Wedding Woes

Mom passed away and now the crazy starts.

Hi all,

I'm supposed to be getting married 11-7-2015. My mom passed away the 4th from metastatic breast cancer that she had for five years that went everywhere towards the end. Luckily, she was able to help me pick out my dress and we got married in her hospice room, so the 7th will be a "do-over".
Now all of a sudden, everyone wants to comment on my business and tell me what to do. My brother wants me to let him bring his girlfriend. I HATE his girlfriend. She called my mom a c*nt with cancer, me Voldemort, and was only marginally nice to my mom towards the end. My brother did a lot of low class things with her that I don't really want to elaborate on. I don't see why I should have to pay for her dinner when she called me names.
Some of my extended family thinks I should invite my estranged father and his side of the family since technically now I have no parents. My parents got divorced in 2012 after she got sick, but beforehand would push her wheelchair into walls and scream at her. Um, no!
My MIL has started signing her emails to me as "Mom" and calling me daily about why the wedding isn't done being planned. Maybe because my mom just died?!
I'm super annoyed and would love to hear advice or shared sympathy.

Re: Mom passed away and now the crazy starts.

  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Hi all,

    I'm supposed to be getting married 11-7-2015. My mom passed away the 4th from metastatic breast cancer that she had for five years that went everywhere towards the end. Luckily, she was able to help me pick out my dress and we got married in her hospice room, so the 7th will be a "do-over".
    Now all of a sudden, everyone wants to comment on my business and tell me what to do. My brother wants me to let him bring his girlfriend. I HATE his girlfriend. She called my mom a c*nt with cancer, me Voldemort, and was only marginally nice to my mom towards the end. My brother did a lot of low class things with her that I don't really want to elaborate on. I don't see why I should have to pay for her dinner when she called me names.
    Some of my extended family thinks I should invite my estranged father and his side of the family since technically now I have no parents. My parents got divorced in 2012 after she got sick, but beforehand would push her wheelchair into walls and scream at her. Um, no!
    My MIL has started signing her emails to me as "Mom" and calling me daily about why the wedding isn't done being planned. Maybe because my mom just died?!
    I'm super annoyed and would love to hear advice or shared sympathy.
    MUD?
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • NowIAmSypNowIAmSyp East Hanover, NJ member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. My advice is this: You are already married. Don't have a "do-over". Focus on your new life with your H. Besides, NOT having a "do-over" will solve all of the problems you listed above.

    image
    beachyone15[Deleted User]lnixon8simcal18
  • This can't be real.
  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited June 2015
    IF this is real, I have a sincere question for you:  I understand why it was important for you to have your mother at your wedding.  Why would you then undermine that by pretending that the ceremony, which your mother was fortunately able to witness and which legally united you and your H, was somehow not good enough? 

    If there is drama with your brother over who's invited to your mock-wedding, then not staging one eliminates that entire problem.  Ditto for the estranged relatives.  If your MIL wants to know why the wedding isn't happening as originally planned, you tell her the truth:  that your plans had to change, and you're already married.

    FWIW, I really believe this is MUD, but if not, I really am sorry for your loss, OP.
    mrsconn23KatWAGOliveOilsMom
  • This isn't MUD. This is very real.
    I paid for everything in full in February. My mom's health quickly declined in April. We got married in her hospice room because I wanted her to be there. While I didn't pay a lot for my wedding, I didn't want to lose what I had paid for.
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This isn't MUD. This is very real. I paid for everything in full in February. My mom's health quickly declined in April. We got married in her hospice room because I wanted her to be there. While I didn't pay a lot for my wedding, I didn't want to lose what I had paid for.


    Fine. Then just have a party. No do-over ceremony, no first dances, no cake cutting, no wedding party, no bach/ showers, etc. Just a party.

    And yes, you have to invite your brother girlfriend. They are a social unit and cannot be broken up. If you don't want to invite your father and his family, then don't. Its pretty simple.

    BabyFruit Ticker
    huskypuppy14OliveOilsMom
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'm very sorry for your loss.

    That said, since you already got married, what you'll be having isn't your wedding. You had that in your mother's hospice room. Call it a celebration instead. You don't have to invite your father or the girlfriend, but then don't invite your brother.
  • First - I'm sorry for your loss. Fuck cancer. 

    I really don't see an issue with having a paid-in-full reception after the fact if you had the actual wedding before your mom passed. I have a friend who did something similar (her dad was very sick - they married in his hospital room about 2  months before the planned wedding so he would be able to be there. He passed away shortly after and  they skipped the "wedding" ceremony, but still had the reception as planned.) 

    did you tell the guests that you already got married, or are you pretending that this is the "real thing"? You might want to consider skipping the whole ceremony part of things or at least call it "vow renewal." 

    I'm guessing people are hung up on the "do over" - I'm hoping you didn't explain yourself well and are just trying to say that you are going forward with the wedding reception on the date originally planned, even though the legal marriage was moved up a few months. 

    I would consider not talking about the wedding with these people (if you are) or deflecting their unsolicited comments/feedback. 

    You don't have to justify your guest list to us, just be prepared to have issues with your brother if you leave his g/f off the list, (or extended family on dad's side) and deal with it like an adult. 

    in regards to your MIL - either speak up for yourself or ask your FI to do it for you - "MIL, I appreciate your concern, but i'm dealing with my mom's death right now, and planning a party isn't at the top of my list. Please give me some space - I'll let you know if and when I need your assistance with the reception plans."

    FWIW, my MIL refers to herself as "Mom" when talking/writing to me, and my parents are very much alive and in my life. I call MIL by her first name.
    MesmrEwe
  • KatWAG said:
    This isn't MUD. This is very real. I paid for everything in full in February. My mom's health quickly declined in April. We got married in her hospice room because I wanted her to be there. While I didn't pay a lot for my wedding, I didn't want to lose what I had paid for.


    Fine. Then just have a party. No do-over ceremony, no first dances, no cake cutting, no wedding party, no bach/ showers, etc. Just a party.

    And yes, you have to invite your brother girlfriend. They are a social unit and cannot be broken up. If you don't want to invite your father and his family, then don't. Its pretty simple.

    THIS.

    Except for the last part, because my vote is don't make it a party that has anything to do with your wedding where you feel like you need to invite your brother at all.  Just have a party for the sake of having a party.  Find any excuse for it and only invite the people you actually like as if it were any other house party you would be throwing (without etiquette blunders like breaking up social units).  Talk to your vendors and see if you can renegotiate some things downward and get partial refunds for somethings or upgrade other things.  Call it a pre-holiday soiree if you want - say you're beating the holiday rush.  Keep the DJ, change up the food to make it more festive and less wedding-y, ask the florist to just make nice arrangements and donate them to a hospital or nursing home, sell the dress on ebay, and you may need to eat the money on the officiant and ceremony space.  Or, people might also be sympathetic and give you at least partial refunds if you explain that your plans had to change due to an impending death and you give them enough time to book something else for the same date - you never know if you don't try.  Or you could start posting online and see if anyone is interested in taking the venue off your hands for that date and they pay you and you transfer the contract over.

    I don't know - I just think anything would be better than having a do-over with people you don't like and treating your actual wedding with your mother as anything less special than it was.
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    This isn't MUD. This is very real. I paid for everything in full in February. My mom's health quickly declined in April. We got married in her hospice room because I wanted her to be there. While I didn't pay a lot for my wedding, I didn't want to lose what I had paid for.
    Why the hell did you pay for everything in full 9 months before the event. Most people pay deposits and then pay in full a week or 2 before their wedding. What you will be having is not a wedding, but a party. It's fine to have a celebration in November, but it will not be a wedding.

    I'm sorry about your mother.
    image
    image

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  • *Barbie* said:
    First - I'm sorry for your loss. Fuck cancer. 

    I really don't see an issue with having a paid-in-full reception after the fact if you had the actual wedding before your mom passed. I have a friend who did something similar (her dad was very sick - they married in his hospital room about 2  months before the planned wedding so he would be able to be there. He passed away shortly after and  they skipped the "wedding" ceremony, but still had the reception as planned.) 

    did you tell the guests that you already got married, or are you pretending that this is the "real thing"? You might want to consider skipping the whole ceremony part of things or at least call it "vow renewal." 

    I'm guessing people are hung up on the "do over" - I'm hoping you didn't explain yourself well and are just trying to say that you are going forward with the wedding reception on the date originally planned, even though the legal marriage was moved up a few months. 

    I would consider not talking about the wedding with these people (if you are) or deflecting their unsolicited comments/feedback. 

    You don't have to justify your guest list to us, just be prepared to have issues with your brother if you leave his g/f off the list, (or extended family on dad's side) and deal with it like an adult. 

    in regards to your MIL - either speak up for yourself or ask your FI to do it for you - "MIL, I appreciate your concern, but i'm dealing with my mom's death right now, and planning a party isn't at the top of my list. Please give me some space - I'll let you know if and when I need your assistance with the reception plans."

    FWIW, my MIL refers to herself as "Mom" when talking/writing to me, and my parents are very much alive and in my life. I call MIL by her first name.

    Very much this, but especially the bolded - this is one of the few times when you stand up for yourself instead of "blood talks to blood"...  "Hey MIL - I just lost my Mom, and when you sign things with "Mom" it really brings a lot of pain knowing she's crossed.  Can you please sign emails to me with (her name) instead!"  That's not to say you aren't respectful about the standing up, just that you're clear that it's too soon (and even still, I've been married 11 years, I DO NOT refer to MIL as MOM!).. 

    And agreed, it's either a "Vow Renewal" or "Reception" not "do over" (a "do over" is if you've divorced and are getting remarried together for the umpteenth time - and most people who do this have something like 5 guests total... I say this because I've got some friends that I jokingly suggested "wouldn't purchasing a second house just be cheaper?!?!?")...

  • Sorry I was writing on the fly and couldn't think of any other words!!
  • If you want to have a reception to celebrate your wedding then I think its fine.  When it becomes rude is when the couple pretend its the real thing.  If people know your married and why, then most of your friends won't have a problem with it. 

    If you want to maintain a relationship with your brother then he is a social unit with his GF ( no matter whether you like her or not), if you choose to invite him you need to invite her.

    If you don't intend to have a future with your dad then I would not invite him.  I would tell this to anybody that asks, ONCE - after that bean dip or ignore.

    I would ignore your MIL signing Mom, just call her what you want.  But I would have my H tell her to lay off the planning for awhile and give you space to grieve for your mom.  If she brings it up face to face just tell her that you will let her know if you need help, but for now you are taking a break from planning.
    Heffalump
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    jacques27 said:
    KatWAG said:
    This isn't MUD. This is very real. I paid for everything in full in February. My mom's health quickly declined in April. We got married in her hospice room because I wanted her to be there. While I didn't pay a lot for my wedding, I didn't want to lose what I had paid for.


    Fine. Then just have a party. No do-over ceremony, no first dances, no cake cutting, no wedding party, no bach/ showers, etc. Just a party.

    And yes, you have to invite your brother girlfriend. They are a social unit and cannot be broken up. If you don't want to invite your father and his family, then don't. Its pretty simple.

    THIS.

    Except for the last part, because my vote is don't make it a party that has anything to do with your wedding where you feel like you need to invite your brother at all.  Just have a party for the sake of having a party.  Find any excuse for it and only invite the people you actually like as if it were any other house party you would be throwing (without etiquette blunders like breaking up social units).  Talk to your vendors and see if you can renegotiate some things downward and get partial refunds for somethings or upgrade other things.  Call it a pre-holiday soiree if you want - say you're beating the holiday rush.  Keep the DJ, change up the food to make it more festive and less wedding-y, ask the florist to just make nice arrangements and donate them to a hospital or nursing home, sell the dress on ebay, and you may need to eat the money on the officiant and ceremony space.  Or, people might also be sympathetic and give you at least partial refunds if you explain that your plans had to change due to an impending death and you give them enough time to book something else for the same date - you never know if you don't try.  Or you could start posting online and see if anyone is interested in taking the venue off your hands for that date and they pay you and you transfer the contract over.

    I don't know - I just think anything would be better than having a do-over with people you don't like and treating your actual wedding with your mother as anything less special than it was.
    OP made no mention of not wanting to invite her brother. So if she invited her brother (to anything: BBQ, rehearsal dinner, wedding, etc) his SO needs to be invited.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I am usually not against inviting SOs, but I am very surprised that people are saying to invite the brother's girlfriend. If she had just called the OP names, I would invite her. She called her mother who was dying a C*NT. That is outrageous and I would never ever invite or talk to someone who had called my mother that. You guys would still invite her? I just don't believe you stick with etiquette when someone does that.
    MesmrEwe
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I am usually not against inviting SOs, but I am very surprised that people are saying to invite the brother's girlfriend. If she had just called the OP names, I would invite her. She called her mother who was dying a C*NT. That is outrageous and I would never ever invite or talk to someone who had called my mother that. You guys would still invite her? I just don't believe you stick with etiquette when someone does that.

    So then are you okay with alienating your brother? And potentially damaging your relationship with him?
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • ^ am i the only one who thought her sn was "kat wang"? ^
    image
    BouxRadley
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    hmonkey said:
    ^ am i the only one who thought her sn was "kat wang"? ^

    dislike.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Yes. I am not inviting someone who called my mother that to my wedding. No question.
    blueeyedkat
  • blueeyedkatblueeyedkat member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2015
    I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. I hope you take the time you need to mourn and have some "me-time".

    For your MIL, I think that now that you are a daughter to her, she wants to make sure she's not alienating you. She probably wants for you to be distracted from everything going on (like how people throw themselves into their work), and to also know that you are part of their family now and they welcome you with open arms and love you. That said, do tell her nicely that right now you want to take the time to grieve, to relax, to just not have to stress about anything. Tell her you appreciate her love and care, but for now you want some time alone and to mourn.

    Regarding your dad, there is no reason you need to invite him. You're an adult, you're married, and you just want a party celebrating your love and commitment to your husband. From your account, your dad was a shitty person, probably still is. It's up to you if you want to invite him or not, it really isn't anyone's business if you do or don't. He hurt you when he hurt your mother, and you already know you don't want him there. So don't invite him. You don't owe him anything, including a party invite.

    Now for your brother, it just depends on the kind of relationship you have with him and want to have with him. If he let his gf treat you and your mother that way, then he sounds like a shitty person too. He'll give you an ultimatum, but do you really want him there anyways? If he goes without her, he'll be a boor if not worse, and may make snide and rude comments to you or about you. If she comes, well, you already know you'll hate the very sight of her. I personally wouldn't invite her, and hope he chooses not to go. But they'll try to crash, so make sure someone knows to escort them out.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker

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