niece (Amy, so I don't have to keep saying "my niece") went to go sit next to DH and SiL was encouraging Amy to "give uncle A a kiss! Give him a kiss!" When we got home, I mentioned to DH that I thought that was a little strange (and I could see on DH's face at the time that he was smiling, but wasn't really excited about getting touchy-feeling with this kid). I mean, Amy is still a stranger to us. We've only seen her three times and we barely have a relationship with SiL, let alone her child.

Are we the odd ones out to feel a bit strange about giving/getting a kiss from, basically, a strange child?
I completely agree. I think we as a society really give our children (especially girls) mixed messages. We say "Hug this person" or "give us a kiss" but also say messages about not letting anyone make them uncomfortable or touch them. We need to listen to our girls and let them know that we trust them to make decisions what they do with their body when it comes to affection.

Now, if it was "Say hello to James" or "Come shake Mary's hand and introduce yourself" I would understand; you are trying to socialise a child and teach them norms. However, we are perpetuating the "Be a sweet girl and do what I say even though it makes you uncomfortable" then slut shame you for not saying "no"/ Madonna and the whore dichotamy.

I think Tina Fey hit the nail on the head when she wrote this during "Kimmy Schmidt":

I really can't say anything better than this, and also it's awkward to force anyone to show affection to any other person. So nope on all of that.

dolewhipper · May 2015

I find this discussion very interesting, personally. I come from a hispanic background so it's very common to have the little babies told, "besito tia dolewhipper! besito!" from their parents. When I was young I remember hating kissing my uncle, because he had a very scratch beard I couldn't stand. However, that didn't mean that I was able to dismiss giving him a kiss when I greeted him or left; it was expected from me to show affection that way. This is also common to give a kiss on the cheek when first meeting friends of the family.

When my MIL came over to my step moms house for my bridal shower, she was a bit taken aback, I could tell. H and his family's culture is not the touchy feely, kiss on the cheek when greeting people. She grin and bared it, usually gave just little hugs if they went in for it and took her seat quickly so she could greet from her chair. I could see it was out of her comfort zone. With me she does it and is comfortable, H's brother still does the awkward half hug with me (and we're close). It's very different for me to have to remember not to do that.

louxnoelle · May 2015

Another vote for teaching kids that their bodies are their own, and allowing them to choose if and when to be affectionate, and with whom. I'm Italian and little kids are always being told to "give kisses" to everybody, so I never really understood the mixed-signals until taking a childhood development class.

FSS is three, and he goes into these phases of not wanting to kiss FSMIL or FFIL. It's been this big to-do in his family, and when I recently mentioned (privately) to FI that I think shaming him into giving kisses could be unhealthy, he agreed - and now FSS gives more kisses than he ever has, without the awkwardness.

Are we the only people like this? [nwr]

Re: Are we the only people like this? [nwr]

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