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How to have a gift-free wedding

eagle43016eagle43016 member
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hey guys! Looking for some advice here. My FI and I have been living together for two years, will be three years when we have our wedding - we both work full time and are living pretty comfortably at the moment, and I feel uncomfortable about asking people for gifts, both via a shower and the wedding itself. Our wedding is going to be pretty moderate and simple, so I don't feel like we need to recoup the cost of anything because we're honestly just excited to throw a really fun party with all our friends and family, and getting gifts out of that seems weird. Honestly, the thoughts I keep having are like, "We have all the things we need right now, and when we need more we just go buy it ourselves - why would getting engaged/married make it anyone elses' responsibility to upgrade our cutlery or buy us a grill?"

My questions are: a) does anyone else feel like this? Every time it comes up it seems like everyone I talk to has no idea what I'm saying. b) How do we indicate that we don't want gifts on the invitations? It's going to be really awkward either way. I know a lot of times people say "no gifts, please" at a function that a lot of people end up just bringing gifts to anyway, and I'd like to avoid that. 

IMPORTANT: I honestly, truly pass no judgement whatsoever on people who do want gifts, even if they've been living together for any length of time and don't feel that they need much. I'm just wondering if anyone else feels like I do, and how they're handling it with invitations, etc. 

Thanks!
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Re: How to have a gift-free wedding

  • kvrunskvruns member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer

    don't register, don't have a shower, and if people ask you can say "we don't need anything we just want you there". Don't put anything on the invite or website or anything.

    The reality is people brings "gifts" to a wedding, be it an actual gift or a check or gift card. We received 1 boxed gift at the wedding and the rest were cards with a check, cash, or gift card.

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  • eagle43016eagle43016 member
    First Comment
    Thanks guys. The plan is definitely not to have a shower - sorry if I wasn't clear about that. And of course, we're not going to register. I like the idea about not addressing the gift issue anywhere on the invites or the website. I guess what I'm trying to do is avoid the issue getting more complicated and confusing than it's worth because we're not doing this the "traditional" way.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    eagle43016 said:
    Thanks guys. The plan is definitely not to have a shower - sorry if I wasn't clear about that. And of course, we're not going to register. I like the idea about not addressing the gift issue anywhere on the invites or the website. I guess what I'm trying to do is avoid the issue getting more complicated and confusing than it's worth because we're not doing this the "traditional" way.
    If people get overly confused by the fact that you don't have a registry to the point where they are running around going "I don't know how I am going to figure out what to get them!" well that is their issue to deal with, not yours.

    Don't stress over this.  Don't register and if people ask just say "oh we didn't feel the need to register" and then change the subject.

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  • eagle43016eagle43016 member
    First Comment
    Thank you. This whole wedding planning thing is so fraught with opportunities to over-stress. Sometimes it just helps to have someone be like, "This isn't worth worrying about," especially if it's someone else who is planning or has planned a wedding.
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    eagle43016 said:
    Hey guys! Looking for some advice here. My FI and I have been living together for two years, will be three years when we have our wedding - we both work full time and are living pretty comfortably at the moment, and I feel uncomfortable about asking people for gifts, both via a shower and the wedding itself. Our wedding is going to be pretty moderate and simple, so I don't feel like we need to recoup the cost of anything because we're honestly just excited to throw a really fun party with all our friends and family, and getting gifts out of that seems weird. Honestly, the thoughts I keep having are like, "We have all the things we need right now, and when we need more we just go buy it ourselves - why would getting engaged/married make it anyone elses' responsibility to upgrade our cutlery or buy us a grill?"

    My questions are: a) does anyone else feel like this? Every time it comes up it seems like everyone I talk to has no idea what I'm saying. b) How do we indicate that we don't want gifts on the invitations? It's going to be really awkward either way. I know a lot of times people say "no gifts, please" at a function that a lot of people end up just bringing gifts to anyway, and I'd like to avoid that. 

    IMPORTANT: I honestly, truly pass no judgement whatsoever on people who do want gifts, even if they've been living together for any length of time and don't feel that they need much. I'm just wondering if anyone else feels like I do, and how they're handling it with invitations, etc. 

    Thanks!
    Wedding gifts and shower gifts -- whether monetary or otherwise-- are not for the purpose of "recouping" the costs of hosting a wedding reception. 

    People may give you gifts no matter what you say or do (and the above advice is perfect re: not registering etc) because they're happy for you and excited to celebrate with you. It's not a big deal if this happens. Return it to the store, donate it, or it may be something awesome that you never would have thought to buy for yourself so you end up keeping it. Who knows. 

    Just don't stress too much about this. 
    image
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its

    Well, don't register for gifts and pass up shower offers.  Showers are specifically gift-giving events.

    But there is no polite way to say "no gifts" on invitations.  Even if you did, many people disregard them and come with gifts.  The best thing to do is just graciously and timely thank the givers for any gifts you receive, after which you can discreetly dispose of them as you see fit.

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  • eagle43016eagle43016 member
    First Comment
    novella1186 - that's the most common response I get from people who have had weddings, and are asking where we're registering, etc - this attitude of "Well, I'm paying for them to have a great time at my wedding at X$ a head, so of course they should bring us a gift!" to recoup the expenses. It never made any sense to me. 
    novella1186 said:
    eagle43016 said:
    Hey guys! Looking for some advice here. My FI and I have been living together for two years, will be three years when we have our wedding - we both work full time and are living pretty comfortably at the moment, and I feel uncomfortable about asking people for gifts, both via a shower and the wedding itself. Our wedding is going to be pretty moderate and simple, so I don't feel like we need to recoup the cost of anything because we're honestly just excited to throw a really fun party with all our friends and family, and getting gifts out of that seems weird. Honestly, the thoughts I keep having are like, "We have all the things we need right now, and when we need more we just go buy it ourselves - why would getting engaged/married make it anyone elses' responsibility to upgrade our cutlery or buy us a grill?"

    My questions are: a) does anyone else feel like this? Every time it comes up it seems like everyone I talk to has no idea what I'm saying. b) How do we indicate that we don't want gifts on the invitations? It's going to be really awkward either way. I know a lot of times people say "no gifts, please" at a function that a lot of people end up just bringing gifts to anyway, and I'd like to avoid that. 

    IMPORTANT: I honestly, truly pass no judgement whatsoever on people who do want gifts, even if they've been living together for any length of time and don't feel that they need much. I'm just wondering if anyone else feels like I do, and how they're handling it with invitations, etc. 

    Thanks!
    Wedding gifts and shower gifts -- whether monetary or otherwise-- are not for the purpose of "recouping" the costs of hosting a wedding reception. 

    People may give you gifts no matter what you say or do (and the above advice is perfect re: not registering etc) because they're happy for you and excited to celebrate with you. It's not a big deal if this happens. Return it to the store, donate it, or it may be something awesome that you never would have thought to buy for yourself so you end up keeping it. Who knows. 

    Just don't stress too much about this. 

    Report Reply
  • kaos16kaos16 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    and, also.....not saying that you weren't going to, but graciously accept any gift you receive and promptly send a thank you!
    Report Reply
  • eagle43016eagle43016 member
    First Comment
    kaos16 said:
    and, also.....not saying that you weren't going to, but graciously accept any gift you receive and promptly send a thank you!
    For sure! :)
    Report Reply
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    eagle43016 said:
    novella1186 - that's the most common response I get from people who have had weddings, and are asking where we're registering, etc - this attitude of "Well, I'm paying for them to have a great time at my wedding at X$ a head, so of course they should bring us a gift!" to recoup the expenses. It never made any sense to me. 
    novella1186 said:
    eagle43016 said:
    Hey guys! Looking for some advice here. My FI and I have been living together for two years, will be three years when we have our wedding - we both work full time and are living pretty comfortably at the moment, and I feel uncomfortable about asking people for gifts, both via a shower and the wedding itself. Our wedding is going to be pretty moderate and simple, so I don't feel like we need to recoup the cost of anything because we're honestly just excited to throw a really fun party with all our friends and family, and getting gifts out of that seems weird. Honestly, the thoughts I keep having are like, "We have all the things we need right now, and when we need more we just go buy it ourselves - why would getting engaged/married make it anyone elses' responsibility to upgrade our cutlery or buy us a grill?"

    My questions are: a) does anyone else feel like this? Every time it comes up it seems like everyone I talk to has no idea what I'm saying. b) How do we indicate that we don't want gifts on the invitations? It's going to be really awkward either way. I know a lot of times people say "no gifts, please" at a function that a lot of people end up just bringing gifts to anyway, and I'd like to avoid that. 

    IMPORTANT: I honestly, truly pass no judgement whatsoever on people who do want gifts, even if they've been living together for any length of time and don't feel that they need much. I'm just wondering if anyone else feels like I do, and how they're handling it with invitations, etc. 

    Thanks!
    Wedding gifts and shower gifts -- whether monetary or otherwise-- are not for the purpose of "recouping" the costs of hosting a wedding reception. 

    People may give you gifts no matter what you say or do (and the above advice is perfect re: not registering etc) because they're happy for you and excited to celebrate with you. It's not a big deal if this happens. Return it to the store, donate it, or it may be something awesome that you never would have thought to buy for yourself so you end up keeping it. Who knows. 

    Just don't stress too much about this. 

    Yes, people are gross.
    Report Reply
  • novella1186novella1186 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    adk19 said:
    eagle43016 said:
    novella1186 - that's the most common response I get from people who have had weddings, and are asking where we're registering, etc - this attitude of "Well, I'm paying for them to have a great time at my wedding at X$ a head, so of course they should bring us a gift!" to recoup the expenses. It never made any sense to me. 
    novella1186 said:
    eagle43016 said:
    Hey guys! Looking for some advice here. My FI and I have been living together for two years, will be three years when we have our wedding - we both work full time and are living pretty comfortably at the moment, and I feel uncomfortable about asking people for gifts, both via a shower and the wedding itself. Our wedding is going to be pretty moderate and simple, so I don't feel like we need to recoup the cost of anything because we're honestly just excited to throw a really fun party with all our friends and family, and getting gifts out of that seems weird. Honestly, the thoughts I keep having are like, "We have all the things we need right now, and when we need more we just go buy it ourselves - why would getting engaged/married make it anyone elses' responsibility to upgrade our cutlery or buy us a grill?"

    My questions are: a) does anyone else feel like this? Every time it comes up it seems like everyone I talk to has no idea what I'm saying. b) How do we indicate that we don't want gifts on the invitations? It's going to be really awkward either way. I know a lot of times people say "no gifts, please" at a function that a lot of people end up just bringing gifts to anyway, and I'd like to avoid that. 

    IMPORTANT: I honestly, truly pass no judgement whatsoever on people who do want gifts, even if they've been living together for any length of time and don't feel that they need much. I'm just wondering if anyone else feels like I do, and how they're handling it with invitations, etc. 

    Thanks!
    Wedding gifts and shower gifts -- whether monetary or otherwise-- are not for the purpose of "recouping" the costs of hosting a wedding reception. 

    People may give you gifts no matter what you say or do (and the above advice is perfect re: not registering etc) because they're happy for you and excited to celebrate with you. It's not a big deal if this happens. Return it to the store, donate it, or it may be something awesome that you never would have thought to buy for yourself so you end up keeping it. Who knows. 

    Just don't stress too much about this. 

    Yes, people are gross.
    Agreed. You host a party you can afford-- with no expectation of gifts-- because you want to celebrate with the people you care about. Not because you want them to bring you shit. 

    This mindset is so illogical to me. If people host a party to get gifts or to recoup expenses, then just don't host anything at all and use the money to buy the crap you want. Duh. 
    image
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  • eagle43016eagle43016 member
    First Comment
    My thoughts exactly, and so well said! I think half the battle of wedding planning is sorting through the mountains of advice to separate out legitimate, useful information from entitled, obnoxious suggestions.

    novella1186 said:
    adk19 said:
    eagle43016 said:
    novella1186 - that's the most common response I get from people who have had weddings, and are asking where we're registering, etc - this attitude of "Well, I'm paying for them to have a great time at my wedding at X$ a head, so of course they should bring us a gift!" to recoup the expenses. It never made any sense to me. 
    novella1186 said:
    eagle43016 said:
    Hey guys! Looking for some advice here. My FI and I have been living together for two years, will be three years when we have our wedding - we both work full time and are living pretty comfortably at the moment, and I feel uncomfortable about asking people for gifts, both via a shower and the wedding itself. Our wedding is going to be pretty moderate and simple, so I don't feel like we need to recoup the cost of anything because we're honestly just excited to throw a really fun party with all our friends and family, and getting gifts out of that seems weird. Honestly, the thoughts I keep having are like, "We have all the things we need right now, and when we need more we just go buy it ourselves - why would getting engaged/married make it anyone elses' responsibility to upgrade our cutlery or buy us a grill?"

    My questions are: a) does anyone else feel like this? Every time it comes up it seems like everyone I talk to has no idea what I'm saying. b) How do we indicate that we don't want gifts on the invitations? It's going to be really awkward either way. I know a lot of times people say "no gifts, please" at a function that a lot of people end up just bringing gifts to anyway, and I'd like to avoid that. 

    IMPORTANT: I honestly, truly pass no judgement whatsoever on people who do want gifts, even if they've been living together for any length of time and don't feel that they need much. I'm just wondering if anyone else feels like I do, and how they're handling it with invitations, etc. 

    Thanks!
    Wedding gifts and shower gifts -- whether monetary or otherwise-- are not for the purpose of "recouping" the costs of hosting a wedding reception. 

    People may give you gifts no matter what you say or do (and the above advice is perfect re: not registering etc) because they're happy for you and excited to celebrate with you. It's not a big deal if this happens. Return it to the store, donate it, or it may be something awesome that you never would have thought to buy for yourself so you end up keeping it. Who knows. 

    Just don't stress too much about this. 

    Yes, people are gross.
    Agreed. You host a party you can afford-- with no expectation of gifts-- because you want to celebrate with the people you care about. Not because you want them to bring you shit. 

    This mindset is so illogical to me. If people host a party to get gifts or to recoup expenses, then just don't host anything at all and use the money to buy the crap you want. Duh. 

    Report Reply
  • novella1186novella1186 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    eagle43016 I didn't want to add to the giant text tree, but in response to what you just posted, that's why you should hang around here :) 
    image
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    You can never mention gifts (wanting or not wanting) without being specifically asked.  If you don't want gifts, then let a few close family members know and they can pass the word along.  But, honestly, most people give gifts because they feel it's appropriate and because they want you to use the item/money for your enjoyment.   

    I would say nothing regarding gifts and just take whatever people give you graciously.  
    Report Reply
  • monkeysipmonkeysip member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    novella1186 said:
    adk19 said:
    eagle43016 said:
    novella1186 - that's the most common response I get from people who have had weddings, and are asking where we're registering, etc - this attitude of "Well, I'm paying for them to have a great time at my wedding at X$ a head, so of course they should bring us a gift!" to recoup the expenses. It never made any sense to me. 
    novella1186 said:
    eagle43016 said:
    Hey guys! Looking for some advice here. My FI and I have been living together for two years, will be three years when we have our wedding - we both work full time and are living pretty comfortably at the moment, and I feel uncomfortable about asking people for gifts, both via a shower and the wedding itself. Our wedding is going to be pretty moderate and simple, so I don't feel like we need to recoup the cost of anything because we're honestly just excited to throw a really fun party with all our friends and family, and getting gifts out of that seems weird. Honestly, the thoughts I keep having are like, "We have all the things we need right now, and when we need more we just go buy it ourselves - why would getting engaged/married make it anyone elses' responsibility to upgrade our cutlery or buy us a grill?"

    My questions are: a) does anyone else feel like this? Every time it comes up it seems like everyone I talk to has no idea what I'm saying. b) How do we indicate that we don't want gifts on the invitations? It's going to be really awkward either way. I know a lot of times people say "no gifts, please" at a function that a lot of people end up just bringing gifts to anyway, and I'd like to avoid that. 

    IMPORTANT: I honestly, truly pass no judgement whatsoever on people who do want gifts, even if they've been living together for any length of time and don't feel that they need much. I'm just wondering if anyone else feels like I do, and how they're handling it with invitations, etc. 

    Thanks!
    Wedding gifts and shower gifts -- whether monetary or otherwise-- are not for the purpose of "recouping" the costs of hosting a wedding reception. 

    People may give you gifts no matter what you say or do (and the above advice is perfect re: not registering etc) because they're happy for you and excited to celebrate with you. It's not a big deal if this happens. Return it to the store, donate it, or it may be something awesome that you never would have thought to buy for yourself so you end up keeping it. Who knows. 

    Just don't stress too much about this. 

    Yes, people are gross.
    Agreed. You host a party you can afford-- with no expectation of gifts-- because you want to celebrate with the people you care about. Not because you want them to bring you shit. 

    This mindset is so illogical to me. If people host a party to get gifts or to recoup expenses, then just don't host anything at all and use the money to buy the crap you want. Duh. 





    But people want both.  They want to be able to have the big expensive reception AND to get "reimbursed" for it through lots of gifts.  It's insane, I agree.  But I've talked to many people who had this mindset :/

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  • XrebeccaXXrebeccaX member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    OP, we had the same feelings you do regarding gifts, but, people will want to give them. We did more or less as PP have indicated. We never said "no gifts" and just did a very small registry and left it at that. Some people gave us checks, some a small thoughtful gift and some a card or bottle of wine.

    I knew a lot of people would ask my mom what we wanted and she just told people "oh they have enough, your warm wishes and a card would be lovely!" and many people did just that! :)
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  • fyrchkfyrchk member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    We're running into this, too. We have everything we need (plus some...ooohhhh the Spring Cleaning going on right now) and really don't need anything. One of my bridesmaids asked where we were registering and I told her we weren't as we don't need anything. She was aghast. She still comes around asking where we are registering and I explain each time that we aren't. She is so genuinely concerned that people "won't know what to get us." And when I try to explain that the point is we don't want people getting us anything she seems so befuddled. Oh well.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    fyrchk said:
    We're running into this, too. We have everything we need (plus some...ooohhhh the Spring Cleaning going on right now) and really don't need anything. One of my bridesmaids asked where we were registering and I told her we weren't as we don't need anything. She was aghast. She still comes around asking where we are registering and I explain each time that we aren't. She is so genuinely concerned that people "won't know what to get us." And when I try to explain that the point is we don't want people getting us anything she seems so befuddled. Oh well.
    Oooh, I love the idea of befuddling people.  "What do you Mean???!!!  But...!!!  Presents!!! *head explodes*"
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