Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding 911
Wedding 911
New Discussion
Options

Cold Feet or More?

meguydomeguydo member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding 911
My FI has lost my trust a few times too many, and now he had a major event that has "woken him up".  He's not been an excessive drinker/smoker/gambler/cheater, but he hasn't followed through with his word many times.  He has done everything I have asked to try and keep me, but something just isn't right with his family and how we will function together.  I am a very trusting person, but I know that he will disappoint me again.  He has promised to stand up to his parents for me over the last three years and has barely done so.  He is afraid of them.  He has also told me that he's talked to them when he really hasn't.  I had initially said that he could do holidays and events alone, but that I would not be present in their home or when they are in our home.

Last week he was disappointed to agree that his mother would never be left alone with our future children. Now, he's agreeing to sever the ties if I stay with him.  I'm fearful that he is agreeing to all of these things so I won't walk away.  Invites should have gone out last week, but I'm hesitant to send them...I'm not running to the post office smiling, that's for sure!  Any advice out there for me?  I know this is vague...but I'm freaking out over here!  
Report Reply to Post

Re: Cold Feet or More?

  • Options
    ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    meguydo said:
    My FI has lost my trust a few times too many, and now he had a major event that has "woken him up".  He's not been an excessive drinker/smoker/gambler/cheater, but he hasn't followed through with his word many times.  He has done everything I have asked to try and keep me, but something just isn't right with his family and how we will function together.  I am a very trusting person, but I know that he will disappoint me again.  He has promised to stand up to his parents for me over the last three years and has barely done so.  He is afraid of them.  He has also told me that he's talked to them when he really hasn't.  I had initially said that he could do holidays and events alone, but that I would not be present in their home or when they are in our home.

    Last week he was disappointed to agree that his mother would never be left alone with our future children. Now, he's agreeing to sever the ties if I stay with him.  I'm fearful that he is agreeing to all of these things so I won't walk away.  Invites should have gone out last week, but I'm hesitant to send them...I'm not running to the post office smiling, that's for sure!  Any advice out there for me?  I know this is vague...but I'm freaking out over here!  
    Wow - these sound like huge red flags draped across a trainwreck. At the very least, postpone the wedding and get yourselves into counseling. I'd say couple's and individual counseling for you. 

    Ultimately you cannot change a person and if you don't want to be with the person he is right now in ten years, you might want to consider walking away completely. 

    Cold feet is when you're nervous for no reason, or maybe the reason is that he leaves his dirty socks on the floor right next to the hamper. The issues you've listed are enormous and no marriage, or relationship can survive without dealing with these head-on. 

    Good luck.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    Report Reply
  • Options
    justsiejustsie member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    meguydo said:
    My FI has lost my trust a few times too many, and now he had a major event that has "woken him up".  He's not been an excessive drinker/smoker/gambler/cheater, but he hasn't followed through with his word many times.  He has done everything I have asked to try and keep me, but something just isn't right with his family and how we will function together.  I am a very trusting person, but I know that he will disappoint me again.  He has promised to stand up to his parents for me over the last three years and has barely done so.  He is afraid of them.  He has also told me that he's talked to them when he really hasn't.  I had initially said that he could do holidays and events alone, but that I would not be present in their home or when they are in our home.

    Last week he was disappointed to agree that his mother would never be left alone with our future children. Now, he's agreeing to sever the ties if I stay with him.  I'm fearful that he is agreeing to all of these things so I won't walk away.  Invites should have gone out last week, but I'm hesitant to send them...I'm not running to the post office smiling, that's for sure!  Any advice out there for me?  I know this is vague...but I'm freaking out over here!  
    Go to counseling,
    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    aliwis000aliwis000 member
    5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper First Comment
    I agree with PP. Postpone until you can both go to counseling. Individual counseling might be suggested as well.

    If your gut is telling you not to send the invites listen to it. This does not mean you have to call off the engagement, just postpone the wedding until you can get to a better place.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I'm sorry you're going through this. What you've described does not sound like anything I would want to put up with "till death do us part."

    As others said, trust your gut. 
    Your gut says a lot. 

    My husband married when he was very young and they did go to couples' counseling. I asked him what he learned from it, and he said he learned he shouldn't get married. He didn't trust his gut, went through with the wedding, and divorced a few years later. He even told his parents he didn't want to go through with the wedding, but he did. 

    If you can't bring yourself to mail the invitations, that's telling you something!!
    ________________________________


    Report Reply
  • Options
    mikenbergermikenberger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Absolutely you need to stop this train and go to counseling with him and separately. There's tons of good advice here. I hope you take all of it.

    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    photokittyphotokitty mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited June 2015
    Postpone the wedding and go to counseling.
    -advice from someone who was too embarrassed to call off the wedding 10 weeks before the date only to leave him 8 months later bc of unresolved issues that grew to be even bigger problems.

    Embarrassment and lost deposits are better than going through a divorce IMHO.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    Report Reply
  • Options
    lnixon8lnixon8 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Your FI doesn't have to be an "excessive drinker/smoker/gambler/cheater" to not be the right fit for you. Maybe you're trying to talk yourself into going though with the marriage? It sounds like you gave him an ultimatum of his mother or you... maybe subconscioulsy hoping he would pick his other? 

    postpone postpone postpone.


    Report Reply
  • Options
    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    It's a hell of a lot easier (and cheaper) to postpone a wedding than to get a divorce.

    Cold feet = "omg what if I miss the single life? Am I ready for marriage right now?"

    More = "I have fundamental issues with this person and little/no confidence that they will be resolved. I may love him but I think I'm making a bad life choice."

    It sounds like he isn't "on your team" and lies to make problems go away. Huge red flag. At this point, you aren't canceling it, you're just postponing it.

    In your own head, envision postponing it. Are you relieved? Follow your gut.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    I think there are too many flags that say "I'd give that marriage less than a year" given what you've posted.  Postponing or cancelling the wedding is FAR cheaper than a divorce, or worse, should you have kids, going through a divorce and custody issues.  But also, my advice for your FI after reading this is "Run - be free!!!  Cut this relationship off now!"  Really, you should not be demanding that he basically cut ties with his family because you have issues and your removing yourself from a relationship with them, big red flag.  Granted, I'm hoping there's more concrete reasoning but it really sounds like you two would be a gigantic train wreck should you get married right now at this point in your lives.

    Unless your FMIL has a felony conviction or otherwise conviction, trust me when I say you're being absolutely unreasonable in the "FMIL WILL NEVER SEE OUR CHILDREN alone" - While I had times when I had to have DH step in to say "Please tell MIL not to walk down the middle of the road with DD in a stroller" when she was little, banning her for life is a bit premature, she did raise your FI after all. 

    Do not send out invitations and STOP all wedding planning now until you get your houses in order!  You need to work on the marriage planning even if you only send invites out two weeks before the wedding, it's cheaper than a divorce. 

    Report Reply
  • Options
    cjpr615cjpr615 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper

    Meguydo,

    I agree that you really really should trust your gut with this one. Sadly, for my first marriage, I did not trust my gut. I was really young, and marriage was the only way I saw to get out of my parent's house (this is 40 years ago). My main memory of that wedding was when I started walking down the aisle with my Dad, and knew I was walking into a pit of misery, and I said to him "let's turn around and run like hell". He said ok let's go, but I felt too guilty about how much money they had spent on the wedding. That was a REALLY bad call on my part.

    I don't need to tell you the marriage lasted barely a year and a half, and that I was a total wreck by the time I had the courage to get out.

    Give yourself as much time as you need. Call it a postponement, a cancellation, whatever, but please don't get married feeling like this. Therapy is a godsend and it will help you clarify and work through whatever the issues are.

    Report Reply
  • Options
    levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Postpone the wedding.  Losing a few deposits will be far easier than a divorce.

    PPs have said everything I would.

    I personally would never be able to marry a person I couldn't trust, and who constantly goes back on his word.  Trust is an extremely fragile thing.  I also get the sense that you feel like you are a second priority.  Are you prepared to feel that way for the rest of your life?  Are you prepared for him to break your trust and to continually go back to his family?  Are you comfortable with the fact that you are even entertaining the thought that he is lying to you to try to get you to stay?  Are you comfortable being with someone who never fights or stands up for you?  Are you comfortable being with someone who defers to his parents, instead of having inner strength and acting like an adult?  

    I would be honest and tell you if you were imagining things or overreacting.  But honey, this post is so full of red flags I'm afraid it's going to dye the Knot background pink. 


    image
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards