I've been seeing a lot of questions about thank you notes on this board lately. There seem to be quite a few of the same questions that keep popping up over and over again, so I thought I'd put together this primer (drawn from advice on the board as well as my own thoughts.) Feel free to suggest additions/revisions--I thought it would just be helpful to have something to direct people to rather than answering the same questions over and over again.
If I thanked someone
in person for a gift, do I still have to send them a thank you note?
Yes. Etiquette
dictates that a handwritten, personal note is the appropriate way to thank
someone for a gift, even if it is given in person (e.g. at a shower). Thank you notes are an opportunity to build
relationships with people and fully and genuinely express your appreciation for
their gift.
Can I thank someone
via email/text/phone call instead of sending a thank you note through the mail?
No. Again, etiquette
dictates that a handwritten note is appropriate. They have a certain level of elegance that
cannot be matched by emails, texts, or calls.
If someone takes the time and money to give you a personal gift, then a personal
note of thanks is the appropriate response.
Plus, people love getting thank you notes in the mail!
How long do I have to
send thank you notes out?
Thank you notes should be sent out a soon as possible after
gifts are received. If you receive gifts
before your wedding, you should not wait until after the wedding to send thank
you notes out—send them as soon as you can after a gift is received. People want to know that you received their
gift, and you will thank yourself for keeping on top of your thank you notes in
the long run!
Some people believe that since traditional etiquette
dictates that you have a year after a wedding to give a couple a wedding gift,
newly married couples have a year to send thank you notes out. This is NOT the case! People will often start to wonder whether you
received their gift about 4-6 weeks after the gift is sent. If you wait any longer, you risk the chance
that people will think you haven’t gotten their gift—or worse, that you are
rude and ungracious.
What should a thank
you note say?
A well-written, gracious thank you note need not be
long. Good thank you notes can be written
in three simple sentences. First: “Thank
you so much for the [DESCRIBE GIFT].”
Second: a sentence explaining how you intend to use the gift, why you
like it, or some other comment that lets the gift giver know how much you
appreciate their thoughtfulness and generosity.
Third: a closing sentence about your relationship with the gift
giver -- e.g. how much you enjoyed seeing them at the
wedding/shower, how you hope to see them the next time you are in town (for an
out-of-town gift giver), how you can’t wait to see them at an upcoming event,
including your wedding (appropriate for a shower or pre-wedding gift ONLY IF
they have already RSVPed yes to the wedding), or even just that you hope to see
them soon. Done!
Do I have to send a
thank you note to people who attended my wedding but did not get us a gift?
No. Your “thank you”
to people for attending your wedding is your (hopefully well-hosted) reception. You do not need to send thank you notes to
people who attended your wedding but did not give you a gift. In fact, it is seen by some people as
gift-grabby and/or calling attention to the fact that they didn’t get you
anything.
Are preprinted thank
you notes appropriate?
No. While they may
save time, a generic preprinted “thanks for your gift” note is not sufficient
to thank someone for taking the time and effort to give you a personal
gift. Take the time to write a
personalized note. We also discourage
the use of “thank you” cards printed with pictures of the Bride and Groom at
their wedding because they take time to print and can delay the sending of
thank you notes by weeks (or even months).
What if I get a group
gift from multiple people?
If you get a gift from multiple people, you should send
individual thank you notes out to each of the gift givers. For example:
if 5 people collectively buy you a KitchenAid mixer, you should send a
note to each of those 5 people individually thanking them for the gift.
Who should the thank
you note be from?
Traditional etiquette dictates that only the person who
actually writes the thank you note should sign it. However, having both the bride and groom sign
thank you notes is a victimless crime.
Just make sure that your language in the thank you note matches who
signs it (e.g. if the note says “Groom and I love the blender,” then Bride
should sign the note. If the note says “we
love the blender,” then Bride and Groom should sign the note.)