FILs driving me crazy!! :(

solsticegirl761 · June 2015

Hi Everyone!

I hope this is an okay place to post this. I don't post much on here but I really just need to vent.

My boyfriend and I are not engaged yet. I know that a proposal is coming because I accidentally found the ring. My boyfriend doesn't know that I know. We have been together for 5 years now. He is 32 and I am 35. Neither of us have been married before and we have no kids.

The issue is that my FILs are totally driving us crazy. They are constantly nagging about when are going to get married because they want a grandchild. They have actually just said they don't care if we get married or not they just want a grandchild. I stand firm that I will not be having any babies until I am married. Possibly not even then. I'm 35 and not even sure if I could even get pregnant at my age or that I even want to. I hear that it's high risk and your baby could have developmental problems if you have them after 35. They don't seem to care about me or my boyfriend. I feel like all I am nothing to them other than a oven for "their" bun. Once that bun is born they will be done with me.

My FFIL keeps saying you should just you last name legally and just not worry about getting married. I told him that was just not the same. So my FMIL says or I see it's just a business contract. Note that my boyfriend stands to receive a large inheritance and is pretty well off on his own as it is. For me it has nothing to do with the money and it never has.

I'm starting to feel like I just don't want to get married anymore mainly because once we say the I do's the when are you having a baby nagging will be out of control. My boyfriend is the only child on his mother's side. His father has 2 daughter's from a previous marriage but no son's. So I feel there is a ton of pressure on me to have a baby at my age plus it has to be a boy to carry on the family name. Definitely not getting pregnant on the honeymoon like one of the FFIL's daughter. I've tried to talk to my boyfriend about all this and while he sympathizes with me he really doesn't have much to say about it.

I really don't have anybody that I can ask advice. My mother has passed away in 2012 and I really don't have any good friends. I'm just lost and feel so alone. Anybody who has any advice or has been through a similar situation would be appreciated. Again sorry for the vent but I just need to get this out.

Thanks

hmonkey · June 2015

FILs, not FIL's

Heffalump · June 2015

solsticegirl761 said:

Hi Everyone!
I hope this is an okay place to post this. I don't post much on here but I really just need to vent.
My boyfriend and I are not engaged yet. I know that a proposal is coming because I accidentally found the ring. My boyfriend doesn't know that I know. We have been together for 5 years now. He is 32 and I am 35. Neither of us have been married before and we have no kids.
The issue is that my FIL's are totally driving us crazy. They are constantly nagging about when are going to get married because they want a grandchild. They have actually just said they don't care if we get married or not they just want a grandchild. I stand firm that I will not be having any babies until I am married. Possibly not even then. I'm 35 and not even sure if I could even get pregnant at my age or that I even want to. I hear that it's high risk and your baby could have developmental problems if you have them after 35. They don't seem to care about me or my boyfriend. I feel like all I am nothing to them other than a oven for "their" bun. Once that bun is born they will be done with me.
My FFIL keeps saying you should just you last name legally and just not worry about getting married. I told him that was just not the same. So my FMIL says or I see it's just a business contract. Note that my boyfriend stands to receive a large inheritance and is pretty well off on his own as it is. For me it has nothing to do with the money and it never has.
I'm starting to feel like I just don't want to get married anymore mainly because once we say the I do's the when are you having a baby nagging will be out of control. My boyfriend is the only child on his mother's side. His father has 2 daughter's from a previous marriage but no son's. So I feel there is a ton of pressure on me to have a baby at my age plus it has to be a boy to carry on the family name. Definitely not getting pregnant on the honeymoon like one of the FFIL's daughter. I've tried to talk to my boyfriend about all this and while he sympathizes with me he really doesn't have much to say about it.
I really don't have anybody that I can ask advice. My mother has passed away in 2012 and I really don't have any good friends. I'm just lost and feel so alone. Anybody who has any advice or has been through a similar situation would be appreciated. Again sorry for the vent but I just need to get this out.
Thanks

1. Your FILs are overstepping their bounds, big time. If it's not a baby, then it will be a second baby, or something else. None of their business.
2. It's your BF's job to shut them down--they're his parents, not yours. He needs to tell them to STFU. (Nicely. Unless they persist and he needs to be more blunt with them.)
3. Don't discuss wedding/family plans with them. "Oh, we haven't decided yet. Have you tried this bean dip? I need to get the recipe!" If they continue to be obnoxious, leave.
4. (It doesn't necessarily have to be a boy to carry on the family name, but that's putting the cart way ahead of the horse, anyway.)
5. After 35, there is a gradually elevated risk of pregnancy complications: it doesn't suddenly jump on your 35th birthday, and the vast majority of women giving birth after 35 will have healthy babies. (Conversely, you can have fertility or developmental issues regardless of maternal age.) This doesn't have anything to do with your FILs' bad behavior, but I wanted to mention it, since you brought it up in your post.

KatWAG · June 2015

Why isn't your bf speaking up during these conversations?

solsticegirl761 · June 2015

Oops...corrected. Thanks!

ShesSoCold · June 2015

One word - boundaries. You need to talk to your BF about the boundaries you two will set with his family. You need to be a united front here.

This will only get worse after this hypothetical baby is born and then they're even further lodged in your ass about how you raise it. Boundaries now are super important.

FWIW, my MIL is a total ass and H is her only child. My uterus is her only hope for a grandbaby. H and I don't want kids. When she whines and bitches and moans we tell her that it's really not up to her and file it under "not my problem". Done and done.

hmonkey · June 2015

i would like to know more about how you accidentally found the ring.

mrsdee15 · June 2015

Like PPs said, this is a huge boundary issue. This is really none of their business. My mom started getting on my case like 4 years ago to have babies (back when I was with a horrible ex), and I finally just told her that every time she said that, I'd add a year on to how long I was waiting. That was probably not the most mature thing to do, but I was sick of it. Boundaries just need to be set in this case.

After 35 you're considered "advanced maternal age," but that doesn't mean you can't have kids after that age (if you want to have kids). This is a good article on the subject: clicky FWIW, my parents had me at 40 and I'm my mom's only child, it's just what worked for them.

solsticegirl761 · June 2015

Heffalump said:

solsticegirl761 said:

Hi Everyone!
I hope this is an okay place to post this. I don't post much on here but I really just need to vent.
My boyfriend and I are not engaged yet. I know that a proposal is coming because I accidentally found the ring. My boyfriend doesn't know that I know. We have been together for 5 years now. He is 32 and I am 35. Neither of us have been married before and we have no kids.
The issue is that my FIL's are totally driving us crazy. They are constantly nagging about when are going to get married because they want a grandchild. They have actually just said they don't care if we get married or not they just want a grandchild. I stand firm that I will not be having any babies until I am married. Possibly not even then. I'm 35 and not even sure if I could even get pregnant at my age or that I even want to. I hear that it's high risk and your baby could have developmental problems if you have them after 35. They don't seem to care about me or my boyfriend. I feel like all I am nothing to them other than a oven for "their" bun. Once that bun is born they will be done with me.
My FFIL keeps saying you should just you last name legally and just not worry about getting married. I told him that was just not the same. So my FMIL says or I see it's just a business contract. Note that my boyfriend stands to receive a large inheritance and is pretty well off on his own as it is. For me it has nothing to do with the money and it never has.
I'm starting to feel like I just don't want to get married anymore mainly because once we say the I do's the when are you having a baby nagging will be out of control. My boyfriend is the only child on his mother's side. His father has 2 daughter's from a previous marriage but no son's. So I feel there is a ton of pressure on me to have a baby at my age plus it has to be a boy to carry on the family name. Definitely not getting pregnant on the honeymoon like one of the FFIL's daughter. I've tried to talk to my boyfriend about all this and while he sympathizes with me he really doesn't have much to say about it.
I really don't have anybody that I can ask advice. My mother has passed away in 2012 and I really don't have any good friends. I'm just lost and feel so alone. Anybody who has any advice or has been through a similar situation would be appreciated. Again sorry for the vent but I just need to get this out.
Thanks

1. Your FILs are overstepping their bounds, big time. If it's not a baby, then it will be a second baby, or something else. None of their business.
2. It's your BF's job to shut them down--they're his parents, not yours. He needs to tell them to STFU. (Nicely. Unless they persist and he needs to be more blunt with them.)
3. Don't discuss wedding/family plans with them. "Oh, we haven't decided yet. Have you tried this bean dip? I need to get the recipe!" If they continue to be obnoxious, leave.
4. (It doesn't necessarily have to be a boy to carry on the family name, but that's putting the cart way ahead of the horse, anyway.)
5. After 35, there is a gradually elevated risk of pregnancy complications: it doesn't suddenly jump on your 35th birthday, and the vast majority of women giving birth after 35 will have healthy babies. (Conversely, you can have fertility or developmental issues regardless of maternal age.) This doesn't have anything to do with your FILs' bad behavior, but I wanted to mention it, since you brought it up in your post.

Thanks for the advice. Going to have to try the change the subject thing that might help. They are rather difficult to talk back to they REALLY have an attitude if you stand up to them. So you really have to careful not to tick them off. Also, they have a family business together and my boyfriend works with them in the office everyday. So if I tick them off he has o suffer in the end.

Good to know on the baby after 35 thing. I have asked my doctor and she acted like it was not a huge deal but I needed to be cautious.

hmonkey · June 2015

>Good to know on the baby after 35 thing. I have asked my doctor and she acted like it was not a huge deal but I needed to be cautious.

please be sure to mention this to your dr.

"i know you said not to worry, but i checked with the internet and the internet said it was okay, so i am sure you are right."

solsticegirl761 · June 2015

KatWAG said:

Why isn't your bf speaking up during these conversations?

Unfortunately, he really tries to avoid any confrontation with his parent's. So I guess he leaves me hanging when the subject gets brought up. He works with them everyday in the family business so he doesn't want to say anything to tick them off or they will make him miserable at work. They have beat him down all his life so he doesn't have a lot of confidence. I really want to stand up for him when they treat him bad. I have to keep my mouth shut because he's the one that suffers in the end. I tried to talk to him about things but he kind of acts like he doesn't want to talk about. He changes the subject or gets his phone out and acts like he needs to take care of something on there.

solsticegirl761 · June 2015

hmonkey said:

i would like to know more about how you accidentally found the ring.

lol yea so I have actually found it twice now. It's like he wants me to find it. First time was his gym bag. He leaves his supplement bottles out on the table so I was trying to put them back in his bag. So when I unzipped his bag there is a jewelry box right on top. Maybe I shouldn't have but I opened it and there it was. Second time I was cleaning out our closet. There were some old empty shoe boxes on a shelf. I was going to toss them. I pulled one out and right behind it was the ring box again.

solsticegirl761 · June 2015

hmonkey said:

>Good to know on the baby after 35 thing. I have asked my doctor and she acted like it was not a huge deal but I needed to be cautious.

please be sure to mention this to your dr.
"i know you said not to worry, but i checked with the internet and the internet said it was okay, so i am sure you are right."

Yea the internet only causes more worry. I don't look stuff up on this subject. It's just seems like you just end up hearing about it on the news and social media. Not saying they are correct but just seems overwhelming sometimes.

Peaseblossom55 · June 2015

I'm 35 and having my first. We get genetic testing to make sure things are ok there but otherwise there was no risk getting pregnant or anything my doctor brought to my attention.

My parents kept bugging us for a grandkid and since it was my parents. I talked to them privately said how uncomfortable it made us and me, and I asked them to stop. They did pretty much when they knew how serious I was about it. If my mom did bring it up on a phone call she did get hung up on and I in person I would bean dip and disengage, prior to the private talking to. Your BF really needs to speak with his parents about this and how uncomfortable it makes the both of you.

Jen4948 · June 2015

I think you need first to set some boundaries with your BF and insist that he enforces boundaries to be set with his parents: 1) all baby talk has to stop and 2) that you are to be treated by them with respect at all times. If he won't do that, then don't accept his ring. Because if he doesn't now, and you stay with him, he never will.

ShesSoCold · June 2015

solsticegirl761 said:

KatWAG said:

Why isn't your bf speaking up during these conversations?

Unfortunately, he really tries to avoid any confrontation with his parent's. So I guess he leaves me hanging when the subject gets brought up. He works with them everyday in the family business so he doesn't want to say anything to tick them off or they will make him miserable at work. They have beat him down all his life so he doesn't have a lot of confidence. I really want to stand up for him when they treat him bad. I have to keep my mouth shut because he's the one that suffers in the end. I tried to talk to him about things but he kind of acts like he doesn't want to talk about. He changes the subject or gets his phone out and acts like he needs to take care of something on there.

Then your problem is with your BF, not his parents (no apostrophe unless you're talking about ownership). If he's okay with and/or not willing to stand up to these people, then you need to be too, if you want this relationship to work.

justsie · June 2015

solsticegirl761 said:

KatWAG said:

Why isn't your bf speaking up during these conversations?

Unfortunately, he really tries to avoid any confrontation with his parent's. So I guess he leaves me hanging when the subject gets brought up. He works with them everyday in the family business so he doesn't want to say anything to tick them off or they will make him miserable at work. They have beat him down all his life so he doesn't have a lot of confidence. I really want to stand up for him when they treat him bad. I have to keep my mouth shut because he's the one that suffers in the end. I tried to talk to him about things but he kind of acts like he doesn't want to talk about. He changes the subject or gets his phone out and acts like he needs to take care of something on there.

Odds are this will never change about him. Just know that going into this he most likely will never stand up to his parents if you say this is how it has always been, nor should you expect him to change. Does that mean he won't? No, but you shouldn't go into a marriage looking for the things in a person that can change.

solsticegirl761 · June 2015

Thanks everyone for the advice. I'm seeing that it is more of a BF problem and the parents are more like an itchy rash on top of a sunburn . Glad I'm not alone on much of this and others have had the same problems.

hmonkey · June 2015

ww tarpon d?

MesmrEwe · June 2015

IMO...

1) You've been together 5 years, poop or get off the pot already... Tick tock - your biological clock is ticking here! (push the discussion are you heading for marriage and all things marriage planning including whether or not you BOTH want kids, finances, etc. If it's not heading in that direction, you two have some decisions to make just for your own sake nothing more nothing less ... They are not your Future In-laws yet if you aren't engaged)

2) That could be his Grandmother's ring...

3) As my OB said when I was PG with the little guy - "35 is the new 25 - the risks aren't any different given a person's age, it's their overall health that determines complication risk for the Mom, not her age.. When it comes to birth defects and such, the stats now that there's a statistically significant population to draw the stats from aren't really any different from younger women... regardless of if you do genetic testing or not, that doesn't change one thing about how your care is during the pregnancy or your L&D... yada yada..."

hmonkey · June 2015

MesmrEwe said:
1) You've been together 5 years, poop or get off the pot already... Tick tock - your biological clock is ticking here!

op, i think mesmrewe might be your fmil.

FILs driving me crazy!! :(

Re: FILs driving me crazy!! :(

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