Pre-wedding Parties

Bridal Shower-Is your groom coming?

My MOG wants my fiance to come to the shower and participate in the shower as much as I am (the bride).  Open presents and such.  No other men are coming, just him, so it is not a Jack and Jill.  My family typically does bride only and it's all women, so I find this extremely weird.  My fiance really doesn't care to come, but his mom and my mom are hosting.  Do we just go along with this? Is this weird or is it me? Do grooms usually come to showers with all women?

Thanks!

Re: Bridal Shower-Is your groom coming?

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
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    aloha5736 said:

    My MOG wants my fiance to come to the shower and participate in the shower as much as I am (the bride).  Open presents and such.  No other men are coming, just him, so it is not a Jack and Jill.  My family typically does bride only and it's all women, so I find this extremely weird.  My fiance really doesn't care to come, but his mom and my mom are hosting.  Do we just go along with this? Is this weird or is it me? Do grooms usually come to showers with all women?


    Thanks!
    I believe this differs by region and/or circle. At every single shower I've ever been to, including my own, the groom shows up towards the end (after gifts have been opened) to thank everyone and hang out a bit. I've never seen a groom there the entire time, nor have I ever seen him not show up at all. But that's just my circle. Maybe you should ask your FMIL how it's usually done in her family and reach some sort of compromise? 
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  • My family is typically groom shows up at the end and says "hi and thank you".  Helps carry out presents.  It's typically a girls day.  His mom says the totally opposite groom sits their and opens presents, walks in with bride, and it's a shower for the bride/groom.  

    My mom and his mom are hosting LOL which makes it difficult.  I wish my mom would say something, but the subject has never been brought up.  My mom is really easy going, so she'd just go along with whatever to avoid a conflict  
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
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    aloha5736 said:

    My MOG wants my fiance to come to the shower and participate in the shower as much as I am (the bride).  Open presents and such.  No other men are coming, just him, so it is not a Jack and Jill.  My family typically does bride only and it's all women, so I find this extremely weird.  My fiance really doesn't care to come, but his mom and my mom are hosting.  Do we just go along with this? Is this weird or is it me? Do grooms usually come to showers with all women?


    Thanks!
    My H would have found any excuse in the book to not come to my shower.  And my shower was pretty low key with no games or any silliness, just eating, drinking and opening of presents. But he still would not have wanted to hang out with a bunch of women oohing and ahhing over towels and sheets.

    If your FI does not want to come then he needs to talk to his Mom about this.  

  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    My FI did not want to attend my shower. I don't think he wanted to be within 20 miles of it. He just wanted to go to lunch with his buddies and get a beer before the bachelor party. 

    In my social circle, the groom does not attend. But I've heard of the groom showing up towards the end, but never being the only male in the room for the entire duration of the shower. 

    Is it possible that his Mom just wants him there since she's hosting and she doesn't really get to throw him a shower?

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  • Okay!  I was just checking before I actually said anything to him, maybe my family did things differently.  IDK? I haven't been to a ton of showers either outside my family.  Typically its women only, and groom shows up at end to say thank you's.  I'm not against him coming, just as a guest of the shower i'd be confused to why he was there.  I typically think its girl's time and I enjoy it that way as a guest.   He really has no desire to be there AT ALL, but his mom has made it a point to say we have to show up together.  He was planning to go help do the heavy setup prior to the start, but she wants us to enter together!
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
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    aloha5736 said:

    Okay!  I was just checking before I actually said anything to him, maybe my family did things differently.  IDK? I haven't been to a ton of showers either outside my family.  Typically its women only, and groom shows up at end to say thank you's.  I'm not against him coming, just as a guest of the shower i'd be confused to why he was there.  I typically think its girl's time and I enjoy it that way as a guest.   He really has no desire to be there AT ALL, but his mom has made it a point to say we have to show up together.  He was planning to go help do the heavy setup prior to the start, but she wants us to enter together!

    Your FMIL sounds a bit nuts.  So are you supposed to wait until all of your guests arrive and then do this grand entrance thing with your FI?  

    In the end, your FI is the one who should deal with this with his Mom, not you.  I think it would be pretty crappy of her to 'force' him to come when he doesn't want to be there.  And unless the invite includes his name as one of the honorees then the party is not for him so he does not have to be there.

  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2015
    Yeah, your FI should be dealing with his mother and her ridiculous request, not you. And if he's not listed on the invite, it's not his party. So he doesn't really have an obligation to be there. Nobody will be expecting him to be there.

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  • Right? She means well and I'm very thankful she is part hosting a shower and doing the majority of the planning.  It is only my name on the invite.  I know nothing about the shower, basically other than logistics.  I'm going along with the flow, but when I mentioned "Why is he coming?" she said all my friends children have the grooms there.  This is not my tradition AT ALL.  Just wanted to make sure I wasn't on another planet.  She's Italian...Italian moms and their sons LOL.  He will always deal LOL.
  • I think this just varies by social circle and y'all need to do what's comfortable for you. 

    Co-ed showers are the normal in my circle. It's more like a social gathering that happens to have gifts. We would have had one, but the person who offered to host it didn't have a big enough house. So it was just women. My H came for about a half hour, thanked people for the gifts, and socialized before helping carry stuff out.
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  • Yea we do Jack and Jills somewhat....my friend had one and all men were invited and the groom participated.  My fiance came as a guest with me, but again it was clearly stated on the invite it was a "Jack and Jill".  More like a social function than a shower, but never all women and just the groom.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Why not just have your FI suggest to his Mom that he will come near the end of the shower (in time for the cake) to be able to say hello to everyone, but that he wants the majority of the party to be about you and that he wants you to have a nice day alone with all of your close female friends and family.

  • Exactly! Thank you for your suggestions :) I just didn't want to suggest anything to him, if my family traditions were completely from another world.  He will mention it :) on any note, i'm still happy to be having a nice shower thrown for me.  So, i'll do whatever, but glad to see i'm not the only one with this opinion!  
  • I think my man would rather jump off a cliff than spend an entire "shower" with a bunch of women. That being said when I threw one for my best friend we did more of a party and everyone was invited (lots of men) and there were yard games/beer so everyone had something to do. But that seems strange to have him as the only one there. 

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  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
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    My H did not at all want to come to the shower that his mom and his old-lady-next-door-neighbor-friend were throwing for me. However, I also did not want to go, and the only reason we were having the shower was because he wanted me to make those ladies happy that way. Also, with the guest list his mom planned, he was the only one of us that many of the ladies knew, and he knew that their generosity was really directed towards him.

    He was therefore prepared to come and suffer through it with me. He came with me and said hi to people at the beginning (no grand entrance nonsense), and then after a certain amount of time mingling, I let him go (to his parents' house next door). He came back again at the end to pack stuff up and say hi and thank the ladies.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I've seen the groom show up at the end to say hello to the guests and help carry gifts, but other than that, if the shower is not specifically designated a "couples' shower" then he doesn't need to be there. Definitely he does not need to open gifts together with the bride.

    If you, your mom, family members, and friends aren't okay with his being there and he doesn't want to be there, he needs to shut his mother down: "Mom, I'm sorry, but you're the only one who wants me there. No one else does, not even aloha5736. I don't want to be there. So it's not happening. If you don't stop bringing it up, there may not be a shower. Please consider the subject closed."
  • mrscomposermrscomposer Mani-snow-ba member
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    aloha5736 said:

    Okay!  I was just checking before I actually said anything to him, maybe my family did things differently.  IDK? I haven't been to a ton of showers either outside my family.  Typically its women only, and groom shows up at end to say thank you's.  I'm not against him coming, just as a guest of the shower i'd be confused to why he was there.  I typically think its girl's time and I enjoy it that way as a guest.   He really has no desire to be there AT ALL, but his mom has made it a point to say we have to show up together.  He was planning to go help do the heavy setup prior to the start, but she wants us to enter together!



    This could be a generational thing, too.  When we were talking about my shower, J's grandma asked if he was going to be bringing me in.  Apparently the groom would 'present' his bride at the beginning of the shower, say hi, and then peace out. 

    I'm an adult and walking into marriage on my own.  I can handle walking into a shower.

    I wouldn't necessarily say what Jen suggested above about 'there may not be a shower' if she doesn't stop bringing it up, but I would get your FI to tell her mom that it's starting to get uncomfortable and he will not be attending.

    **The OMH formerly known as jsangel1018**
  • I think hes going to take the approach of..."I would prefer not to come and don't want to hang out with a bunch of women."   Something along those lines.  Make it a girls day in a nice context.  
  • larrygagalarrygaga Czechoslovakia member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2015
    I had no idea growing up that the groom typically doesn't show up to a shower. In our circles, both families are invited to one big shower, and the groom comes to help open presents and give thanks.

    Why does the groom get to be exempt? They are his gifts too! I know I am not getting all this cookware because I am the woman. 

    My FI is perfectly capable of socializing with his aunts and grandmother, along with my family. His best man also attended. They had a little table in the back for lunch and spent most of the time walking around and talking, like I did. Generally, the husbands and s/os that happen to be around come over to eat up some of the leftovers after the shower is done, while the hosts pick up. Often they have yard games happening outside as well, and the men and children mostly gravitate towards that. 

    Maybe I'm biased, but if I'm buying a gift for a couple than I expect both people from the couple to give thanks. Not just the woman. To me that's sexist. We call them wedding showers, as well. The bridal showers I've attended were okay, just weird without the groom there. 

    I know I was raised very differently than most people, however. It's just the basic idea of a women only bridal shower is sexist as hell! 

    "We only want the bride around to receive cooking things. The man doesn't need that stuff, he's getting a wife!"

    I don't really care if a groom doesn't want to go to his own shower. He's getting a fuckload of gifts, I think he can take two hours out of his day to thank people. 
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  • I have to agree with @larrygaga. I don't really understand why grooms are exempted from the showers. The gifts aren't just for the woman in the relationship. Hell, some of the cleaning stuff on the registry will be used more by him than by me! My FH is coming to the shower (that I know nothing about and thankfully is being thrown on a date that I was available since I had no input but that's another thread) and I know he'll be around, I just don't think we'll be together the whole time, I'd prefer he'd be there because showers are estrogen hellfests. My Man of Honour is supposed to go but apparently my FMIL is not keen on having him there but invited him because he's my only attendant (again, another thread).

    So I think it's great to have FHs at the shower, it knocks a lot of the estrogen bullshit out of the day and makes it slightly more tolerable.

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    There's nothing whatsoever wrong with a couple's shower. I agree that the gifts are being given to both members of the couple and it isn't wrong to include him if he wants to be there.

    That, I think, is the key in this case: does he want to be there? If not, then he needs to make that clear to his mother so she'll stop pushing for it. And even if he did, expecting them to walk in together is over-the-top.

    That said, I also think women's-only and men's-only events are okay too. Just as some people like @larrygaga are familiar with couple's showers, others are familiar with single-sex showers and wouldn't be comfortable with members of the opposite sex there. If everyone, or the majority, of the people you're inviting are familiar with only one type of event, then it makes sense to plan that type of event.

    JaniV123
  • My MOG wants my fiance to come to the shower and participate in the shower as much as I am (the bride).  Open presents and such.  No other men are coming, just him, so it is not a Jack and Jill.  My family typically does bride only and it's all women, so I find this extremely weird.  My fiance really doesn't care to come, but his mom and my mom are hosting.  Do we just go along with this? Is this weird or is it me? Do grooms usually come to showers with all women?

    Thanks!
    I believe this differs by region and/or circle. At every single shower I've ever been to, including my own, the groom shows up towards the end (after gifts have been opened) to thank everyone and hang out a bit. I've never seen a groom there the entire time, nor have I ever seen him not show up at all. But that's just my circle. Maybe you should ask your FMIL how it's usually done in her family and reach some sort of compromise? 

    This is what is done in my family as well. My shower ran a little late so when FI arrived we were mid gift opening so he sat down and opened presents with me. 


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