Life can be hard

lovemesomemonster · June 2015

Could use some support from the community. I'm not a military fiance but it feels like it most of the time. My fiance leaves every year for 6 or 7 months at a time and we have done this since the first year which was 6.5yrs ago. I used to live next to an air force family and they took me in as one of the military wives, but since I have moved I feel like I don't have anyone. He is working his butt off to make sure we have a secure future and a beautiful house to live in, but some days I feel like I would take no future security and a shack just so I could be with him. I put on a brave face to all of my friends but sometimes it just sucks not being able to hold him for so long.

I want to thank you ladies for all of the distraction you have provided and giving me the strength to look forward to our wedding and future.

I hope everyone else is having a great day but if you need to vent please feel free to do so on this thread. Sometimes we need an outlet, and maybe the interwebs can help with that!

luckya23 · June 2015

That must be so tough! Is there an end in sight to this arrangement? I don't think I could handle it otherwise.

Sometimes it's lonely enough with FI working nights! Not so much on a nightly basis, but he works every Sunday and there are certain things and various things he will never be able to attend because of his crazy schedule.

My day was ROUGH. My older dog was in a ton of pain, I took her in and found out she seems to have Intervertebral Disc Disease (IVDD), which whoever heard of, but my last dog also had! She's in rough shape, but all they can really do is give meds and rest and see if it heals and she regains function in her legs.

Then I went to let the other dog out just now, and she broke the tether and ran off! I was chasing her through backyards - holy shit am I out of shape! She's black so I couldn't see a thing, luckily I could hear her collar and eventually caught up to her.

Is this day over yet???

ETA: My poor girl had to come home on a stretcher. :-(

CMGragain · June 2015

If this is a permanent future lifestyle, you might want to seriously consider if you want this kind of future. You sound as if you want things to change. How does your FI feel about this?
When you marry someone, they come with baggage. My husband's job dictated that we live near Washington, DC for 33 years. I would have preferred another part of the country with less crime, pollution, and lower cost of living, but this was the terms I had to accept to marry my DH. Before he married me, he was engaged to another lady who was not willing to accept this. She broke it off, and I was the winner! Never regretted it for a minute!
Are YOU willing to accept a lifetime of long separations? This can get harder when you have children who miss their father. Think carefully about this, please. I currently live in a town out west with a high divorce rate - Daddy is in the N.D. oilfields making money, while Mom holds down the home and kids. It is very hard.
Of course, there are many couples who do make long separations work. We are fortunate to live in an age of cellular telephones and SKYPE. Just be certain that you are willing to do this for a long time. Don't expect him to change after marriage. Good luck!

natswild · June 2015

FI and I both work in the oilfield in Alberta, for different companies. In the 5 years that we've been together, we have spent long periods apart. Very often when I'm on days off, he's working, when he's on days off, I'm working...currently he's at home and I'm in a staff house 2 hours away. At the end of the week, we'll both be home, but working opposite shifts, and since we both work 12+ hours every day, we still won't see each other. Last year was the worst for not seeing each other, we figured we spent MAYBE 6 weeks together total throughout the entire year. This spring, when we spent a month together traveling across Canada to spend time with his family, that was the longest time we'd spent together at one time, where we were both not working.

It sucks, and it's tough to get through, but it is also worth it to us, because we make the time we do have together count, and enjoy every minute of it. It really helped that when we met, I had previously worked in the oilfield, and knew very well what schedules are like. (When we met, I had been out of the oilfield a while, and went back to it 2 years after we met.)

And, if you feel like having a chat, you can always drop me a PM

Maggie0829 · June 2015

So he is away for half a year every year? Is this a permanent thing? Would moving to where he goes be a possibility or does he go somewhere different each year?

Like PP said, I couldn't handle that setup, especially if I know that it would be like that until he retired.

novella1186 · June 2015

I'm sorry. That sounds like such a tough situation. H and I were long distance when we met (but only a 4-hour drive apart) and sometimes we had to go a couple weeks without seeing each other which was always really hard. I can't even imagine having to go half a year. That's so long to be away from the person you want to be with!

I'm curious about the same thing PP asked; is this a permanent thing? Can you ever go with him? Is there a possibility of him changing positions to travel less?

randomslove · June 2015

The thing to remember is that being married to anyone, being in a relationship with anyone, has its own struggles.

My FI is active duty and I'm a veteran. We've run the gamut when it comes to relationship styles-- long distance, living together, etc. Honestly? None of them is "easier" and all of them have unique struggles. The thing to remember is that you chose this when you chose him, and being with him is worth this particular struggle. I think if you change your mentality you will feel a lot better.

The first time my FI and I spent an amount of time apart the first two weeks were the hardest. I have some issues that make it hard for me to sleep and it's even harder without him. However, by the end of the second week I decided I was going to make the most of my time alone. I bought new food for the house that I didn't eat because he preferred heartier food. I changed my daily schedule to add in more exercises and more excursions with my dog. By the time he finally made his way home, I was more positive mentally and physically than when he left and I was able to help him better settle back into life.

[Deleted User] · June 2015

I think that would be very difficult, and I can understand how it would be lonely if you fell like there is no one nearby to support you. Are there any social groups you can join to help keep you busy? Depending on your area and your hobbies, maybe you can meet some new friends through a book group or something similar. When I first started commuting far for work, I attended some "meetup" events near my office to meet new people (I ended up not moving near my job, so it didn't matter in the end, but...). Check out meetup.com and see if there are any in your area. I'm pretty horrible at socializing, but I've been able to find some cool people who are equally as awkward.

VulgarGirl · June 2015

CMGragain said:

Before he married me, he was engaged to another lady who was not willing to accept this. She broke it off, and I was the winner! Never regretted it for a minute!

Don't expect him to change after marriage. Good luck!

I'm glad you and your husband are happy and that you made the life work for you. But...she might also be considering herself a winner in her life. I mean, it's really silly to think that it was a competition or that a human being is a prize to be won. Maybe she met some great guy and married him. Or maybe she didn't marry anyone and travels a lot. Whatever. She still could've won in her own life.

But OP, CMG is right about expecting people to change post-marriage. You can't go into a marriage thinking "This is fine for now, I'll just change it once we're married", cause that's gonna lead you right to a divorce lawyer.

NowIamMrsKlein · June 2015

I am also curious about the work arrangement and if there is an 'end date' to work towards.

FI and I were long distance for a year and a half during our relationship. We got to see each other 4 days a month if we were lucky. What helped me get through it was the fact that he had an end date. He was on a contract and when that contract was up he promised that we'd move somewhere that we could be together.

Being able to work towards that goal together really helped. Instead of constantly wondering when it was going to be over, it was 'well I only have to get through 9 months I can do that. Well I only have to get through 6 months, no problem! etc.'

Definitely take advantage of skype and facetime. FI and I would set aside date nights. And we would simply each cook something similar for supper, and watch a show together while facetiming. Sounds kinda silly, but it really makes you feel like you are doing something together, and its less emotionally hard then a phonecall talking about how much you miss each other.

lovemesomemonster · June 2015

@luckya23 I'm so sorry that your pup is hurting, it is so heartbreaking to see them like that and I hope she starts to get better.

@CMGragain this year is the last year, he doesn't like the area he's working in and has already told them he won't do the long block of time anymore. We discussed the opportunity when it was offered right out of school and agreed that for a couple years it would be great for experience in his job field and we were right, it has launched his career faster than we could have expected. I would NEVER accept a proposal for marriage and expect someone to change.

Thank you everyone for the kind words, this happens every year, I get into a routine then hit a wall for a day where I hate it, then get back into my routine so things are looking up this morning and thank you for letting me get it out! Just to cover some questions a lot of you have: he is doing the ND thing, but not in the oil fields, he's in construction management. We do this because we are young and don't have kids and he makes killer money which is setting us up for the future. I don't move with him because he works 12-17hrs/day 6 or 7 days a week and lives in a trailer so it makes more sense for me to be at home to take care of the house and dog and just visit a couple times per summer.

luckya23 · June 2015

@lovemesomemonster Thank you, but she passed away in the night so she isn't suffering now.

lovemesomemonster · June 2015

luckya23 said:

@lovemesomemonster Thank you, but she passed away in the night so she isn't suffering now.

Oh my gosh, I'm so very sorry to hear that. My thoughts will be with you today

novella1186 · June 2015

luckya23 said:

@lovemesomemonster Thank you, but she passed away in the night so she isn't suffering now.

Oh no I am so so so sorry. Hugs and more hugs. It's always so hard to lose a pet

NowIAmSyp · June 2015

luckya23 said:

@lovemesomemonster Thank you, but she passed away in the night so she isn't suffering now.

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry to hear this. Thoughts and prayers- and hugs- to you

cupcait927 · June 2015

luckya23 said:

@lovemesomemonster Thank you, but she passed away in the night so she isn't suffering now.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and sending lots of hugs.

anjemon · June 2015

luckya23 said:

@lovemesomemonster Thank you, but she passed away in the night so she isn't suffering now.

Oh my gosh. That is so sad. I'm sorry for your loss. Internet hugs.

Lulawife · June 2015

luckya23 said:

@lovemesomemonster Thank you, but she passed away in the night so she isn't suffering now.

so sorry to hear that

FiancB · June 2015

This was my parents' relationship for the first 10 years or so of their marriage. My dad was a ship captain and eventually they moved and he took a different job as a pilot. We also know a lot of people that do this kind of thing working in ND since we were living in northern MN.

It sounds like you're pretty okay with it, though of course it still sucks. We all make sacrifices and I'm guessing he wouldn't be there without a super compelling reason. I know I could get an awesome job in ND in healthcare but good lord, I hate that place. Hope your DH stays safe and things work out well for you guys and you can find a different arrangement sooner than later. There comes a point where no amount of money or job security is worth being apart.

lovemesomemonster · June 2015

FiancB said:

This was my parents' relationship for the first 10 years or so of their marriage. My dad was a ship captain and eventually they moved and he took a different job as a pilot. We also know a lot of people that do this kind of thing working in ND since we were living in northern MN.

It sounds like you're pretty okay with it, though of course it still sucks. We all make sacrifices and I'm guessing he wouldn't be there without a super compelling reason. I know I could get an awesome job in ND in healthcare but good lord, I hate that place. Hope your DH stays safe and things work out well for you guys and you can find a different arrangement sooner than later. There comes a point where no amount of money or job security is worth being apart.

I'm with you on the dislike of ND (no offence to anyone who lives there and/or likes it) and FI feels the same way so he in no way wants to put down roots and having me move there would make it feel like that. This should be the last year of him being gone this long in one stretch so I'm freaking excited about that! Most of the managers at his company do a two week there, two week home thing and he will most likely move to that or find another company. We both handle it pretty well, we each tend to hit a wall once during the summer, then get over it and are fine. Just hit the 2 months gone mark so 5 to go!

climbingsingle · June 2015

luckya23 said:
@lovemesomemonster Thank you, but she passed away in the night so she isn't suffering now.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

sarahufl · June 2015

climbingwife said:

@lovemesomemonster Thank you, but she passed away in the night so she isn't suffering now.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

Aw, I'm sorry. Losing pets is so tough.

huskypuppy14 · June 2015

I'm so sorry @luckya23

Life can be hard

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