Money Vent (nwr)

JennyColada · May 2015

For a long time my mom use to deposit money on my behalf into this other account that we have that's managed by our family's financial planner. His office is in Florida, so we used to refer to it as "the Florida account". Most of the time birthday money and dividends would go there, and as I got older and paid my mom "rent", she would say that she'd deposit the money in "the Florida account". The account was joint-ownership with me and my mother (UTMA).

Once I got married, DH wanted me to have more control over my/our money, instead of my mom (which makes sense). So I asked my mom to close the account and do with the money what she needs to do. I wasn't even sure if the money was technically mine or hers, but she said that it's mine. Yippee. It's not a lot, like $900, and it would just go straight into my short-term savings anyhow, so I don't "need" the money, but it would be nice to have.

Today at brunch with my parents I asked her about this money (because it was a couple of months ago) and I haven't received a check or anything. She told me that she has the cash. Great! So I asked if she'd be giving it to me and she started rambling on about how my dad isn't working and how just she has a job and how she's "holding it" for me. I'm like "ma, I don't need you to hold my money. If it's my money then I'll take it. If it's your money then keep it and do whatever. But if it's my money then it's my money." She kind of wasn't giving me a straight answer and I generally just got frustrated and confused by the conversation. In private, I asked DH to give his opinion, and his take on it is that my mom is struggling for money but doesn't want to feel like she's taking money from her daughter. I told him that I don't care if she keeps the money or not, I just want to know what's going on with it. He told me to just in my head understand that my mom is taking and keeping the money, regardless of what she says.

So I guess I'm just going to drop the subject unless my mom suddenly gives me the cash (unlikely). I'm kind of just frustrated because she does this shit all the time where she's trying to "help me" but really she just is trying to give herself a position of authority even though she doesn't have the faintest clue how to do anything financial.

I'm not sure how to end this so...Rant over.

tl;dr: My mom is keeping money from our joint account but doesn't want to admit it. This annoys me for many reasons.

LabLove86 · May 2015

This would annoy me too. I don't have much to say - but I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I too have times where I feel like more of the 'parent' between myself and my dad. (as in - just tell me if you need to keep the money - its fine! . . . . I recently had to tell my dad to take his new relationship slow. . . . that kinda thing)

Its weird how life works sometimes.

JennyColada · May 2015

I was kind of confused about who's money it was since it's been SO long, and through the years she's clearly spent money on me and given me money for movies/allowance, etc. So I'm not sure how she was taking out/putting money in. So I'm not sure where the money that was in the account came from.

I do understand that my parents are strapped for cash (I give my mom money every month anyhow to help with their rent and food) and I don't want to make it a burden on them. The money probably isn't worth the family drama to demand it from her, but I kinda just want her to be honest with what she's planning on doing with it.

Blergbot · May 2015

I would just assume the money is hers now. If, one day, she decides she's in a position to give it to you, then let her hand it over. But otherwise consider it gone.

LabLove86 · May 2015

JennyColada said:I was kind of confused about who's money it was since it's been SO long, and through the years she's clearly spent money on me and given me money for movies/allowance, etc. So I'm not sure how she was taking out/putting money in. So I'm not sure where the money that was in the account came from.
I do understand that my parents are strapped for cash (I give my mom money every month anyhow to help with their rent and food) and I don't want to make it a burden on them. The money probably isn't worth the family drama to demand it from her, but I kinda just want her to be honest with what she's planning on doing with it.

This is exactly how I would feel in the situation. I would want to understand how she viewed the money - does she think its hers or yours?

And I will be honest - I would feel entitled to some or all of it . . . BUT - if you need it more than me, just be honest about it and its yours.

I 100% get where you're coming from. You're completely justified in your feelings about the subject.

huskypuppy14 · May 2015

Whose name is primary on the account, and was this account set up when you were a minor? So your birthday money went in there (from when you were a kid, or an adult?). You paid your mom rent, and she put it in the account that you had access to? That doesn't make any sense to me. Was she doing this thing where you paid her rent for responsibility sake, and then she was going to give you the money?

I still have a savings account that my mother is also on, but I'm the primary account holder. She is the secondary account holder. This account is linked to both our checking accounts, which worked well when she would deposit money for the wedding. However, the money in this account is 100% mine.

Did you ever have access to this account? If you thought the money was yours, why didn't you take it out. It seems that the money could be either of yours, so I'd probably let it go. I understand the frustration, but it's probably not worth it to have mama drama over 900.00.

huskypuppy14 · May 2015

I just looked up what UTMA means. Looks like the money is legally yours.

Ownership

Assets you put into custodial accounts are irrevocable gifts. That means you’re not allowed to change your mind and take your property back. Your child becomes owner of these assets as soon as you make the transfer.

Consequently, if there are assets remaining in the account when control passes to the child at the age specified in the state law, you must transfer them to your child, who can then use them in any way he or she chooses.

Most states set 21 as the age custodial accounts end. However, some states set age 18. Other states set an age between 18 and 21, or between 18 and 25, which you’re allowed to specify when you open the account.

JennyColada · May 2015

huskypuppy14, yea, the account is legally mine, but legalities usually don't mean much in family issues! Plus the legality isn't really up for question (and I'm certainly not going to sue or anything over $900).

I mean, I never really considered the money "mine" anyway, since it was in some account far off somewhere and I never spoke to the financial planner and all statements went to my mom's address so I never even saw them.

kvruns · May 2015

The whole paying rent yet it being put into an account that is "yours" seems odd, not to mention if it only has $900 in it money has obviously been spent for a long time. So more of a joint account really if money u paid her also went there. It sucks she isn't being honest but I'd chalk it up to an expensive lesson in financial management. The fact that you are subsidizing her now makes me think she's been spending from it for a while due to money issues.

KatWAG · May 2015

How much rent were you paying her? How long has she been claiming to put the rent you paid her into this account? And how is this only adding up to $900?

Do you have any other financial endeavors with your mom?

JennyColada · May 2015

KatWAG said:
How much rent were you paying her? How long has she been claiming to put the rent you paid her into this account? And how is this only adding up to $900?

Do you have any other financial endeavors with your mom?

The amount that I gave her varied. I always figured the money I gave her she'd use towards bills despite her claiming she was "saving it for [me]." There were some months I was giving her $1000, some $500, and recently I just give her $100. I think she just called it "rent" because it made her feel less like she had to ask her adult daughter for money to live.

I mean, this account was set up when I was a baby, and I've had my own personal accounts for as long as I've been an adult, so I've never personally put money into that account and never had a reason to look into what my mom was doing with checks that I sent to her (in her name).

wandajune6 · May 2015

It's a lousy situation that your mom handled badly.

You don't need the money right now. That means you're in a better place than your parents at this point in time. Since you can let it go, do just that. Your parents will know what you're doing and it will give them a loan with a bit more dignity.

If you find them in a better place financially later, you can bring it up then. Otherwise, just be proud of yourself for being in a good place.

julieanne912 · May 2015

I agree that just letting it go for now is probably the best option. I don't think any parent ever wants to be in the position of having to ask their children for help, so she'll never admit that she could use it.

anjemon · May 2015

That sucks. I totally understand where you're coming from, sometimes you just need people to tell you straight so you know there's no issues. It sucks that she wouldn't just say what she means.

From what you've said so far, it sounds like your mom would say she was "saving" money to make herself feel better about taking money from you. And then she would spend what she needed to from the account. And she can't afford to let that money go. It's too bad that she can't be straight with you about it, but you're right that isn't probably not worth the drama.

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