Etiquette Question

Knottie59019565 · June 2015

Is it ok to add a line about the number of seats reserved for guests on the rsvp card? FI really wants to add it, but I am against it. He doesn't want there to be any confusion about who is invited. I think addressing the envelopes correctly will ensure that people know who is invited. Thoughts?

lyndausvi · June 2015

I feel like this is a know your crowd thing.

We didn't put a number of seats reserved. Our guests get whoever is on the envelope are the only ones invited. No one just adds people nilly-willy.

I've been on here long enough to know there are some circles who do not get the concept that only those on the enveloped are invited.

I may be inclined to go with your DH's wording IF he has a family history to back up why he wants it on there.

southernbelle0915 · June 2015

No, it's not against etiquette to say "_2_ seats have been reserved in your honor".

If y'all want to compromise though, you could go about it a different way and put something like "place each guest's initials by their menu choice". That way, if there are initials you don't recognize, or 3 sets of initials when you invited 2 people, you can follow up.

charlottesmom0626 · June 2015

We put "Number of guests attending: _____" because for some of our invites, one of the two people in a couple couldn't make it, so they'd check "yes and no" and then fill out 1 in the slot.

However, we did have one guest who added his own plus one (his invitation was just to him, he wrote 2 in the attending slot) and we just let it go.

Maggie0829 · June 2015

I agree with Lynda. It wasn't until I came on here did I find out that people would actually RSVP for more then who was invited per the envelope.

But I would ask why your FI is so adamant about adding that wording. He may be concerned about some of his family or friends adding additional people.

Liatris2010 · June 2015

I feel like people who are going to write in extra guests are the same people who would do this: two three seats reserved in your honor ~ We're bringing little Opal too, so hard to find a sitter on a Saturday!!

NFLDBride15 · June 2015

It's perfectly okay to specify how many seats have been reserved on the invite, and if you really need to keep an eye on your numbers for either budgetary reasons or venue capacity reasons, it's probably in your best interest to add that detail. It's amazing how many people don't pay attention to exactly who is listed on the envelope (or who aren't even familiar with the protocol surrounding it). You may still get the people who try to add on guests above and beyond the number specified on the invite, in which case someone may have to give them a good ol' fashioned talking to.

Jen4948 · June 2015

NFLDBride15 said:

It's perfectly okay to specify how many seats have been reserved on the invite, and if you really need to keep an eye on your numbers for either budgetary reasons or venue capacity reasons, it's probably in your best interest to add that detail. It's amazing how many people don't pay attention to exactly who is listed on the envelope (or who aren't even familiar with the protocol surrounding it). You may still get the people who try to add on guests above and beyond the number specified on the invite, in which case someone may have to give them a good ol' fashioned talking to.

Per the bolded: Not according to etiquette, and also, if you (generic) give a reason why seats are limited, people get defensive about why they want to bring someone who's not invited. They'll offer to pay or claim that so-and-so won't take up space or whatever. But giving a reason tends not to be in any host's best interest.

teddygirl9 · June 2015

Jen4948 said:

NFLDBride15 said:

It's perfectly okay to specify how many seats have been reserved on the invite, and if you really need to keep an eye on your numbers for either budgetary reasons or venue capacity reasons, it's probably in your best interest to add that detail. It's amazing how many people don't pay attention to exactly who is listed on the envelope (or who aren't even familiar with the protocol surrounding it). You may still get the people who try to add on guests above and beyond the number specified on the invite, in which case someone may have to give them a good ol' fashioned talking to.

Per the bolded: Not according to etiquette, and also, if you (generic) give a reason why seats are limited, people get defensive about why they want to bring someone who's not invited. They'll offer to pay or claim that so-and-so won't take up space or whatever. But giving a reason tends not to be in any host's best interest.

I think she meant adding the 'detail' of "__2__ Seats". I dont think she was saying to put on there' due to budget we have reserved 2 seats for you' or soething.

delujm0 · June 2015

It's within etiquette to put the number of seats reserved on the RSVP card...but I will warn you of what some people have seen whe they do this. I've seen reports of people writing in a guest that wasn't the specific SO on the invitation, and then arguing "well you said you had 2 seats reserved for me, so why does it matter who i bring as my date?" In several cases, what happened here is that the bride didn't invite children and send an invitation to a couple, and the wife couldn't go, so the husband wrote in himself and his daughter, using the logic that if you had two seats available for him, it shouldn't matter who he brought with him. When the bride is specifically trying to leave children off the invite list, this can present a problem. I think when you do this, you make it look more like a +1 situation (where you can bring whoever you want) than an actual invited guest situation. If these people don't know that the only invited guests are the ones listed on the invitation, then i can totally see them switching up their date, or crossing out your "2" to put on a "3," etc. So just keep that in mind if you decide to go that route. You may still have to have conversations with people who don't understand how RSVPs work.

[Deleted User] · June 2015

You would think that addressing an envelope keeps people from adding others to your guest list, but it doesn't.

madamerwin · June 2015

We addressed envelopes to who we invited, and then on the RSVP card have a line for "number attending". We chose to do that since we invited a number of families with children, and we needed to know how many of the family members were attending (though FI's smart ass friend put "16 +/- 11" on the number attending line. Which meant all five family members are coming).

We have only one guest who added in someone who we did not address on the invite, and that was only because FI didn't realize they were in a relationship; no biggie, since it was our bad for not knowing she was in a relationship when we addressed invites.

We had a couple of other guests ask to bring a date other than the person we invited - Bear with me, this is confusing:

FI's BM's mom's boyfriend could not come, so she is bringing her adult daughter, who we can call Amy. Best man's brother-in-law's date backed out, so he is now bringing Amy's boyfriend as his "date". (So now, Amy and her boyfriend are coming, and our numbers did not change). Granted, these two "plus ones" are people we would have invited if we had a bigger budget, so we are totally fine with these substitutions. The only thing that irks me about it is that I want to finish the seating chart, but with all these last minute cancellations/substitutions, I don't want to have to re-do it all later.

Long story short, don't assume that addressing envelopes properly will make it clear to everyone. But also don't assume that putting the number of seats reserved will make it clear to everyone. I'm pretty sure that no matter what, there could be one guest who just doesn't get it.

MrsMack10612 · June 2015

Because we had specific guests we weren't sure would get the invitees are only those this is addressed to protocol, we actually put the names of those invited on the RSVP cards.

So it was:

Mrs. Jane Smith chicken fish beef not attending

Mr. Joe Smith chicken fish beef not attending

Perfectly acceptable.

Jen4948 · June 2015

Knottie59019565 said:

Is it ok to add a line about the number of seats reserved for guests on the rsvp card? FI really wants to add it, but I am against it. He doesn't want there to be any confusion about who is invited. I think addressing the envelopes correctly will ensure that people know who is invited. Thoughts?

There's no etiquette requirement against the wording your FI wants to use, but unfortunately, addressing the envelopes correctly doesn't prevent confusion or senses of entitlement on the parts of people who don't understand the rules of envelope addressing. If he thinks that it's necessary because people from his side have a tendency to get confused or to make assumptions that they can bring people not listed on the envelope, it may be helpful. But if you use it and someone still RSVPs for uninvited guests, it won't eliminate the need to call them and explain that their uninvited guests can't be accommodated at your wedding.

notoriousRBGsBFF · June 2015

Liatris2010 said:

I feel like people who are going to write in extra guests are the same people who would do this: two three seats reserved in your honor ~ We're bringing little Opal too, so hard to find a sitter on a Saturday!!

SOMEONE DID THIS AT MY WEDDING. We did the " __2__ seats are reserved" thing for my wedding after getting an RSVP for FIVE in response to an invite for two for my sister's wedding a couple years before (the couple who were invited, cousins of my dad, had two adult kids. I guess they assumed one of their kids should get a +1? No other way to make sense of an RSVP for 5 (five!).

Anyway, we do the number of seats thing at our wedding, and we were doing a no kids wedding and someone writes in 2 1/2 instead of 2 and includes the name of their kid. As though we forgot or something. We offered to pay for a babysitter, but they insisted the kid (at the time about 3) had NEVER been watched by anyone but them. Ok. So the wife stayed home with baby and only the guy came. And left early. Whatevs.

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