Wedding Etiquette Forum

Guest wants to bring someone other than spouse

I'm not sure how to deal with a request from a guest who is a coworker of FH.  Also, important to add, the wedding is six months away and invitations have not yet gone out.

When putting the guest list together, FH stressed that he really wanted a few coworker friends present at our wedding.  I am not close with these people at all, but have met them on more than one occasion, and I am completely on board with inviting them.  Two of them I quite like, one I don't really feel much about either way, and one I don't particularly like (but can tolerate).  All four of these coworkers are going to be invited with their spouses, and received Save the Dates a few months ago.

FH informed me yesterday that one of the invited coworkers (the one I do not particularly like) requested that she bring, instead of her husband, a different coworker whom I have never met (actually, she didn't ask.  She told him "I am thinking about bringing Jane as my date to your wedding!")  FH doesn't see anything wrong with it because "the plate is paid for whether she brings her husband or someone completely different", but he told her he would check with me.  I told him I am not comfortable with it, our wedding invitations are not concert tickets to give away, I'd like to limit the people I have never met before, and I am not going to invite a married woman with "and guest" on her invitation.  This is a person he decided already was not close enough to him to invite.  After discussing it, FH more or less agreed with me.

I'm not sure how to deal with this.  If FH tells her "Elle won't let me/said no/isn't okay with it", I feel like it makes me look bad/controlling/bitchy/whatever.  I am hoping she doesn't ask again, and when she gets the invitation addressed to her and her husband she will get the hint, but I'm afraid that is expecting too much.  If she brings it up again, do I just allow it?  Its not like we don't have the space or the budget or anything, we are perfectly capable of accomodating this person... I just... don't wanna.  

Re: Guest wants to bring someone other than spouse

  • In some situations I'd say stand your ground.   But when you open the door to invite coworkers you're not just dealing with your social event and etiquette.   You're dealing with the work environment and the decisions you make can have a direct effect on your climate there.

    So if this was a college friend pulling it then sure - stand your ground.   But if this coworker can make life difficult for him on the job I just wouldn't do it.   It isn't about accomodating kids or extras.   She was invited with her spouse and she wants to go with someone else.   I'd bite my tongue and would just deal with it - for the sake of your FI having a good day at the office if nothing less. 
  • ellemillz said:

    I'm not sure how to deal with a request from a guest who is a coworker of FH.  Also, important to add, the wedding is six months away and invitations have not yet gone out.


    When putting the guest list together, FH stressed that he really wanted a few coworker friends present at our wedding.  I am not close with these people at all, but have met them on more than one occasion, and I am completely on board with inviting them.  Two of them I quite like, one I don't really feel much about either way, and one I don't particularly like (but can tolerate).  All four of these coworkers are going to be invited with their spouses, and received Save the Dates a few months ago.

    FH informed me yesterday that one of the invited coworkers (the one I do not particularly like) requested that she bring, instead of her husband, a different coworker whom I have never met (actually, she didn't ask.  She told him "I am thinking about bringing Jane as my date to your wedding!")  FH doesn't see anything wrong with it because "the plate is paid for whether she brings her husband or someone completely different", but he told her he would check with me.  I told him I am not comfortable with it, our wedding invitations are not concert tickets to give away, I'd like to limit the people I have never met before, and I am not going to invite a married woman with "and guest" on her invitation.  This is a person he decided already was not close enough to him to invite.  After discussing it, FH more or less agreed with me.

    I'm not sure how to deal with this.  If FH tells her "Elle won't let me/said no/isn't okay with it", I feel like it makes me look bad/controlling/bitchy/whatever.  I am hoping she doesn't ask again, and when she gets the invitation addressed to her and her husband she will get the hint, but I'm afraid that is expecting too much.  If she brings it up again, do I just allow it?  Its not like we don't have the space or the budget or anything, we are perfectly capable of accomodating this person... I just... don't wanna.  
    Yea, I don't think your DH handled this well at all. Because it basically puts you in a position of being the bad guy if y'all decide "no". You might want to address this with him so he handles things as a "united force" going forward, but he said what he said at this point. 

    I would just tell him to stall her. The wedding is 6 months away! Just don't address it and if she brings it up be like "oh, I forgot, we're so busy with other stuff and the wedding is really far away. At this point, we don't know."

    Technically, you can tell her no and you'd still be in the right. Wedding invitations aren't transferable. But the plate is paid for and you could just let it go.
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  • I ran into this issue with one of my mom's coworkers.  She was invited with her husband, but for whatever reason RSVP'd with her child (!) instead.  The invite clearly said, "Adult reception to follow," btw.  Anyhoo, my mother explained politely that we couldn't accommodate her child, and the woman decided not to attend at all, which is fine by us.  In any case, you are not required to accept substitutions: like you said, wedding invites are not tickets to events, they are non-transferable.  It is completely up to you whether or not you want to allow "Jane" to come along.  If you think this very rude coworker has already promised Jane that she would bring her, and it would make it awkward for your husband to tell her no, then you might decide to let it go and you'll have the satisfaction of being the bigger person.
  • scribe95 said:

    I never really understand the issue some people have of needing to personally know and like every single person at a wedding. If that person wants to bring another person than her spouse and that makes her comfortable I could care less. You have two places for her and she is using two places. I mean really since it's your FI's coworker I would do whatever he said and he clearly doesn't mind,

    My thoughts as well. The husband of one of my coworkers got sick and she asked if she could bring someone else. I was already paying for the meal so at that point I didn't care. Pick your battles or you'll spend the next 6 months stressed out.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its

    I ran into this issue with one of my mom's coworkers.  She was invited with her husband, but for whatever reason RSVP'd with her child (!) instead.  The invite clearly said, "Adult reception to follow," btw.  Anyhoo, my mother explained politely that we couldn't accommodate her child, and the woman decided not to attend at all, which is fine by us.  In any case, you are not required to accept substitutions: like you said, wedding invites are not tickets to events, they are non-transferable.  It is completely up to you whether or not you want to allow "Jane" to come along.  If you think this very rude coworker has already promised Jane that she would bring her, and it would make it awkward for your husband to tell her no, then you might decide to let it go and you'll have the satisfaction of being the bigger person.

    The bolded is not appropriate, but nobody is "the bigger person" for deciding to accommodate a child after letting all the guests, not just this person, know that children are not invited.  In fact, doing so may cause other guests who complied with your adults-only policy to feel resentment that you did accommodate this person when they had to find someone to babysit their children.
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2015
    scribe95 said:

    I never really understand the issue some people have of needing to personally know and like every single person at a wedding. If that person wants to bring another person than her spouse and that makes her comfortable I could care less. You have two places for her and she is using two places. I mean really since it's your FI's coworker I would do whatever he said and he clearly doesn't mind,

    I agree with the bolded. OP- These are your FI guests, not yours. It doesn't matter if you are close with them or are "on board" with them attending. It should be your FI decision.

    However, while I couldn't care less if someone brought someone else other than their spouse to our wedding, I know others do care, and they are not wrong.

    I feel like you can't say, you must invite SO, and then say, oh it shouldn't matter if they bring someone else because you already budgeted for them. Yeah, you budgeted for them because you had to invite them. You can't have it both ways.

    Also, if you don't give plus ones to everyone and only invite people in relationships, how is that fair that Sarah's husband can't come, so she's inviting random Jane, but her co worker Sally doesn't have a SO, and she wasn't given a plus one?
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited May 2015

    scribe95 said:

    I never really understand the issue some people have of needing to personally know and like every single person at a wedding. If that person wants to bring another person than her spouse and that makes her comfortable I could care less. You have two places for her and she is using two places. I mean really since it's your FI's coworker I would do whatever he said and he clearly doesn't mind,

    I agree with the bolded. OP- These are your FI guests, not yours. It doesn't matter if you are close with them or are "on board" with them attending. It should be your FI decision.

    However, while I couldn't care less if someone brought someone else other than their spouse to our wedding, I know others do care, and they are not wrong.

    I feel like you can't say, you must invite SO, and then say, oh it shouldn't matter if they bring someone else because you already budgeted for them. Yeah, you budgeted for them because you had to invite them. You can't have it both ways.

    Also, if you don't give plus ones to everyone and only invite people in relationships, how is that fair that Sarah's husband can't come, so she's inviting random Jane, but her co worker Sally doesn't have a SO, and she wasn't given a plus one?



    I agree with the bolded.  "Budgeting" doesn't justify someone's assuming they can bring someone other than the person they are in a relationship with.  "Honoring relationships" doesn't extend to having to offer a plus one to people who want to bring someone they aren't in a social unit with just so they don't have to attend alone.

    Edited to add:  This is not to say that I am not sympathetic to people not having as good a time at a wedding without being able to attend together with someone, but it can cost whoever is hosting a lot of money and other resources that they may not want to spend on someone they don't strictly have to invite.

  • How about the single people you invite with an  "and guest".  You aren't going to know who they are bringing. If you invite 2 and 2 show it's not of any concern. You have other things to worry about.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited May 2015

    How about the single people you invite with an  "and guest".  You aren't going to know who they are bringing. If you invite 2 and 2 show it's not of any concern. You have other things to worry about.

    Actually, it might matter.  If you have a restraining order out against someone, or could otherwise get in trouble if that person attends your wedding (there are other scenarios where that could happen) then you don't want that person to show up, even as an "and guest."  Yes, that's extreme, but if there's someone you really don't want there and didn't invite for that reason, then you don't want your invited guests bringing them as "plus ones."  That could be something to worry about.
  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Technically, the invitation address to Jane and John is not transferable. Jane cannot substitute another guest for John, if he can't come, she comes alone.

    However, if she asks if she can bring someone else, it's up to you to decide what you want to do. 

    I see both sides- it's 2 plates either way. But at the same time, considering this is someone you aren't keen on to begin with, if you have met your minimum, you would probably prefer to save that one plate of food's worth of money. 
  • As a general rule, I'd say that invitations are not transferable; I would expect that if a someone's spouse was unavailable on the wedding date, the guest would either attend the wedding alone or not come. Having said that, I think there are some circumstances where it's worth being flexible. You may not like this guest, but she is someone your FI has to deal with at work every day, and you don't want to create unnecessary trouble for him at the office. Sure, it's a little strange that she's thinking already of bringing someone else, but if push comes to shove, I don't think this is a hill worth dying on.
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  • kvrunskvruns member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Would you feel differently if it was a coworker you liked who was planning to bring someone else?

    I'm on the side of those who don't care if someone "substitutes" their spouse. Besides invites haven't even gone out, coworker could forget all about her idea and bring spouse as intended
  • he needs to say sorry but the invite was for you and your husband we understand if  he cant make it and look forward to having you at the wedding 
  • I don't understand caring who the person brings. Unless you have a history of trouble with the person he or she brings, what difference does it make? 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Curiosity begs me to ask - have you actually met the spouse before?  Are you friends with him, too?  Are you friends with the spouses of all the coworkers you are inviting? 

    If you are, then that's great.  But if you aren't or if you haven't met, then I'm not sure the argument about limiting people you haven't met carries much weight. 

    I, too, am in the camp of you budgeted for this person as a unit of two, what does it matter if that person decides a different person is who she would rather spend that time with at this event?  Maybe her husband doesn't like weddings or dressing up or has social anxiety or hanging out with a bunch of people he doesn't know - so if she'll have more fun with a friend, then have at it.  It's not like you're spending an intimate evening with just the four of you - you'll be partying and pulled in a bunch of different directions to spend a little bit of time with everyone there.

    That said, technically yes, invites are not transferable and you're not wrong to pull the "I'm sorry, but the invite was specifically for you and *insert name here*" card if it's something you feel that strongly about.  Though, I probably wouldn't get that hard-nosed about it now.  She just said "I'm thinking..." and invites haven't even gone out yet - that's a lot of time for circumstances to change.  I'd just bean dip for now and if at the point invites have gone out she brings it up again and you still feel just as strongly then politely tell her no.
  • Thanks for the insight, all.  I think mostly my issue is that I don't particularly like this person.  Her husband is perfectly capable of attending, she would just rather bring somebody else.  I will invite coworker + husband in a few months when invitations go out and just accept whatever happens.  Coworker and husband, or coworker and other coworker, they will take up little of my time and energy come wedding day either way!
  • Jen4948 said:

    How about the single people you invite with an  "and guest".  You aren't going to know who they are bringing. If you invite 2 and 2 show it's not of any concern. You have other things to worry about.

    Actually, it might matter.  If you have a restraining order out against someone, or could otherwise get in trouble if that person attends your wedding (there are other scenarios where that could happen) then you don't want that person to show up, even as an "and guest."  Yes, that's extreme, but if there's someone you really don't want there and didn't invite for that reason, then you don't want your invited guests bringing them as "plus ones."  That could be something to worry about.
    Make sure you take a few days to find out who all the plus one's are in case any of your guests have restraining orders on them.
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