Wedding Etiquette Forum

Thank you etiquette thoughts...

I am starting to feel a bit pissed off but I am wondering if I am over reacting.  3 months ago my husband attended our friends wedding (I was unable to attend).  He personally handed the groom a card with money in it and mentioned there was a gift in the card.  Fast forward 3 months and we still have not received a thank you.  Now, these are the type of people that may just not write a thank you.  But, it was a good amount of money (I know that really doesn't matter) and I am getting irritated around the lack of etiquette.  I'm wondering if my husband should ask him if they got our gift?  They are friends and work together so he sees him daily.  I don't know if they are just rude, or he lost it?
An I over reacting or is 3 months really not that long?

Re: Thank you etiquette thoughts...

  • You're not overreacting that they've been rude if they haven't sent a TY note yet.
  • lnixon8lnixon8 member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments Name Dropper
    Unfortunately some people still believe that weird "you have a year to write thank yous" rule. I got my shower thank yous out about a week after my shower, but that was just as much about etiquette as it was getting it over with and having one less thing to think about. 

    I'm sorry. That stinks.




  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    lnixon8 said:

    Unfortunately some people still believe that weird "you have a year to write thank yous" rule. I got my shower thank yous out about a week after my shower, but that was just as much about etiquette as it was getting it over with and having one less thing to think about. 


    I'm sorry. That stinks.


    There is no rule that "you have a year to write thank yous" and never has been. There is a tradition that you have a year after the wedding to send the couple a gift if you attended the wedding, and people seem to be confusing it with the idea that they have a year to send thank yous. But it's not true. Thank yous need to be sent ASAP. I personally would try for a month to six weeks after the wedding to get them all out.
    Blue_BirdFran1985
  • Um, do you not realize that money is not a gift? That's why, when people want money, they cleverly state "no gifts!" Or, "We don't need gifts! Just contribute to our honeyfund!" Why would someone thank you for something that's not even a gift? 

    Really, though, I would be irritated too. That's just rude. 
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I wouldn't have your H ask about the gift.  Yes, not getting a TY in a timely fashion is irritating and very rude of the couple.  Typically when I don't get a TY when I give a gift I never forget and usually judge whether or not I will give that couple a gift (and what kind of gift) in the future.

    [Deleted User]
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    This is why I always give checks. I know if the check was received (as opposed to lost or stolen) because it was cashed. Then, I can decide if they're rude for not thanking us in a timely fashion. I'm much more concerned with them getting my gift than anything else.

    In the days of thank-yous with photos from the wedding, it's not abnormal for me to get a TY 4 or 5 months later. Which is irritating. But at least I get thanked. 

    But! My friend that was married 5/16 just gave me their TY. Record time!!
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  • chloe97chloe97 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I was in a wedding. FI was supposed to give a card and write a check, but forgot. The day after the wedding, we realized the oversight and quickly went to tyeir registry and sent them a bunch of stuff off of it. This was almost a year ago and I never got a thank you. Now she is in my wedding and Im probably imagining it, but I get the idea that she thinks that I never gave her a gift. I have no idea how to bring it up without it being awkward. You would think that even if she didn't think I got her a gift that she would still send a thank you for being part of her day? I don't know, the whole things uncomfortable bc what if they sent the card and it got lost in the mail? Unfortunately, I've had that happen a lot over the past few years.
  • If they work together and he feels comfortable asking then I guess you could, personally though I would just chalk it up to them being very rude.
  • In the immortal words of Elsa from Frozen, "Let it Go."  Your husband personally handed the groom the card.  You therefore have firsthand knowledge that it was received by the couple.  Whether they lost the card or stuck the money in their savings account or spent it all on cookie dough flavored vodka is none of your concern.

    Yes, you likely should have received a thank you card by now.  But maybe they're behind on writing them for any number of reasons--family emergency, job change/moving, or as noted above they could just be waiting for personalized picture thank you cards to come in (not the greatest strategy but it happens a lot these days).  Or maybe it got lost in/stuck in the mail.  I've had quite a few thank you cards come in 4-5 months after the wedding recently.  But even if you never receive one, you can't force people to give you a thank you card.  And there's no point in holding a grudge over it.  Maybe you remember it the next time you're in a position to give them a gift, but otherwise,  let.  It.  Go.
    chloe97OliveOilsMomSTARMOON44
  • So you know for sure they got the gift because your SO physically handed them the card, but you want to ask them anyway to passive aggressively point out that they didn't send a TY note? 

    No, I wouldn't do that.

    Unfortunately, there are people who suck at TY notes. But I will say, try not to judge too harshly - we had wedding invitations that never made it to the recipient (and weren't returned to us). It can happen. So if you want to stay friends with these people, try to find a way to let it go.
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    simcal18
  • peachy13peachy13 in my cubicle, doing very important work member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Couples not sending thank yous is probably at the top of my list of etiquette blunders. No one will remember your centerpiece or what flavor cake you had but EVERYONE remembers if they don't get properly thanked.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers


    JeeGooDowster
  • I agree with @peachy13.  I'm definitely on the "let it go." side and all but you can't help but be a bit judgy.  My Husband's close friend (he was the co-best man) got married in 2012....and on the wedding day, found out he had to get up early along with the other groomsmen to help set up for the whole wedding (it was a DIY wedding). We didn't get a thank you for the gift ($check)...and at the very least should have gotten a thank you directly to my husband for helping set up.......but nothing

    We also sent the wife Mother's Day flowers (they just had a son)...no ackowledgement of receiving etc....no thank you card (which is fine) but not even a thank you text.

    Guess they're not the "thanking" type LOL
  • So you know for sure they got the gift because your SO physically handed them the card, but you want to ask them anyway to passive aggressively point out that they didn't send a TY note? 

    No, I wouldn't do that.

    Unfortunately, there are people who suck at TY notes. But I will say, try not to judge too harshly - we had wedding invitations that never made it to the recipient (and weren't returned to us). It can happen. So if you want to stay friends with these people, try to find a way to let it go.


    It's actually not about being passive aggressive.  It's actually (as I stated), "I don't know if they are just rude, or he lost it?"   He gets stupid drunk and his wedding was no exception.  Interesting that was your thought though.  If I wanted to be passive aggressive, I could do that myself, not have my husband ask.

    But I appreciate the feedback.  I think leaving it alone is what I'll do.  If they didn't get it, it's not my problem and if they did, it's still not my problem.
  • So you know for sure they got the gift because your SO physically handed them the card, but you want to ask them anyway to passive aggressively point out that they didn't send a TY note? 

    No, I wouldn't do that.

    Unfortunately, there are people who suck at TY notes. But I will say, try not to judge too harshly - we had wedding invitations that never made it to the recipient (and weren't returned to us). It can happen. So if you want to stay friends with these people, try to find a way to let it go.


    It's actually not about being passive aggressive.  It's actually (as I stated), "I don't know if they are just rude, or he lost it?"   He gets stupid drunk and his wedding was no exception.  Interesting that was your thought though.  If I wanted to be passive aggressive, I could do that myself, not have my husband ask.

    But I appreciate the feedback.  I think leaving it alone is what I'll do.  If they didn't get it, it's not my problem and if they did, it's still not my problem.

    *******************UGGGGGGH BOXES********************

    But the point is that you know they "got it."  Your husband personally handed it to them.  If they lost it, it's not your problem.  If they're behind on writing thank you notes, it's not your problem.  If they're just rude jackasses who don't write thank you notes, again--not your problem.

    You seem irrationally stuck on this idea of not receiving a thank-you card.  This is the second discussion you've started on this exact same issue.  Look--I get the importance of a prompt thank you note.  I just sent out 30+ thank you cards for gifts from my shower 9 days after it took place, despite the fact that for four and a half of those days I was traveling out of town for my Grandmother's funeral.  I would be mortified to receive a gift and not properly thank the gift giver.  And I too get annoyed when I don't receive a thank you card (although half of my annoyance stems from wondering whether the person received the gift, which you don't even have to worry about in this instance).  But there is nothing you can do about it.  You can't talk to them about this or point out their lack of a thank-you without being rude yourself.  You just have to let it go.
    Maggie0829STARMOON44
  • Recently I heard a new rule from a relative. According to this rule, you only need to give a person 1 thank you note. Even if they give you gifts at multiple wedding related events.

    So if you give a gift at the wedding shower, and you get a nice thank you note, don't expect a thank you note for the wedding gift. That thank you was somehow covered in the first note (?!?!?).

    I think this is BS and incredibly rude, but it does explain why twice recently I got lovely, thoughtful thank you notes from people for shower gifts, and then nothing for the nicer/more expensive wedding gifts that got sent a few months later. 
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    marie2785 said:
    Recently I heard a new rule from a relative. According to this rule, you only need to give a person 1 thank you note. Even if they give you gifts at multiple wedding related events.

    So if you give a gift at the wedding shower, and you get a nice thank you note, don't expect a thank you note for the wedding gift. That thank you was somehow covered in the first note (?!?!?).

    I think this is BS and incredibly rude, but it does explain why twice recently I got lovely, thoughtful thank you notes from people for shower gifts, and then nothing for the nicer/more expensive wedding gifts that got sent a few months later. 
    Yup, super rude.  This "rule" was probably created by people who are to damn lazy to write multiple thank you notes.  Kind of like those that send generic thank you notes with a picture with no actual individualization or personalization at all.

  • Rude.

    We sent a baby gift to a friend back in February. I texted, called, fb messaged, asking if they'd received it because I was worried our baby gift was floating off in UPS land. She never replied to me. We finally got a Thank You last week.

    It is really NOT hard to take time and write out thank you notes. So annoying.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • This surprises me, but I think I must have misunderstood your sarcasm.  Of course money is a gift and the giver should get a thank you card. When someone says, "No gifts," I assume they mean no gifts, period: no wrapped present, no check.  If what the hosts mean is "cash gifts only," then that's rude and presumptuous. If you do give a gift, though, it doesn't matter whether someone picked something off the registry or picked up something they thought you would love or gave you cash, every gesture gets a thank you card.  Promptly.
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