Future Mother-In-Law troubles

Knottie76399729 · June 2015

My future MIL has changed her mind about coming to our wedding in October 2016 pretty much since we told her of our engagement. She's gone from being excited and wanting the plan the rehearsal dinner to saying she wasn't coming at all and not to send her an invite, all in one week! Now, the wedding is far enough away that I've just been letting her go back and forth (she recently called up my Fiance and left a vm on his phone saying she wasn't coming when he didn't call her back because he was at work) but I'm not sure when I should put my foot down and take her up on the "not coming to the wedding" threat. I've never had any real problems with her, personally, and I certainly do not want to un-invite her (she is my Fiance's mother, after all) but I also do not feel like have her threaten to not come to her son's wedding simply because she isn't getting her way for the next year.

There is also the added bonus of her having issues with both of my future Brother-in-laws, and I'm a little afraid she will end up making a scene at the wedding. both of the brothers are really great, and I'm sure if I ask they'll deal with her, but because they refuse to speak with her I'm afraid she's going to turn my wedding into a therapy session for herself. Does anyone have any advice on how to speak with her about these threats and her possible actions at the wedding?

spglsp · June 2015

You have so much time before the wedding, I really wouldn't worry too much about this right now. She says she's coming: great. She says she's not coming: I'm sorry to hear that. Do not engage. You're just fueling the drama by getting into it with her.

AddieCake · June 2015

I wouldn't worry about it at all. And let your fiancé deal with anything she pulls. When the time comes, send her an invitation. She won't be missing her son's wedding, most likely. Drama llamas are not worth getting stressed over.

Jen4948 · June 2015

One other thing: Start setting boundaries with your FMIL. Have your FI communicate them to her, but make clear what is and isn't acceptable and follow through with appropriate consequences if she violates them.

levioosa · June 2015

Knottie76399729 said:

My future MIL has changed her mind about coming to our wedding in October 2016 pretty much since we told her of our engagement. She's gone from being excited and wanting the plan the rehearsal dinner to saying she wasn't coming at all and not to send her an invite, all in one week! Now, the wedding is far enough away that I've just been letting her go back and forth (she recently called up my Fiance and left a vm on his phone saying she wasn't coming when he didn't call her back because he was at work) but I'm not sure when I should put my foot down and take her up on the "not coming to the wedding" threat. I've never had any real problems with her, personally, and I certainly do not want to un-invite her (she is my Fiance's mother, after all) but I also do not feel like have her threaten to not come to her son's wedding simply because she isn't getting her way for the next year.
There is also the added bonus of her having issues with both of my future Brother-in-laws, and I'm a little afraid she will end up making a scene at the wedding. both of the brothers are really great, and I'm sure if I ask they'll deal with her, but because they refuse to speak with her I'm afraid she's going to turn my wedding into a therapy session for herself. Does anyone have any advice on how to speak with her about these threats and her possible actions at the wedding?

Why are you worrying about something over a year away?

She sounds like she enjoys being the center of attention. You FI needs to be the one dealing with her, and you both need to work on boundaries. I would just take the wind out of her sails by saying, "Well, mom, looks like you'll be missed." and leave it at that.

downtondiva · June 2015

I'm a little confused as to why your FMIL is saying that she's not coming to the wedding, but whatever her reasons are, your wedding is still over a year away, and a lot can change in that time. I wouldn't worry about this just yet.

And whatever happens in that time, let your FI be the one to deal with it.

Maggie0829 · June 2015

I agree with Addie. I wouldn't worry about it at all. Send her an invite and if she comes, great. If not, then that is her loss.

And if she does come and make a scene, that will just reflect poorly on her, not you or your FI.

You can't control other people's actions, only how you react. So focus on planning your wedding and having fun in the process. Let your FMIL be weird/crazy and don't let it get to you.

OliveOilsMom · June 2015

First, do not accept any money from your FMIL for the wedding. She will hold it over your head the entire time. You could have this crazy rollercoaster the entire time you plan your wedding, if you take her money. If you don't take any money from her, you don't have to discuss the wedding with her at all! Don't discuss it with her. If she brings up the wedding, with suggestions, just say "We haven't planned that yet, but will keep your suggestion in mind when we do." or "The wedding is so far away, we aren't even thinking about it!" Then change the subject.

If she says she isn't coming to the wedding, just say you will miss her. She is trying to be the center of attention. Don't let her be. Also, its your FI's mother, so let him deal with her as much as possible.

Do your best to keep FMIL away from FBILs. Seat them at separate tables at the reception, etc. If there is someone who FMIL tries to "impress" with her behavior, seat that person at FMIL's table. It may solve any issues you think you might have with FMIL at the wedding.

Cassie346 · June 2015

Because she is mother of your FI I think she should just stay invited on your end. What she decides to do is up to her. Also, if she is going to be indecisive and cause drama over the next year then don't give her any responsibility in the planning process. Sounds like that would be a bad idea.

Blackbird230 · June 2015

With over a year away, I wouldn't think much of it. However I would NOT plan on her doing things like hosting the rehearsal dinner and such. Is this typical of her behavior? It sounds like she's just using it as a threat. Also personally I wouldn't worry about it. This is a problem between your FI and her, not you.

CMGragain · June 2015

Don't worry. She will be at your wedding. Somebody who is such a drama queen wouldn't miss the opportunity of being in the spotlight as MOG!

[Deleted User] · June 2015

My parents left me hanging with the "we aren't sure" when I asked if they will attend. Once they realized that I no longer was hurt by their last of excitement, my parents started becoming more tolerant of our relationship and the wedding talk. We got engaged in January and the wedding is in December, it took only 6 months for my parents to relax so time will be your deciding factor. I know it's frustrating though when the indecisive one would be a partial planner (rehearsal, reception, mother-of-groom dress shopping, etc) but let her simmer down. Once she looses her audience and sees you two moving on together, she will make a clear decision. Sounds to me like it wouldn't be such a loss if she wasn't there. Once you get passed them being a parent of the wedding couple, they really have no power or obligation to hold that honor on your special day. If she acts up until well into 2016, maybe invite her but as a guest, not as the groom's mother. Might be harsh but hey, she threw the hissy fit. Just my two bits

[Deleted User] · June 2015

DplusKDec192015 said:

My parents left me hanging with the "we aren't sure" when I asked if they will attend. Once they realized that I no longer was hurt by their last of excitement, my parents started becoming more tolerant of our relationship and the wedding talk. We got engaged in January and the wedding is in December, it took only 6 months for my parents to relax so time will be your deciding factor. I know it's frustrating though when the indecisive one would be a partial planner (rehearsal, reception, mother-of-groom dress shopping, etc) but let her simmer down. Once she looses her audience and sees you two moving on together, she will make a clear decision. Sounds to me like it wouldn't be such a loss if she wasn't there. Once you get passed them being a parent of the wedding couple, they really have no power or obligation to hold that honor on your special day. If she acts up until well into 2016, maybe invite her but as a guest, not as the groom's mother. Might be harsh but hey, she threw the hissy fit. Just my two bits

And I should note that these were the parents that asked me to leave home because I accepted a relationship with a guy without their blessing. So, yeah, I was beyond heartbroken from the beginning of this relationship but as time went on, I formed a callus and though I want them there as my family, it won't stop us if they don't show. Children should never have to ask if their living parents will attend their wedding. Nor should their lack of presence ever be threat. Drama Queen seems to be a typical MOG but is taking it to the extreme.

blushingbride8888 · July 2015

You have over a year before the wedding. Take a deep breath and hand the issue over to your Fi. I'm sure she'll go back and forth a hundred times and complain about other things before October 2016 comes.

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