Family only ceremony and big reception

Knottie1434421014 · June 2015

My fiance wants to have family only/intimate ceremony and then big party reception after. This is for reasons of not being able to choose just a select few to attend wedding and because i think he would rather do the intimate part just in front of family and to keep budget friendly.

Our ceremony and reception will be at the same venue.

How do i:

1. Incorporate our best friends in the reception

2. still have a "rehearsal dinner" but invite friends to honor them and feed them and do speeches and what not

3. still have friends get ready with me but not go to ceremony, just reception. I can figure out the legistics of that

sheknows6 · June 2015

Knottie1434421014 said:

My fiance wants to have family only/intimate ceremony and then big party reception after. This is for reasons of not being able to choose just a select few to attend wedding and because i think he would rather do the intimate part just in front of family and to keep budget friendly.

Our ceremony and reception will be at the same venue.

How do i:

1. Incorporate our best friends in the reception---you invite them to the ceremony & reception. That's it, unless you want them to give you a toast at the reception.
2. still have a "rehearsal dinner" but invite friends to honor them and feed them and do speeches and what not---your rehearsal dinner is traditionally for your wedding party. You can invite anyone you want but it is not to "honor" them.....
3. still have friends get ready with me but not go to ceremony, just reception. I can figure out the legistics of that---NO. Why would you expect friends to help you get ready and not invite them to the ceremony?!

None of what you're asking makes any sense...You don't save money by inviting people to the reception instead of the ceremony.

You don't invite some people to the reception only, that's rude. The reception is the gift to your guests for attending.

You either have a small and intimate wedding ceremony AND reception, or you bite the bullet and pay for everyone to attend both parts. You don't split them and only invite some to one and not the other; no one on this forum that has spent any amount of time here will tell you that's alright.

Unless you're a troll, spend some time lurking around the boards before you post something like this....nothing about this is a "911" situation unless your wedding is tomorrow or something.

climbingsingle · June 2015

What you're trying to do is rude. Think about this - you want your friends to get ready with you, but then they're not invited to the ceremony. What are they supposed to do while waiting for your private super secret ceremony to end?

The ceremony isn't the expensive part, so I don't understand why you'd need to have it private due to budget concerns.

You can't have it both ways. You either need to invite these people to the ceremony, or have it truly be private. That means so rehearsal dinner, and no having people get ready with you directly before the ceremony.

spglsp · June 2015

Knottie1434421014 said:

My fiance wants to have family only/intimate ceremony and then big party reception after. This is for reasons of not being able to choose just a select few to attend wedding and because i think he would rather do the intimate part just in front of family and to keep budget friendly.

Our ceremony and reception will be at the same venue.

How do i:

1. Incorporate our best friends in the reception
2. still have a "rehearsal dinner" but invite friends to honor them and feed them and do speeches and what not
3. still have friends get ready with me but not go to ceremony, just reception. I can figure out the legistics of that

I'm really confused by this for the same reason others have mentioned. How is adding guests to the ceremony (which is in the same venue) an additional expense? Are we missing something here? What could you possibly need more of that would cost so much money? Maybe you can clarify that point.

loveislouder · June 2015

I don't know where you live, but where I live the ceremony LEGALLY has to be open to anybody.. even the random person you didn't invite that lives down the street that you haven't talked to in 5 years that has BO and hobbit feet.

Knottie1434421014 · June 2015

I thought this was a forum just to throw out issues you are having with planning a wedding for the 1st time. I have never been on The Knot or done any wedding planning bc i have not been engaged multiple times. I don't know all the etiquette and was just looking for some positive suggestions. I agree with some of the same things you all are saying. This was my fiances request and i am just trying to throw out some issues/ideas so i can honor his wishes as well as mine...

Thank you for the feedback.

Jen4948 · June 2015

I'm sorry if you didn't get the feedback you wanted, but as you found out for yourself, wanting a family only ceremony while wanting to "incorporate" everyone else in the reception doesn't go over well here.

The reason is because a "reception" is a thank-you to the guests who actually attended the ceremony for attending the ceremony. It really isn't acceptable to "thank" people for attending it who weren't invited to do so.

If you really want to have a big celebration with all these people without inviting them to the ceremony, you can throw a big, non-wedding-related party afterward and call it a "celebration," or you can invite them to a first anniversary party. If you go either of these routes, then you need to make clear that the event you're inviting them to is not a "wedding reception" or a wedding-related event, and you do that by not wearing a bridal gown, cutting a wedding cake (although you can still serve cake), having a ceremony of any kind or a re-enactment of your wedding ceremony, having attendants, registering for gifts, or having wedding-related events like showers.

sheknows6 · June 2015

Knottie1434421014 said:

I thought this was a forum just to throw out issues you are having with planning a wedding for the 1st time.--It is. I have never been on The Knot or done any wedding planning bc i have not been engaged multiple times. I don't know all the etiquette and was just looking for some positive suggestions.---You got exactly what you asked for. I agree with some of the same things you all are saying. This was my fiances request and i am just trying to throw out some issues/ideas so i can honor his wishes as well as mine...

Thank you for the feedback.

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OP, take this with a grain of salt- you asked and we responded. Welcome to the internet.

Your fiance's wishes are unfortunately very rude. You don't ever invite someone to only your reception, or only your ceremony. It's all or nothing.

I stand by my initial advice to lurk around some more on the boards before you ask a question that has been asked and answered ten thousand times.

Jen4948 · June 2015

sheknows6 said:

Knottie1434421014 said:

I thought this was a forum just to throw out issues you are having with planning a wedding for the 1st time.--It is. I have never been on The Knot or done any wedding planning bc i have not been engaged multiple times. I don't know all the etiquette and was just looking for some positive suggestions.---You got exactly what you asked for. I agree with some of the same things you all are saying. This was my fiances request and i am just trying to throw out some issues/ideas so i can honor his wishes as well as mine...

Thank you for the feedback.

-----------------------------------------------------------BOXES---------------------------------------------

OP, take this with a grain of salt- you asked and we responded. Welcome to the internet.

Your fiance's wishes are unfortunately very rude. You don't ever invite someone to only your reception, or only your ceremony. It's all or nothing.

I stand by my initial advice to lurk around some more on the boards before you ask a question that has been asked and answered ten thousand times.

Actually, the bolded is not true. It is rude to invite someone to the ceremony but not the reception, but while it is not advised to invite someone to the reception but not the ceremony, it is not, strictly speaking, "rude."

[Deleted User] · June 2015

I just don't understand how you'd be saving money by not inviting them to the ceremony. The reception is the expensive part, where you have food and drinks. How would you save money with a small ceremony? Honest question. All I can think of is chairs.

Maggie0829 · June 2015

loveislouder said:
I don't know where you live, but where I live the ceremony LEGALLY has to be open to anybody.. even the random person you didn't invite that lives down the street that you haven't talked to in 5 years that has BO and hobbit feet.

This is only true if you are having your wedding in a place of worship. Churches are open to the public so anyone can attend a wedding held in a church. But if you aren't having it in a church then not just anyone can come and watch. Well I guess they could but that would just be weird and at that point they would be crashing a wedding and could be escorted out.

As for OP I just don't understand the concept of a small ceremony and large reception. Basically you want to still party/celebrate with everyone but you don't feel like having them witness the event behind the point of the party/celebration. Does that not seem odd to you?

And then to ask your friends to get ready with you for something that they aren't even invited to is even more odd.

Knottie1434421014 · June 2015

Thank you. I totally agree about not saving money by doing this. I guess you would just save my not having to get 150 chairs but i don't really think that is very expensive. I think he was more so coming from wanting to have the ceremony small for sake of intimacy and he doesn't love being in front of a lot of people. Just running thru ideas and decided to throw out some questions.

She knows 6 - Thanks. Sounds like you know a lot.

flbride2015 · June 2015

Knottie1434421014 said:

Thank you. I totally agree about not saving money by doing this. I guess you would just save my not having to get 150 chairs but i don't really think that is very expensive. I think he was more so coming from wanting to have the ceremony small for sake of intimacy and he doesn't love being in front of a lot of people. Just running thru ideas and decided to throw out some questions.

She knows 6 - Thanks. Sounds like you know a lot.

He's going to be in front of a lot of people at the reception.

Look, my best friend cose to have a small ceremony with just their parents. Totally understandable and totally their right to do so. I saw pictures and it was beautiful. They assure us all that they plan on throwing a big party next year (hopefully not a PPD). That's nice and all, but guess what? They're already married. They got married and I wasn't invited. A party isn't going to change that, in fact, it sort of feels like a consolation prize. I am dissapointed I didn't get to see my best friend get married but I understand because the whole thing was just the 4 of them. And if they do throw a party, I'll go and be excited and congratulate them.

That being said, I would definitely be upset if they had chosen to do what you're planning. I can understand a small wedding like my friends had; like I said, I was dissapointed but my feelings weren't hurt. But to invite me to just the reception would make me feel like some second class citizen who wasn't worthy of seeing the actual marriage. Good enough to party with but not important enough to actual witness the marriage. Not cool OP.

mikenberger · June 2015

The easiest solution to all of your questions/problems.... Invite everybody to all aspects of your wedding celebrations.

sheknows6 · June 2015

Knottie1434421014 said:

Thank you. I totally agree about not saving money by doing this. I guess you would just save my not having to get 150 chairs but i don't really think that is very expensive. I think he was more so coming from wanting to have the ceremony small for sake of intimacy and he doesn't love being in front of a lot of people. Just running thru ideas and decided to throw out some questions.

She knows 6 - Thanks. Sounds like you know a lot.

I do actually!

Again, you shouldn't get so offended. Text can be interpreted many ways and just because I honestly gave you my opinion and didn't sugar coat it, doesn't make it mean.

@Jen4948 I would never personally consider inviting anyone to only one aspect of my wedding. You don't save money doing this, and as a guest I would be left wondering why I was good enough to be hosted for dinner but not good enough to watch their ceremony. And vice-versa...it doesn't make sense to partially invite.

blueeyedkat · June 2015

I would suggest that you go to the library and check out as many wedding planning books as you can. I've read the Broke Ass Bride, The Wedding Book (can I just say this is an amazingly thorough book), The Dummy's Guide to Wedding Planning, etc. Also read some articles online to kind of get a good feel for how things work, etiquette, etc. It helps, really does.

I'm planning my 2nd wedding, but I still feel like I know nothing. My first wedding was at City Hall, with my now-ex, his parents, my mom, MOH, BM. Then we went to a buffet Asian restaurant. For lunch, on a Thursday. So, no experience this go round with an actual party.

We all have questions, and thankfully everyone will answer honestly, either will or won't validate you depending on how reasonable the questions/concerns/obstacles are. Here you get objective responses, and it's a great eye opener.

Finally, as for the ceremony (which was your original question to begin with and I'm sorry I did a roundabout answer), I would just suggest you put yourself in your guests' shoes. Imagine going to wedding, where you're not actually allowed to see the two people be united, but just get to mingle and eat and dance afterwards. It's just awkward. I always felt that the ceremony was the reason people are invited, to see two people in love join together in a union. Unless it's a 2 hour long ceremony, most people will want to see it.

Jen4948 · June 2015

sheknows6 said:

Knottie1434421014 said:

Thank you. I totally agree about not saving money by doing this. I guess you would just save my not having to get 150 chairs but i don't really think that is very expensive. I think he was more so coming from wanting to have the ceremony small for sake of intimacy and he doesn't love being in front of a lot of people. Just running thru ideas and decided to throw out some questions.

She knows 6 - Thanks. Sounds like you know a lot.

I do actually!

Again, you shouldn't get so offended. Text can be interpreted many ways and just because I honestly gave you my opinion and didn't sugar coat it, doesn't make it mean.

@Jen4948 I would never personally consider inviting anyone to only one aspect of my wedding. You don't save money doing this, and as a guest I would be left wondering why I was good enough to be hosted for dinner but not good enough to watch their ceremony. And vice-versa...it doesn't make sense to partially invite.

Excellent. I believe I mentioned that not inviting everyone to both the ceremony and reception isn't advised here. I don't advise it myself.

Knottie1434421014 · June 2015

Thank you everyone! Good luck to all brides!

sheknows6 · June 2015

Jen4948 said:

Knottie1434421014 said:

Thank you. I totally agree about not saving money by doing this. I guess you would just save my not having to get 150 chairs but i don't really think that is very expensive. I think he was more so coming from wanting to have the ceremony small for sake of intimacy and he doesn't love being in front of a lot of people. Just running thru ideas and decided to throw out some questions.

She knows 6 - Thanks. Sounds like you know a lot.

I do actually!

Again, you shouldn't get so offended. Text can be interpreted many ways and just because I honestly gave you my opinion and didn't sugar coat it, doesn't make it mean.

@Jen4948 I would never personally consider inviting anyone to only one aspect of my wedding. You don't save money doing this, and as a guest I would be left wondering why I was good enough to be hosted for dinner but not good enough to watch their ceremony. And vice-versa...it doesn't make sense to partially invite.
Excellent. I believe I mentioned that not inviting everyone to both the ceremony and reception isn't advised here. I don't advise it myself.

I was responding to your post where you had said "but while it is not advised to invite someone to the reception but not the ceremony, it is not, strictly speaking, "rude."".......and I disagree with that based on my point above, that as a guest, it would leave me wondering why I was only invited to one part and not the other.

Sorry if that was unclear what I was responding to, I should have quoted.

Jen4948 · June 2015

sheknows6 said:

Jen4948 said:

Knottie1434421014 said:

Thank you. I totally agree about not saving money by doing this. I guess you would just save my not having to get 150 chairs but i don't really think that is very expensive. I think he was more so coming from wanting to have the ceremony small for sake of intimacy and he doesn't love being in front of a lot of people. Just running thru ideas and decided to throw out some questions.

She knows 6 - Thanks. Sounds like you know a lot.

I do actually!

Again, you shouldn't get so offended. Text can be interpreted many ways and just because I honestly gave you my opinion and didn't sugar coat it, doesn't make it mean.

@Jen4948 I would never personally consider inviting anyone to only one aspect of my wedding. You don't save money doing this, and as a guest I would be left wondering why I was good enough to be hosted for dinner but not good enough to watch their ceremony. And vice-versa...it doesn't make sense to partially invite.
Excellent. I believe I mentioned that not inviting everyone to both the ceremony and reception isn't advised here. I don't advise it myself.

I was responding to your post where you had said "but while it is not advised to invite someone to the reception but not the ceremony, it is not, strictly speaking, "rude."".......and I disagree with that based on my point above, that as a guest, it would leave me wondering why I was only invited to one part and not the other.

Sorry if that was unclear what I was responding to, I should have quoted.
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Stuck in box

Whether you disagree or not, etiquette holds that it is acceptable, although not advised (I don't advise it myself), to invite people to the reception but not the ceremony. There are even a few instances (Mormon temple sealings where only Mormons with temple recommends can attend) where it's necessary.

I'm out of here now.

beachyone15 · June 2015

flbride2015 said:

Knottie1434421014 said:

Thank you. I totally agree about not saving money by doing this. I guess you would just save my not having to get 150 chairs but i don't really think that is very expensive. I think he was more so coming from wanting to have the ceremony small for sake of intimacy and he doesn't love being in front of a lot of people. Just running thru ideas and decided to throw out some questions.

She knows 6 - Thanks. Sounds like you know a lot.

He's going to be in front of a lot of people at the reception.
Look, my best friend cose to have a small ceremony with just their parents. Totally understandable and totally their right to do so. I saw pictures and it was beautiful. They assure us all that they plan on throwing a big party next year (hopefully not a PPD). That's nice and all, but guess what? They're already married. They got married and I wasn't invited. A party isn't going to change that, in fact, it sort of feels like a consolation prize. I am dissapointed I didn't get to see my best friend get married but I understand because the whole thing was just the 4 of them. And if they do throw a party, I'll go and be excited and congratulate them.
That being said, I would definitely be upset if they had chosen to do what you're planning. I can understand a small wedding like my friends had; like I said, I was dissapointed but my feelings weren't hurt. But to invite me to just the reception would make me feel like some second class citizen who wasn't worthy of seeing the actual marriage. Good enough to party with but not important enough to actual witness the marriage. Not cool OP.

THIS. Is he afraid of being in the spotlight? Because he will be at the reception, whether or not your ceremony is "intimate".
To be honest, I felt like the spotlight was on us MORE at our reception. During the ceremony, I didn't even notice everyone else. It felt like just me and DH.

ETA: I just don't understand couples who want it both ways. You either want an intimate wedding or the big party. It makes no sense to me to want both.

KatWAG · June 2015

Knottie1434421014 said:

Thank you. I totally agree about not saving money by doing this. I guess you would just save my not having to get 150 chairs but i don't really think that is very expensive. I think he was more so coming from wanting to have the ceremony small for sake of intimacy and he doesn't love being in front of a lot of people. Just running thru ideas and decided to throw out some questions.

She knows 6 - Thanks. Sounds like you know a lot.

What? If you have 150 people at your reception, you will still need 150 chairs.

AddieCake · June 2015

KatWAG said:

Knottie1434421014 said:

Thank you. I totally agree about not saving money by doing this. I guess you would just save my not having to get 150 chairs but i don't really think that is very expensive. I think he was more so coming from wanting to have the ceremony small for sake of intimacy and he doesn't love being in front of a lot of people. Just running thru ideas and decided to throw out some questions.

She knows 6 - Thanks. Sounds like you know a lot.

What? If you have 150 people at your reception, you will still need 150 chairs.

I'm going to assume not having to pay for chairs at the ceremony site. Our ceremony cost us a buck a chair. But chairs were "included" at the reception.

sheknows6 · June 2015

AddieCake said:

KatWAG said:

Knottie1434421014 said:

Thank you. I totally agree about not saving money by doing this. I guess you would just save my not having to get 150 chairs but i don't really think that is very expensive. I think he was more so coming from wanting to have the ceremony small for sake of intimacy and he doesn't love being in front of a lot of people. Just running thru ideas and decided to throw out some questions.

She knows 6 - Thanks. Sounds like you know a lot.

What? If you have 150 people at your reception, you will still need 150 chairs.

I'm going to assume not having to pay for chairs at the ceremony site. Our ceremony cost us a buck a chair. But chairs were "included" at the reception.

Even if the OP saves some money on ceremony chairs, I still can't wrap my head around how it is it still cheaper for them to invite people to the reception but not the ceremony.

Food costs a ton more than chairs....it would be cheaper to have a small ceremony and an equally small reception. It sounds like the OP assumes saving money on the front gives her more room in the back, which doesn't make sense financially.

ETF

KatWAG · June 2015

AddieCake said:

KatWAG said:

Knottie1434421014 said:

Thank you. I totally agree about not saving money by doing this. I guess you would just save my not having to get 150 chairs but i don't really think that is very expensive. I think he was more so coming from wanting to have the ceremony small for sake of intimacy and he doesn't love being in front of a lot of people. Just running thru ideas and decided to throw out some questions.

She knows 6 - Thanks. Sounds like you know a lot.

What? If you have 150 people at your reception, you will still need 150 chairs.

I'm going to assume not having to pay for chairs at the ceremony site. Our ceremony cost us a buck a chair. But chairs were "included" at the reception.

OP said the ceremony and reception would be at the same place.

Family only ceremony and big reception

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