Wedding Etiquette Forum

Acquaintances Inviting Themselves

I've been trying to minimize my real-life talking about weddings because we're restricting our guestlist to our families and our very closest, oldest friends. I don't want to set up expectations for less-close people who aren't invited. But then things like this happen.

FI ran to grab take-out for dinner. While he was there, a childhood friend-and-ex-girlfriend of FI's brother came in, flagged him down, and invited herself to our wedding. I wasn't there, but the conversation seems to have gone something like this:

Her: I hear you're getting married! That's so great!
FI: Yep, we're pretty excited.
Her: Awesome, I can't wait to go to your wedding. When is it?
FI: Oh, um. Next May.
Her: Great, I can't wait!
FI: Yeah, great!

He does not particularly want this person there, and when he first told me about this, I was like, "Well, too bad for her. Ooh, tacos." But upon further discussion, the only examples he could give me of his responses sounded like affirmatives. He said they talked for 10 or 15 minutes while both takeout orders were being filled, and that she invited herself 2 or 3 times during the conversation. Did FI tacitly invite her? Do accidental tacit invitations count? Do I get to demand a gift if she gets to demand an invitation?
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Re: Acquaintances Inviting Themselves

  • I wouldn't count that, personally. In fact, anyone who invites themselves, unless we actually say something like, "Yeah, we are totally inviting you!" I won't invite them. Like you, we're planning on having a small wedding (inviting 80 total). I've had two people try to invite themselves already and we aren't even at the point where we we've started looking at stuff, let alone decided exactly who we are inviting. And these people weren't close to either of us at all. One is a guy who lived in my last barracks for a year with me and had a crush on me, the second is a guy I converted to Christianity online and have never actually met. Awwwkwaard.





  • OfftheMap27OfftheMap27 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited June 2015
    I wouldn't invest too much into it. When I got engaged and posted the quintessential FB photo, I got a few comments, and texts from people about "being excited" or they "can't wait" or they "hope they're there." In some ways I think its an effect of our time, and social media. People post they're doing something exciting, and people want to be involved.

    If you don't want them there, don't invite them. A casual conversation does not make for an invite. Don't stress! :)
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I don't think you are required to invite them, but I would tell FI he needs to come up with some better responses, "Unfortunately we are unable to invite as many people as we would have liked" or "We are having a small ceremony". 
  • No, he didn't verbally invite her.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • I've been trying to minimize my real-life talking about weddings because we're restricting our guestlist to our families and our very closest, oldest friends. I don't want to set up expectations for less-close people who aren't invited. But then things like this happen.

    FI ran to grab take-out for dinner. While he was there, a childhood friend-and-ex-girlfriend of FI's brother came in, flagged him down, and invited herself to our wedding. I wasn't there, but the conversation seems to have gone something like this:

    Her: I hear you're getting married! That's so great!
    FI: Yep, we're pretty excited.
    Her: Awesome, I can't wait to go to your wedding. When is it?
    FI: Oh, um. Next May.
    Her: Great, I can't wait!
    FI: Yeah, great!

    He does not particularly want this person there, and when he first told me about this, I was like, "Well, too bad for her. Ooh, tacos." But upon further discussion, the only examples he could give me of his responses sounded like affirmatives. He said they talked for 10 or 15 minutes while both takeout orders were being filled, and that she invited herself 2 or 3 times during the conversation. Did FI tacitly invite her? Do accidental tacit invitations count? Do I get to demand a gift if she gets to demand an invitation?
    Even if he did tacitly invite her (which I don't think he did), recinding an invite is a friendship-ending move.  Do you care if you end that "friendship"?
  • Nope, you are in the clear. You don't have to send her a formal invite. That was rude on her part to assume she would be invited. Just teach FI about the art of "Bean dipping"
  • adk19 said:
    I've been trying to minimize my real-life talking about weddings because we're restricting our guestlist to our families and our very closest, oldest friends. I don't want to set up expectations for less-close people who aren't invited. But then things like this happen.

    FI ran to grab take-out for dinner. While he was there, a childhood friend-and-ex-girlfriend of FI's brother came in, flagged him down, and invited herself to our wedding. I wasn't there, but the conversation seems to have gone something like this:

    Her: I hear you're getting married! That's so great!
    FI: Yep, we're pretty excited.
    Her: Awesome, I can't wait to go to your wedding. When is it?
    FI: Oh, um. Next May.
    Her: Great, I can't wait!
    FI: Yeah, great!

    He does not particularly want this person there, and when he first told me about this, I was like, "Well, too bad for her. Ooh, tacos." But upon further discussion, the only examples he could give me of his responses sounded like affirmatives. He said they talked for 10 or 15 minutes while both takeout orders were being filled, and that she invited herself 2 or 3 times during the conversation. Did FI tacitly invite her? Do accidental tacit invitations count? Do I get to demand a gift if she gets to demand an invitation?
    Even if he did tacitly invite her (which I don't think he did), recinding an invite is a friendship-ending move.  Do you care if you end that "friendship"?
    Not even a little. We've never socialized with her outside of FI's brother's events, don't have any contact info for her, aren't facebook friends with her, etc. I think we've decided to only invite her if she presses the issue; we don't have a relationship with her, but we don't want to create tension between her and FI's brother/SIL.
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  • I wouldn't consider that a verbal invitation. No need to send an invitation. Obviously it's rude to tell someone they won't be invited, but if you tell an acquaintance "we're having a small wedding with only our closest family and friends" and they should hopefully get the hint.


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  • I've been trying to minimize my real-life talking about weddings because we're restricting our guestlist to our families and our very closest, oldest friends. I don't want to set up expectations for less-close people who aren't invited. But then things like this happen.

    FI ran to grab take-out for dinner. While he was there, a childhood friend-and-ex-girlfriend of FI's brother came in, flagged him down, and invited herself to our wedding. I wasn't there, but the conversation seems to have gone something like this:

    Her: I hear you're getting married! That's so great!
    FI: Yep, we're pretty excited.
    Her: Awesome, I can't wait to go to your wedding. When is it?
    FI: Oh, um. Next May.
    Her: Great, I can't wait!
    FI: Yeah, great!

    He does not particularly want this person there, and when he first told me about this, I was like, "Well, too bad for her. Ooh, tacos." But upon further discussion, the only examples he could give me of his responses sounded like affirmatives. He said they talked for 10 or 15 minutes while both takeout orders were being filled, and that she invited herself 2 or 3 times during the conversation. Did FI tacitly invite her? Do accidental tacit invitations count? Do I get to demand a gift if she gets to demand an invitation?
    That doesn't sound like a verbal invitation.  But your FI could say to her if she brings it up again, "Lisa, @lachattefatale and I unfortunately aren't going to be able to invite everyone we'd like."
  • Super weird of her, but I wouldn't consider that a verbal invite. I would just work on avoiding those conversations as much as possible in the future. Come up with ways to steer the conversation elsewhere when it gets too close to wedding-land.
  • spglspspglsp member
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    It doesn't sound like he invited her but you should probably come up with some planned responses should this kind of situation happen again. Early into planning I favored "we haven't established a guest list yet" and later moved on to "unfortunately, we can't accommodate everyone"
    Just Married!

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