Taking a break or breaking up?

MsMoraga · July 2015

Hey girls,

I've recently split from my fiancé, we started living together and it wasn't "peaches & cream", I was trying to get him to cooperate towards the housework and he seemed to be somewhat into it but I'm not sure if I pushed to hard that he cracked.

I also feel his mother & sister had a huge influence on our split, they kept asking him to come back home and he would not stay full time at either house.

Idk, it all started with not being able to sleep in the same bed, is that normal for a couple? Call me crazy, but could it be a way of him telling me he's not comfortable in the relationship? I have so many thoughts running at once through my head I am getting a migraine.

He says he loves me but he needs to take a break from our relationship because he was too stressed out...any suggestions on what to do or deal with this? should I wait and see what happens (obviously continue with my life, not sit and wait for him to come around)?

Just fyi we've been together for 6yrs & 5months and engaged for a year

AddieCake · July 2015

MsMoraga said:

Hey girls,
I've recently split from my fiancé, we started living together and it wasn't "peaches & cream", I was trying to get him to cooperate towards the housework and he seemed to be somewhat into it but I'm not sure if I pushed to hard that he cracked.
I also feel his mother & sister had a huge influence on our split, they kept asking him to come back home and he would not stay full time at either house.
Idk, it all started with not being able to sleep in the same bed, is that normal for a couple? Call me crazy, but could it be a way of him telling me he's not comfortable in the relationship? I have so many thoughts running at once through my head I am getting a migraine.
He says he loves me but he needs to take a break from our relationship because he was too stressed out...any suggestions on what to do or deal with this? should I wait and see what happens (obviously continue with my life, not sit and wait for him to come around)?
Just fyi we've been together for 6yrs & 5months and engaged for a year

Why couldn't you sleep in the same bed? You mean he didn't want to? The bed is too small? He snores?

huskypuppy14 · July 2015

Don't sleep with someone from the copy place.

MsMoraga · July 2015

We have a queen bed, he said I grind my teeth and snore when I sleep, he says he wakes up with any noise, and he's always complaining about temperature.

MsMoraga · July 2015

Love friends, I remember that episode

justsie · July 2015

What does your FI claim to be stressed out about? If that is the reason he wanted to go on a break I'd want to know more.... also, what kind of break is this? Just a step away from living together situation or are you two no longer considered in a relationship.

huskypuppy14 · July 2015

MsMoraga said:

We have a queen bed, he said I grind my teeth and snore when I sleep, he says he wakes up with any noise, and he's always complaining about temperature.

My grandparents slept is separate beds for as long as I remember. My grandfather snored loudly. They were happily married until my grandfather died.

I don't think separate beds are a problem; some people just need their own space. The fact that he told you he needs to take a break from the relationship means he's not comfortable in the relationship, not the separate beds.

DarthV8r · July 2015

huskypuppy14 said:
Don't sleep with someone from the copy place.

We had the same thoughts.

MsMoraga · July 2015

I actually remember my grandparents also sleeping in separate beds in the same room also.

Basically he asked for a break, I said no, that If that is what he wanted we should break up.

redheadbride15 · July 2015

Yeah, I agree with the PPs. Other than the Friends references - I think he needs to concretely explain to you why he was stressed out and needs a break. If he can't do that then I don't see this going anywhere good in the near future... Sorry, that sucks

DarthV8r · July 2015

Didn't you guys ever sleep together before moving in with each other?

AddieCake · July 2015

A check of your posting history has me wondering why you are surprised this isn't working.

STARMOON44 · July 2015

In 6 years this didn't come up? And he didn't actually even move in with you? But slept somewhere else sometimes? I'm not even convinced you're his only girl! Break up with him and keep it that way he's not worth your time.

CMGragain · July 2015

Love is NOT all you need. Wave goodbye, and find someone who deserves you.

southernbelle0915 · July 2015

AddieCake said:
A check of your posting history has me wondering why you are surprised this isn't working.

This.

I think needing a break "because he's stressed" is odd. That answer wouldn't be good enough for me. Couples should be each others rock in times of stress.

lnixon8 · July 2015

How long did you live together for before he moved out (temporarily or not)? The first month of living with DH, or ANYONE can be difficult.

onefootinthebayou · July 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

AddieCake said:
A check of your posting history has me wondering why you are surprised this isn't working.
This.

I think needing a break "because he's stressed" is odd. That answer wouldn't be good enough for me. Couples should be each others rock in times of stress.

Also, this guy is untrustworthy. He's the one who "pulls details from nowhere to strengthen his arguments" with her. Sooooo, he's a liar.

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this but it really sounds like this is not the guy for you. I've told you to run before and my advice is the same.

Before I met DH, I had been SERIOUSLY in love with 2 other guys. Like head over heels, would have done anything for them, etc. I couldn't believe how much it hurt at the time when we broke up. With the 2nd guy, I just wanted to give up on dating altogether. Now, I often think of how incredibly grateful I am that those relationships didn't work out and I was able to find the kind of love I didn't even know existed with this guy who is currently snoring next to me. When you find that person that you can't wait to spend the rest of your life with and who can't wait to spend theirs with you, you know it. I'm sorry to say I can guarantee it doesn't feel like what you are describing now or have in the past.

You deserve the real kind of love. Walk away from this bad relationship and hold out for it. Hell, it takes courage b/c you have to be prepared to be alone for awhile before it comes along - but when it does, it will have been worth the wait.

lyndausvi · July 2015

I'm sure this is an unpopular opinion, but 6 years and 5 months together, not married, just moved in together and he now needs a break?

You gave it a good go, but it's time to cut your losses and move on.

MsMoraga said:

Hey girls,
I've recently split from my fiancé, we started living together and it wasn't "peaches & cream", I was trying to get him to cooperate towards the housework and he seemed to be somewhat into it but I'm not sure if I pushed to hard that he cracked. What does that even mean? It's his home too, you should have to help with the housework. We do not living in Donna Reed and June Cleaver world anymore. The little women is not responsible for the housework. One should not be cracking over housework.
That said, it does not mean things need to be done 50/50 all the time. This time of year DH works 7 days a week 12-15 hour days. I take care of most of the housework these days because, well, I'm home and he isn't. Come the fall his is only working 5 days a week more like 8 hours a day. So he picks up more. It's an Eb and Flo situation for us.

We also request each others strengths and weaknesses. DH is good and dusting and vacuuming and more importantly he enjoys those tasks. So he does that. He is horrible at cleaning the bathroom. I would get no where if all I did was nag him to clean the bathroom. He hates it, he bad at the task. The path of least resistance is to just pick up the task myself.
Timeframe: My timeframe of when things should be done and DH's is different. I had to learn to take a step back and stop nagging him to get things done on my timeframe. I had to learn that there is more than one what to get something done and if I wanted his help I had to allow him to do it his way on his time. No I do not let him vacuum once a year, but I'm okay that he does it every 10 days when I would prefer it done every 7.
I also feel his mother & sister had a huge influence on our split, they kept asking him to come back home and he would not stay full time at either house.
This is nothing but a red flag. Plus if mommy is always doing everything for him, it explains not wanting to do housework. He wants a mom, not a wife.

Idk, it all started with not being able to sleep in the same bed, is that normal for a couple? Call me crazy, but could it be a way of him telling me he's not comfortable in the relationship? I have so many thoughts running at once through my head I am getting a migraine.
It's not unusual for there to be an adjustment period when you start sharing a bed. Heck, there is an adjustment with a new surrounding, new bed, new whatever. There is a whole lot of new going on when you move in with someone.
If you really want it to work out you need to give it time and keep trying different things. So he sleeps lightly, has he tired ear plugs? Have you tried a mouth guard and breathe strips to stop grinding your teeth and stop snoring?
We figured out that we can not share a blanket. We just can't. NBD. I have a comfortable and top sheet on my side. DH has just a blanket on his side. Works perfectly for us. Sometimes it's trial and error, but BOTH of you need to work together to figure it out.
He says he loves me but he needs to take a break from our relationship because he was too stressed out...any suggestions on what to do or deal with this? should I wait and see what happens (obviously continue with my life, not sit and wait for him to come around)?
I would break up. As I said above sometimes you have to cut your loses. I know it's hard since you have "invested" 6+ years, but that is not a good enough reason to be with someone who doesn't seem to want to be with you.
Just fyi we've been together for 6yrs & 5months and engaged for a year

Good luck.

MsMoraga · July 2015

Thank you. You have all been helpful. I am thinking of heading to my dads house for a couple of months to clear my head and detox from this relationship.

CMGragain · July 2015

I'm .guessing that your family will be very happy about this decision. Best wishes.

MairePoppy · July 2015

I agree with Lynda. If, after 6 years, he doesn't want to marry you, it's time to move on. Don't wait for him to resolve his issues.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2015

STARMOON44 said:
In 6 years this didn't come up? And he didn't actually even move in with you? But slept somewhere else sometimes? I'm not even convinced you're his only girl! Break up with him and keep it that way he's not worth your time.

I'm catching up, but this in and of itself isn't a red flag for me. I dated my DH for 12 years before we got married and we didn't live with each other during that time.

PPs are hitting what would be red flags to me, though.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

This is tricky. I know of a lot of couples that have been engaged, broken up for strange seemingly random reasons, and then got back together in time to have a wedding and a decent lasting (so far) marriage. However, Maybe the stress of the wedding or the realization that "THIS IS IT!" is making his true colors show. This is a situation for a woman's gut to determine. If you know, deep down, that something isn't right, then maybe it's time to cut your losses, focus on yourself for a while, and later find someone that adores and cherishes you.

vikinganna87 · July 2015

I agree with PPs. I also read your previous posts about your "needy fiancé" and his oddness surrounding your engagement to get more context. You deserve MUCH better. It sucks and it's not fun but you're definitely better off without this guy. Going to your dad's house sounds like a really good idea. BIG HUG and good luck!

[Deleted User] · July 2015

I guess I have a few questions before having an opinion. OP, you said you were dating for 6 years. Maybe this doesn't matter, but I am wondering how old you are? Just FTR, I am 24 and have been dating my (now) FI for a little over 10 years. That being said, we did not live together at all until our senior year of college, and now we half-live together (because we work in different states, temporarily). Yeah, we dated for 10 years, but we've really only had a more serious, adult relationship for about the past 4-5 years, where we discussed things like future goals, money, kids, religion, etc. And I always thought moving in with FI would be easy-peasy, since we theoretically knew everything about each other already, but it's not all flowers and sparkles. We had to work a lot of things out simply because we are different people who now share a (very small, NY apartment) space.

For example, prior to leaving home, FI rarely did any cleaning. His mom is neurotic about cleaning so she just did it because her kids never did it right. That was a problem, until I was like "OH, HELL to the NO! I am not doing all the cleaning." Now FI cleans up after himself, or I pile it all in a place that is obnoxious for him.

Same goes for sharing a bed. FI is a really rough sleeper. Never in my life have I encountered someone who literally half jumps out of bed every time he wants to turn over. It woke me up for a while, until I got used to it. He is also a bed hog. I've perfect the art of turning into a living rock and refusing to move and/or shoving him over when he encroaches in "my space."

It's all about finding a balance that works for you. It isn't going to be easy off the bat. It takes adjusting.

Now, if your FI is NOT willing to work on things, and he just wants to run home to mommy, that is a problem. Being in a relationship requires communication and work. Living together requires, arguably, even more work. Both people have to want to make it work.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, OP. I haven't read any of your other posts, so I can't weigh in on anything else.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

MairePoppy said:

I agree with Lynda. If, after 6 years, he doesn't want to marry you, it's time to move on. Don't wait for him to resolve his issues.

Agreed. If it's hard to move on after 6 years, imagine how much harder it could be after 8 or 10...

Taking a break or breaking up?

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