Wedding Etiquette Forum

Flowers for deceased

My father's girlfriend recently died of cancer and my fiance's aunt and uncle (who were basically his grandparents) are also both deceased.

FMIL thought it might be a good idea to have flowers of remembrance for them and I was wondering how to go about it.

I was thinking of having the flowers behind us during the ceremony with a little blurb in the program what they represent and move them to a nice spot in the reception.

Is this the right way to go about it or is it a no-no?

Re: Flowers for deceased

  • ashncoal said:

    My father's girlfriend recently died of cancer and my fiance's aunt and uncle (who were basically his grandparents) are also both deceased.


    FMIL thought it might be a good idea to have flowers of remembrance for them and I was wondering how to go about it.

    I was thinking of having the flowers behind us during the ceremony with a little blurb in the program what they represent and move them to a nice spot in the reception.

    Is this the right way to go about it or is it a no-no?
    You don't want a wedding to become a memorial.  A wedding is happy.  Don't do anything too "in your face" or in the faces of the people who most miss the deceased.  Be careful.  Little is best.
  • edited May 2015
    We're putting a single flower on one seat in the pew where the deceased family member would have sat.   We thought it was a simple way to honor them and to remind us that they are there in spirit.  
  • I would definitely avoid putting anything in the program. The guests who know the deceased person (or people) will be made to feel very sad on what should be a happy occasion. The guests who don't know what's going on will be made to feel confused and awkward. 

    Don't turn your wedding into any kind of memorial. 

    If you want to do something personal as your own sign of remembrance (like include the girlfriend's favorite type of flower in your bouquet for just you and your dad to know about, or something small like that) then go for it. But it should be personal and special and not public, KWIM? 
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    [Deleted User]SP29kaitlynmichellecupcait927
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Weddings are not a memorial. I wouldn't have anything obvious in remembrance of them. Whatever you choose to do should be very small and subtle. IMHO, you (and maybe a few people very close to you) should be the only one who is aware of what you've chosen to do.


    [Deleted User]ohannabelleSP29Blue_Bird
  • I agree with keeping your remembrance private. I regularly visit the cemetery where my grandparents are buried and I plan to visit a couple days before our wedding and leave some flowers that will also be in my bouquet. It will be a comforting, personal moment for me, without making my parents, aunts, uncles, etc. sad the day of the wedding. 
    MairePoppymrsdee15CMGragain
  • You mean AT the wedding? No. It's not a funeral. 

    Just put a note on the back of your programs that says something like, "Our hearts are with the family and friends who could not be here celebrating with us today." It covers the deceased and those who simply can't make it.
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    [Deleted User]SP29
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    You could also make a donation to a cancer fund or your grandfather's girlfriend's favorite charity. You don't have to announce this. You will take comfort in knowing that you have done something good in memory of her. If you think your grandfather would appreciate it, give him a memorial card from the charity a week or so before the wedding. 
                       
    mrsdee15CMGragain
  • XrebeccaX said:

    My husband's mother died four years ago. We had a very small wedding and I guarantee no one there was NOT thinking of her. Not acknowledging it would have been odd, so I ordered a small arrangement in her favorite colors and set it up by the guest book. I did specifically tell the florist to please avoid anything "funeral" in appearance. We left it at that.

    Yes, that's nice.  But a sad flower on a chair in the front row is sad.
    MairePoppynovella1186southernbelle0915CMGragain
  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher Looking over your shoulder member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    XrebeccaX said:

    My husband's mother died four years ago. We had a very small wedding and I guarantee no one there was NOT thinking of her. Not acknowledging it would have been odd, so I ordered a small arrangement in her favorite colors and set it up by the guest book. I did specifically tell the florist to please avoid anything "funeral" in appearance. We left it at that.

    We did something similar. DH and I have each lost a parent, so we made small bouquets (white for my dad, pink for his mom) that we had in the room with our guest book/escort cards/card box. Didn't say what they were for and most people probably didn't even notice them since they just looked like decorative touches... but we knew, and that's what mattered.
    ~*~*~*~*~

    [Deleted User]kaitlynmichelleCMGragain
  • larrygagalarrygaga Czechoslovakia member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    FI's grandmother passed about a month ago. It seemed rude to not acknowledge her, however we didn't want to make everything sad.

    I am making a white vase of flowers to put somewhere around the venue, with a little note on it that says In memory of "FI's Grandma's name"
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  • H's step-dad died on Christmas a few years back, and both H and MIL were having a hard time because he wasn't going to be there. We had the parents come early to the ceremony and light one candle each, representing their loved ones they've lost (not in front of anyone, just for themselves) and the candles were sitting on our signing table.

    At the reception, H asked if we could have a special step-dad candle on our head table so we had one identical to the rest of them, and put it between us. It was pretty subtle but meant a lot to H and his Mom. 
  • haleyk620haleyk620 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited May 2015
    My FI and I are going to put some flowers on the altar in remembrance of our grandmothers who have passed on (we decided also that we would then give these to our mothers during the ceremony as it is both of their mothers who have passed on.) We are putting a very short blurb in the programs. I think we worded it like this 

    'In this time of celebration we also remember those who have passed on and could not be here with us today. Flowers have been placed on the altar in honor of our grandmothers: List Names.'
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    MairePoppy
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    haleyk620 said:

    My FI and I are going to put some flowers on the alter in remembrance of our grandmothers who have passed on (we decided also that we would then give these to our mothers during the ceremony as it is both of their mothers who have passed on.) We are putting a very short blurb in the programs. I think we worded it like this 

    'In this time of celebration we also remember those who have passed on and could not be here with us today. Flowers have been placed on the alter in honor of our grandmothers: List Names.'

    Sounds very pretty.  BTW, the word "altar" is properly spelled with two a's.
  • Jen4948 said:

    haleyk620 said:

    My FI and I are going to put some flowers on the alter in remembrance of our grandmothers who have passed on (we decided also that we would then give these to our mothers during the ceremony as it is both of their mothers who have passed on.) We are putting a very short blurb in the programs. I think we worded it like this 

    'In this time of celebration we also remember those who have passed on and could not be here with us today. Flowers have been placed on the alter in honor of our grandmothers: List Names.'

    Sounds very pretty.  BTW, the word "altar" is properly spelled with two a's.
    Oops! Thanks for catching that spelling error in my previous post @Jen4948
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    haleyk620 said:

    Jen4948 said:

    haleyk620 said:

    My FI and I are going to put some flowers on the alter in remembrance of our grandmothers who have passed on (we decided also that we would then give these to our mothers during the ceremony as it is both of their mothers who have passed on.) We are putting a very short blurb in the programs. I think we worded it like this 

    'In this time of celebration we also remember those who have passed on and could not be here with us today. Flowers have been placed on the alter in honor of our grandmothers: List Names.'

    Sounds very pretty.  BTW, the word "altar" is properly spelled with two a's.
    Oops! Thanks for catching that spelling error in my previous post @Jen4948
    You're welcome!  All the best!
  • That's a tricky thing to find that perfect balance between having that memorial and not creating a funereal atmosphere. I like the idea of putting the "our hearts are with those who can't be here today" blurb in the programs and having a floral display in their memory.

     

    @haleyk620 I like what you're doing. It sounds lovely.

    haleyk620
  • kaitlynmichellekaitlynmichelle British Columbia member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    My grandma passed away years ago now. But I wanted something in our ceremony for her, but my mom still has a hard time with remembering she is gone.

    I picked her favourite flower, calla lillies, and had them featured in my bouquet. When my mom saw it, she said how lovely they were and how they were her favourite. I told her that was why I picked them. It was subtle, and I know my mom was so touched by it. I said nothing to anyone else about it.
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    ohannabelleMairePoppyJen4948[Deleted User]
  • My dad died when I was a teenager and 3 of my aunts/uncles died within a year before our wedding. It was a church service so I had all deceased grandparents, my dad, and aunts/uncles listed in the intercessions. I also did a message about remembering those who can't be with us (and listed the names) on the back of the program. Other than that I did a few things for my dad. I had his wedding ring resized to fit me and wore that. I also had a bouquet charm with his photograph. Lastly I read the "toast to the groom" from mom and dad's wedding during our thank yous at the reception. We happened to find a paper copy in a trunk at moms house.
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