Is it okay to invite my fiance's cousins but not their parents?

nlwells2012 · May 2015

My fiance's aunt has been horrible to their family in the last year or so. She has said some mean things about the family members. She didnt even go see her father (fiance's grandfather) after his open heart surgery. But my fiance still wants to invite his cousins because they haven't done anything wrong.

CMGragain · May 2015

Seat them together at their own table - out on the edge.

Jen4948 · May 2015

If the cousins are adults, their parents need not be invited.

RezIpsa · May 2015

If the cousins are minors, you need to invite parents if you invite them.

If cousins are adults, you do not need to invite parents if you invite them.

southernbelle0915 · May 2015

How old are the cousins. Once I know that, I can vote (I would say the exact same thing as @RezIpsa

CMGragain · May 2015

Etiquette says you don't have to invite the, BUT - it isn't worth the trauma. Invite the parents and sit them all at their own table. If you don't invite them, it is likely to cause more family drama. Not worth it.

Jen4948 · May 2015

CMGragain said:
Etiquette says you don't have to invite the, BUT - it isn't worth the trauma. Invite the parents and sit them all at their own table. If you don't invite them, it is likely to cause more family drama. Not worth it.

If you don't personally know the OP and her relatives, how would you know that there would even be "trauma" as a result of not inviting her aunt and uncle who behave like assholes, let alone whether or not it's "worth it" to not invite them?

Answer: you don't. Generalizing about how every relationship should be when you don't personally know the people involved is bad advice. It may not be "worth it" as well as "traumatic" to the OP to invite this aunt and uncle and not the other way around.

Stop making assumptions when you don't know or have evidence supported by facts.

CMGragain · May 2015

Jen4948 said:

CMGragain said:
Etiquette says you don't have to invite the, BUT - it isn't worth the trauma. Invite the parents and sit them all at their own table. If you don't invite them, it is likely to cause more family drama. Not worth it.
If you don't personally know the OP and her relatives, how would you know that there would even be "trauma" as a result of not inviting her aunt and uncle who behave like assholes, let alone whether or not it's "worth it" to not invite them?

Answer: you don't. Generalizing about how every relationship should be when you don't personally know the people involved is bad advice. It may not be "worth it" as well as "traumatic" to the OP to invite this aunt and uncle and not the other way around.

Stop making assumptions when you don't know or have evidence supported by facts.

I don't know of ANY family where this wouldn't cause talk and speculation. Do you? Perhaps you are also generalizing?
OP, you started this thread. What do you think?

Jen4948 · May 2015

CMGragain said:

Jen4948 said:

CMGragain said:
Etiquette says you don't have to invite the, BUT - it isn't worth the trauma. Invite the parents and sit them all at their own table. If you don't invite them, it is likely to cause more family drama. Not worth it.
If you don't personally know the OP and her relatives, how would you know that there would even be "trauma" as a result of not inviting her aunt and uncle who behave like assholes, let alone whether or not it's "worth it" to not invite them?

Answer: you don't. Generalizing about how every relationship should be when you don't personally know the people involved is bad advice. It may not be "worth it" as well as "traumatic" to the OP to invite this aunt and uncle and not the other way around.

Stop making assumptions when you don't know or have evidence supported by facts.
I don't know of ANY family where this wouldn't cause talk and speculation. Do you?

Yes. Mine.

Because my father and late aunt tried to stay connected to their cousins even when their respective parents weren't speaking to each other.

That's not the point. The point is that as you don't know the family dynamics here, it's really rich of you to assume that there will be trauma caused by not inviting the aunt and uncle or that it's "not worth it" not to. That's not for you to decide for other people, especially when you don't personally know them. Because not every family functions like yours. So damn what if there's "talk and speculation" ? That doesn't equal "trauma." Any mature adult should be able to handle " talk and speculation" generated by not inviting asshole relatives to their wedding.

CMGragain · May 2015

Jen4948 said:

CMGragain said:

Jen4948 said:

CMGragain said:
Etiquette says you don't have to invite the, BUT - it isn't worth the trauma. Invite the parents and sit them all at their own table. If you don't invite them, it is likely to cause more family drama. Not worth it.
If you don't personally know the OP and her relatives, how would you know that there would even be "trauma" as a result of not inviting her aunt and uncle who behave like assholes, let alone whether or not it's "worth it" to not invite them?

Answer: you don't. Generalizing about how every relationship should be when you don't personally know the people involved is bad advice. It may not be "worth it" as well as "traumatic" to the OP to invite this aunt and uncle and not the other way around.

Stop making assumptions when you don't know or have evidence supported by facts.
I don't know of ANY family where this wouldn't cause talk and speculation. Do you?
Yes. Mine.

Because my father and late aunt tried to stay connected to their cousins even when their respective parents weren't speaking to each other.

That's not the point. The point is that as you don't know the family dynamics here, it's really rich of you to assume that there will be trauma caused by not inviting the aunt and uncle or that it's "not worth it." That's not for you to decide for other people, especially when you don't personally know them. Because not every family functions like yours.

If you have seen my posts for a long time, you know that my own family was one of the most dysfunctional families anywhere. I had to tiptoe around relatives fighting at my own wedding. My mother refused to come to daughter's wedding because her FI wasn't white. There was all kinds of issues with both family weddings. I did refuse to invite my ex-brother-in-law, who was a drug dealer. Ditto for my ex-step brother who was a child molester. We sucked it up and went ahead with plans. That is what I am advising the OP to do.

Jen4948 · May 2015

CMGragain said:

Jen4948 said:

CMGragain said:

Jen4948 said:

CMGragain said:
Etiquette says you don't have to invite the, BUT - it isn't worth the trauma. Invite the parents and sit them all at their own table. If you don't invite them, it is likely to cause more family drama. Not worth it.
If you don't personally know the OP and her relatives, how would you know that there would even be "trauma" as a result of not inviting her aunt and uncle who behave like assholes, let alone whether or not it's "worth it" to not invite them?

Answer: you don't. Generalizing about how every relationship should be when you don't personally know the people involved is bad advice. It may not be "worth it" as well as "traumatic" to the OP to invite this aunt and uncle and not the other way around.

Stop making assumptions when you don't know or have evidence supported by facts.
I don't know of ANY family where this wouldn't cause talk and speculation. Do you?
Yes. Mine.

Because my father and late aunt tried to stay connected to their cousins even when their respective parents weren't speaking to each other.

That's not the point. The point is that as you don't know the family dynamics here, it's really rich of you to assume that there will be trauma caused by not inviting the aunt and uncle or that it's "not worth it." That's not for you to decide for other people, especially when you don't personally know them. Because not every family functions like yours.
If you have seen my posts for a long time, you know that my own family was one of the most dysfunctional families anywhere. I had to tiptoe around relatives fighting at my own wedding. My mother refused to come to daughter's wedding because her FI wasn't white. There was all kinds of issues with both family weddings. I did refuse to invite my ex-brother-in-law, who was a drug dealer. Ditto for my ex-step brother who was a child molester. We sucked it up and went ahead with plans. That is what I am advising the OP to do.

And I disagree. Just because people don't have the same issues with their families that you did with yours does not mean that one always has to look the other way when people treat them badly.

In fact, it may cause the OP "trauma" to invite these people. She needs to be the judge of that, not you, because you don't personally know the people involved or their dynamics. You are not qualified to diagnose potential "trauma" based solely on your personal background or what people you don't know post on this board.

photokitty · May 2015

southernbelle0915 said:
How old are the cousins. Once I know that, I can vote (I would say the exact same thing as @RezIpsa

Ditto!

AddieCake · May 2015

If they are adults, go for it. I considered doing it with minors at our wedding as well. I hated that my younger cousins ended up being casualties of the war I was in with their parents. But in the end, I opted not to invite the younger ones, either, to avoid drama, which ended up causing even more drama after the wedding. You just can't win with some people.

lembaslover · May 2015

I'm in a similar situation. My cousin is married and I am inviting him and his wife but not his parents because they have been awful to our family. I've been told my cousin and his wife might not come b/c they are hurt by me not inviting his parents. When I was told that I said well tell them I'm sorry that it's hurting them I hope I will get to see them but that's their call.

As for the aunt and uncle I keep getting told just invite them to keep peace they wont be able to come anyway but honestly I feel like at this point they know they aren't on the invite list so if they get one they will make a point to show up and just cause drama at the wedding itself.

MobKaz · May 2015

Jen4948 said:

CMGragain said:

Jen4948 said:

CMGragain said:

Jen4948 said:

CMGragain said:
Etiquette says you don't have to invite the, BUT - it isn't worth the trauma. Invite the parents and sit them all at their own table. If you don't invite them, it is likely to cause more family drama. Not worth it.
If you don't personally know the OP and her relatives, how would you know that there would even be "trauma" as a result of not inviting her aunt and uncle who behave like assholes, let alone whether or not it's "worth it" to not invite them?

Answer: you don't. Generalizing about how every relationship should be when you don't personally know the people involved is bad advice. It may not be "worth it" as well as "traumatic" to the OP to invite this aunt and uncle and not the other way around.

Stop making assumptions when you don't know or have evidence supported by facts.
I don't know of ANY family where this wouldn't cause talk and speculation. Do you?
Yes. Mine.

Because my father and late aunt tried to stay connected to their cousins even when their respective parents weren't speaking to each other.

That's not the point. The point is that as you don't know the family dynamics here, it's really rich of you to assume that there will be trauma caused by not inviting the aunt and uncle or that it's "not worth it." That's not for you to decide for other people, especially when you don't personally know them. Because not every family functions like yours.
If you have seen my posts for a long time, you know that my own family was one of the most dysfunctional families anywhere. I had to tiptoe around relatives fighting at my own wedding. My mother refused to come to daughter's wedding because her FI wasn't white. There was all kinds of issues with both family weddings. I did refuse to invite my ex-brother-in-law, who was a drug dealer. Ditto for my ex-step brother who was a child molester. We sucked it up and went ahead with plans. That is what I am advising the OP to do.
And I disagree. Just because people don't have the same issues with their families that you did with yours does not mean that one always has to look the other way when people treat them badly.

In fact, it may cause the OP "trauma" to invite these people. She needs to be the judge of that, not you, because you don't personally know the people involved or their dynamics. You are not qualified to diagnose potential "trauma" based solely on your personal background or what people you don't know post on this board.

Suggesting to posters to do/not do certain things to "keep the peace" or to avoid family drama is pretty typical, general advice on the boards. Two posters following @CMGragain have made this exact suggestion. CMGragain may have suggested it in part due to her personal history, but I have seen this advice suggested as it pertains to inviting/not inviting children, step families, and several other scenarios.

Jen4948 · May 2015

Yeah, but in this case, it sounds like inviting this aunt might disrupt the peace more than keep it. If that's the case, she shouldn't be invited to "keep the peace" if she's going to cause a scene or otherwise engage in ugly behavior at the wedding or related events.

lyndausvi · May 2015

Actions have consequences.

I do not believe you have to invite the aunt at all. My SIL didn't invite her own father, but did invite his sisters. She also invited some cousins (other side of the family), but not her mom's only sibling.

However, just because the action was in your best interest doesn't mean there isn't consequences to the action. Everyone has different family dynamics. Only you can answer if it's worth it or not.

For my SIL, her actions were well worth it. There was no fallout from not inviting her aunt. Not inviting her dad was a different story, but the fallout was still worth not inviting him.

Is it okay to invite my fiance's cousins but not their parents?

Is it okay to invite my fiance's cousins but not their parents? 13 votes

Re: Is it okay to invite my fiance's cousins but not their parents?

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