How do you deal with Forcefulness and Pushiness?

[Deleted User] · June 2015

Me and my Fiance have been engaged since last year and I immediately began to plan our wedding and actually get the ball rolling! Venues, the church, bridesmaids etc....HOWEVER we are expecting a child now and have decided to put our wedding on hold until he/she (we wont find out until July) is born. HOWEVER everyday I am questioned by his grandmother and other members of HIS family why are we waiting to get married? They feel like we need to go downtown to the court house and just tie the knot. I personally do not want a courthouse marriage not saying anything is wrong with that but its just not for me. How can I give my honest answer and get them to understand that although we did things out of order having a child first before marriage that there are things that need to be taken care of first before the knot is actually tied without being disrespectful or causing a rift in families before it even happens??? Someone please help I am so beyond stressed about it and I dont need this right now due to me being pregnant!

lc07 · June 2015

If someone asks about the wedding you can simply let them know that you are presently enjoying your engagement and planning for the arrival of your child and a date hasn't been set yet for the wedding. Change the subject. Rinse, repeat. You don't owe anyone a lengthy explanation. Congrats on all of these exciting new things in your life, OP!

luckya23 · June 2015

When was the wedding supposed to be? I would wonder why you would lose all that money on deposits too as long as it wasn't actually on your due date or something! Why would the courthouse be the only other option?

[Deleted User] · June 2015

Sorry it took so long to reply I was looking at some dresses.Thank you for congratulating me! and Trust me i am enjoying every minute of all these wonderful events. However it was suppose to be this year September 26. No deposits and stuff were made just yet since we found out about the baby in March. However, I just want to be beautiful and remember my day for an eternity! Not being forced into something I really didn't want to please others that could also potentially hurt my relationship because it wasn't on our own terms. Besides that fact the pregnancy HASN'T been so easy this is my first! I am still learning to manage those changes as well. The court house isn't my option at all, but HIS family wants that to be what happens NOW. it's like I cant have my dream wedding because I am pregnant they see it as being wrong in GOD's eyes. I'm not saying that I don't 100% agree BUT I also know GOD will forgive me as long as I ask to be forgiven. It's like they look at me as being disrespectful and wrong instead of just being happy and excited that we're a team and in this together no matter what obstacles arise. It just gets nerve racking because they just won't accept my answer as the right one.

lc07 · June 2015

Mrsstarling14 said:

Me and my Fiance have been engaged since last year and I immediately began to plan our wedding and actually get the ball rolling! Venues, the church, bridesmaids etc....HOWEVER we are expecting a child now and have decided to put our wedding on hold until he/she (we wont find out until July) is born. HOWEVER everyday I am questioned by his grandmother and other members of HIS family why are we waiting to get married? They feel like we need to go downtown to the court house and just tie the knot. I personally do not want a courthouse marriage not saying anything is wrong with that but its just not for me. How can I give my honest answer and get them to understand that although we did things out of order having a child first before marriage that there are things that need to be taken care of first before the knot is actually tied without being disrespectful or causing a rift in families before it even happens??? Someone please help I am so beyond stressed about it and I dont need this right now due to me being pregnant!

Mrsstarling14 said:

Sorry it took so long to reply I was looking at some dresses.Thank you for congratulating me! and Trust me i am enjoying every minute of all these wonderful events. However it was suppose to be this year September 26. No deposits and stuff were made just yet since we found out about the baby in March. However, I just want to be beautiful and remember my day for an eternity! Not being forced into something I really didn't want to please others that could also potentially hurt my relationship because it wasn't on our own terms. Besides that fact the pregnancy HASN'T been so easy this is my first! I am still learning to manage those changes as well. The court house isn't my option at all, but HIS family wants that to be what happens NOW. it's like I cant have my dream wedding because I am pregnant they see it as being wrong in GOD's eyes. I'm not saying that I don't 100% agree BUT I also know GOD will forgive me as long as I ask to be forgiven. It's like they look at me as being disrespectful and wrong instead of just being happy and excited that we're a team and in this together no matter what obstacles arise. It just gets nerve racking because they just won't accept my answer as the right one.

I think you just need to own your choice. They can think it's the wrong choice all day long but if it's the right choice for you and your FI, oh well! I wouldn't engage in a religious conversation with them. "Setting a wedding date is not something FI and I are discussing at this moment. We're focusing on welcoming our baby into the world and XYZ. We'll be sure to let you know once a wedding date has been set, though! Thank you for your excitement about our engagement!" Or you can stick with just the first sentence. If they start bashing you and FI and your choices, you can always tell them it's unfortunate that they feel that way but it's not up for discussion. Then change the topic. I recommend changing the topic to asking something about them. People like talking about themselves. If they sweetly say they wish you'd get married sooner you can thank them for their excitement and tell them you'll be sure to let them know once more concrete plans have been set. But really, do no engage in a shit fight about this.

CMGragain · June 2015

Try to have some empathy for your relatives. Times have changed, and it sounds like they haven't changed with it.
Fifty years ago, having a baby outside of marriage was a scandal and a disgrace to the family.
Twenty-five years ago, having a baby outside of marriage was no longer a scandal, but might still raise some eyebrows.
Today there is no controversy.
This is a big leap for some people to make, especially if they were raised in an old-time-religion fundamentalist church.
Have patience with them, and forgive them. They love you, and they want the best for you.

[Deleted User] · June 2015

And I understand they want whats best. I just feel like I shouldn't have to hear it EVERY single day! that drives me insane. Changing the subject is cool at first but we somehow manage to get back on that topic.I am forgiving and I do love them. I do have patience and I am very understanding of their views I'm just asking for the same in return whether it's right wrong or otherwise. I just don't want or need the extra added stress right now is all. But I am so happy you guys are giving me different view points and advice....it's not easy!

CMGragain · June 2015

Mrsstarling14 said:

And I understand they want whats best. I just feel like I shouldn't have to hear it EVERY single day! that drives me insane. Changing the subject is cool at first but we somehow manage to get back on that topic.I am forgiving and I do love them. I do have patience and I am very understanding of their views I'm just asking for the same in return whether it's right wrong or otherwise. I just don't want or need the extra added stress right now is all. But I am so happy you guys are giving me different view points and advice....it's not easy!

If you think it is not easy now, just wait until you try parenthood! Seriously, congratulations and best wishes for your future.

novella1186 · June 2015

Mrsstarling14 said:

And I understand they want whats best. I just feel like I shouldn't have to hear it EVERY single day! that drives me insane. Changing the subject is cool at first but we somehow manage to get back on that topic.I am forgiving and I do love them. I do have patience and I am very understanding of their views I'm just asking for the same in return whether it's right wrong or otherwise. I just don't want or need the extra added stress right now is all. But I am so happy you guys are giving me different view points and advice....it's not easy!

They likely will never see it from your point of view, so give up on that. You don't need them to agree with your side (it would be nice if they could be more understanding, but some people just won't budge). When you stop wanting to convince them to agree with you and stop caring so much about what they think, things will get a lot more peaceful for you.

No matter what their opinion is, you're going to have a baby. They can't stop any of these great, exciting things from happening to you. So don't let them put a dark cloud over anything.

Stop hanging out with them for a while, don't answer their calls for a while, give yourself some distance so you can relax and not stress about their nagging. And the next time you talk to them, do as PP suggested and just say "thanks for your excitement, we haven't picked a date yet. Didn't you just change jobs? How's that going?'

Maggie0829 · June 2015

Are you and your FI on the same page regarding putting your wedding on hold until after you have your baby? If so, then who the hell cares what his family says?! You shouldn't have to explain why you are doing what you are doing.

And really, since this constant nagging is coming from FI side of them family, I would be having him step up and tell his family to back the hell off.

OliveOilsMom · June 2015

I think your FI needs to be the one who stands up and tells his family to stop bugging you. If his family always comes back around to you have a courthouse wedding, I think firmer language is in order. It should also come from your FI as much as possible. "Mom & Dad, I love you, but Mrsstarling and I have made the decision to not get married until after the baby is born. We know that is not what you wanted, but it is what we want. So this will no longer be a topic of conversation between us. If you cannot respect that, we will be seeing less of each other."

The big part is to follow through. If you change the topic and they come back around to it. End your visit or phone call with them. "Well, we need to be going. Thanks for having us over!" Then go! You can't get caught in a conversation you don't want to have, if you are not there.

thisismynickname2 · June 2015

It seems you are a religious person and so I am, to an extent.

Every child is a gift from God.

When men and women make plans, God laughs.

God never bestows a challenge on those who cannot shoulder the challenge.

I'm guessing they also believe marriage is for the purpose of procreation, so you can just say God gave you a head-start! Plus, a courthouse marriage isn't religious anyway, so you have chosen to keep your stress levels low for the good of your unborn child and wait to plan the religious (and legal) marriage until the child is here safe and sound.

To be horrified at having a child out of wedlock yet insisting on a quick courthouse marriage to be "legal" is pretty hypocritical if you ask me.

MyNameIsNot · June 2015

Mrsstarling14 said:

And I understand they want whats best. I just feel like I shouldn't have to hear it EVERY single day! that drives me insane. Changing the subject is cool at first but we somehow manage to get back on that topic.I am forgiving and I do love them. I do have patience and I am very understanding of their views I'm just asking for the same in return whether it's right wrong or otherwise. I just don't want or need the extra added stress right now is all. But I am so happy you guys are giving me different view points and advice....it's not easy!

It's time to be a little more assertive. You (and your FI) have made a decision, and its time to communicate to his family that they don't make your decisions anymore. If you keep talking to them about this, you teach them to brow beat you about every decision they don't like. If you think it's bad over a wedding, just wait until the little one is here. They need to know that they can't harass you into using this kind of diaper or choosing that school.

Since this is FI's family, it's his place to put his foot down. "Look, Starling and I have decided to put the wedding on hold for now. The topic is closed." If they bring it up again, hang up the phone or leave the room. Lather, rinse, repeat.

[Deleted User] · June 2015

Thank you all so much! this was VERY helpful! As much as I try to be nice and take others feelings into consideration you guys are right! Since this post me and my FI have talked about things and he's 100% supportive so we've decided to have a little family meeting both sides to make things fair and to just let EVERYONE know that we are going to do this our way regardless of feelings or opinions. So I appreciate the courage you all have given me to be firm and loving but to also go THROUGH with the decision. I think I'm way more relaxed about things and not so stressed. So cheers to you for the support! This has been of such good help!

How do you deal with Forcefulness and Pushiness?

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