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Moms and Maids

FMIL hates our venue

FH and I have just booked our venue- a large family-reunion retreat that is exactly what we're looking for- it's casual, budget friendly, with lots of room for dancing and other activities and we'll be able to use what ever vendors and decor we like. My FMIL, however, absolutely hates our venue. She has very strong opinions on how things should and should not be done and she believes that weddings must be in ballrooms. According to her, anything less immediately becomes "country bumpkin." (To clarify- FH and I are paying for the wedding). She has been very judgemental of the majority of our ideas, but we're hoping that maybe if we can get her to at least warm up to the venue, she'll come around to the rest (a girl can dream)
How can we bring her around to seeing how wonderful our day will be and accepting a more diy, laid back (but still appropriately hosted) wedding style?

Re: FMIL hates our venue

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited May 2015

    You can't.

    What you can do is stop talking about your wedding with her.  If you're with her and she starts making critical comments about your venue or anything else, just tell her, "We're sorry you feel that way, but we've made our decision and it's final.  We're not up to discussing it."

    That said, while it's reasonable to refuse to listen to critical judgments from her, she doesn't have to love your venue or see your wedding as "wonderful."  While she's not entitled to feed you unending criticism about your venue, she is entitled to feel however she wants to about it.  Trying to make her change her attitude is probably just going to make her dig in her heels about it.

    fieryredsamPrettyGirlLost
  • Jen4948 said:

    You can't.

    What you can do is stop talking about your wedding with her.  If you're with her and she starts making critical comments about your venue or anything else, just tell her, "We're sorry you feel that way, but we've made our decision and it's final.  We're not up to discussing it."

    That said, while it's reasonable to refuse to listen to critical judgments from her, she doesn't have to love your venue or see your wedding as "wonderful."  While she's not entitled to feed you unending criticism about your venue, she is entitled to feel however she wants to about it.  Trying to make her change her attitude is probably just going to make her dig in her heels about it.

    To the bolded- Very true. Her opinion isn't something worth fighting her on if that's how things are going to be
  • FH and I have just booked our venue- a large family-reunion retreat that is exactly what we're looking for- it's casual, budget friendly, with lots of room for dancing and other activities and we'll be able to use what ever vendors and decor we like. My FMIL, however, absolutely hates our venue. She has very strong opinions on how things should and should not be done and she believes that weddings must be in ballrooms. According to her, anything less immediately becomes "country bumpkin." (To clarify- FH and I are paying for the wedding). She has been very judgemental of the majority of our ideas, but we're hoping that maybe if we can get her to at least warm up to the venue, she'll come around to the rest (a girl can dream)
    How can we bring her around to seeing how wonderful our day will be and accepting a more diy, laid back (but still appropriately hosted) wedding style?
    I guess you'll be having a "Country Bumpkin" wedding then, huh?  See, I guess I just don't find that as insulting as you do.  "We have selected our venue.  End of story.  Keep up the criticisms of our decisions and this will be the last decision that you'll hear about until you receive your invitation in the mail."
    MairePoppyPrettyGirlLost
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Next time she says anything about it, your fiancé should tell her you guys are happy with your choice and that the subject is closed.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    OliveOilsMomdowntondivaPrettyGirlLost
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    adk19 said:

    FH and I have just booked our venue- a large family-reunion retreat that is exactly what we're looking for- it's casual, budget friendly, with lots of room for dancing and other activities and we'll be able to use what ever vendors and decor we like. My FMIL, however, absolutely hates our venue. She has very strong opinions on how things should and should not be done and she believes that weddings must be in ballrooms. According to her, anything less immediately becomes "country bumpkin." (To clarify- FH and I are paying for the wedding). She has been very judgemental of the majority of our ideas, but we're hoping that maybe if we can get her to at least warm up to the venue, she'll come around to the rest (a girl can dream)
    How can we bring her around to seeing how wonderful our day will be and accepting a more diy, laid back (but still appropriately hosted) wedding style?
    I guess you'll be having a "Country Bumpkin" wedding then, huh?  See, I guess I just don't find that as insulting as you do.  "We have selected our venue.  End of story.  Keep up the criticisms of our decisions and this will be the last decision that you'll hear about until you receive your invitation in the mail."


    My daughter found herself in this situation. Her MIL literally flipped out at the choice of venue, even though it was actually a country club setting. DD's FI nipped it in the bud by explaining that it was their choice, and that she didn't have to like it.

    [Deleted User]PrettyGirlLost
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    If she's not paying for the venue, she doesn't have to like it. Fi should tell her that the decision is final and if she can't play nice, no more wedding talk for her.

                       
    [Deleted User]OliveOilsMom
  • She probably won't like lots of things. Right now it's your venue, maybe next is your choice of colors, next is your menu, your cake flavor, your dress, your centerpieces. 

    OH WELL. She's not paying, so her opinion doesn't matter. If she speaks up negatively about other wedding stuff, I would just stop talking wedding with her. 
    *********************************************************************************

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    [Deleted User]PrettyGirlLost
  • AddieCake said:

    Next time she says anything about it, your fiancé should tell her you guys are happy with your choice and that the subject is closed.

    Same goes for anything else she criticizes about the wedding - because there will probably be more. I'd keep the wedding talk on a "need to know" basis with your FMIL as much as possible, so you can minimize her opportunities to complain.

    Also, stop worrying about "bringing her around" to the kind of wedding you're going to have. You're only going to frustrate yourself if you keep trying. Let her have her feelings about your wedding and let her sulk that day if she can't be bothered to put on a happy face and see what's really important.
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • My FMIL pulled that shit on us. I don't really give a shit that she doesn't like our venue or how we're doing the wedding. She's not paying for anything so she can STFU. I have no interest in sharing what we're doing at the wedding with her because she wants to dictate what we're doing. No. If she wants a wedding that suits her tastes, she can throw her own. Our wedding, our venue choice. End of story,
    [Deleted User]
  • sarahuflsarahufl New York member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I went through the same thing. MIL is very old-fashioned and wanted my wedding to be like her 2 daughter's weddings. She didn't understand my vision or ideas and she basically poo-pooed everything. So I stopped talking to her about it because it made me punchy.

    Then, at the wedding, she said it was great, everyone else said it was great and it was over. I think she had a hard time getting her head around what we were doing. FWIW, we weren't doing anything weird at all, it was just a bit on the casual side and she is used to formal.

    I would just stop talking to her about it and move along. She will either come around or she won't, but it really isn't your problem.
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    [Deleted User]PrettyGirlLost
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My mother has absolutely no filter sometimes. And when she says something unintentionally nasty about my wedding, such as "Oh, that Church won't be pretty enough" or "I hate the idea of Bridesmaids in white" I just say to myself internally: "Well, its good that you don't have to get married there" or "Well, its good you don't have to wear that bridesmaid's dress, then".

    I never actually say it out loud, but it prevents me from snapping or stooping to her level. Plus it just reframes my approach to it as her just being a bit silly and not having an effect on me. 
  • Don't discuss. Bean dip her. She'll probably never like it and continue to judge it no matter what you do. As long as you and Fi are happy and you properly host your guests, it's none of her business.

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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    My mother has absolutely no filter sometimes. And when she says something unintentionally nasty about my wedding, such as "Oh, that Church won't be pretty enough" or "I hate the idea of Bridesmaids in white" I just say to myself internally: "Well, its good that you don't have to get married there" or "Well, its good you don't have to wear that bridesmaid's dress, then".


    I never actually say it out loud, but it prevents me from snapping or stooping to her level. Plus it just reframes my approach to it as her just being a bit silly and not having an effect on me. 
    I actually said that shit out loud to my mother when she started getting huffy with me that I wasn't taking her unsolicited opinions or advice.

    To which she would then retort, "Well you asked my opinion. . . "

    To which I'd cut her off and say, "Actually, no, I did not.  If I had wanted your opinion, I would have asked.  But I didn't."

    We went a few rounds like this on various things and then it stopped.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    [Deleted User]
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