Awkward family situation

Knottie25481578 · May 2015

My FI and I recently made the decision to change our venue from a barn that we could host 125 people to my mother's backyard, where we'll have a small wedding with only family and a few friends in attendance.

However, my dad is making things difficult. He and I are not very close, and his girlfriend/babymama is a complete jerk. He's basically told me that not inviting more of his side of the family will make things awkward for them since the wedding won't be in "neutral" territory.

I'm very close with my mother's side of the family, and I've invited her two brothers (my uncles plus their wives/kids) and my grandparents. One of my uncles is officiating. This brings my mom's side total to 13, plus my step-dad's side of 4, so 17 total.

Basically, I'm wondering if I should move the wedding to neutral territory or invite more of my dad's family? On one hand, I want to make everyone comfortable, but on the other, he hasn't contributed anything to the wedding (my mom and step-dad have paid for and hosted everything).

afox007 · May 2015

Invite who you are close to and have it where you want. If you have people on your dad's side you can fit and YOU want there go for it, but the guest list doesn't need to be even especially if he isn't contributing.

Your dad needs to be an adult for ONE day. I had a similar issue with my bio dad, we are trying to keep the wedding to 100 (so not even small) and he gave me a list of over 20 people I had to invite. They were all family, but not close enough for me to justify cutting friends for.

The guest list is the one area where I will say it is YOUR day and should be able to do what you want.

CMGragain · May 2015

You have planned your lovely wedding. You may invite whoever you wish. Your Dad has absolutely no say in this, except that you must invite his S/O.
If Dad decides not to attend, that is his decision. He has no right to tell you who to invite to your wedding.

esstee33 · May 2015

***Removed for TOS violation***

AddieCake · May 2015

If you are not close with your dad's family, you shouldn't invite them.

jacques27 · May 2015

Depending on my mood, I'd be tempted to just deadpan some variation of "I'm only inviting family I'm close to and you" and then stare long and hard until that finally sinks in. But then again, I have very low tolerance for absentee family members who then think they get a say or can participate when they feel like it or it benefits them.

As a host, making guests comfortable means making sure they have a place to sit, a comfortable environment (not too wet, cold, hot, windy, etc.), and enough food and drink. It does not mean tailoring your guest list because some guests might not be comfortable with the other guests. You invite who you want to because they are important to you. It is the responsibility of each individual guest to then decide for themselves whether the event (and their relationship to you to an extent) is important enough and whether they are mature enough to attend and act appropriately in the social setting. If he can't do that, then that is disappointing, but clearly what he has decided is best for himself.

huskypuppy14 · May 2015

He is a guest not a host. Guests do not get a say in the guest list.

JCbride2015 · May 2015

Stand your ground 100%. Don't let him pressure you. If he pitches a shit fit about it say, "Well, I certainly hope you can still make it." And don't engage in the conversation further than that.

levioosa · May 2015

Stand your ground, OP. Think of this from a logical point of view-- you are close to your mother's family. You are not close to him. He is not contributing. He is being an ass. Why would you let him dictate this? He can suck it up and act like an adult, or he can chose not to attend.

blabla89 · May 2015

levioosa said:
Stand your ground, OP. Think of this from a logical point of view-- you are close to your mother's family. You are not close to him. He is not contributing. He is being an ass. Why would you let him dictate this? He can suck it up and act like an adult, or he can chose not to attend.

So much this. And if he bitches about it, tell him you're very sorry to hear that and you'll miss him at the wedding.

Knottie25481578 · May 2015

Thank you all so much for your feedback! I really appreciate it.

He hasn't spoken to me in a week (he likes to guilt-trip me, as you might have noticed), but if he brings up the issue again, I'll inform him that we don't have the space to accommodate more people, but that he, his girlfriend, and my paternal grandmother (I'll allow her, not random aunts/uncles/cousins) are welcome to come.

Honestly it'd be the best day ever if they just threw a fit and didn't come, but not inviting them would turn into a dumb political thing that I just don't have the composure to work through.

Oh, the joy of family, am I right? lol

Jen4948 · May 2015

Knottie25481578 said:
Thank you all so much for your feedback! I really appreciate it.
He hasn't spoken to me in a week (he likes to guilt-trip me, as you might have noticed), but if he brings up the issue again, I'll inform him that we don't have the space to accommodate more people, but that he, his girlfriend, and my paternal grandmother (I'll allow her, not random aunts/uncles/cousins) are welcome to come.
Honestly it'd be the best day ever if they just threw a fit and didn't come, but not inviting them would turn into a dumb political thing that I just don't have the composure to work through.
Oh, the joy of family, am I right? lol

From what you've posted about your dad and his GF, it might very well happen no matter what you decide.

Knottie25481578 · May 2015

Jen, that's a distinct possibility.

I was engaged for two months before he even asked me about the wedding (and I told him the night my FI asked). It wasn't until I told him that the wedding would be at my mother's house that he offered to help pay for a "better" venue (my mom and stepdad had already graciously paid for my dress, and enough to cover the photographer and caterer). He insisted the wedding be held somewhere that wasn't 'trashy' and that if he gave me the money for a different venue, that I would need to invite more of his family.

After telling him, no, the wedding will be at mom's, he said that he knew some people, i.e. his girlfriend, would be in a bad mood due to the close quarters with my mom, which would then put others in a bad mood.

Needless to say, I told politely but firmly told him that anyone who knew they would act poorly was not welcome at my wedding and they can quietly GTFO.

Awkward family situation

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