Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Etiquette Forum
Wedding Etiquette Forum
New Discussion
Options

Darn it!

kaos16kaos16 member
First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I just found out that my friend's wedding in September is really a PPD. . . they have been secretly married for awhile now.  That makes me sad!
Report Reply to Post

Re: Darn it!

  • Options
    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Are you planning to attend this PPD?
    Report Reply
  • Options
    kaos16kaos16 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I will still attend, but i'm bummed about this knowledge.  I certainly won't be going to the shower, although I wasn't going to anyway because it's a honeyfund type shower, although it's a surprise shower so maybe she doesn't know.

    I found out because someone else was told in confidence and happened to mention it to me.  I certainly won't tell anyone else in real life because it's not my place. . . . that's what i'm blabbing here!!!
    Report Reply
  • Options
    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    How did you find out?


    I'm self-proclaimed PPD-lite.      I attended a Catholic wedding in Austria knowing the couple had a legal ceremony in the states months earlier due to immigration issues.   Austria requires separate civil and religious ceremonies anyway.

    It was all on the up and up.  No lying.  We all knew.  Plus I wanted to go to Austria anyway  :).

    If they have not told the entire guest list they are already married, I would not attend.

    If they are on the up and up and this PPD is OOT, I doubt I would attend. But maybe depending on the location.     If it's local and I'm able to attend they I would.  I like parties, what can I say.  If this party includes a cash bar, I'm not going.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    kaos16 said:
    I will still attend, but i'm bummed about this knowledge.  I certainly won't be going to the shower, although I wasn't going to anyway because it's a honeyfund type shower, although it's a surprise shower so maybe she doesn't know.

    I found out because someone else was told in confidence and happened to mention it to me.  I certainly won't tell anyone else in real life because it's not my place. . . . that's what i'm blabbing here!!!
    Well LOL, it wasn't their place to "mention" it either. I'm sure word will get around in no time. 

    Yeah, may as well party. 
    ________________________________


    Report Reply
  • Options
    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    kaos16 said:
    lyndausvi said:
    How did you find out?


    I'm self-proclaimed PPD-lite.      I attended a Catholic wedding in Austria knowing the couple had a legal ceremony in the states months earlier due to immigration issues.   Austria requires separate civil and religious ceremonies anyway.

    It was all on the up and up.  No lying.  We all knew.  Plus I wanted to go to Austria anyway  :).

    If they have not told the entire guest list they are already married, I would not attend.

    If they are on the up and up and this PPD is OOT, I doubt I would attend. But maybe depending on the location.     If it's local and I'm able to attend they I would.  I like parties, what can I say.  If this party includes a cash bar, I'm not going.
    to add:  The wedding is like 5 minutes away and a TON of fun people that I like are invited.  It also will have open bar and a is being catered by a great local caterer.  I'm tempted to give less of a gift than I usually would, because i'm bratty like that.
    Um, I wouldn't be giving any gift.  That is the consequence of lying to me.

    Report Reply
  • Options
    MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    kaos16 said:
    I just found out that my friend's wedding in September is really a PPD. . . they have been secretly married for awhile now.  That makes me sad!
    Not that it matters, but I would be curious as to why they married ahead of their event, and why they feel it necessary to lie. I am completely in "Camp Consequence". My DD is a BM in the wedding of a HS friend. My husband and I were invited as well. She was genuinely shocked that we declined the invitation, and made the mistake of asking for an explanation. I told her that to dress in "Black Tie Invited" attire for a 2:00 PM ceremony, and having to "kill time" in the city for 3+ HOURS until the 6:00 PM reception was more than inconvenient. Her response? Well, we did that at my sister's wedding........ I would NOT be attending a PPD, particularly one based on deliberate deceit.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    madamerwinmadamerwin member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    MobKaz said:
    kaos16 said:
    I just found out that my friend's wedding in September is really a PPD. . . they have been secretly married for awhile now.  That makes me sad!
    Not that it matters, but I would be curious as to why they married ahead of their event, and why they feel it necessary to lie. I am completely in "Camp Consequence". My DD is a BM in the wedding of a HS friend. My husband and I were invited as well. She was genuinely shocked that we declined the invitation, and made the mistake of asking for an explanation. I told her that to dress in "Black Tie Invited" attire for a 2:00 PM ceremony, and having to "kill time" in the city for 3+ HOURS until the 6:00 PM reception was more than inconvenient. Her response? Well, we did that at my sister's wedding........ I would NOT be attending a PPD, particularly one based on deliberate deceit.
    Ahh, my favorite excuse for poor hosting...
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    sarahuflsarahufl member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I am also PPD-lite. Just don't lie about it. I was a BM for some really good friends in their PPD ages ago and I was totally fine with it. They are a military couple and did it for the pretty standard military reasons but literally EVERYONE knew what was up. I would be pissed otherwise.

    I rarely skip events for protests due to etiquette unless it is really terrible. But I also like weddings and parties, so I pretty much just go.

    One caveat, I actually like the ceremony itself. I like watching my friends actually, you know, GET MARRIED so that part of the PPD would piss me off.
    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    ChemFanatic25ChemFanatic25 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    Honestly, (so not talking etiquette, this is just me) it wouldn't bother me if someone I wasn't to close to but close enough to be invited to their wedding was actually throwing a PPD. If it was a close friend or family I'd feel a little upset if they didn't tell me ahead of time that they were actually married but I'd still go and I'd still give a gift because I still consider them close (even if they don't if they didn't tell me about already being married). Everyone has done terrible things. This is not no the top of the list of terrible things I have experienced or know of so it wouldn't really influence my decision in attending/not attending or giving/not giving a gift (or changing the value for that matter).

     

    Hope that wasn't too confusing . . .

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    Report Reply
  • Options
    LD1970LD1970 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Without commenting on the actual issue at hand, I just want to say that no, NOT "everyone" has done terrible things.  That's a really weird presumption to make.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
    Report Reply
  • Options
    MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    ChemFanatic25 said:

    Honestly, (so not talking etiquette, this is just me) it wouldn't bother me if someone I wasn't to close to but close enough to be invited to their wedding was actually throwing a PPD. If it was a close friend or family I'd feel a little upset if they didn't tell me ahead of time that they were actually married but I'd still go and I'd still give a gift because I still consider them close (even if they don't if they didn't tell me about already being married). Everyone has done terrible things. This is not no the top of the list of terrible things I have experienced or know of so it wouldn't really influence my decision in attending/not attending or giving/not giving a gift (or changing the value for that matter).

     

    Hope that wasn't too confusing . . .

    If no one tells me they are lying, of course I would attend and give a gift.  I attend all weddings on the assumption that my dearest and nearest would not lie to me about such a significant thing.  If someone near and dear to me would deliberately LIE to me about a major event in their life, you can be sure I would be re-evaluating that relationship.  Lying has more to do with ethics, integrity, and morals than etiquette.  I can look past some etiquette faux pas, but a deliberate act of deceit?  Not so much.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    randomsloverandomslove member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Honestly, I am against PPDs if it's for any reason like taxes, benefits, and/or money that they got "legally" married separately from "the real wedding." I think it's gross to marry someone for the benefits. If you're insistent on having a "real wedding" later, but you "need" the benefits now, you should probably seriously rethink your priorities. I'm a veteran marrying an active duty service member (who will be out when we get married) and we see this abuse all the time. You want to get married so the government can pay for you to live together while you lie to mom and dad about really being married, planning your big princess party?

    No. Big no. It's not okay to me.

    If there's another reason for it not having to do with money/bennies/healthcare, etc, meh. If it doesn't hurt or take money from the government or other people, I don't really care.





    Report Reply
  • Options
    notoriousRBGsBFFnotoriousRBGsBFF member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    I'm really struggling to understand the PPD hate. If someone invites you to a party, and you don't want to attend, because you don't like what's being celebrated or whatever, you decline.

    If you want to attend, then do. Have a good time. If you're being hosted for an event, it's kind of a dick move to cast dispersions about someone else's life choices that you may not like. If it bothers you that much, don't be friends with them.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I think PGL should make this a sticky!  Beautifully written!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    Report Reply
  • Options
    ViczaesarViczaesar member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    laurenfswanson said:
    I'm really struggling to understand the PPD hate. If someone invites you to a party, and you don't want to attend, because you don't like what's being celebrated or whatever, you decline.

    If you want to attend, then do. Have a good time. If you're being hosted for an event, it's kind of a dick move to cast dispersions about someone else's life choices that you may not like. If it bothers you that much, don't be friends with them.
    You mean aspersions. 



    Report Reply
  • Options
    ViczaesarViczaesar member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    CMGragain said:
    I think PGL should make this a sticky!  Beautifully written!
    That IS a sticky (which, by the way, demonstrates just how unnoticed stickies are).



    Report Reply
  • Options
    notoriousRBGsBFFnotoriousRBGsBFF member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    You are correct. I meant aspersions. Still does not address my general confusion about people's reactions to PPDs.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    randomsloverandomslove member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    I have never seen a reason for it that didn't strike me as people treating legal marriage like a means to get/save money to have a big to-do over themselves. I see PPDs all the time. I'm military and live in a heavy military area, where people get married all the time for benefits, then divorced because they rushed into something for the side benefits (more money and health insurance specifically) and not the thing itself (the ability to be recognized as a life partner, the right to life together, to be considered next of kin, to make that commitment an undeniable reality). People have fought for that right-- that piece of paper that says the law recognizes those people as a union. To see it treated as a means to an end so you can lie to yourself and the world about how the "real" wedding is the day you get to wear a white dress and have cake and whatnot is, in my opinion (my opinion being the key here) disrespectful to the institution of marriage. More disrespectful than a divorce wherein two people actually tried to make things work, which I see people talking about all the time.

    A wedding is supposed to be the symbol of a start of a marriage. A marriage is not supposed to be a means by which you can have/afford to have a wedding.





    Report Reply
  • Options
    notoriousRBGsBFFnotoriousRBGsBFF member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    randomslove said:
    I have never seen a reason for it that didn't strike me as people treating legal marriage like a means to get/save money to have a big to-do over themselves. I see PPDs all the time. I'm military and live in a heavy military area, where people get married all the time for benefits, then divorced because they rushed into something for the side benefits (more money and health insurance specifically) and not the thing itself (the ability to be recognized as a life partner, the right to life together, to be considered next of kin, to make that commitment an undeniable reality). People have fought for that right-- that piece of paper that says the law recognizes those people as a union. To see it treated as a means to an end so you can lie to yourself and the world about how the "real" wedding is the day you get to wear a white dress and have cake and whatnot is, in my opinion (my opinion being the key here) disrespectful to the institution of marriage. More disrespectful than a divorce wherein two people actually tried to make things work, which I see people talking about all the time.

    A wedding is supposed to be the symbol of a start of a marriage. A marriage is not supposed to be a means by which you can have/afford to have a wedding.

    I don't disagree with anything you're saying. For me and my husband, I feel like it was the opposite of what you're describing, though. We got married at the courthouse so we could be married. We are also military, and didn't want to deal with some of the inherent obstacles that come with being unmarried. Plus, why wait a year just because that's how far out all the venues are booked? We got married for us, because we were ready.

    We threw a wedding and invited people for them. I wasn't honestly that into the whole wedding thing. I found it all...a little embarrassing. I'm not super comfortable being the center of attention. So we had a wedding for our family. They wanted to invite their friends and family members. They wanted to see us observe their traditions, etc. And honestly, being married already made it so easy to not stress out over the wedding. It takes all the pressure off. There is no feeling of entitlement that others will spoil "my day" when literally the whole point of the day is to make other people happy. We had a fun party, everyone had a good time, and everyone got what they wanted. My point is, I really don't see what about that is offensive. I threw a party, you came, we all had fun.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited June 2015

    notoriousRBGsBFF said:
    randomslove said:
    I have never seen a reason for it that didn't strike me as people treating legal marriage like a means to get/save money to have a big to-do over themselves. I see PPDs all the time. I'm military and live in a heavy military area, where people get married all the time for benefits, then divorced because they rushed into something for the side benefits (more money and health insurance specifically) and not the thing itself (the ability to be recognized as a life partner, the right to life together, to be considered next of kin, to make that commitment an undeniable reality). People have fought for that right-- that piece of paper that says the law recognizes those people as a union. To see it treated as a means to an end so you can lie to yourself and the world about how the "real" wedding is the day you get to wear a white dress and have cake and whatnot is, in my opinion (my opinion being the key here) disrespectful to the institution of marriage. More disrespectful than a divorce wherein two people actually tried to make things work, which I see people talking about all the time.

    A wedding is supposed to be the symbol of a start of a marriage. A marriage is not supposed to be a means by which you can have/afford to have a wedding.

    I don't disagree with anything you're saying. For me and my husband, I feel like it was the opposite of what you're describing, though. We got married at the courthouse so we could be married. We are also military, and didn't want to deal with some of the inherent obstacles that come with being unmarried. Plus, why wait a year just because that's how far out all the venues are booked? We got married for us, because we were ready.

    We threw a wedding and invited people for them. I wasn't honestly that into the whole wedding thing. I found it all...a little embarrassing. I'm not super comfortable being the center of attention. So we had a wedding for our family. They wanted to invite their friends and family members. They wanted to see us observe their traditions, etc. And honestly, being married already made it so easy to not stress out over the wedding. It takes all the pressure off. There is no feeling of entitlement that others will spoil "my day" when literally the whole point of the day is to make other people happy. We had a fun party, everyone had a good time, and everyone got what they wanted. My point is, I really don't see what about that is offensive. I threw a party, you came, we all had fun.
    There is absolutely nothing wrong with throwing a huge party to celebrate your marriage.  It is calling it your "wedding" that offends people.  In my church (a very liberal one) these ceremonies are called vow affirmations.  Vow renewal is another term.  The couple is up front with their guests, who know that they are already married, and that this is not a wedding they are witnessing.
    You cannot have a second wedding when you have already been wed.  Since I assume your guests knew you were already married, this is not a huge crime.  It is the word "wedding" that upsets people, especially those who waited to have their wedding, even though it may have been inconvenient for them.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    Report Reply
  • Options
    randomsloverandomslove member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited June 2015
    Again, @NotoriousRBGsBFF, you didn't get married so you could afford/save money for your dream wedding. You had a modest party to celebrate. While I don't agree that it was a wedding or should have been referred to as such, I don't control your actions. And I don't see why you care so much what other people think about their traditions that you threw a fake wedding, but I'm also a lot less willing to cave for other people's comfort-- a good and bad thing.

    I suppose, having a sister and best friend who grew up thinking she would have to move out of the country to marry the person she loved (yay, equality!) and then going into the military and seeing people around me justifying getting married as a means to have/afford a wedding or just get money/benefits instead of getting married to be husband/wife, wife/wife, husband/husband, spouse/spouse with the person they love and being recognized as such.

    My FI is of the same opinion as you that PPDs aren't a big deal. That's his right. However, he also understands why they upset me, why I see them as a slap in the face to people who don't view them as any of that (what I said before). I also think it's ridiculous to have a marriage in order to save for a wedding because I deplore the entitlement that often (not always, but often) comes with it. "We got married because we deserve to have money to save for our dream wedding." No.

    And, you know, I got irritated with all the suggestions that I have a contract marriage (for those who don't know, a contract marriage is when two people get married purely for benefits/money; it's common in the military and many people will get married for the duration of a service member's contract only to divorce when the government stops paying), or that I rush into marriage with my FI because the benefits are great and we'll "probably get married anyway." No thanks, I'll save up for the modest, traditional service my FI and I decided to have. Because we're adults and we can save up on our own and no one (to include the government-- which is taxpayers' money) has the obligation to pay me so I can have my wedding.

    Again, you are entitled to your own beliefs. I don't hate people for having them, I don't believe people are automatically evil when they have them. I just think I have never heard a good reason to have one and I personally dislike the action and the thought processes I see behind them.

    ETA: I'm going into such depth because you have expressed a desire to learn why people dislike PPDs so much. Again, no personal dislike here. I just disagree with an action you took and your reasoning for it. Like I'm sure if you looked at my life you would disagree with some of mine. I'm clarifying this because so many times people take stuff too personally online and it can devolve into senseless arguing. Not what I'm trying to do here. If you still don't understand it, well, I tried and have a nice life.





    Report Reply
  • Options
    charlottesmom0626charlottesmom0626 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    I hate the military excuse with a passion. You can still plan the wedding you want without a PPD.

    But I wanted to live on base! But I wanted amazing benefits! But, but, but

    You think the rest of us don't want great health benefits by getting married sooner? Taxes? etc? 

    It's always "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND" ...but now I want a huge fake wedding because in addition to all of the reasons I had for having a quick, small wedding; I also deserve the huge party.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    vikinganna87vikinganna87 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment

    I don't have strong feelings for or against PPDs.  They tend to come up when people from different countries are marrying each other. Or foreigners living in the US get married. For example, they need the court documents for one partner to be able to work (apply for visa, Green Card), but they prefer to have a wedding in the home country during summer or something like that.  I'm totally fine with that.

    I went to a wedding in Ireland a few years ago.  Both families had contributed a lot in planning (financially too) since the couple was living in Denmark. The groom announced in the middle of the wedding that they'd already been married for 6+ months.  I didn't care that much but I felt bad for the bride & groom's parents. They were really upset that the information was withheld. The couple should've at least told their close family members in private.  The groom's speech came across as a big eff you to both families and totally rubbed me the wrong way.

    Report Reply
  • Options
    notoriousRBGsBFFnotoriousRBGsBFF member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary

    ETA: I'm going into such depth because you have expressed a desire to learn why people dislike PPDs so much. Again, no personal dislike here. I just disagree with an action you took and your reasoning for it. Like I'm sure if you looked at my life you would disagree with some of mine. I'm clarifying this because so many times people take stuff too personally online and it can devolve into senseless arguing. Not what I'm trying to do here. If you still don't understand it, well, I tried and have a nice life.
    Respect.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    CMGragain said:
    I think PGL should make this a sticky!  Beautifully written!
    Hahaha! ;-)

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards