Bridal shower etiquette. Help!!!

[Deleted User] · June 2015

I just recently got engaged, yay!! Very exciting but stressful at the same time. Our date is set for June 4, 2016. We are trying to cut down on who to invitie which has sparked some small arguements as you can imagine. I wish i could invite 200 people but that definitely isnt within our budget. The 130 (we cut it down to from 160) is even cutting it. Now my question. Is it poor etiquette to invite those peope we coulndt invite to our wedding, to the bridal shower? I would love for them to be part of the experience somehow. Thoughts pease?

Viczaesar · June 2015

Mimi1jb said:

I just recently got engaged, yay!! Very exciting but stressful at the same time. Our date is set for June 4, 2016. We are trying to cut down on who to invitie which has sparked some small arguements as you can imagine. I wish i could invite 200 people but that definitely isnt within our budget. The 130 (we cut it down to from 160) is even cutting it. Now my question. Is it poor etiquette to invite those peope we coulndt invite to our wedding, to the bridal shower? I would love for them to be part of the experience somehow. Thoughts pease?

Yes, it's extremely poor etiquette. "You're not invited to the wedding, but please come to a shower and give me a present" is not an honor. Only people who are invited to the wedding itself can be invited to wedding-related events including engagement parties, showers, and bachelorette parties.

banana468 · June 2015

Mimi1jb said:
I just recently got engaged, yay!! Very exciting but stressful at the same time. Our date is set for June 4, 2016. We are trying to cut down on who to invitie which has sparked some small arguements as you can imagine. I wish i could invite 200 people but that definitely isnt within our budget. The 130 (we cut it down to from 160) is even cutting it. Now my question. Is it poor etiquette to invite those peope we coulndt invite to our wedding, to the bridal shower? I would love for them to be part of the experience somehow. Thoughts pease?

Totally rude. It's no consolation to tell people that they aren't welcome to see you get married but they can be invited to parties where they have to buy you stuff.

And remember, you don't host your shower. Someone needs to offer to throw you one in order for that event to occur.

downtondiva · June 2015

It is very, very rude to invite someone to the shower and not the wedding. It is the ultimate gift grabby behavior.

If the time comes that someone asks you for a shower guest list (because someone else has to host it, you can't do it yourself), think of it this way: you don't have to invite everyone who is invited to the wedding to the shower, but you can't invite anyone to the shower who isn't invited to the wedding.

Heffalump · June 2015

I mean this in the kindest possible way: I've seen a lot of posts lately about "consolation prizes" for guests who can't be invited to the wedding. (Due to space constraints, budget, whatever the reason.) People will be happy to celebrate with you. But no one is going to spiral into a deep depression if they're not invited to a wedding. They don't need to be invited to a shower, or just the reception, just part of the reception, a made-up wedding-related party, or anything else. You're kind to think of them, but they'll be okay. Promise.

You can always get together with people outside of the context of your wedding. (Throw a barbecue, host a Halloween party or a New Year's open house or whatever.) Almost everyone has to make tough choices regarding the guest list, so you're not alone here, and most guests understand this. And as everyone said above, it is very poor etiquette to invite someone to a pre-wedding party if they're not invited to the wedding itself.

mikenberger · June 2015

There is nothing wrong with working within a budget. And good on you for keeping to a budget and making the hard choices on your invite list.

However, that doesn't mean you get to put these people on a list for a gift giving event when you're not inviting them to the event that you're celebrating. Like the other PPs said, it's poor form to invite someone to the shower and not the wedding.

jacques27 · June 2015

Heffalump said:

I mean this in the kindest possible way: I've seen a lot of posts lately about "consolation prizes" for guests who can't be invited to the wedding. (Due to space constraints, budget, whatever the reason.) People will be happy to celebrate with you. But no one is going to spiral into a deep depression if they're not invited to a wedding. They don't need to be invited to a shower, or just the reception, just part of the reception, a made-up wedding-related party, or anything else. You're kind to think of them, but they'll be okay. Promise.

You can always get together with people outside of the context of your wedding. (Throw a barbecue, host a Halloween party or a New Year's open house or whatever.) Almost everyone has to make tough choices regarding the guest list, so you're not alone here, and most guests understand this. And as everyone said above, it is very poor etiquette to invite someone to a pre-wedding party if they're not invited to the wedding itself.

QUOTED FOR TRUTH!

Seriously, I was just invited to one of these "consolation parties" and I'm actually more upset by that than just not being invited to the wedding or any parties. These aren't just words and it's not just hypothesizing how one might feel in that situation - I actually feel like "Gee, so I get this consolation without actually getting to see my friend get married...that sucks." Whereas I would have been perfectly fine not being invited at all - I understand that people have budgets. Their weddings are not THAT important in my life that I need someone to throw me a consolation party related to their wedding. Just be friends and hang out.

AddieCake · June 2015

You should never invite people to activities associated with the wedding if they aren't invited to the wedding itself. And ditto Heffalump on the consolation prize mentality. That's how I feel about people who plan to go on reception tour in multiple locations, as if everyone is just dying to be included.

climbingsingle · June 2015

As PP have said, it's very rude to invite someone to a shower and then not invite them to the wedding. You're basically saying, "Hey, bring me a gift for my upcoming wedding, but you're not being invited. Sorries!"

southernbelle0915 · June 2015

Very rude. Its rude to invite people to an event where you ask for presents but not to the main event where you host them and celebrate with them.

JuneKnottie · June 2015

I know your heart is in the right place as you try to be inclusive, but the PPs are right: no wedding invite, no shower invite. Instead of making these people feel included, they'll feel B-listed. They'll know they're good enough for a gift but not for the real party.

The good news is that just about everyone understands that weddings cost money, and most couples simply do not have unlimited budgets and can invite everyone they want to invite. People who are not invited will understand, so long as you do it tactfully: you can't invite half a family, for example, and if you're not inviting coworkers then don't talk about your wedding at work unless you're asked, in which case give a pleasant but succinct reply.

MyNameIsNot · June 2015

Ditto PPs. It's very rude to invite people to the shower when they aren't invited to the wedding.

Remember also that a shower should be your closest friends and family, not everyone invited to the wedding or every woman you know. Generally, your closest friends and family should still make the cut of 130 wedding guests, so this should be a non-issue.

[Deleted User] · June 2015

Mimi1jb said:

I just recently got engaged, yay!! Very exciting but stressful at the same time. Our date is set for June 4, 2016. We are trying to cut down on who to invitie which has sparked some small arguements as you can imagine. I wish i could invite 200 people but that definitely isnt within our budget. The 130 (we cut it down to from 160) is even cutting it. Now my question. Is it poor etiquette to invite those peope we coulndt invite to our wedding, to the bridal shower? I would love for them to be part of the experience somehow. Thoughts pease?

Dittoing PP's. Also wanted to add - bridal showers, at least in my opinion, are really NOT that fun for guests anyway. Although I understand that you don't want people to feel left out, being invited to a shower is not the way to do it. If that happened to me I'd probably decline, but on the off chance I didn't, I'd be like "UGH now I have to buy a gift AND sit through hours of weird games and watching her open presents and weird gift bow hats and plz kill me now." FTR, I do that for bridal showers I am invited to when I am ALSO invited to the wedding. And I just want to back up the sentiment that people will really and truly not be that offended if they are not invited to your wedding. So just don't worry about it.

Jen4948 · June 2015

Mimi1jb said:

I just recently got engaged, yay!! Very exciting but stressful at the same time. Our date is set for June 4, 2016. We are trying to cut down on who to invitie which has sparked some small arguements as you can imagine. I wish i could invite 200 people but that definitely isnt within our budget. The 130 (we cut it down to from 160) is even cutting it. Now my question. Is it poor etiquette to invite those peope we coulndt invite to our wedding, to the bridal shower? I would love for them to be part of the experience somehow. Thoughts pease?

Stuck in box

Yes. Unfortunately, if you cannot invite someone to your wedding, you will have to accept that they cannot "be part of the experience somehow."

Bridal shower etiquette. Help!!!

Re: Bridal shower etiquette. Help!!!

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