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Stepmom asks to bring 3 extended family members I've never met to our wedding.

Knottie28212259Knottie28212259 member
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I received this text from my stepmom this morning:

"Hi girl. . I was wondering about your wedding. My sister mom and niece are visiting in Oct. Any chance they can attend your wedding? They would really enjoy dressing up and meeting you."
I hear about people doing this sort of thing all the time, but I still didn't see this coming. We're having a private ceremony and an invite only reception after - no kids (a whole other stress for me). I've never met them before. I realize they're my stepmom's family, I get that. And she doesn't get to see them very often, I get that, too. But now I've been put in a completely awkward position. We have a guest limit and a budget, and a comfort level we'd like to maintain, and I feel like meeting new people at my own wedding is NOT what I want to do. My own mom isn't inviting any extended family at all, so if I let my stepmom do it, then I would feel like I need to let my mom do it as well, and that would mean even more people that I don't know very well on a day when I'd prefer to know everyone there. My stepmom is very "family inclusive", almost to a fault. I don't think she realizes what she's asking, or the discomfort her request brings to me. Help! 
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Re: Stepmom asks to bring 3 extended family members I've never met to our wedding.

  • Knottie28212259Knottie28212259 member
    First Comment
    In addition: I'm also afraid she's going to get offended when she finds out it's a no kid zone. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Tell her gently that you're sorry, but it's not possible to add any more people to the guest list now. Don't make any specific mention of her relatives or that it's adults only.
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  • WinstonsGirlWinstonsGirl member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Who is paying?  If she is paying all/some, she can have some say in the guest list.  If you're paying, see above.  

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  • Knottie28212259Knottie28212259 member
    First Comment
    We're paying for everything. No members of either side are contributing financially at all. 
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    You can tell her that you can't accommodate any extra guests.

    Question -- you say you're having a private ceremony; is your SM invited to that? Is she asking that they be allowed to attend the ceremony too?
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  • Knottie28212259Knottie28212259 member
    First Comment
    Yeah - she's invited to everything, and she's asking for her relatives to be invited to everything as well. :-/
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I agree with everyone else - you are well within your rights to tell her (nicely) that you can't accommodate any guests beyond the ones you were already planning to invite. Frankly, I think it was rather impolite of her to ask you.
    image
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    You do not have to allow them to attend.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I don't find it all that terrible for to ask, especially if they just happen to be in town- just say no.
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  • MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Knottie28212259 said:
    I received this text from my stepmom this morning:

    "Hi girl. . I was wondering about your wedding. My sister mom and niece are visiting in Oct. Any chance they can attend your wedding? They would really enjoy dressing up and meeting you."
    I hear about people doing this sort of thing all the time, but I still didn't see this coming. We're having a private ceremony and an invite only reception after - no kids (a whole other stress for me). I've never met them before. I realize they're my stepmom's family, I get that. And she doesn't get to see them very often, I get that, too. But now I've been put in a completely awkward position. We have a guest limit and a budget, and a comfort level we'd like to maintain, and I feel like meeting new people at my own wedding is NOT what I want to do. My own mom isn't inviting any extended family at all, so if I let my stepmom do it, then I would feel like I need to let my mom do it as well, and that would mean even more people that I don't know very well on a day when I'd prefer to know everyone there. My stepmom is very "family inclusive", almost to a fault. I don't think she realizes what she's asking, or the discomfort her request brings to me. Help! 


    I do find it rude of her to ask you, because it is rude to self invite others to someone else's event.   You are under NO obligation to include anyone.  Are you leaving immediately for a honeymoon?  If not, IF you wanted, you could suggest meeting them a day or two following your wedding.  However, I agree with everyone else.  Simply say it's a shame their visit conflicts with the wedding, but that you are unable to add any additional guests to your list.  Say nothing else.  If she were to be rude enough again to press the issue, simply repeat, and change the subject.
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  • redheadbride15redheadbride15 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Both my mother and stepmother asked to add-on family members that I don't know or aren't close to long after my guest list was finalized. I didn't find it rude that they asked, but I also had no problem declining to add them. And they had no problems when I said "no". I think a lot of people will make suggestions like this but it's not rude unless they demand it, or press the issue after the bride & groom have said "no".
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  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    You are not required to accomodate them and you shouldn't feel bad for saying no.

    I get what you mean about your SM being super family inclusive, but it is an etiquette faux pas to invite people to someone else's event. Particularly a wedding- with a private ceremony at that! Not like we're talking about a casual house party.

    I would tell her, "No I am sorry, we are unable to accomodate them at the wedding." And leave it at that.

    I recommend explaining yourself as little as possible. Mainly because you don't have to, and second, because when you give reasons for things (small ceremony, limited budget, then you'd have to invite more of your mom's family, etc) it gives people room to think of "solutions" to the "problem" they see (which isn't a problem at all... these people just aren't invited).

    If you feel like you want to give her some reasoning, you could tell her that it is an intimate event and the guest list is finalized.

    But honestly, don't feel bad for not accomodating them. Your wedding isn't a family reunion. If she wants you to meet them, she can invite you over for dinner one night. If she wants to have all of her family together, that's a separate party she can host on her own time.

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  • pegasuskatpegasuskat member
    First Comment Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    I would tell her that you can't add any quests at this point, but that you would love to meet them in the future.
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  • Knottie28212259Knottie28212259 member
    First Comment
    edited July 2015
    Thank you guys so much! I responded just now with this:

    "I'm so sorry, but we are keeping the ceremony small and intimate with only the people who are close to us. The reception is budgeted for a certain number of guests. We are having a dinner the night before, and brunch the following day, and they are welcome to come to both of those!"

    We will see how that goes over. >.<
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  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    What will you do if she says "Oh, if they're out of your budget for the reception, we will pay for them" ?
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  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    aurianna said:
    What will you do if she says "Oh, if they're out of your budget for the reception, we will pay for them" ?
    This is why I suggest explaining yourself as little as possible. Thus, (for future, or lurkers) I would say, "We are choosing to have an intimate wedding and the guest list is finalized".

    If you say you have a budget, they offer to pay for the guests. If you say "only those we are close to", they say, "Oh but they're FAMILY". Etc...

    Hope the conversation goes well and your SM leaves it at that!
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