Let's share stories

speakeasy14 · July 2015

I was reading old threads on snarky brides and there was one about a chicken nugget (if you haven't read it yet, it is hilarious). I thought it would be fun to start our own spin off of that thread. So let's share bad date/hookup stories

Here is one of mine to start:

~ I was 22 and going through a complete rebound phase. I had no standards at all, basically if someone asked me out, I accepted.

First guy, socially awkward. Couldn't even make eye contact. Followed me around like a puppy dog, which I thought was adorable... until he tried to kiss me. Either he actually was a dog or he thought my face was an ice cream cone because he just kept licking my entire face. LICKING! like this:

I couldn't get away from this guy fast enough. A week later I find a present in my mailbox. The present was a gift bag filled with little kid toys (a lot of Hello Kitty stuff) With a card from him stating he was sorry but he found someone else... pretty sure I stared at the card and gift bag like this:

I threw the card out and gave the toys to my landlord's kids.

bethsmiles · July 2015

@speakeasy14 - But look at how happy Ariel is in your gif, clearly you are just weird about not wanting your face licked.

This is more of an awkward date story than a really bad date story:

One of mine and BF's very first dates was to go see a movie at the theater on campus. We were literally the only ones there. And apparently the theater was sponsored by the local sex shop and on Wednesdays they do a whole demonstration of all the products. Well guess what day we went? It wouldn't have been as weird if we weren't the only ones there. They guy was all well let me sit down next to you two and show you all these things to spice up your (non-existent) sex life.

AuroraRose41 · July 2015

@speakeasy14 yep you are totally weird to not like being licked

/s.

Let's see....there was the guy who I was watching a movie with in his dorm room our first time hanging out. He was a sweet guy, and seemed like one who I could hit it off with. Until he started bawling his eyes out mid way through the movie over his high school girlfriend. She had broken up with him 2 years prior to that. We were watching a drama that had just come out. I have no idea why he started crying to this day. I definitely did my best to calm him down, but I couldn't handle that as a relationship.

The other really bad one that comes to my mind is the day I met my ex's parents. His parents lived in the middle of nowhere, and he had a manual that he told me he would teach me how to drive. I was licensed by this point, but had never driven a manual. He decided to give me a lesson at his parents' house since it was surrounded by back country roads with very little traffic. Well, he had parked his truck in the garage. The garage was not at the end of the driveway, but rather at a right angle to the driveway (going down the driveway the garage was on the left). The lawn was across the driveway from the garage, and his parents had (large) light posts on the lawn along the driveway, with one light post directly across from the garage. I think you can see where this is going lol....

He wouldn't back his truck out of the garage for me, and I kept telling him that I wasn't comfortable backing it up having never driven a manual. He told me "back it out of the garage or I am not teaching you". So I reluctantly caved after a lot of arguing and said "okay, fine, I want to learn, so let's just do it". Guess who let the clutch out too quickly and ran over a light pole....this girl! I took it right out and the parents came running out to see what happened because they heard the noise. I was absolutely mortified and so apologetic, but also explained that I wasn't entirely comfortable starting in reverse and my ex didn't give me any other options. They were livid....AT HIM! They agreed with me that it was stupid of him to make me start in reverse and made him pay to replace the $2k pole. I broke up with him soon after that because we had been getting into a lot of stupid arguments and I didn't feel all that good about our relationship when he didn't listen to my feelings on things like this.

phira · July 2015

There was a guy I went out with a few times who was just THE WORST kisser probably. Like, I dunno man, when you are on top, you've gotta lean in enough so that the person under you does not strain their neck? And it's not like he was a good kisser except for that, so it wasn't like, "Oh well, my neck will hurt tomorrow but this guy sure knows what he's doing!"

I also figured that, since he kept kissing my neck that it meant he wanted me to kiss his, so I did, and I swear to god, he moaned like I was giving him head or something. Like, really vocal, loud moaning.

And I decided to go home around 10 or so because I lived on a different line and wanted to get home before the T stopped running, and I had to give every. damn. excuse in the book because he kept asking me to stay.

"I have to take out my contacts" I'LL RUN TO CVS FOR YOU

"I have to take my meds" NO PROB I HAVE ANTIHISTAMINES
"I have a bird who's never been home alone over night before and he doesn't really like or trust me yet" LOL WHO CARES HE'LL BE FINE

And more and more and more, jesus fucking christ, take the hint.

untouchablets · July 2015

I don't really have "bad date" stories because I never really went on real dates before BF lol, and I've only had two other "serious" boyfriends before BF and those were in my first two years of high school. I did date this one guy for a couple months, he was the band leader at the church youth group I went to. It was like three months after I was dumped by the guy I thought was the ~*~love of my life~*~ so he was the rebound. I was interested purely aesthetically and I guess he was lonely because within like a day we were dating. I was 16 and didn't get my license yet, and he was 19 and still didn't have his, so it was kinda silly. I only saw him at the youth group and we hung out before and after I guess. Anyway, within like ONE WEEK he was all "I'm in love with you" and as a newly damaged, still heartbroken teenager I was like

we wound up fighting all the time because he was all

And I might add he was also SUPER RELIGIOUS but in his own shitty way, telling me he hates Catholics and stuff (which I am), Long story short that relationship lasted way longer than it should have (for a two month relationship, that is not long lol) and I broke it off and he HATED ME FOR IT

MissKittyDanger · July 2015

Bad date/hook up stories .... uhm .... wow sadly I have a few haha!

{side note: any hook up was suppose to be a relationship but went basically to hell after hooking up .... lol}

Friend of mine lives out of town, and I was visiting her one weekend. I had been crushed a few months before by this guy I thought loved me, etc etc. REBOUND CITY haha! Went to bar, she set me up with a friend and we danced. Didn't feel spark, but another guy starts chatting me up. Cool! We had more in common. He adds me to fb and MSN, we chat, flirt etc. Webcam chats, talk about hanging out and hooking up the next weekend.

Since he lives in same town as my friend, I go see her again and he invites us to his place to pre-party. His friends love me, he ignores me. *hello red flags*

We all head off to bar, and I get ignored all night except for last song.

Idiot self, ends up going home with him despite my friend saying I shouldn't. {heart broken and drunk me wants to have fun - first guy after break up} We hook up in a field {don't judge ...} and he bails after. I have ZERO idea where I am, so I just kinda follow path back to his place.

Yup. Idiot self moment.

I sleep on his couch alone, and leave next morning. My friend meets me, and I'm legit doing walk of shame.

Next day I feel sick, and I get strep-throat. Karma lol

speakeasy14 · July 2015

These are awesome.

Ok story two:

Again rebound phase (seems to have the best stories)...

Met this guy through mutual friends, that was a few years younger than me. Not interested at all but he had tickets for Gabriel Iglesias (fluffy) so I went out with him. After the show we go back to his room and start messing around. The entire time the guy is creepy silent; should have been my first sign. He drops his pants and I swear a cactus came out of his pants. I've never seen something so spiky. I said I wasn't feeling well and went to sleep.

Few days later this kid texts me to say that he is making posters because he has reached his print max at school. He then tells me that he took one of my pictures from facebook and made a poster of me to hang over his bed. I freaked and told him to get rid of it. Then blocked his number.

He told our mutual friends he didn't know what happened or why I wouldn't talk to him. When I shared how creepy he was, the poster issue, and his cactus penis, they burst out laughing and said I should have ran away sooner.

MissKittyDanger · July 2015

@speakeasy14 Crying laughing over "cactus penis" oh dear god .... how did you not laugh or something? {I'm super awkward and would have laughed .... not out of being rude, just natural reaction lol}

speakeasy14 · July 2015

@mskittydanger I laughed about it after; I was kinda intrigued/mortified at first since I didn't know that was possible.

untouchablets · July 2015

Cactus Penis?!?! What in the world....

speakeasy14 · July 2015

@untouchablets I wish I made it up haha. Spikes coming out of the entire thing.

bride2b71614 · July 2015

Loving these stories! I should honestly thank OKCupid for bringing the man I am going to marry back into my life, and for all the horrible date stories I am able to provide.

I was on OKCupid for a few months, and I decided to go on a date with one guy who I had been exchanging messages with for a few weeks. We planned to get dinner then go ice skating afterwards. The dinner was nice, the conversation was great. We go to the ice skating rink, and everything was going okay. I am not sure if he was trying to show off his skills, but he was definitely a better skater than I was. While he had fancy footwork, I've been known to speed skate. He challenged me to a race, and I said okay. Well as we took off (I was beating him), a small child skated in front of me. There wasn't much time to stop so I fell, and fell HARD (laid out on my back hard). There was a group of people gathered around me, and he skates up and yells "IN YOUR FACEEEEE!!! IN YOUR FAAAAAAAACE!!! I WON!!! I WON BITCHES!" I was fine, but he never got a call back.

Again, OKCupid. There was a super sweet guy that I was talking to. We decided to meet up and grab coffee together. The date went on for the majority of the night, we were into each other, and he suggested that I come back to his place. I did, we had sex, and after we finished, he is sobbing. Like full on sobbing with snot dripping down his nose. I got super concerned and asked him what was wrong. He said that my vag felt like his ex girlfriends and that he missed her so much. I was creeped out, so I was kind of sitting there awkwardly patting his back saying there there, it will all be okay. I made up a lame excuse, got dressed and hightailed it out of there. He had the nerve to text me two weeks later to ask me to come over and have sex with him. Yeah, no, not happening bud.

Okcupid strikes again! I had a really cute guy message me. We had a lot of things in common, so we met up at a bar. We had a lot of fun, played darts and pool. It was awesome. We made out, he was a great kisser. I suggested that we go back to his place because I had a roommate who was uncomfortable with me bringing guests over. He said that he couldn't have me over at his place. I didn't question it. Then I started to notice weird things, during the remainder of the date his phone was blowing up, and there were a lot of hearts. I jokingly asked if that was his girlfriend. He pauses and says, "no its my fiancee, is it cool that I have a fiancee?" I asked if he was joking, and he said no. I looked at him and said, I dunno, maybe we should both call her together and see if she is cool with that. The date ended immediately.

I believe the saying you've got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince is true.

AlPacina · July 2015

I met a guy online after moving down to Portland. We had a great first date. We ate at a food cart and hung out in a park. Then he took me to the skating rink where he works. No one was there because it was only open on weekends. He said he always went to skate when it was closed and the owner was his friend. We smoked some weed, skated around, he made me a snow cone, and we listened to all the awesome 90s jams. Then we made out on a couch in the back office. To this day it's the funnest date I've ever been on.

We texted a ton for the next few days but never hung out because he was working long hours. Then he didn't text me for an entire weekend. . . Turns out he got arrested for breaking and entering at that same skate rink. The truth was he helped out with maintenance sometimes and just didn't give the guy his key back the most recent time he was hired. . . I felt pretty stupid. . . Also lucky I didn't get arrested.

speakeasy14 · July 2015

@alpacina omg

jenna8984 · July 2015

Hmmm trying to think. Oh my first real boyfriend was like the most abusive piece of shit in the world. So we were only 18 and decided to go to the ocean for a weekend and split 1 hotel room with another couple who were our good friends. Since we were all in college, didn't have much money for our own rooms. So we show up on Friday night and checked in and it's this nasty basement room of a motel- so gross even for that age/ price range. We were like ok whatever, we'll be out at the beach the whole time so the room doesn't matter. Nope. It decided to POUR that entire weekend so the 4 of us were like trapped in that room together. My ex was being his normal, abusive self towards me, like shoving me around, calling me a fucking dumb skank, etc. Our friends were pretty shocked because even though we hung out a lot, they had never seen the extent of it. They didn't want to overstep their bounds so they didn't tell him to stop or anything, it was like the elephant in the room. It was definitely one of the worst weekend's of my entire life.

Different guy- shortly before I met DH I went on a few dates with this guy. It was going ok. Then I went to a wedding and I had about 10 missed calls from him at the end of the night. On the ride home I called him, and he freaked out about how I was wrong for ignoring him all night and he needs to be able to talk to me and know what I'm doing while I'm not with him. I dumped him on the spot!!

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