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Etiquette

Buying a Gift for someone who is Eloping

Hi,

I have an uncommon situation that I'd like to get some input on.  An old family friend of mine is getting married this fall, but it is going to be very small -- immediate family only.  They did create a registry, of comparable size and contents to our registry (my fiance and I are also getting married this fall, and have a pretty big guest list).  My friend's parents are having a "engagement party/wedding celebration" for everyone who would have otherwise been invited to the wedding, but is not.  We are both attending, but are unsure of how much to spend on a gift?  In general we've been spending about $40 on bridal shower gifts and $200 for a wedding gift, but those have been for weddings we've attended.  Do I spend $200 on this couple even though I'm not invited to the wedding?  Or $40 because it's more like a wedding shower?  Or somewhere in the middle?

I'm leaning towards somewhere in the middle, but wasn't sure if anyone had a good solution for something like this.

Thanks!

Re: Buying a Gift for someone who is Eloping

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    graym10 said:

    Hi,


    I have an uncommon situation that I'd like to get some input on.  An old family friend of mine is getting married this fall, but it is going to be very small -- immediate family only.  They did create a registry, of comparable size and contents to our registry (my fiance and I are also getting married this fall, and have a pretty big guest list).  My friend's parents are having a "engagement party/wedding celebration" for everyone who would have otherwise been invited to the wedding, but is not.  We are both attending, but are unsure of how much to spend on a gift?  In general we've been spending about $40 on bridal shower gifts and $200 for a wedding gift, but those have been for weddings we've attended.  Do I spend $200 on this couple even though I'm not invited to the wedding?  Or $40 because it's more like a wedding shower?  Or somewhere in the middle?

    I'm leaning towards somewhere in the middle, but wasn't sure if anyone had a good solution for something like this.

    Thanks!
    Personally, I'd be a little salty that the couple is having a very small wedding but a huge registry and clearly is expecting gifts at this half-assed consolation prize celebration, so I'd go the "shower equivalent" route, if anything.

    But I'm kind of a dick.  
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    [Deleted User]
  •       It's bad etiquette to invite someone to pre-wedding parties if they aren't invited to the wedding. I'm assuming it's pre-wedding and not a post wedding AHR 'celebrate the marriage' you are talking about. Either way you only need to get a gift if you want to. Some will tell you not to , in order to not encourage the etiquette blunder. 

         That said, I have had a couple friends and a couple cousins have immediate family only weddings I wasn't invited to. Only one had a 'Celebrate the Marriage' party after, the other's didn't have any other parties. Since I was close I sent a gift anyway, because I like shopping and giving gifts :)  We also had a small 16 people wedding and got a few gifts from people not invited who we are close to. We had a tiny registry we didn't advertise, mostly for the completion discount. 

        I choose the gift amount based on what I can afford at the time, what I find , and how close I am to the couple. Whether they invite me to their wedding or their party doesn't really come into play in regards to the dollar amount for me.

       
    SP29[Deleted User]
  • I was in a similar situation with my sister who had a private ceremony and then an "AHR" for us peons not goog enough to be invited to the ceremony (basically just the groom's brother and sister, not us.....) They also had a pretty good sized registry and a re

    ANYWAY, while I wanted to get her nothing or a big ole metal chicken, I knew in my heart of hearts she's still my sister, no matter what a jerk this wedding made her into. But, I refused to give cash. I ended up giving them a month long subscription to Blue Apron, which was $250, which would be what I would have spent had they hosted us properly. 

    However, if it was anyone besides a sibling, I'd give nothing and probably not go.  
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Your friends wedding sounds like a clusterfuck.

    I would give something small and definitely not at the level I would normally give.

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    JBee85[Deleted User]
  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited May 2015
    This isn't their wedding, so if it weren't for the fact that I feel weird showing up to parties empty-handed (ie bottle of wine), I'd give nothing. In this case maybe a congratulatory card and something small, like in the $20 range.

    Formerly martha1818

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    CMGragain[Deleted User]
  • What is it - an engagement party or a celebration of marriage?  It can't be both - one is before, one is after.

    Either way though, doesn't matter.  Neither are gift giving occasions.  Them having a large registry does not turn either of those things into a gift giving occasion.

    Personally, I would get them a nice congratulations card.  If you really felt obligated to not show up empty handed from a gift perspective, then tack on something similar to what you would give for a housewarming party - a picture frame, nice bottle of wine, a vase, a serving platter, some nice scented candles, etc.  I would potentially even suggest a gift card for a local restaurant or movie theater for a date night.  I probably aim for $20-40 max.
    [Deleted User]
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Gifts should never be expected, but at the same time from the perspective of the giver, they are not tit for tat or dependent upon how lavishly you are hosted.

    Give what you are comfortable, based on your relationship with the couple.

    However, if you are a bit miffed you are being cued to give a gift for a wedding you're not invited to, you can always give something smaller.

    Myself- you say this is an old friend and you're being invited to an engagement type party- I'd go with a smaller gift off the registry. Some mixing bowls or other kitchen gadget shouldn't be too pricey. 
    kkitkat79
  • kvrunskvruns member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'd go with small similar to shower since you're not invited to the wedding. Sounds like they mostly just want presents if they have a big registry and tiny wedding
    [Deleted User]
  • kaitlynmichellekaitlynmichelle British Columbia member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    They shouldn't be having pre wedding parties if they are having such a small wedding. I didn't have an engagement party or shower since we had 12 guests. It would have been rude and gift grabby.

    We did have family and friends give us gifts anyway, which varied in size. It was not expected and we were very grateful. If you want to give a gift, give whatever you feel is appropriate (if I wasn't invited to the wedding, I would give something smaller), but don't feel that you have to give anything at all. When someone wants a smaller wedding, certain things have to adjust such as showers or other parties.
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    [Deleted User]
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    It's really rude of them to invite you to an engagement party if you aren't invited to the wedding, regardless of how many guests they are having at the wedding.

    E-parties are not normally gift giving parties, especially not registry gifts. If you want to bring something, a hostess gift along the lines of a bottle of wine is plenty. 
    [Deleted User]
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