Need advice for rude question for an upcoming wedding

themuffinman16 · June 2015

Sorry, I have been busy, lately with my Grandpa in town, and haven't been knotting a lot.

I have a question. My brother and wife are getting married in two weeks. Today, I just got a facebook message from FSIL. She asked me if I have any preferences because she is working on the seating at the reception. (She knows I no longer speak with my father or my oldest sister). Then, she asks me if her daughter could sit at our table at the reception, and if I wouldn't mind watching her for the reception. She said she doesn't want to leave her daughter at her parents table or my step-mother's table because she doesn't think she will do a good job watching her. WTAF batman.

My twin sister is paying someone $150 to watch her children all day, because it is a adult reception (it said so on the invite. Lol). And then she has the audacity to ask our table to watch her daughter, because she doesn't think it would be a good idea to put her at the sweetheart table with her and my brother. What do I say?

If this is some random person, I would have a few choice words and would tell them we had changed our minds about coming. This will be my FSIL. I don't want to be nasty to her. How can I put it mildly that I don't want to do this? My Father is attending this same wedding. I want to have the freedom to leave if he becomes hostile towards me. I want to drink. I want to enjoy myself as a guest. Not watch a one and a half year old that cries whenever I hold her, because I never see her. I would love any advice? Thanks, ladies!!!

Pellegcm · June 2015

I think you should be honest with her. Not the choice words that you (rightly) want to use, but say what you said about your dad. She knows you no longer speak with him and your relationship is rocky. Tell her that you want to be able to remove yourself from the situation if the need arises, and that you're sorry, but you may not be the best choice to watch her daughter for this reason.

lovegood90 · June 2015

"I'm sorry, unfortunately I won't be able to." Done. Don't give a reason. Or you could maybe say something like, "Sorry but I would not be comfortable watching her and wouldn't be the best choice. Thanks for thinking of me though!" Done. If she presses, have your Fi step in (assuming this is his sister?)- ETA- duh, I just read that this is your brother's future wife.

STARMOON44 · June 2015

I think you should say you wouldn't feel comfortable taking on that responsibility while also being a guest and decline. Nicely, but firmly.

KatieinBkln · June 2015

"Oh, I'm sorry, I won't be able to watch [Name.] Thank you for asking about the table assignments--as you know I'm not close with [Other names] so as long as I am not seated at their table I will be fine."

No is not a 4-letter word, and if someone reacts as if it is upon hearing it, it's their problem. Remain calm, move on to the next subject. Repeat as necessary.

Maggie0829 · June 2015

I agree with PP. Just tell her "No, I am sorry I will not be able to do that." Done. If she asks why then simply tell her that you would like to be able to leave if you need to.

lyndausvi · June 2015

I would tell them no. Given the age of the child and you do not know her well, I would add that a babysitter might be a better idea.

madamerwin · June 2015

I agree with PPs. It's really shitty she put you on the spot like that, but a simple "No, I don't feel comfortable doing that" or something is enough.

If she really pushes it, and if you feel compelled to explain why, I'd go with the truth - you need to be able to leave if your dad gets hostile, you want to be able to drink, and the kid cries whenever you hold her. Again - you don't owe her an explanation, but your reasoning for not wanting to do it is really valid.

southernbelle0915 · June 2015

Tell her you plan to be wasted, so it probably won't work.... Or as PPs said, "sorry, I'm not really comfortable with that." Or a combo of those things.

That sucks. What a brazen request!

simcal18 · June 2015

I'd just tell her that you can't do it. You can give her whatever reason you want--that you're not comfortable with it because you haven't spent a lot of time with the child (yet), you may need to leave if things get uncomfortable with your father, whatever explanation you're comfortable giving. And try not to be too offended by the request. This is your niece. It's not entirely unheard of for family to help look out for other family member's kids during family gatherings. And it's your FSIL and brother's wedding--they're entitled to have their own child there even if they haven't invited other children (like your other nieces/nephews). You are entirely within your rights to tell them that you're not comfortable looking out for the child at the reception. But for the sake of family harmony I'd drop the shocked and offended reaction. As you note, this isn't some random person--this is your FSIL. The request likely wasn't meant rudely, so I wouldn't take it that way.

banana468 · June 2015

FSIL may have made a mistake on the invitation but it's not unheard of to have the child of the couple there.

I'd just be honest. It wasn't rude of her to ask and it's not rude for you to say that you're just not comfortable doing that given the circumstances.

anjemon · June 2015

I'm actually confused why this questions offended you so much. Your SIL is asking you to watch her daughter for awhile during her wedding. While it would make more sense for a grandparent to watch her, perhaps she has asked them and they turned her down as well. You are family (or about to be), it's not strange to ask family to watch a niece/nephew. I asked a cousin to show up early to my wedding to help hold my niece/nephews while my sisters (who were BMs) were taking pictures.

But whether you are offended or not, it's best to answer as PPs have suggested. Just tell her you're not comfortable watching the toddler.

Jen4948 · June 2015

"I'm sorry, but I won't be able to babysit during your wedding."

lovemesomemonster · June 2015

I understand why you were offended by the question, family or not I am in the corner of I don't have kids for a reason, and don't want to play mom for someone else's kids. I have no problem watching a family member or friend's kid while they go to the restroom, run to the car etc. but for an entire reception that's a lot to ask. I agree with everyone else, just tell her you are not comfortable with that and hopefully she'll take it well.

lyndausvi · June 2015

I do not think it's horrible to ask a family member to help out with something. However, asking a family member to watch your 1.5 year old for an entire reception is asking too much.

My brother and SIL had a 6 month old when they got married. I think her sister watched our niece during the ceremony. I know it wasn't the grandparents.

After a few pictures and being passed around at the reception she was sent to a hotel room (same place as the reception) with a babysitter. My brother and his wife knew we would want to party ourselves and not be a babysitter.

lovegood90 · June 2015

Eh, I personally can understand why OP is offended. She was invited as a guest to this person's wedding and was then asked to babysit. I don't see how this is any more rude than asking a friend/family to "work" one's wedding (however I understand they are still different and the other is more extreme)...or in the snarky brides board someone mentioned how their friend was voluntold to be DD for a bunch of people.

I get that this person is "family" but she doesn't even know her FSIL or her niece that well. I think there are plenty better ways to extend an olive branch/get to know a future family member than to ask them to be a free babysitter at an event they are inviting them to.

That being said, whether or not it is her "right" to ask this of you (it seems with some people this is reasonable and with others it isn't), you are ALWAYS within your "right" to say no.

**However this is JMHO, and this is coming from someone who is not a kid person at all.

Maggie0829 · June 2015

I agree with the above posters. I don't know if I would have used the word offended, but I sure as hell would have been irritated that I was even asked to babysit. Like PP, OP was invited as a guest but then asked to babysit a kid for the entire reception. Asking to watch a kid while the parent goes pee is one thing, but to hand the kid off for the entire reception is a lot to ask. If the parent doesn't want to watch the kid then hire a babysitter. Don't ask a relative/guest to do it for you.

MyNameIsNot · June 2015

I would be offended if my SIL (or whomever) asked me to take care of an 18 month old during the entire reception. Sure, during the ceremony or picture would be fine, but asking me to watch a kid that age during the entire event means that you invited me to work, not to enjoy the event. Watching a kid that age means feeding her, changing diapers, potentially a nap, pacifying her when she cries, etc. There's a reason the couple doesn't want to take care of her: they want to have fun. OP should be able to have fun too.

I would tell her that I won't be able to take care of little Suzie during the reception and leave it at that.

RebeccaB88 · June 2015

Agree with all the above. Although, at that age, she/he almost certainly won't remember it, so might be happier and more comfortable going back home or to a hotel room with a paid sitter when it's nearing bedtime or if the crankies get started. It's understandable that the bride and groom would want to enjoy the reception adult-style, but it's also their responsibility to arrange for childcare without ruining the party for anyone else.

themuffinman16 · June 2015

I talked to my FSIL and she said she was just brainstorming.

I explained to her about feeling uncomfortable with watching her because she doesn't really know me, and she cries so much around me. FSIL understood my point and will figure something else out. I think she realized that at 1 1/2 her daughter can be very unpredictable, and to be in the same room with parents, but be kept at a distance just wouldn't work.

banana468 · June 2015

themuffinman16 said:

I talked to my FSIL and she said she was just brainstorming.
I explained to her about feeling uncomfortable with watching her because she doesn't really know me, and she cries so much around me. FSIL understood my point and will figure something else out. I think she realized that at 1 1/2 her daughter can be very unpredictable, and to be in the same room with parents, but be kept at a distance just wouldn't work.

THIS. DD was 23 mo when DH and I were Godparents to our niece. It was an effing nightmare with her in the church while I was holding the baby. And there was no reasoning with her because well - she wasn't even 2!

Sometimes you need to face the facts that your child is least likely to cooperate when they're put on display and away from you.

Need advice for rude question for an upcoming wedding

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