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Mother calling MOH to add people to the shower list without my permission....

Jwargo419Jwargo419 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So my mother told me today that my aunt complained to her that her fiancee's two daughters didn't get an invite to my bridal shower. Well, the reason they weren't invited to the shower is because they weren't on my wedding guest list that I provided to my MOH.
When I got back home I got in touch with my MOH and apparently my mother has already called her telling her to invite these two other people to my shower, when I have no intent of inviting them to my wedding. My mother knew ahead of time I didn't plan to invite them as I showed her the guest list as well, but she went behind my back and called my MOH asking her to add them to the list. I am trying to have a more intimate wedding especially since I am paying for it myself. My MOH hasn't sent out their invites yet, and I told her I don't want them at my wedding, and we discussed how it's rude to invite them to the shower, but not the wedding, but I'll have an angry aunt on my hands by not inviting them. Any advise on what to do??
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Re: Mother calling MOH to add people to the shower list without my permission....

  • onefootinthebayouonefootinthebayou member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Jen4948 said:

    Your aunt can grow up and get over the fact that her SDs to be aren't invited to the shower or the wedding. So can your mother.

    Tell your MOH that neither your mother, your aunt, nor anyone else is authorized to alter the shower plans except her and you- and that includes adding non-wedding guests to the shower guest list.

    Yup. QFT.
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  • Jwargo419Jwargo419 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    Thanks. You're right. I just need to firmly say the guest list is final and if she doesn't like it tough cookies. Its my wedding I should have the people important to me and my FH there, not people important to my aunt. She can have her future SD at her wedding but theres no need for them at mine when I've only seen them half a dozen times and I didn't even know them when I got engaged. 
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  • emmaaaemmaaa mod
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Just tell your MOH not to worry about any names or "suggestions" you mother may giver her. Remind her your guest list is final and you appreciate everything she is doing for you.

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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Jwargo419 said:
    So my mother told me today that my aunt complained to her that her fiancee's two daughters didn't get an invite to my bridal shower. Well, the reason they weren't invited to the shower is because they weren't on my wedding guest list that I provided to my MOH.
    When I got back home I got in touch with my MOH and apparently my mother has already called her telling her to invite these two other people to my shower, when I have no intent of inviting them to my wedding. My mother knew ahead of time I didn't plan to invite them as I showed her the guest list as well, but she went behind my back and called my MOH asking her to add them to the list. I am trying to have a more intimate wedding especially since I am paying for it myself. My MOH hasn't sent out their invites yet, and I told her I don't want them at my wedding, and we discussed how it's rude to invite them to the shower, but not the wedding, but I'll have an angry aunt on my hands by not inviting them. Any advise on what to do??

    Tell your MOH that if your mom calls again to inform her the guest list for the shower is closed and to call you, so you can deal with mom directly. 

    My MIL tried doing this for my actual wedding.  She went around my H & I and went directly to my mom to ask for an invite for my, at the time, FBIL's FILs.  See FBIL wanted to invite my parents to his upcoming wedding and the only way that would happen was if his future wife's parents were invited to ours.  H & I were livid when we found out what happened.  MIL was put in her place by my H.  I told FBIL that was not my problem to fix, we were not inviting FBIL's FILs.  I also told him that if he truly wanted my parents there, he would have them invited because wedding invitations are not tit for tat.

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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
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    OliveOilsMom said:
    Jwargo419 said:
    So my mother told me today that my aunt complained to her that her fiancee's two daughters didn't get an invite to my bridal shower. Well, the reason they weren't invited to the shower is because they weren't on my wedding guest list that I provided to my MOH.
    When I got back home I got in touch with my MOH and apparently my mother has already called her telling her to invite these two other people to my shower, when I have no intent of inviting them to my wedding. My mother knew ahead of time I didn't plan to invite them as I showed her the guest list as well, but she went behind my back and called my MOH asking her to add them to the list. I am trying to have a more intimate wedding especially since I am paying for it myself. My MOH hasn't sent out their invites yet, and I told her I don't want them at my wedding, and we discussed how it's rude to invite them to the shower, but not the wedding, but I'll have an angry aunt on my hands by not inviting them. Any advise on what to do??

    Tell your MOH that if your mom calls again to inform her the guest list for the shower is closed and to call you, so you can deal with mom directly. 

    My MIL tried doing this for my actual wedding.  She went around my H & I and went directly to my mom to ask for an invite for my, at the time, FBIL's FILs.  See FBIL wanted to invite my parents to his upcoming wedding and the only way that would happen was if his future wife's parents were invited to ours.  H & I were livid when we found out what happened.  MIL was put in her place by my H.  I told FBIL that was not my problem to fix, we were not inviting FBIL's FILs.  I also told him that if he truly wanted my parents there, he would have them invited because wedding invitations are not tit for tat.

    Some families are weird about that. We had to invite my husband's brother's in laws (his wife's parents) because my MIL insisted- they're family. I'm like, we are not inviting my BIL's (my sister's husband) family. But fine whatever, it wasn't worth the fight. (They didn't come anyway) Then a month before we were about to send invitations, and we finalized the guest list months ago she wanted to also invite BIL's SIL. No. My husband told her firmly it wasn't happening. She was upset, but got over it. 

    My MIL wanted to have an engagement party for us and invite people who were not invited to the wedding. We declined. her offer.

    My MIL also asked my mom to invite people to the shower (a few friends of hers), and my Mom being the good mom said it was up to me, not her. (My mom wasn't even hosting the shower, my sisters were). These people were invited to the wedding, so I had no problem with it so they were added. 

    My MIL doesn't know any better, and she doesn't have any daughters, so I was trying to involve her in some ways. But trying to appease a MIL is different than an Aunt, imo. MIL was a co host of our wedding; I'm assuming your aunt is not hosting or paying for your wedding, so she doesn't get a say in the guest list.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2015
    huskypuppy14 said:
    OliveOilsMom said:
    Jwargo419 said:
    So my mother told me today that my aunt complained to her that her fiancee's two daughters didn't get an invite to my bridal shower. Well, the reason they weren't invited to the shower is because they weren't on my wedding guest list that I provided to my MOH.
    When I got back home I got in touch with my MOH and apparently my mother has already called her telling her to invite these two other people to my shower, when I have no intent of inviting them to my wedding. My mother knew ahead of time I didn't plan to invite them as I showed her the guest list as well, but she went behind my back and called my MOH asking her to add them to the list. I am trying to have a more intimate wedding especially since I am paying for it myself. My MOH hasn't sent out their invites yet, and I told her I don't want them at my wedding, and we discussed how it's rude to invite them to the shower, but not the wedding, but I'll have an angry aunt on my hands by not inviting them. Any advise on what to do??

    Tell your MOH that if your mom calls again to inform her the guest list for the shower is closed and to call you, so you can deal with mom directly. 

    My MIL tried doing this for my actual wedding.  She went around my H & I and went directly to my mom to ask for an invite for my, at the time, FBIL's FILs.  See FBIL wanted to invite my parents to his upcoming wedding and the only way that would happen was if his future wife's parents were invited to ours.  H & I were livid when we found out what happened.  MIL was put in her place by my H.  I told FBIL that was not my problem to fix, we were not inviting FBIL's FILs.  I also told him that if he truly wanted my parents there, he would have them invited because wedding invitations are not tit for tat.

    Some families are weird about that. We had to invite my husband's brother's in laws (his wife's parents) because my MIL insisted- they're family. I'm like, we are not inviting my BIL's (my sister's husband) family. But fine whatever, it wasn't worth the fight. (They didn't come anyway) Then a month before we were about to send invitations, and we finalized the guest list months ago she wanted to also invite BIL's SIL. No. My husband told her firmly it wasn't happening. She was upset, but got over it. 

    My MIL wanted to have an engagement party for us and invite people who were not invited to the wedding. We declined. her offer.

    My MIL also asked my mom to invite people to the shower (a few friends of hers), and my Mom being the good mom said it was up to me, not her. (My mom wasn't even hosting the shower, my sisters were). These people were invited to the wedding, so I had no problem with it so they were added. 

    My MIL doesn't know any better, and she doesn't have any daughters, so I was trying to involve her in some ways. But trying to appease a MIL is different than an Aunt, imo. MIL was a co host of our wedding; I'm assuming your aunt is not hosting or paying for your wedding, so she doesn't get a say in the guest list.
    The aunt doesn't get a say in the guest list for the shower regardless of whether or not she is hosting or paying for the wedding.  The person actually hosting the shower (in this case, the MOH) and the bride are the only ones who get says in the shower guest list.  If the aunt wants a say in who gets invited to a shower for the OP, she can throw it herself, but she still couldn't invite her SDs to be because they're not invited to the wedding.  She doesn't get a say in that.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Jen4948 said:
    huskypuppy14 said:
    OliveOilsMom said:
    Jwargo419 said:
    So my mother told me today that my aunt complained to her that her fiancee's two daughters didn't get an invite to my bridal shower. Well, the reason they weren't invited to the shower is because they weren't on my wedding guest list that I provided to my MOH.
    When I got back home I got in touch with my MOH and apparently my mother has already called her telling her to invite these two other people to my shower, when I have no intent of inviting them to my wedding. My mother knew ahead of time I didn't plan to invite them as I showed her the guest list as well, but she went behind my back and called my MOH asking her to add them to the list. I am trying to have a more intimate wedding especially since I am paying for it myself. My MOH hasn't sent out their invites yet, and I told her I don't want them at my wedding, and we discussed how it's rude to invite them to the shower, but not the wedding, but I'll have an angry aunt on my hands by not inviting them. Any advise on what to do??

    Tell your MOH that if your mom calls again to inform her the guest list for the shower is closed and to call you, so you can deal with mom directly. 

    My MIL tried doing this for my actual wedding.  She went around my H & I and went directly to my mom to ask for an invite for my, at the time, FBIL's FILs.  See FBIL wanted to invite my parents to his upcoming wedding and the only way that would happen was if his future wife's parents were invited to ours.  H & I were livid when we found out what happened.  MIL was put in her place by my H.  I told FBIL that was not my problem to fix, we were not inviting FBIL's FILs.  I also told him that if he truly wanted my parents there, he would have them invited because wedding invitations are not tit for tat.

    Some families are weird about that. We had to invite my husband's brother's in laws (his wife's parents) because my MIL insisted- they're family. I'm like, we are not inviting my BIL's (my sister's husband) family. But fine whatever, it wasn't worth the fight. (They didn't come anyway) Then a month before we were about to send invitations, and we finalized the guest list months ago she wanted to also invite BIL's SIL. No. My husband told her firmly it wasn't happening. She was upset, but got over it. 

    My MIL wanted to have an engagement party for us and invite people who were not invited to the wedding. We declined. her offer.

    My MIL also asked my mom to invite people to the shower (a few friends of hers), and my Mom being the good mom said it was up to me, not her. (My mom wasn't even hosting the shower, my sisters were). These people were invited to the wedding, so I had no problem with it so they were added. 

    My MIL doesn't know any better, and she doesn't have any daughters, so I was trying to involve her in some ways. But trying to appease a MIL is different than an Aunt, imo. MIL was a co host of our wedding; I'm assuming your aunt is not hosting or paying for your wedding, so she doesn't get a say in the guest list.
    The aunt doesn't get a say in the guest list for the shower regardless of whether or not she is hosting or paying for the wedding.  The person actually hosting the shower (in this case, the MOH) and the bride are the only ones who get says in the shower guest list.  If the aunt wants a say in who gets invited to a shower for the OP, she can throw it herself, but she still couldn't invite her SDs to be because they're not invited to the wedding.  She doesn't get a say in that.
    Yes, but if the aunt was helping to pay for and host the wedding, she could make inviting her future step-daughters a stipulation of getting the money.  Then, if the ladies were already invited to the wedding, it would be less of an issue to invite them to the shower (still not the aunt's choice even if she's paying for the ENTIRE wedding, but less of an issue).
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    adk19 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    huskypuppy14 said:
    OliveOilsMom said:
    Jwargo419 said:
    So my mother told me today that my aunt complained to her that her fiancee's two daughters didn't get an invite to my bridal shower. Well, the reason they weren't invited to the shower is because they weren't on my wedding guest list that I provided to my MOH.
    When I got back home I got in touch with my MOH and apparently my mother has already called her telling her to invite these two other people to my shower, when I have no intent of inviting them to my wedding. My mother knew ahead of time I didn't plan to invite them as I showed her the guest list as well, but she went behind my back and called my MOH asking her to add them to the list. I am trying to have a more intimate wedding especially since I am paying for it myself. My MOH hasn't sent out their invites yet, and I told her I don't want them at my wedding, and we discussed how it's rude to invite them to the shower, but not the wedding, but I'll have an angry aunt on my hands by not inviting them. Any advise on what to do??

    Tell your MOH that if your mom calls again to inform her the guest list for the shower is closed and to call you, so you can deal with mom directly. 

    My MIL tried doing this for my actual wedding.  She went around my H & I and went directly to my mom to ask for an invite for my, at the time, FBIL's FILs.  See FBIL wanted to invite my parents to his upcoming wedding and the only way that would happen was if his future wife's parents were invited to ours.  H & I were livid when we found out what happened.  MIL was put in her place by my H.  I told FBIL that was not my problem to fix, we were not inviting FBIL's FILs.  I also told him that if he truly wanted my parents there, he would have them invited because wedding invitations are not tit for tat.

    Some families are weird about that. We had to invite my husband's brother's in laws (his wife's parents) because my MIL insisted- they're family. I'm like, we are not inviting my BIL's (my sister's husband) family. But fine whatever, it wasn't worth the fight. (They didn't come anyway) Then a month before we were about to send invitations, and we finalized the guest list months ago she wanted to also invite BIL's SIL. No. My husband told her firmly it wasn't happening. She was upset, but got over it. 

    My MIL wanted to have an engagement party for us and invite people who were not invited to the wedding. We declined. her offer.

    My MIL also asked my mom to invite people to the shower (a few friends of hers), and my Mom being the good mom said it was up to me, not her. (My mom wasn't even hosting the shower, my sisters were). These people were invited to the wedding, so I had no problem with it so they were added. 

    My MIL doesn't know any better, and she doesn't have any daughters, so I was trying to involve her in some ways. But trying to appease a MIL is different than an Aunt, imo. MIL was a co host of our wedding; I'm assuming your aunt is not hosting or paying for your wedding, so she doesn't get a say in the guest list.
    The aunt doesn't get a say in the guest list for the shower regardless of whether or not she is hosting or paying for the wedding.  The person actually hosting the shower (in this case, the MOH) and the bride are the only ones who get says in the shower guest list.  If the aunt wants a say in who gets invited to a shower for the OP, she can throw it herself, but she still couldn't invite her SDs to be because they're not invited to the wedding.  She doesn't get a say in that.
    Yes, but if the aunt was helping to pay for and host the wedding, she could make inviting her future step-daughters a stipulation of getting the money.  Then, if the ladies were already invited to the wedding, it would be less of an issue to invite them to the shower (still not the aunt's choice even if she's paying for the ENTIRE wedding, but less of an issue).

    Aunts don't usually help pay for or host weddings when parents are in the picture.  Even parents aren't required to pay for the weddings of their children.

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Jen4948 said:
    adk19 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    huskypuppy14 said:
    OliveOilsMom said:
    Jwargo419 said:
    So my mother told me today that my aunt complained to her that her fiancee's two daughters didn't get an invite to my bridal shower. Well, the reason they weren't invited to the shower is because they weren't on my wedding guest list that I provided to my MOH.
    When I got back home I got in touch with my MOH and apparently my mother has already called her telling her to invite these two other people to my shower, when I have no intent of inviting them to my wedding. My mother knew ahead of time I didn't plan to invite them as I showed her the guest list as well, but she went behind my back and called my MOH asking her to add them to the list. I am trying to have a more intimate wedding especially since I am paying for it myself. My MOH hasn't sent out their invites yet, and I told her I don't want them at my wedding, and we discussed how it's rude to invite them to the shower, but not the wedding, but I'll have an angry aunt on my hands by not inviting them. Any advise on what to do??

    Tell your MOH that if your mom calls again to inform her the guest list for the shower is closed and to call you, so you can deal with mom directly. 

    My MIL tried doing this for my actual wedding.  She went around my H & I and went directly to my mom to ask for an invite for my, at the time, FBIL's FILs.  See FBIL wanted to invite my parents to his upcoming wedding and the only way that would happen was if his future wife's parents were invited to ours.  H & I were livid when we found out what happened.  MIL was put in her place by my H.  I told FBIL that was not my problem to fix, we were not inviting FBIL's FILs.  I also told him that if he truly wanted my parents there, he would have them invited because wedding invitations are not tit for tat.

    Some families are weird about that. We had to invite my husband's brother's in laws (his wife's parents) because my MIL insisted- they're family. I'm like, we are not inviting my BIL's (my sister's husband) family. But fine whatever, it wasn't worth the fight. (They didn't come anyway) Then a month before we were about to send invitations, and we finalized the guest list months ago she wanted to also invite BIL's SIL. No. My husband told her firmly it wasn't happening. She was upset, but got over it. 

    My MIL wanted to have an engagement party for us and invite people who were not invited to the wedding. We declined. her offer.

    My MIL also asked my mom to invite people to the shower (a few friends of hers), and my Mom being the good mom said it was up to me, not her. (My mom wasn't even hosting the shower, my sisters were). These people were invited to the wedding, so I had no problem with it so they were added. 

    My MIL doesn't know any better, and she doesn't have any daughters, so I was trying to involve her in some ways. But trying to appease a MIL is different than an Aunt, imo. MIL was a co host of our wedding; I'm assuming your aunt is not hosting or paying for your wedding, so she doesn't get a say in the guest list.
    The aunt doesn't get a say in the guest list for the shower regardless of whether or not she is hosting or paying for the wedding.  The person actually hosting the shower (in this case, the MOH) and the bride are the only ones who get says in the shower guest list.  If the aunt wants a say in who gets invited to a shower for the OP, she can throw it herself, but she still couldn't invite her SDs to be because they're not invited to the wedding.  She doesn't get a say in that.
    Yes, but if the aunt was helping to pay for and host the wedding, she could make inviting her future step-daughters a stipulation of getting the money.  Then, if the ladies were already invited to the wedding, it would be less of an issue to invite them to the shower (still not the aunt's choice even if she's paying for the ENTIRE wedding, but less of an issue).

    Aunts don't usually help pay for or host weddings when parents are in the picture.  Even parents aren't required to pay for the weddings of their children.

    I never said "usually" or "required".  I'm saying that IF this aunt decided she wanted to help pay for a wedding, she STILL wouldn't be able to add her future step daughters to the SHOWER guest list, though she could make their invitation to the wedding a stipulation of her gift of money.  Basically, I'm saying that the aunt is doubly or triply wrong in making this request/demand.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    adk19 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    adk19 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    huskypuppy14 said:
    OliveOilsMom said:
    Jwargo419 said:
    So my mother told me today that my aunt complained to her that her fiancee's two daughters didn't get an invite to my bridal shower. Well, the reason they weren't invited to the shower is because they weren't on my wedding guest list that I provided to my MOH.
    When I got back home I got in touch with my MOH and apparently my mother has already called her telling her to invite these two other people to my shower, when I have no intent of inviting them to my wedding. My mother knew ahead of time I didn't plan to invite them as I showed her the guest list as well, but she went behind my back and called my MOH asking her to add them to the list. I am trying to have a more intimate wedding especially since I am paying for it myself. My MOH hasn't sent out their invites yet, and I told her I don't want them at my wedding, and we discussed how it's rude to invite them to the shower, but not the wedding, but I'll have an angry aunt on my hands by not inviting them. Any advise on what to do??

    Tell your MOH that if your mom calls again to inform her the guest list for the shower is closed and to call you, so you can deal with mom directly. 

    My MIL tried doing this for my actual wedding.  She went around my H & I and went directly to my mom to ask for an invite for my, at the time, FBIL's FILs.  See FBIL wanted to invite my parents to his upcoming wedding and the only way that would happen was if his future wife's parents were invited to ours.  H & I were livid when we found out what happened.  MIL was put in her place by my H.  I told FBIL that was not my problem to fix, we were not inviting FBIL's FILs.  I also told him that if he truly wanted my parents there, he would have them invited because wedding invitations are not tit for tat.

    Some families are weird about that. We had to invite my husband's brother's in laws (his wife's parents) because my MIL insisted- they're family. I'm like, we are not inviting my BIL's (my sister's husband) family. But fine whatever, it wasn't worth the fight. (They didn't come anyway) Then a month before we were about to send invitations, and we finalized the guest list months ago she wanted to also invite BIL's SIL. No. My husband told her firmly it wasn't happening. She was upset, but got over it. 

    My MIL wanted to have an engagement party for us and invite people who were not invited to the wedding. We declined. her offer.

    My MIL also asked my mom to invite people to the shower (a few friends of hers), and my Mom being the good mom said it was up to me, not her. (My mom wasn't even hosting the shower, my sisters were). These people were invited to the wedding, so I had no problem with it so they were added. 

    My MIL doesn't know any better, and she doesn't have any daughters, so I was trying to involve her in some ways. But trying to appease a MIL is different than an Aunt, imo. MIL was a co host of our wedding; I'm assuming your aunt is not hosting or paying for your wedding, so she doesn't get a say in the guest list.
    The aunt doesn't get a say in the guest list for the shower regardless of whether or not she is hosting or paying for the wedding.  The person actually hosting the shower (in this case, the MOH) and the bride are the only ones who get says in the shower guest list.  If the aunt wants a say in who gets invited to a shower for the OP, she can throw it herself, but she still couldn't invite her SDs to be because they're not invited to the wedding.  She doesn't get a say in that.
    Yes, but if the aunt was helping to pay for and host the wedding, she could make inviting her future step-daughters a stipulation of getting the money.  Then, if the ladies were already invited to the wedding, it would be less of an issue to invite them to the shower (still not the aunt's choice even if she's paying for the ENTIRE wedding, but less of an issue).

    Aunts don't usually help pay for or host weddings when parents are in the picture.  Even parents aren't required to pay for the weddings of their children.

    I never said "usually" or "required".  I'm saying that IF this aunt decided she wanted to help pay for a wedding, she STILL wouldn't be able to add her future step daughters to the SHOWER guest list, though she could make their invitation to the wedding a stipulation of her gift of money.  Basically, I'm saying that the aunt is doubly or triply wrong in making this request/demand.
    Ok.  But there is no indication that this aunt is helping to pay for this wedding.  I agree: the aunt is completely out of line to make this demand. (It's not a request.)
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  • fyrchkfyrchk member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    So many boxes...

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    scribe95 said:
    Why are we talking some weird hypothetical that is not related to this post at all?
    Because sometimes people do want to address hypothetical tangents-even if you think they're weird.
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  • Jwargo419Jwargo419 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    Thanks for all the advice.

    I ended up telling my mother I am sorry but the guest list is final I am not inviting them to the shower or the wedding.

    I talked to my MOH and she said she is not inviting them (and was planning on checking with me first before sending out the invites) and my MOH said she wants everything to be about me and that she cares more about making me happy than my mother. Thank God I have an amazing MOH. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Jwargo419 said:
    Thanks for all the advice.

    I ended up telling my mother I am sorry but the guest list is final I am not inviting them to the shower or the wedding.

    I talked to my MOH and she said she is not inviting them (and was planning on checking with me first before sending out the invites) and my MOH said she wants everything to be about me and that she cares more about making me happy than my mother. Thank God I have an amazing MOH. 
    Go MOH! How did your mother take your telling her this?
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  • annakay511annakay511 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    It would be super rude to invite someone to your shower who isn't invited to your wedding. Your aunt can kick rocks!
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