Help Please!

Knottie84835214 · June 2015

We are having an adults only ceremony and reception. Our adult requirements are ages 18 and over. Our save the date and wedding website indicated our requirement. Someone in my family suggested for a teenager to attend without checking with me first. I was just caught off guard when they mentioned that she was attending. I had a quick discussion with my family member that we are having an adults only ceremony and reception and that the only children allowed are those who are part of the wedding party (ring bearer, flower girls, jr. hostess, and jr. ushers). She then suggested for the teenager to be added to my wedding party as a jr. hostess. I told her that I would discuss with my fiance because I don't think it's fair for me to make an exception for this one but can't make an exception for others. How should I proceed with this situation.... Please help with providing your thoughts and suggestions.

novella1186 · June 2015

Knottie84835214 said:

We are having an adults only ceremony and reception. Our adult requirements are ages 18 and over. Our save the date and wedding website indicated our requirement. Someone in my family suggested for a teenager to attend without checking with me first. I was just caught off guard when they mentioned that she was attending. I had a quick discussion with my family member that we are having an adults only ceremony and reception and that the only children allowed are those who are part of the wedding party (ring bearer, flower girls, jr. hostess, and jr. ushers). She then suggested for the teenager to be added to my wedding party as a jr. hostess. I told her that I would discuss with my fiance because I don't think it's fair for me to make an exception for this one but can't make an exception for others. How should I proceed with this situation.... Please help with providing your thoughts and suggestions.

You should not put anything regarding "adults only" in writing. But I guess that ship has sailed. And side note, what the hell is a hostess?

Next time it comes up, just say, "I'm sorry but we are not able to accommodate little Susie."

TrixieJess · June 2015

Have you sent out your invitations? Your invitations should be absolutely clear on who is invited, then you can say, "I'm sorry Jane was not invited. We are not making exceptions."

kaos16 · June 2015

Knottie84835214 said:

We are having an adults only ceremony and reception. Our adult requirements are ages 18 and over. Our save the date and wedding website indicated our requirement. Someone in my family suggested for a teenager to attend without checking with me first. I was just caught off guard when they mentioned that she was attending. I had a quick discussion with my family member that we are having an adults only ceremony and reception and that the only children allowed are those who are part of the wedding party (ring bearer, flower girls, jr. hostess, and jr. ushers). She then suggested for the teenager to be added to my wedding party as a jr. hostess. I told her that I would discuss with my fiance because I don't think it's fair for me to make an exception for this one but can't make an exception for others. How should I proceed with this situation.... Please help with providing your thoughts and suggestions.

I now need to know what a hostess is and a jr. hostess. . . . in my head i'm going to something that isn't an honor in the slightest.

[Deleted User] · June 2015

No one is allowed to invite anyone other than the couple (and maybe anyone that's paying). Is this person paying? If not, then they don't have the right. As PP have suggestions, unless they receive a formal invitations, they aren't truly invited. In the event that doesn't stop them from still thinking the teen is invited you have options.

You have two options here:

#1: Call up this family member and express your concerns regarding them inviting others. Ask that they call up this other family member and explain that they invited them without consulting the couple.

#2: Call up the parents of the teenager and explain that Ms/Mr. Family Member was unaware that you could not invite their son. Let them know that you're sorry for the confusion, but you never mentioned that this person could be invited.

If anyone questions why you can't invite the teenager, you just say your guest list is finalized and you can't accommodate anyone else. You don't explain further.

madamerwin · June 2015

Knottie84835214 said:

We are having an adults only ceremony and reception. Our adult requirements are ages 18 and over. Our save the date and wedding website indicated our requirement. Someone in my family suggested for a teenager to attend without checking with me first. I was just caught off guard when they mentioned that she was attending. I had a quick discussion with my family member that we are having an adults only ceremony and reception and that the only children allowed are those who are part of the wedding party (ring bearer, flower girls, jr. hostess, and jr. ushers). She then suggested for the teenager to be added to my wedding party as a jr. hostess. I told her that I would discuss with my fiance because I don't think it's fair for me to make an exception for this one but can't make an exception for others. How should I proceed with this situation.... Please help with providing your thoughts and suggestions.

What is this? I have never heard of junior ushers, let alone a junior hostess. Junior hostess sounds to me like a nice way of saying she's your bitch for the day.

As for this family member, I would just say "I am sorry, the invitation was just for you and your SO." You should not have put anything about age requirements on your STD or website, but that ship has sailed.

Knottie84835214 · June 2015

My Fiance has a couple of Nephews and Nieces that I had to include in our wedding. They are basically helpers for the Adult Ushers and Adult Hostesses that will help with the wedding guests (escorting to seats, greeting guests, handing out programs, and etc)

Jen4948 · June 2015

What exactly is a jr. hostess (or a hostess) and a jr. usher?

Kids don't like being called "jr." anything. It feels condescending to them, not inclusive or special (in a good way).

And nothing about age requirements belonged on your save-the-date or website.

That said, you can tell this relative, "I'm sorry, but only you and your SO are included in the invitation. We cannot accommodate Teen Child."

kaos16 · June 2015

So is a hostess a female usher? How many people could you possibly have to seat that you require so many assistants to accomplish the task?!

novella1186 · June 2015

kaos16 said:

So is a hostess a female usher? How many people could you possibly have to seat that you require so many assistants to accomplish the task?!

We didn't have any ushers (or hostesses???) at our wedding. And the really weird thing is, everyone sat down. How did they know what to do?!

Knottie84835214 · June 2015

A hostess is basically a female usher. Also, we do not have a large guest list... about 175. We had to give my Fiance's nieces and nephews a role in the wedding because they have to be there. We will have about 7 children at the wedding already but they are immediate family members.

novella1186 · June 2015

Knottie84835214 said:

A hostess is basically a female usher. Also, we do not have a large guest list... about 175. We had to give my Fiance's nieces and nephews a role in the wedding because they have to be there. We will have about 7 children at the wedding already but they are immediate family members.

You're not required to give children a role in order for them to be invited. If they're immediate family members, they can be the exception to the "no kids" thing (it's like inviting in circles).

Pretty much no matter how you go about it, someone will get bent out of joint because their precious little Timmy wasn't on the guest list or wasn't included in a "role" or whatever.

But all these jr titles seem silly and unnecessary IMO.

MyNameIsNot · June 2015

Knottie84835214 said:

My Fiance has a couple of Nephews and Nieces that I had to include in our wedding. They are basically helpers for the Adult Ushers and Adult Hostesses that will help with the wedding guests (escorting to seats, greeting guests, handing out programs, and etc)

That's not what a hostess is. Hosts and hostesses are the people who throw the wedding. They issue the invitation, collect RSVPs, sometimes pay, etc. The hostess is usually the bride and/or mothers.

The ushers escort guests at the ceremony. Ushers do not have to be male. Asking someone to hand out programs is a slap in the face, no matter who they are. Asking someone to help someone else pass out programs is absurd.

madamerwin · June 2015

Knottie84835214 said:

A hostess is basically a female usher. Also, we do not have a large guest list... about 175. We had to give my Fiance's nieces and nephews a role in the wedding because they have to be there. We will have about 7 children at the wedding already but they are immediate family members.

False. You are within your rights to invite children in circles, and immediate family is a clear distinction - basically, you could have chosen to invite immediate family member's children, but no one else. You don't have to make up roles to justify inviting your nieces and nephews.

pinupbride6189 · June 2015

Ditto what PPs have said.

Also, not that there's much point now since it's on your STDs, but if you haven't already ordered your invitations, do not have the words, "Adults Only," or, " No Children," or anything to that effect printed on them. It's terribly tacky and rude.

ETA: You should probably take it off of your website too...

Jen4948 · June 2015

Knottie84835214 said:

A hostess is basically a female usher. Also, we do not have a large guest list... about 175. We had to give my Fiance's nieces and nephews a role in the wedding because they have to be there. We will have about 7 children at the wedding already but they are immediate family members.

You were neither required to invite them nor give them roles.

Maggie0829 · June 2015

Knottie84835214 said:

A hostess is basically a female usher. Also, we do not have a large guest list... about 175. We had to give my Fiance's nieces and nephews a role in the wedding because they have to be there. We will have about 7 children at the wedding already but they are immediate family members.

PP have covered everything else. But I would just like to point out that 175 person guest list is pretty large. Unless all you are used to are 300+ guests at weddings.

thisismynickname2 · June 2015

I think you're confusing hostess for a wedding with hostess for a restaurant. A hostess at a restaurant seats people, but a host/ess of wedding is the one throwing the entire event.

Anywho, just put your foot down.

If you are worried about uninvited guests, pop on over to Invites board for guidance on how to appropriately address envelopes to designate precisely who's invited, and how to word RSVP cards so it's more obvious how many seats are reserved in their honor.

Heffalump · June 2015

http://brandedskies.com/i/wings/bma-02.jpg

VerizonGirl · June 2015

If your parents' names are on the top line of your invitation, then they handle any questions or problems with the guests that they are requesting to attend.

Jen4948 · June 2015

VerizonGirl said:
If your parents' names are on the top line of your invitation, then they handle any questions or problems with the guests that they are requesting to attend.

In practical terms, this is not always the best thing to do. The guests in question, especially if they are personal friends of one or both of the couple or are from the groom's side, may not even be acquainted with the bride's parents. And the parents are not always even listed.

Nor does their names being on the invitation take any of this responsibility away from the couple, especially if the couple are themselves also hosts and/or their parents names are listed only as a courtesy (which we generally don't advise anyway).

And finally, the couple are presumably adults who can solve their own problems without running to their parents to clear them up.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2015

There are 3 of these threads now, all on the 1st page here. ><

Doesn't anyone lurk or use the search function!

Knottie84835214 said:

We are having an adults only ceremony and reception. Our adult requirements are ages 18 and over. Ugh! Arbitrary age cut offs are arbitrary. You run the risk of splitting families when you do this. Our save the date and wedding website indicated our requirement. Ugh! This is tacky and very rude. You never indicate who is NOT invited to an event, you simply invite whom you want to invite and leave it at that. Someone in my family suggested for a teenager to attend without checking with me first. I was just caught off guard when they mentioned that she was attending. I had a quick discussion with my family member that we are having an adults only ceremony and reception and that the only children allowed are those who are part of the wedding party (ring bearer, flower girls, jr. hostess, and jr. ushers). She then suggested for the teenager to be added to my wedding party as a jr. hostess. Who is this teen? Is she an immediate family member? Are you splitting her up from the rest of her family in that she has older siblings that will be attending? I told her that I would discuss with my fiance because I don't think it's fair for me to make an exception for this one but can't make an exception for others. How should I proceed with this situation.... Please help with providing your thoughts and suggestions.

OK, 1st of all you are NOT having an adult's only event. You are clearly having multiple children in your WP and in attendance of your wedding. That's ok, but it often creates drama, as you are now experiencing.

My suggestion is to either have a truly adult event, with no children in the wedding party, or to invite children. That really helps to minimize the drama and butthurt. So for instance, children in the wedding party only, or children in the WP and immediate family, but no cousins' kids or co workers' kids.

Arbitrary age cut offs are just that, arbitrary, and run the risk of splitting up families, despite what the technical etiquette "rule" is, so don't do that. For instance, your brother has kids that are 20, 18, 16, and 5. People on this board will tell you it's perfectly correct etiquette to invite your brother and his wife, the 20 year old and the 18 year old since they are adults and get a separate invitation, and not invite the 16 year old or the 5 year old. I think that's totally absurd and is THE definition of splitting up a family.

You do not have to include this teen in your WP, nor do you have to invite her, but if she is immediate family or if she has other siblings that are already invited, then I'd invite her too. This would not be a hill I'd die on, all over what amounts to an etiquette technicality.

tfmrserwin said:

Knottie84835214 said:

A hostess is basically a female usher. Also, we do not have a large guest list... about 175. We had to give my Fiance's nieces and nephews a role in the wedding because they have to be there. We will have about 7 children at the wedding already but they are immediate family members.

False. You are within your rights to invite children in circles, and immediate family is a clear distinction - basically, you could have chosen to invite immediate family member's children, but no one else. You don't have to make up roles to justify inviting your nieces and nephews.

I consider neices and nephews immediate family, since they are the children of my siblings. Aunts, uncles, cousins and children of cousins are extended family.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2015

VerizonGirl said:

If your parents' names are on the top line of your invitation, then they handle any questions or problems with the guests that they are requesting to attend.

You've said this twice now, and just because a couple lists their parents' names on their invitations does NOT mean the parents are actually hosting the event or handling the invitations.

We paid for and hosted our own wedding, but we listed both parents' names on the invitations in the traditional manner out of respect for them and because we wanted to. But they had nothing to do with handling the invitations.

madamerwin · June 2015

tfmrserwin said:

Knottie84835214 said:

A hostess is basically a female usher. Also, we do not have a large guest list... about 175. We had to give my Fiance's nieces and nephews a role in the wedding because they have to be there. We will have about 7 children at the wedding already but they are immediate family members.

False. You are within your rights to invite children in circles, and immediate family is a clear distinction - basically, you could have chosen to invite immediate family member's children, but no one else. You don't have to make up roles to justify inviting your nieces and nephews.

I consider neices and nephews immediate family, since they are the children of my siblings. Aunts, uncles, cousins and children of cousins are extended family.

As do I - not sure why I was quoted? Mentioned "Immediate family member's children" (i.e. nieces and nephews) as immediate family...

SP29 · June 2015

1) While it is perfectly fine to not have kids at your wedding, do not list "Adults Only" anywhere. It is rude to say who isn't invited.

2) You have said adults only, but you are inviting SOME children. Which is FINE- but, now you've created some drama, because you've broken your own rule, so now people say, "Oh, look, Susy and Johnny are invited, so maybe my kid can come".

3) As long as you are not splitting up social units or families, you can invite whoever you want, or not invite whoever you want. If you want to invite EVERYONE's kids, you can. If you want to invite only immediate children in the family you can. However, it is recommended to invite in circles as this decreases the drama.

4) You do not need to give the children a role in order to invite them to your wedding. Invite them because you want them there. Which is fine.

5) You do not need to explain yourself to your guests about why you have or have not invited a certain person. Just be clear on your invitation who is invited- this means addressing those invited directly (not saying who isn't invited). On your RSVP you could also put "___ seats have been reserved for you" and write the number of guests in, if you are very worried. Or "Please put your initials by your meal choice" if you have options.

6) Arbitrary age limits suck. As you will see it puts you into a bind about possibly breaking up a family (yes, technically you can invite the adults of a family only, with separate invitations, but personally I'd invite the whole family or none of the children). It also then makes it look like you're making exceptions if you invite an adult first cousin but not a teenage first cousin. Again- you are free to invite or not invite whoever you want, but when you start making up rules and conditions it creates awkward situations that look like exceptions, and also makes your guests think they can work around those rules.

7) As for this teenager, call up the invited guests and tell them, "I am sorry Aunt Sally but the invitation was only your for you and Uncle John. We are unable to accommodate Jen". And leave it be.

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