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help

sdm10216sdm10216 member
edited June 2015 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I'm new to the forums but I could really use some advice.  My fiance and I got engaged in December of 2013 & in August 2014 we set our date for 10/2/16.  He asked his best man (his cousin) right away and his best man was happy & accepted.  About a month ago, the best man proposed to his girlfriend.  They were originally saying they wanted summer of 2016 or 2017.  We got a call over this past weekend asking us if we are ok with them booking their wedding on Labor Day weekend of 2016 because they got a great deal (less than a month before us!).  He said he didnt want to take away from our special day.  My fiance was completely shocked & didnt know what to say.. He just said I guess its fine and they hung up.  My fiance called him back later that day & told him our concerns..
My fiance (and his cousin) have a lot of out-of-state family who will be flying in for our wedding.  The best man having his wedding so close worries us that people won't come to our & that our family will feel financially strained going to both weddings so close together (airfare, hotels, gifts, attire).  We will also have the extra stress of having to coordinate our showers/bachelor/bachelorette parties together. Also, we know the best man won't be around much before our wedding considering he will be busy with the finishing touches of his wedding & also on his honeymoon.
Our best man tried to convince my fiance its not a big deal & that everyone will come.  He said he will call his venue to see if he can get the price he got for labor day weekend on a Saturday in July 2016.  We know that is not going to happen though considering he planned to book Labor Day because it was so much cheaper than summer Saturdays.   

Are we being selfish? Is this as insulting as we think it is?  Should we try to reschedule the wedding?  I feel rude asking our family to come to our wedding with another one so close.  Any advice is welcome.  Thanks in advance.
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Re: help

  • ChemFanatic25ChemFanatic25 member
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    sdm10216 said:
    I'm new to the forums but I could really use some advice.  My fiance and I got engaged in December of 2013 & in August 2014 we set our date for 10/2/16.  He asked his best man (his cousin) right away and his best man was happy & accepted.  About a month ago, the best man proposed to his girlfriend.  They were originally saying they wanted summer of 2016 or 2017.  To our surprise, we got a call over this past weekend asking us if we are ok with them booking their wedding on Labor Day weekend of 2016 because they got a great deal (less than a month before us!).  He said he didnt want to take away from our special day.  My fiance was completely shocked & didnt know what to say.. He just said I guess its fine and they hung up.  My fiance called him back later that day (after I stopped crying)  & told him our concerns..
    My fiance (and his cousin) have a lot of out-of-state family who will be flying in for our wedding.  The best man having his wedding so close worries us that people won't come to our & that our family will feel financially strained going to both weddings so close together (airfare, hotels, gifts, attire).  We will also have the extra stress of having to coordinate our showers/bachelor/bachelorette parties together.  I'm very shy but I was slowly coming around to the idea of this being 'our time.'  We felt like we were punched in the gut when they booked their wedding so close.  Also, we know the best man won't be around much before our wedding considering he will be busy with the finishing touches of his wedding & also on his honeymoon.
    Our best man basically just tried to convince my fiance its not a big deal & that everyone will come.  He said he will call his venue to see if he can get the price he got for labor day weekend on a Saturday in July 2016.  We pretty much know that is not going to happen though considering he planned to book Labor Day because it was so much cheaper than summer Saturdays.   

    Are we being selfish? Is this as insulting as we think it is?  Should we try to reschedule the wedding we had planned for so long?  Any advice is welcome.  Thanks in advance.
    JIC
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  • ChemFanatic25ChemFanatic25 member
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    I also want to jump in and say that if you are concerned about people choosing between one wedding and another due to the short time between the two - this can also happen if there is more than one wedding in a single year not even a month. Some people may have the vacation/funds and some may not - so they will decide where they best want to put that vacation/funds. So these people you are afraid may not attend because of the other wedding could possibly not attend one wedding or the other even if they booked it 6 months away. Sorry if that is confusing but basically what I'm saying is everyone is adult and can make decisions. They can decide how they want to spend there time and don't need you making the decisions for them. You need to act like an adult and realize you get one day. Yes, you and your FI will be celebrating your upcoming nuptials way before then but no one else should be expected to do the same and it is pretty selfish to expect just as much.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    You need to move on.   BIL and SIL had their wedding 3 weeks before  a cousin married his wife.   People who wanted to go to BIL and SIL's made the trip and those who couldn't make it out there didn't go.

    You can't call dibs on the season and if people aren't there, then just tell them that you missed them.    
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  • sarawifenowsarawifenow member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    Ditto PPs.

     

    Also it is rude to edit content of your OP to take out and change sentences. It is also pointless since you were quoted and everyone can see what you said anyway.

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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    sdm10216 said:
    I'm new to the forums but I could really use some advice.  My fiance and I got engaged in December of 2013 & in August 2014 we set our date for 10/2/16.  Set a date as in put down deposits and signed contracts on a venue, or just pulled a date out of your ass and decided you wanted to get married on that date?  For the benefit of any lurkers, you don't have a wedding date until you have signed a contract with a venue and put down deposits.  He asked his best man (his cousin) right away and his best man was happy & accepted.  About a month ago, the best man proposed to his girlfriend.  They were originally saying they wanted summer of 2016 or 2017.  We got a call over this past weekend asking us if we are ok with them booking their wedding on Labor Day weekend of 2016 because they got a great deal (less than a month before us!).  That was nice of him, I guess, but 100% unnecessary.  He doesn't need your permission or blessing to choose a wedding date that works for his FI and himself.  You get ONE day when you get married, everyone gets ONE day.  You can't claim an entire year or a season as off limits for others to get married, that's ridiculous.  He said he didnt want to take away from our special day.  YOU GET ONE DAY.  He's not even getting married on the same day as you guys.  My fiance was completely shocked & didnt know what to say.. He just said I guess its fine and they hung up.  My fiance called him back later that day & told him our concerns.  Shock?  Concerns?  WTF? 
    My fiance (and his cousin) have a lot of out-of-state family who will be flying in for our wedding.  The best man having his wedding so close worries us that people won't come to our & that our family will feel financially strained going to both weddings so close together (airfare, hotels, gifts, attire).  Yep, speaking as a person who had like 4 weddings to attend- all OOT- in the same year as my own, it does suck for family when they have multiple weddings close together, especially if you are OOT.  But unless you are willing to move your wedding date, there's nothing that can be done about it except for you and your FI to get your STDs out right now, before his cousin does.  And then you just have to come to terms with the fact that you might have a lot of declines, but that's just the way it goes.  We will also have the extra stress of having to coordinate our showers/bachelor/bachelorette parties together.   That shouldn't really be a big deal.  Also, we know the best man won't be around much before our wedding considering he will be busy with the finishing touches of his wedding & also on his honeymoon.  He doesn't need to be around for anything prior to your actual ceremony.  All he needs to do is show up, on time, properly dressed.  Those are the only obligations of anyone in the wedding party.
    Our best man tried to convince my fiance its not a big deal & that everyone will come.  He said he will call his venue to see if he can get the price he got for labor day weekend on a Saturday in July 2016.  We know that is not going to happen though considering he planned to book Labor Day because it was so much cheaper than summer Saturdays.   

    Are we being selfish?   Yes.  Is this as insulting as we think it is?  It's not insulting at all. Should we try to reschedule the wedding?  If this is such a big deal to you, then yes.  I feel rude asking our family to come to our wedding with another one so close.  Any advice is welcome.  Thanks in advance.
    Like I said above, your only options are to move your own wedding date or to just send out your STDs 1st and then come to terms with the fact that you might get a higher decline rate than you normally would.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    I don't understand why you edited your post.  You were quoted so everything that you removed that you now don't want seen, can still be seen.  Own your words and your thoughts.  You came on here and asked for advice and that is what you got.  If everyone tells you that the sky is blue, but you keep saying it is red, you may want to reconsider your view point.

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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Everyone else is right. My suggestion is to simply get to work on Save the Dates. Send them out perhaps 9 months or so ahead of your wedding date (next February or so). If your date is set, you can start mentioning it to family and friends who you know will be invited: "Woo! After over a year of engagement, we set a date!" 
    A lot can still happen between now and October 2016, so just be sure to wait on choosing remaining bridal party members (relationships change), be judicious in who gets STDs (save the dates), and have fun planning! It's fun to share engagements with loved ones because you get to bounce ideas off each other and whatnot.  
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  • cupcait927cupcait927 member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Holy overreaction, batman. There is absolutely no reason to be upset about this, particularly not to the point of tears and feeling like you "were punched in the gut". You really need to take a step back and think about what's important here. Your FI's cousin is engaged - that's wonderful! Try and think about how happy they are right now, and appreciate the fact that they were concerned about your feelings. Misplaced concern, but still very thoughtful of them. There is absolutely no reason for either party to change their wedding date. Congratulate the happy couple, be excited about the fact that you can all bounce ideas off of each other during the planning process, and move on. 
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
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    I really don't understand the problem. Everyone has other friends and family, and it's impossible to coordinate with everyone's schedules. My sister was in a wedding one week after mine, and she couldn't go to the other bride's shower because my shower was the same day as hers.

    My friend couldn't go to my wedding because she was invited to 3 (!) on the same day, and she obviously picked her husband's brother's wedding over mine and the other one.

    My husband's friend couldn't go to our wedding because it was his daughter's birthday.

    When you choose your wedding date, it is advised that you double check it with VIPs. Usually this includes parents, siblings, grandparents and best friends. I think as long as your VIPs can come, that's all you should worry about. Other people may decide not to come based on other factors than a wedding a month prior.

    Also, there is no reason you husband's cousin has to be "around" the weeks prior to you wedding. Many people have out of town wedding party members and don't see them until the rehearsal.


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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    As annoying as it can be when someone close to you schedules their wedding that close to your own, it's their prerogative.  That day may be the only time that works for them.  It's most likely not meant as an insult to you at all; and even if it is, rising above it and being happy for them, no matter how inconvenient you think it is, is the best way to deal.

    You get to decide when your wedding will be, but you don't get to make that decision for anyone else.  Hopefully the relatives who have already RSVPd for your wedding will still come.


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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    huskypuppy14 said:

    Also, there is no reason you husband's cousin has to be "around" the weeks prior to you wedding. Many people have out of town wedding party members and don't see them until the rehearsal.


    Yup, my sister was my MOH and she didn't come into town until an hour before our rehearsal. Then she and her husband and my niece left early the day after my wedding.  I didn't even have a chance to say bye.  But she only had so much time off from work and had to get back home.

    What couples who are hypnotized by the wedding industry fail to recognize is that people have lives that they still need to live even if you are getting married.

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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    Yes, you are being selfish, and yes you need to get over it.

    The fact that you are crying and feeling like you've been punched in the gut worries me. It would be normal to be a little bummed that some family might not make it, but your reaction is very extreme. Chill. 

    Most everyone goes through a period where they have several weddings each year for a while. I went to three weddings in four weeks this spring, two OOT. It's just part of life. Even if you moved your wedding to a different year, you'd probably still have another friend or family member who gets married around the same time. That's why you get one day, not one season or one year. 
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  • madamerwinmadamerwin member
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    huskypuppy14 said:


    When you choose your wedding date, it is advised that you double check it with VIPs. Usually this includes parents, siblings, grandparents and best friends. I think as long as your VIPs can come, that's all you should worry about. Other people may decide not to come based on other factors than a wedding a month prior.

    Also, there is no reason you husband's cousin has to be "around" the weeks prior to you wedding. Many people have out of town wedding party members and don't see them until the rehearsal.


    I agree with all of this. My MOH is in grad school in Australia, and she won't be getting in to town until a couple of days before our wedding. Which is fine! I'm just happy I will get a few days to hang out with her before the craziness starts!

    My sister is getting married 7 weeks after me, and we knew that that meant some family members would not be able to attend both weddings (though for all we know, they might not have been able to attend both regardless of when the weddings were). Seriously - it's not a big deal. Grown ups are capable of choosing whether to spend their time and money attending two weddings, or choosing which to attend if they can't do both. We know that a couple of our relatives will only be at my wedding, and a couple will only be at my sister's wedding. At least it means we both get to see all of them at some point!

    Just make sure your VIPs have your wedding date in their calendars, and sent out your STDs nine months ahead. 
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  • dbartnessdbartness member
    Fourth Anniversary First Comment
    My cousin is getting married 2 weeks after me. Yes some of our family can't come to mine but are going to his and vice versa.

    I get my day and he gets his day. And I am excited to attend his wedding and am happy for him.

    Stop worrying everything will work out!
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  • ginnybinny17ginnybinny17 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    Why is it a concern that the best man will be busy and therefore won't "be around much" before your wedding?  Why does he need to be around?


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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Our entire WP was OOT from us and the location.     We were OOT ourselves from the location.

    I saw my BM's at my shower 3 months out.  I didn't see any of them until 1-2 days before the wedding.  We showed up to the wedding destination 3 days out.  Some of the WP members showed up 2 days out (their choice).  The rest of them showed up a few hours before the RD, which was the day before.


    I've been in OOT weddings before.  Often I showed up a few days to a week before the wedding.   

    I can't for the life of me understand the mindset that WP members have to be around in the weeks or months before a wedding.







    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • SP29SP29 member
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    edited June 2015
    Agreed.

    Yes, you are overreacting about this. You get one day, the BM can have his wedding any day he and his FI like.

    Besides not being on the same day, there's nothing to coordinate for pre-wedding parties, and really not a big deal. These are parties that someone else *offers* to host for you. A bachelor or bachelorette party is usually within a couple weeks of the wedding, so *if* you have one, it'll probably be after their wedding has happened. A shower *if* you have one, would be before their wedding, and that is one afternoon. 

    The bridal party does not have any jobs. The only job is that the BM show up the day of, relatively sober, in the agreed upon attire. Him getting married shouldn't affect that at all. He's an adult who can order his suit and make sure he gets it on time. He doesn't need to be "around".

    As for your guests- well that may happen that some will go to one wedding over the other, but that happens anyway. Maybe these OOT guests have some other wedding to go to and can't come to either of your weddings. It happens. Let adults be adults and decide for themselves. 

    I mean, I *guess* you could change your wedding date, but why? I assumed you picked it for a reason. I wouldn't throw away contracts or put yourself in a poor financial situation because you've decided to move the wedding up several months. 

    You can send out STDs a bit earlier, but be careful with this. Only VIPs should get STDs, as anyone who receives a STD must get an invitations. As has happened on here before, some people create a guest list that fills their max budget or venue capacity, sends STDs to ALL of them, and then when they are actually ready to send invitations, realize they have made some new friends and are trying to find ways to "politely" B-list these friends because they want them there but have no room on the guest list. 

    Anyway, DEEP BREATH. You are good. 


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  • pinupbride6189pinupbride6189 member
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    I've mentioned this in other discussions, but my cousin, my sister, and I all got engaged around the same time. My cousin set her date in February, I set my date in April, and then my little sister, who got engaged a few weeks after me, set her date for March, so about 4-5 weeks before mine.  So that's 3 family weddings (2 immediate family weddings) in 3 months. My cousin's and my sister's wedding are local to most of our family, but mine is out of town for everyone. Will some people not be able to come to mine that went to the other two? Almost definitely. Am I in the least bit upset? Not at all. I'll still get to see them at the other two, and I still get to marry the love of my life in the presence of people that are special to me. What on earth is there to cry about in any of that? 

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  • novella1186novella1186 member
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    I hope you read all these posts, OP, and take some time to re-think this. 

    Getting upset over the other person's date and complaining to them about it wasn't fair, and wasn't a cool thing to do. You should apologize to him, and then congratulate him on his up-coming wedding. 

    Two of H's best friends got engaged about a year after us. They both planned their weddings for the same season as ours. This did not detract from our wedding in any way. If anything, it added to the excitement because then I could talk to the other two girls about their plans and whatnot. In fact, one of the engaged guys still planned an awesome bachelor party for H, which was all about H, and they all had a great time. 

    And add me to the list of people whose bridesmaids were all out of town, so I hardly saw any of them at all leading up to the wedding, most of them did not make it to my bach party or shower, we did not go dress shopping together (they all picked their own dress), and they didn't help me with anything. This is fine, because I'm not medieval royalty who requires attendants all around them at all times. I'm an adult who planned my wedding with the help of my H in the midst of our lives and our friends lives continuing on as usual. See how that works? 

    Other people have lives. The whole world is not going to stop and wait for you to have your big "special time" and it's very odd that you would want it to. 
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary
    edited June 2015
    I don't understand how your Fi's best friend's wedding could take away from your own? It's not like this is an immediate or extended family member.   Do you have the same families on both sides?  The exact same friends?  Probably not.......so, this really isn't a big deal.  

    We've had 4 weddings (including my own) on one side of my family this year.  I never once felt that anyone has taken anything away from me.   It's been a huge sacrifice to everyone on this side of the family to attend all these weddings (in addition to the showers and other pre parties) in such a short time period, but it's working out.  

    If you truly feel like you're inconveniencing people, then change your date.  Like I said, my family has 4 weddings this year.   One side of my family (we're talking like 65 people....not 10 or 15)  are sort of stressed about all these wedding so close together.  Of course, they want to be there for everyone.   I was the first to get engaged/schedule my wedding; however, if I were one of the last, I would have waited a few months or even a year to have my wedding.   That has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with my family and wanting to make their lives easier.     

    If you want to change your date, make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.  Like making things better for your guests, and not because you want your own special "our time" 
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    ohannabelle said:
    This is the greatest tragedy I've heard about since Kourtney  Kardashian borrowed Kim's mascara without asking.
    No wonder you were sobbing.

    What kind of God would allow this?
    And because of this.... people in my meeting are staring at me because I laughed out loud.
    *********************************************************************************

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  • delujm0delujm0 member
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    One of my BMs got married two weeks before me, even though i set my date first.  I gave zero fucks.  She made sure she was home from her honeymoon in time to stand up in my wedding, and that's all that mattered.  This is in no way a big deal.

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