Awkward Wedding Drama - Help!

joeyanddanica · May 2015

I'm stuck in a slightly sticky situation and I'm not sure how to approach it. My fiance and I are getting married at the very end of July - only 72 days to go! We got engaged in the middle of December last year. At the beginning of February, one of our groomsmen got engaged as well. We were very excited for him and his fiance - especially when we found out that they are expecting this early fall!

But then things started getting awkward: while this groomsmen (let's call him "Gary") is a part of our wedding party, my fiance is not a part of Gary's wedding party. While it's awkward, we understand. It happens. But here's the sticky part: They are getting married a month or so before us, in June. My fiance just got their wedding invitation. And I'm not invited. There's no bad blood between us, so I just assumed that they were having a very small, intimate wedding and that's why I wasn't invited.

Recently we just found out, though, that they are having a big(ish) sized wedding of 165 or so guests. My fiance was going to say something about me not being invited, but then the other night he was at a dinner with a group of people. Gary and his fiance were also at the dinner. (I wasn't there; I couldn't make it.) During dinner, Gary's fiance became "visibly upset" because someone had RSVP'd to their wedding for two when only one was invited. Gary tried to calm his fiance, and mentioned that it made sense why this guest would RSVP for two; the guest has been dating his girlfriend for over three years (two years longer than Gary and his fiance have even known one another). His fiance was still upset and didn't understand how "people could be SO rude and RSVP for more than they were invited for".

So now my fiance and I don't know what to do or say... obviously my fiance thought he and Gary were closer than Gary thinks they are... and now I'm not invited to their wedding even though we were engaged before they were. To be honest, part of me is slightly angry because I am not invited to their wedding but because Gary and his fiance will be married when my fiance and I get married, we have to invite Gary's now-fiance, soon-to-be wife. UGH! What do we do? Help!

loufus · May 2015

I would have your fiancé RSVP no to the invitation.

joeyanddanica · May 2015

I feel like that will make the tension worse? "Gary" IS still one of our groomsmen.

mrsconn23 · May 2015

Gary and his fiance are rude. Your FI should RSVP no. If Gary asks, he should be honest and say he is/was uncomfortable replying yes since you weren't invited as well.

As far as your wedding, this has no bearing. You invite Gary and his wife. Since he's in the wedding there's not much you can do and playing tit for tat just makes you petty, like them.

If your FI wants to go to Gary's wedding, then you have a FI problem.

hmonkey · May 2015

it will make it worse if your fiance rsvps "no" and adds "you suck" to the note.

just let him decide if he wants to go or not. either way, you are not going.

btw, were you not planning on inviting gary's girlfriend/wife to the wedding? or were you planning on not inviting her because she did not invite you to her wedding.

artbyallie · May 2015

joeyanddanica said:I'm stuck in a slightly sticky situation and I'm not sure how to approach it. My fiance and I are getting married at the very end of July - only 72 days to go! We got engaged in the middle of December last year. At the beginning of February, one of our groomsmen got engaged as well. We were very excited for him and his fiance - especially when we found out that they are expecting this early fall!
But then things started getting awkward: while this groomsmen (let's call him "Gary") is a part of our wedding party, my fiance is not a part of Gary's wedding party. While it's awkward, we understand. It happens. But here's the sticky part: They are getting married a month or so before us, in June. My fiance just got their wedding invitation. And I'm not invited. There's no bad blood between us, so I just assumed that they were having a very small, intimate wedding and that's why I wasn't invited.
Recently we just found out, though, that they are having a big(ish) sized wedding of 165 or so guests. My fiance was going to say something about me not being invited, but then the other night he was at a dinner with a group of people. Gary and his fiance were also at the dinner. (I wasn't there; I couldn't make it.) During dinner, Gary's fiance became "visibly upset" because someone had RSVP'd to their wedding for two when only one was invited. Gary tried to calm his fiance, and mentioned that it made sense why this guest would RSVP for two; the guest has been dating his girlfriend for over three years (two years longer than Gary and his fiance have even known one another). His fiance was still upset and didn't understand how "people could be SO rude and RSVP for more than they were invited for".
So now my fiance and I don't know what to do or say... obviously my fiance thought he and Gary were closer than Gary thinks they are... and now I'm not invited to their wedding even though we were engaged before they were. To be honest, part of me is slightly angry because I am not invited to their wedding but because Gary and his fiance will be married when my fiance and I get married, we have to invite Gary's now-fiance, soon-to-be wife. UGH! What do we do? Help!
(broken box)

To the bolded, no, you have to invite Gary's SO because she's Gary's SO, regardless of whether they are/will be engaged, married, or 'just' dating. I hope you are inviting all couples together no matter if they are engaged or otherwise.

Gary and his FI should do the same. Because they have not, I agree with PPs that your FI should not attend their wedding.

joeyanddanica · May 2015

To answer the last two replies: My fiance and I planned on inviting EVERYONE'S SO, even Gary's before this whole thing started. We aren't petty like that. My last comment about having to invite his future wife was more of a "We were going to invite her anyway, but even if I didn't want to, we have to" kind of thing. I should include that Gary and his fiance were only dating for 3 or 4 months when they got pregnant. So at the time, before they were engaged and pregnant, we weren't sure if they were a serious couple or not and were going back and forth on if she should be invited or not. But we decided she should be because 4 months is pretty serious... it's not just casual dating at that point. So they were both invited to our wedding before they were even engaged.

VarunaTT · May 2015

joeyanddanica said:
To answer the last two replies: My fiance and I planned on inviting EVERYONE'S SO, even Gary's before this whole thing started. We aren't petty like that. My last comment about having to invite his future wife was more of a "We were going to invite her anyway, but even if I didn't want to, we have to" kind of thing. I should include that Gary and his fiance were only dating for 6 months when they got pregnant. So at the time, before they were engaged and pregnant, we weren't sure if they were a serious couple or not and were going back and forth on if she should be invited or not. But we decided she should be because 6 months is pretty serious... it's not just casual dating at that point. So they were both invited to our wedding before they were even engaged.

None of this matters one whit.

joeyanddanica · May 2015

VarunaTT: what do you mean "none of this matters one whit"? What doesn't matter to what?

Thanks!

justsie · May 2015

joeyanddanica said:
To answer the last two replies: My fiance and I planned on inviting EVERYONE'S SO, even Gary's before this whole thing started. We aren't petty like that. My last comment about having to invite his future wife was more of a "We were going to invite her anyway, but even if I didn't want to, we have to" kind of thing. I should include that Gary and his fiance were only dating for 3 or 4 months when they got pregnant. So at the time, before they were engaged and pregnant, we weren't sure if they were a serious couple or not and were going back and forth on if she should be invited or not. But we decided she should be because 4 months is pretty serious... it's not just casual dating at that point. So they were both invited to our wedding before they were even engaged.

None of the bolded matters. If they are dating, they are SOs and get an invitation. It is not up to you to judge how serious another persons relationship is.

VarunaTT · May 2015

joeyanddanica · May 2015

Ok, that makes sense. I understand that I shouldn't judge how serious another person's relationship is! I'm sorry if that hit any nerves!

hmonkey · May 2015

well, i wouldn't say this to gary or his fiance. it might hit their nerves.

downtondiva · May 2015

Even if you are having a "very small, intimate wedding," you are supposed to invite the SO's of your guests. The size of the wedding does not dictate that. Gary and his FI were very, very wrong not to invite you. I can tell you that if I was invited to a wedding and my FI was not, I would decline the invitation without a second thought. I think your FI should do the same.

joeyanddanica · May 2015

Thank you all for your thoughts. I appreciate it.

mikenberger · May 2015

Your FI needs to stand up for you and RSVP no. This is truly a no brainer. I don't know why you're discussing this.

hmonkey · May 2015

mikenberger said:
Your FI needs to stand up for you and RSVP no. This is truly a no brainer. I don't know why you're discussing this.

because her fiance is allowed to have an opinion too.

lembaslover · May 2015

If it were me I would have my fiance RSVP no and add a note saying "I'm not attending a wedding without my fiance that is very rude." or something to that effect. Who knows maybe you'll get an apology and an invitation to both of you and can all let this go later. Or at the very least you're giving them a reason and maybe it will clue them into the fact that what they did was horribly rude and why other people may be declining or RSVPing for people not invited.

hmonkey · May 2015

engagedhamstermom said:
If it were me I would have my fiance RSVP no and add a note saying "I'm not attending a wedding without my fiance that is very rude." or something to that effect. Who knows maybe you'll get an apology and an invitation to both of you and can all let this go later. Or at the very least you're giving them a reason and maybe it will clue them into the fact that what they did was horribly rude and why other people may be declining or RSVPing for people not invited.

omg.

MesmrEwe · May 2015

O.k - because it needs to be said: Who here would want to sit back and watch this one play its way out on the etiquette boards or even here if the bride who didn't invite couples and only individuals posted how she should respond to the person who RSVP'd for two when only one was invited?!?!?

Heffalump · May 2015

mikenberger said:
Your FI needs to stand up for you and RSVP no. This is truly a no brainer. I don't know why you're discussing this.

I'm going to side with this. No, I wouldn't write a note on the RSVP, but if someone invited me to a wedding and not DH, I would think that it was rude and I wouldn't attend.

flantastic · May 2015

Heffalump said:

show previous quotes
mikenberger said:
Your FI needs to stand up for you and RSVP no. This is truly a no brainer. I don't know why you're discussing this.
I'm going to side with this. No, I wouldn't write a note on the RSVP, but if someone invited me to a wedding and not DH, I would think that it was rude and I wouldn't attend.

Yep. You don't need to fight rude with rude, so a note would be out of line, but declining a wedding is not rude and would be appropriate support of the OP. If they ask about the decline later, it would be fine for him to say, "I found it rude that OP wasn't invited too, so I thought it was best."

mikenberger · May 2015

hmonkey said:

show previous quotes
mikenberger said:
Your FI needs to stand up for you and RSVP no. This is truly a no brainer. I don't know why you're discussing this.
because her fiance is allowed to have an opinion too.

Of course he's allowed to have an opinion. But I don't understand why the OP and her FI would be considering the feelings/potential awkwardness of her FI not attending the wedding when the couple in question is so blatantly not thinking of poor choice not to invite a guests' FI.

So why is this even a consideration? Decline the invite. They ask why? "I didn't feel comfortable attending your wedding as my fiance was not invited to attend." Done and done.

hmonkey · May 2015

the invitation is not for her to decline. the invitation was extended to her fiance. he can decide whether to decline or accept.

if he declines and it irreparably damages the friendship between him and gary, then that might not be something that her fiance wants to do. if he accepts and it irreparably damages the relationship with op, then he he might have bigger fish to fry.

or if he accept or declines and no one thinks its a bfd, then yay for everyone for not putting all this made-up meaning on who is going where with or without whom.

flantastic · May 2015

hmonkey said:
the invitation is not for her to decline. the invitation was extended to her fiance. he can decide whether to decline or accept.

if he declines and it irreparably damages the friendship between him and gary, then that might not be something that her fiance wants to do. if he accepts and it irreparably damages the relationship with op, then he he might have bigger fish to fry.

or if he accept or declines and no one thinks its a bfd, then yay for everyone for not putting all this made-up meaning on who is going where with or without whom.

Gary did that shit when he didn't respect their relationship.

I realize you're saying that just because people are at fault with something doesn't mean they're going to see it that way, and so Gary might be a bitch about the OP's FI declining. However, I don't see why the shitty person is the one whose feelings should be considered most, and not the OP's. Doesn't seem like a friendship worth keeping. The FI also doesn't sound like a guy whose priorities are in line if keeping the peace with the rude people is what he'd make most important.

ETA I also realize you're saying that the OP is not going to be the one declining the invite, so phrasing it that way is unhelpful. She herself can't do anything about it. But she can also know that if her FI takes a "whatever, BFD" attitude to this, that's really not the most respectful to her.

hmonkey · May 2015

sure, that attitude is not respectful. it's also not respectful to tell your fi what to do and how to feel about things.

it is a discussion they can have together and see how fi feels about this before op goes off and tell him what he should do.

MesmrEwe · May 2015

hmonkey said:
the invitation is not for her to decline. the invitation was extended to her fiance. he can decide whether to decline or accept.

or if he accept or declines and no one thinks its a bfd, then yay for everyone for not putting all this made-up meaning on who is going where with or without whom.

This! Real life vs. TK... Never ascribe meaning where none exists, step back and laugh at how lacking that bride is of basic etiquette and roll with it, so your FI goes himself, I'm guessing you have other things to do. I've encountered far bigger etiquette faux paus than this (like sending out STD's and Invites only to get called less than a week before the wedding to be un-invited because the bride/groom were idiots and booked a hall for 150, sent out invites to 450, and 300 responded "yes".. That's a bigger mess-up than not inviting fiancé's, GF, SO's...

Knottie1431649503 · May 2015

It is rude but at the same time I understand. It sounds like they weren't exactly planning on this wedding or the child. Two very large expenses 150 can easily climb into the 200-300 if everyone brings a guest or a SO. They may be trying to make cuts there to save on money. Again I'm not saying its right and not awkward, especially with SOs that are engaged or been together for a long time. I'm just saying I get it. I wouldn't ruffle any feathers. They are probably beyond stressed/ hormonal.

TheCheeseWench · June 2015

Knottie1431649503 said:

It is rude but at the same time I understand. It sounds like they weren't exactly planning on this wedding or the child. Two very large expenses 150 can easily climb into the 200-300 if everyone brings a guest or a SO. They may be trying to make cuts there to save on money. Again I'm not saying its right and not awkward, especially with SOs that are engaged or been together for a long time. I'm just saying I get it. I wouldn't ruffle any feathers. They are probably beyond stressed/ hormonal.

I understand they are probably stressed & strapped, but I fail to see how accidentally getting knocked up by someone you haven't been dating all that long is an excuse to be rude to a friend of his. Heck, "Gary" may have been asked to be a groomsman before he met this girl. If you find yourself in such a situation, you deal with it appropriately. Either elope if it's a $$ thing, or don't invite those extra "B listers" so that your close friends can bring their SOs. It may not be ideal, but if you are old enough to get pregnant, you are old enough to be subject to the rules of etiquette.

*Barbie* · June 2015

@joeyanddanica - since someone felt the need to resurrect this post, whatever happened with this?

bizzy592 · June 2015

I'm curious as well! Also, @joeyanddanica, you might want to change your user name, or make your wedding website password protected.

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