FI Married to Guest List

bleve0821 · July 2015

My dad is paying for the venue and catering for my wedding in April. He hasn't exactly given us a dollar amount for what he's willing to pay, but the budget isn't limitless. My FI has an ENORMOUS close-knit family, so I know the catering bill is going to be high. The problem is, he also has lots of friends, and many of those friends have either invited him to their weddings or asked him to be a groomsman, so he thinks they would be offended if we didn't invite them.

Okay, he may have a point. I don't know. But he REFUSES to compromise on the rest of the guest list and keeps saying, "We need to invite this person, too." My dad is being very, very generous and has agreed to about 100 people, but the guest list, today, is at 120.

I don't want to have to cut my guest list any more than I already have, because it's only about a third of the total. But he will not compromise, and all we're doing is fighting about it. All I wanted was family and close friends, and he just keeps saying, "These are my close friends."

How do I get him to divorce himself from some of the people on his list?

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Bleve0821 said:

My dad is paying for the venue and catering for my wedding in April. He hasn't exactly given us a dollar amount for what he's willing to pay, but the budget isn't limitless. My FI has an ENORMOUS close-knit family, so I know the catering bill is going to be high. The problem is, he also has lots of friends, and many of those friends have either invited him to their weddings or asked him to be a groomsman, so he thinks they would be offended if we didn't invite them.

Okay, he may have a point. I don't know. But he REFUSES to compromise on the rest of the guest list and keeps saying, "We need to invite this person, too." My dad is being very, very generous and has agreed to about 100 people, but the guest list, today, is at 120.

I don't want to have to cut my guest list any more than I already have, because it's only about a third of the total. But he will not compromise, and all we're doing is fighting about it. All I wanted was family and close friends, and he just keeps saying, "These are my close friends."

How do I get him to divorce himself from some of the people on his list?

Tell him your dad is no longer paying for the catering. Let him figure out how much it costs to host people. Have him keep the people on the list he would pay $50-100 per person to host. See if that changes anything. Then take the money from dad and pay some of the bills with dad's money. But since you shouldn't count on dad's money until he's paid deposits or you have the money in your own checking account, you need to plan for the wedding You and your FI can pay for without any help.

KatWAG · July 2015

If your dad agree to pay for 100 and your fi wants to invite 120, then fi needs to pay for the extra 20 people.

southernbelle0915 · July 2015

I would do what adk suggested. Because since your dad's money isn't in your bank account, you can't plan on it. (Check out threads where promised money has fallen through.)

If your dad deposits money into your bank account, then you can figure out what you can afford, but you should NOT ask him for more money because your FI won't compromise. Your FI either needs to cut people or pay for the extra guests himself. His choice.

GeekyBride87 · July 2015

You have two options if he is refusing to compromise.

1. Tell him that the money you get from your dad will not go to catering.

2. Tell him that your dad agreed for 100 people. If he plans to invite more than that then he needs to come up with the money for the other 50.

Ugh, my fiance also tried inviting a bunch of randoms. Luckily we are paying for it ourselves, so I didn't have to deal with that. But I had to sit him down with our budget and guestlist and actually show him on paper how much it would cost in comparison to our budget.

I mean, I get not wanting to offend people but your buddy from high school that you're not even Facebook friends with and haven't talked to in ten years? Seriously, dude? And I'm sorry that your mom's only sister won't be invited but you can't even remember her name and she's never met you.

I think he felt like my family out numbered his. And they do. He's not close with his extended family like I am with mine. But I showed him on paper that he has double the amount of friends coming that I do so it does even out.

Our rule was that if we absolutely know that the person will not be able to make it, then they are cut. If we haven't talked to that person in more than two years, they are cut. We just kept making rules until the guest list matched our budget.

kvruns · July 2015

I would guess he doesn't care about the list because he doesn't think he is paying for it so he's happy to invite everyone. Figure out what it would cost and see if that changes his mind if he knew you guys were paying for all of those people and not your dad.

Don't fall into the trap of saying XX% won't come so we can just invite them all. Plan for 100% acceptance

AddieCake · July 2015

When he sees what it's going to cost HIM for the above 100 number, he may change his tune. Don't forget to include centerpieces for the extra tables in your calculations. Favors, too, if you are having them, or anything else that would cost money per head.

flbride2015 · July 2015

Also, make sure you have the money in the bank before you plan anything. Or plan a wedding you can afford to pay for yourself. As a PP mentioned, there have been a lot of brides/grooms who's parents or in-laws changed their mind at some point and didn't pay for stuff they had promised to pay for.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Is it possible that you and your fiancé come up with the money to invite the additional 20 people? That's the only way you're going to solve this issue if he refuses to compromise. e

CMGragain · July 2015

Are there other things your FI refuses to compromise about? Think about it before you marry this man.

Viczaesar · July 2015

I'm curious - what solution does he propose for this problem? Does he think your father should pay for 120 guests instead of 100? Does he think you should drop friends from your 1/3 of the guest list to accommodate his friends? Or does he plan on paying for the additional guests over what your father is willing to pay for? As far as I'm concerned, #1 or #2 are a big red flag.

jacques27 · July 2015

I know it's not what you asked, but honestly, I see the red flags, too. Red Flag 1 = refusing to compromise. Red Flag 2 = being perfectly fine spending other people's money without consequence.

Disagreements over money are cited as the leading cause for divorce. If he's acting this way now, what is it going to be like over other financial issues in the future? How do you handle finances together now?

And no one is responsible for paying for the wedding other than you and your FI. It's lovely that your father is willing to chip in and I don't begrudge you for accepting that gift from him, but it's not your father's responsibility and your FI needs to understand that and that the offer came with limits. If your FI doesn't want to compromise on the guest list, then he better be prepared to come up with the cash himself for anything above and beyond what your father is willing to pay. That's really all there is to it.

So, other than thinking long and hard about the scope of his behavior in this particular instance and what it might mean for how he approaches issues in the future, I would:

1. Make your father commit to a firm dollar amount that he's willing to spend and no more. Don't base it off of number of guests. That puts your father's finances in an ambiguous state because if you pick very expensive catering options on the premise that he promised to pay for X # of people but it ends up being more than your father anticipated, what's going to happen? Filet mignon and lobster for 100 is more expensive than marinara and alfredo pasta for 100 served buffet. Of course, if your original budget was based on filet and you figure out that serving alfredo allows you invite more guests, then maybe there are compromises that can be made there instead of in the guest list.

2. Calculate how many people you can afford based on that amount and then how much it would cost above and beyond that.

3. Present the options.
Option 1 = You and FI come up with the money for the extras.
Option 2 = He cuts the guest list.
Option 3 = The two of you come up with ways to compromise and make cuts on things that are not the guest list, such as find a cheaper venue, have your wedding earlier in the day (brunch and lunch are typically cheaper than dinner), have your wedding at a non-meal time and serve cake, punch, and a few savory items to tide people over and then they can be on their way to dinner on their own, or find cheaper catering options (picking pasta over filet, doing buffet instead of table service, catering in from a restaurant instead of going with a caterer).

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Simple, if dad is willing to cover the cost of 100 guests, tell FI that for anything over 100 you two will have to foot the bill for those. But break it down for him what each guest is costing. Don't give him the just per person cost of dinner. Figure out the following per guest

Cost of invite including postage
Cost of dinner
Based on how many people you can fit at a table at your venue, for every table you have to spend $x.xx for centerpiece
Favor (if you are doing them)
Cake - because for more people you need a bigger cake so everyone gets some, assuming this isn't included in your per person dinner costs
Escort cards

20 extra people doesn't seem like much, but once you add up the costs of what each guest actually costs, it could easily run an extra $100 per person depending on the cost of your venue and that's $2,000 you would need to come up with to accomodate the extra 20 people.

I also agree with another poster who mentioned, that ok, if he wants those 20 extra people and this is what they are going to cost you, then tell him what things he wanted that will have to be skipped or done with a reduced budget. Like is he willing to sacarifce the honeymoon to invite those extra guests?

Hopefully once he starts to see the details of the financial portion of it, he will come around.

FI Married to Guest List

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