FMIL at it again

waterlily37 · June 2015

Hi all!

So, my FMIL has been driving me crazy this whole planning process. If she doesn't get her way she threatens to not come and throws a temper tantrum comparable to a 5 year old to give you a back story.

So, I booked cupcakes and a few small cakes as the wedding cake table. She then insisted in front of my fiance that I had to add a grooms cake, which to me is already creepy. I always thought those were something that a bride did to surprise the groom.

She now asked me if she could make a huge table full of baked goods too. I said I didn't think it was really necessary and that we already spent $500 on sweets for everyone, but that maybe she could give them in the hotel gift bags. We also have a meeting room at the hotel and I said I am sure people would love them there. She even called the caterer to double check that they would be okay with this at the wedding. I put my foot down and now she is giving my fiance the silent treatment. I suppose I don't really need advice, just a place to vent. Why would she think we need her stuff when we already have way more than enough? And it isn't the stuff you want to eat, its like like the weird stuff your grandma makes you for Christmas you only eat when no other sugar is in the house.

mrsconn23 · June 2015

Stop.talking.to.her.about.the.wedding

If you talk to her about the wedding and ask her opinion about things, she obvs. thinks she has some influence on your choices. Since she can't handle not having her ideas validated and used, just stop talking to her about it.

And be thankful for the silent treatment if she's that big of a pill.

mrsconn23 · June 2015

waterlily37 said:

Hi all!
So, my FMIL has been driving me crazy this whole planning process. If she doesn't get her way she threatens to not come and throws a temper tantrum comparable to a 5 year old to give you a back story.

So, I booked cupcakes and a few small cakes as the wedding cake table. She then insisted in front of my fiance that I had to add a grooms cake, which to me is already creepy. I always thought those were something that a bride did to surprise the groom.

She now asked me if she could make a huge table full of baked goods too. I said I didn't think it was really necessary and that we already spent $500 on sweets for everyone, but that maybe she could give them in the hotel gift bags. We also have a meeting room at the hotel and I said I am sure people would love them there. She even called the caterer to double check that they would be okay with this at the wedding. I put my foot down and now she is giving my fiance the silent treatment. I suppose I don't really need advice, just a place to vent. Why would she think we need her stuff when we already have way more than enough? And it isn't the stuff you want to eat, its like like the weird stuff your grandma makes you for Christmas you only eat when no other sugar is in the house.

Because I care

climbingsingle · June 2015

Is your FMIL paying for your wedding?

waterlily37 · June 2015

Yeah...I try not to but if we go out for family dinner thats all she ever wants to talk about. I don't really know how to not rudely change the subject, but I try to keep her in the dark about things.

waterlily37 · June 2015

Oh! And yes, they are helping pay but my family is paying for just as much, and my fiance and I are chipping in about $5000. I do let her get her way a lot, however my family hasn't been insisting on things. My dad just deposits money in my account and asks me to be frugal, which I am happy to do. She wants to have a black tie wedding with all this stuff to try to impress family she doesn't like (she has seriously admitted that). I just dont feel like she has to get her way 100% of the time when they are paying for maybe 35% of the wedding.

mrsconn23 · June 2015

"Planning is going great!...Did you see the weather for next week, it's supposed to be hot/cold/beautiful/nasty."

"OH the wedding is coming right along. Did you see the news story about the lady who's white but says she's black? Don't you want to touch her hair?"

"We think we have everything wedding related under control. OMG, I want to try this new restaurant that just opened. Honey, we should go there next week!"

waterlily37 · June 2015

Haha, that is good. I will give that a try next time I see her

climbingsingle · June 2015

waterlily37 said:

Yeah...I try not to but if we go out for family dinner thats all she ever wants to talk about. I don't really know how to not rudely change the subject, but I try to keep her in the dark about things.

Bean dip her. Every time she brings it up, change the subject. It's really not that hard.

And why does she have your caterer's phone number?

mrsconn23 · June 2015

Well, it's nice that your parents are giving you cash and carte blanche. She obviously doesn't want to do the same.

So, if she's paying for something specific, she obviously wants to have a lot of influence. You either need to let her have it or tell her you've got it and pay for it on your own. Money usually means strings.

Jen4948 · June 2015

Don't go out for dinner with her or be alone with her if you can avoid it. And make sure that your vendors all know that your FMIL is not authorized to make any requests, changes, or cancellations of their services.

And yes, stop talking about the wedding with her, and if you find yourself in a situation where you can't avoid being with her and she refuses to not talk about it, tell her, "FMIL, I'm sorry that you don't like our plans, but I'm not willing to discuss them anymore." Then change the subject or leave the room whenever she tries to bring them up.

Edited to add: There is no rule mandating that groom's cakes be "surprises" for grooms from brides, and I think it could prove counterproductive to "surprise" him with it if he has opinions about it. The groom should get some input which should be respected.

Maggie0829 · June 2015

Since she is financially contributing then she gets a say. If you don't want to hear her opinions or have to meet her requests then pay for it yourself.

waterlily37 · June 2015

I agree she should get a say, but should she always get her way every time she wants something? I have let her have her way all of the other times, so it's not like I am shooting her down every time I can. This is one thing that I am finally not okay with. I gave her reasonable alternatives. I feel like I should have a say too, not just as the bride but also as a financial contributor .

And, I have no idea how she got the number but she has already called them once before to edit things. I didn't pick a fight because I didn't find it worth it at the time. She is legit the Monster in Law, though. She said she wouldn't come to the wedding unless she could throw the bridal shower, stuff like that. So people think "aw how nice of her to do this" but really she is just needing to be in control. My fiance is an only child and when he lived alone she would come over when he was at work and clean his house and do is laundry (without him asking) because she "wants to help". Like, no. He's not Peter Pan so stop treating this 30 year old man like a child.

She also tried to invite herself on our honeymoon and said that it was a family tradition that the inlaws come on the honeymoon with the new couple. Whew sorry, just have oppressed a lot of anger and it is all coming out again!

ShesSoCold · June 2015

waterlily37 said:

I agree she should get a say, but should she always get her way every time she wants something? I have let her have her way all of the other times, so it's not like I am shooting her down every time I can. This is one thing that I am finally not okay with. I gave her reasonable alternatives. I feel like I should have a say too, not just as the bride but also as a financial contributor .

And, I have no idea how she got the number but she has already called them once before to edit things. I didn't pick a fight because I didn't find it worth it at the time. She is legit the Monster in Law, though. She said she wouldn't come to the wedding unless she could throw the bridal shower, stuff like that. So people think "aw how nice of her to do this" but really she is just needing to be in control. My fiance is an only child and when he lived alone she would come over when he was at work and clean his house and do is laundry (without him asking) because she "wants to help". Like, no. He's not Peter Pan so stop treating this 30 year old man like a child.

She also tried to invite herself on our honeymoon and said that it was a family tradition that the inlaws come on the honeymoon with the new couple. Whew sorry, just have oppressed a lot of anger and it is all coming out again!

If she is this upsetting to you, you need to decline her contribution and pay for this shit yourself (you as in you and your FI). My MIL pulled similar nonsense and there's no way in hell I'd have taken a freaking dime from her. It just perpetuates the cycle and shitty behavior.

thespeshulestsnowflake · June 2015

waterlily37 said:

So, I booked cupcakes and a few small cakes as the wedding cake table. She then insisted in front of my fiance that I had to add a grooms cake, which to me is already creepy. I always thought those were something that a bride did to surprise the groom.

Why is this creepy?

thespeshulestsnowflake · June 2015

waterlily37 said:

Hi all!
So, my FMIL has been driving me crazy this whole planning process. If she doesn't get her way she threatens to not come and throws a temper tantrum comparable to a 5 year old to give you a back story.

So, I booked cupcakes and a few small cakes as the wedding cake table. She then insisted in front of my fiance that I had to add a grooms cake, which to me is already creepy. I always thought those were something that a bride did to surprise the groom.

She now asked me if she could make a huge table full of baked goods too. I said I didn't think it was really necessary and that we already spent $500 on sweets for everyone, but that maybe she could give them in the hotel gift bags. We also have a meeting room at the hotel and I said I am sure people would love them there. She even called the caterer to double check that they would be okay with this at the wedding. I put my foot down and now she is giving my fiance the silent treatment. I suppose I don't really need advice, just a place to vent. Why would she think we need her stuff when we already have way more than enough? And it isn't the stuff you want to eat, its like like the weird stuff your grandma makes you for Christmas you only eat when no other sugar is in the house.

waterlily37 said:

Yeah...I try not to but if we go out for family dinner thats all she ever wants to talk about. I don't really know how to not rudely change the subject, but I try to keep her in the dark about things.

waterlily37 said:

Oh! And yes, they are helping pay but my family is paying for just as much, and my fiance and I are chipping in about $5000. I do let her get her way a lot, however my family hasn't been insisting on things. My dad just deposits money in my account and asks me to be frugal, which I am happy to do. She wants to have a black tie wedding with all this stuff to try to impress family she doesn't like (she has seriously admitted that). I just dont feel like she has to get her way 100% of the time when they are paying for maybe 35% of the wedding.

waterlily37 said:

I agree she should get a say, but should she always get her way every time she wants something? I have let her have her way all of the other times, so it's not like I am shooting her down every time I can. This is one thing that I am finally not okay with. I gave her reasonable alternatives. I feel like I should have a say too, not just as the bride but also as a financial contributor .

And, I have no idea how she got the number but she has already called them once before to edit things. I didn't pick a fight because I didn't find it worth it at the time. She is legit the Monster in Law, though. She said she wouldn't come to the wedding unless she could throw the bridal shower, stuff like that. So people think "aw how nice of her to do this" but really she is just needing to be in control. My fiance is an only child and when he lived alone she would come over when he was at work and clean his house and do is laundry (without him asking) because she "wants to help". Like, no. He's not Peter Pan so stop treating this 30 year old man like a child.

She also tried to invite herself on our honeymoon and said that it was a family tradition that the inlaws come on the honeymoon with the new couple. Whew sorry, just have oppressed a lot of anger and it is all coming out again!

JIC

Maggie0829 · June 2015

waterlily37 said:

I agree she should get a say, but should she always get her way every time she wants something? I have let her have her way all of the other times, so it's not like I am shooting her down every time I can. This is one thing that I am finally not okay with. I gave her reasonable alternatives. I feel like I should have a say too, not just as the bride but also as a financial contributor .

And, I have no idea how she got the number but she has already called them once before to edit things. I didn't pick a fight because I didn't find it worth it at the time. She is legit the Monster in Law, though. She said she wouldn't come to the wedding unless she could throw the bridal shower, stuff like that. So people think "aw how nice of her to do this" but really she is just needing to be in control. My fiance is an only child and when he lived alone she would come over when he was at work and clean his house and do is laundry (without him asking) because she "wants to help". Like, no. He's not Peter Pan so stop treating this 30 year old man like a child.

She also tried to invite herself on our honeymoon and said that it was a family tradition that the inlaws come on the honeymoon with the new couple. Whew sorry, just have oppressed a lot of anger and it is all coming out again!

Honestly, I think a lot of this could have been prevented by saying "The money FI and I are contributing is going towards A, B and C. The money my parents are contributing is going towards D and E. The money FI parents are contributing is going towards F and G." But it doesn't seem like you did that so your FMIL now thinks she has a say in everything because she is helping to pay and is assuming her money is going towards the full total instead of just F and G.

But at this point you and your FI need to get on the same page and from here on out he needs to talk to his Mom, not you. Boundaries need to be set, you two need to be a team and he needs to learn to say no.

I think the best plan forward is to not accept her money and to make sure that all your vendors know that any changes must come from you or your FI, no one else.

waterlily37 · June 2015

Yeah, maybe creepy wasn't the right word to use. I just didn't feel like it was her place to insist it in front of him, but someone else mentioned it doesn't have to always be a surprise. I like to surprise him, though, so if I had chosen to do it on my own I would have liked to have taken that route.

*Barbie* · June 2015

waterlily37 said:

She now asked me if she could make a huge table full of baked goods too. I said I didn't think it was really necessary and that we already spent $500 on sweets for everyone, but that maybe she could give them in the hotel gift bags. We also have a meeting room at the hotel and I said I am sure people would love them there. She even called the caterer to double check that they would be okay with this at the wedding. I put my foot down and now she is giving my fiance the silent treatment. I suppose I don't really need advice, just a place to vent. Why would she think we need her stuff when we already have way more than enough? And it isn't the stuff you want to eat, its like like the weird stuff your grandma makes you for Christmas you only eat when no other sugar is in the house.

Is she from Pittsburgh? The cookie table is a pretty big tradition there.

Also, as someone who's not a big fan of cake, it would be nice to have some alternatives.

NowIAmSyp · June 2015

waterlily37 said:

I agree she should get a say, but should she always get her way every time she wants something? I have let her have her way all of the other times, so it's not like I am shooting her down every time I can. This is one thing that I am finally not okay with. I gave her reasonable alternatives. I feel like I should have a say too, not just as the bride but also as a financial contributor .

And, I have no idea how she got the number but she has already called them once before to edit things. I didn't pick a fight because I didn't find it worth it at the time. She is legit the Monster in Law, though. She said she wouldn't come to the wedding unless she could throw the bridal shower, stuff like that. So people think "aw how nice of her to do this" but really she is just needing to be in control. My fiance is an only child and when he lived alone she would come over when he was at work and clean his house and do is laundry (without him asking) because she "wants to help". Like, no. He's not Peter Pan so stop treating this 30 year old man like a child.

She also tried to invite herself on our honeymoon and said that it was a family tradition that the inlaws come on the honeymoon with the new couple. Whew sorry, just have oppressed a lot of anger and it is all coming out again!

Ok, I could give or take the rest of your posts, but this (bolded) is BSC on her part. Lol.

Heffalump · June 2015

Are you having a rehearsal dinner? And if so, is the groom's cake an option there? We served the groom's cake at our rehearsal dinner (not a surprise, though, since I had DH pick flavors and everything), and it worked well.

As for the rest, it sounds like your MIL needs a crash course in Boundaries 101. Led by your FI, ideally.

Also, I have no patience for people who say "If you don't do X, Y, and Z, I won't come!" Good, keep your tantrum-throwing ass at home, then.

OliveOilsMom · June 2015

Where is your FI in all of this? Why isn't he trying to shut his mother down? It's his family, his responsibility.

southernbelle0915 · June 2015

I think your fiance (not you) needs to have a chat with her about finances. It sounds like her method of contributing is a lump sum. So therefore she thinks she gets to have a say in every aspect of the wedding.

Have him let her know that you're using her generous contribution toward flowers, favors, photo booth, transportation, linens, chargers, and the marriage license (or whatever - pick things you don't really care about). That way, when she tries to tell you what entrees you need to offer or what to serve for dessert, you can kindly remind her that your parents/y'all are picking up that piece so it's all taken care of. She only has a say in what she's contributing towards...

Anyway, you're perfectly within your right to say, "Planning is going well, but I'm pretty worn out with wedding talk....so tell me about your new job/how your cat is doing/whatever."

hmonkey · June 2015

this chick is SO going to have her cake stolen, y'all.

blueeyedkat · June 2015

So who's actually signing the vendor contracts? If you and your FI were the ones signing for everything, make sure you tell the vendors that any and all changes are only from you, from your number, from your email. You will only discuss things with them via email to keep a written record, otherwise, no go on any changes.

In my family, we usually pay for our weddings, and if the parents contribute, it's a blanket gift, not a I-get-to-tell-you-what-to-spend-your-wedding-allowance-on gift. So I don't know, maybe at some point, if she's not contributing too much, you should just consider that amount a loan and then just do whatever you want and pay her back.

FMIL at it again

Re: FMIL at it again

Choose Another Board

Search Boards