Etiquette questions concerning my dad's comfort?

[Deleted User] · July 2015

So I've been lurking for a while and I feel pretty confident that my upcoming wedding is going to go off without a hitch, as far as etiquette is concerned. I do have some questions about the reception though, and only pertaining to my dad's level of comfort.

Some back story: my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's 18 years ago. That being said, he's probably in the middle stages of it. He can't walk without a cane (balance issues) and has a lot of trouble with certain foods. In addition, he's the pickiest eater I've ever met. So of the food he even likes on a personal level, he can't have most because of the PD.

My questions are:

1) Would it be rude to have my venue reserve a table for him at our cocktail hour? He certainly can't stand for an extended period of time and while I expect my family/friends to allow him to sit, I'd prefer if it was the table closest to the elevator so he doesn't need to maneuver around too much. Our cocktail hour is held on the mezzanine level of the venue, while the reception itself is in the ballroom so I'd like him to be close to the elevator since he'll need to use it. (To clarify, there are also two sets of stairs. Everyone is welcome to use the elevator but I think most people will just use the stairs)

2) I know all menu options need to be offered to everyone. If my dad chooses the beef option, would it be ok etiquette-wise to ask my venue to alter it slightly? It's porcini-dusted filet. Dad hates mushrooms/mushroom flavor and the beef option is really the only one he'd be able to eat. On the other hand, I don't want someone else who may not like mushrooms to get upset because they would have gotten the filet if it wasn't dusted with mushrooms.

I think this is really long - sorry. I want to make sure my wedding is blunder-free, but I also want my dad to be as comfortable and happy as possible. I think I'm overthinking. Thanks in advance

[Deleted User] · July 2015

I'm going to say that both of these requests are fine because you're ensuring your guests' comfort and well being. Your dad has some special needs- anyone who begrudges him that is an ass hat.

Specifically with regard to the food, you're not giving your dad something different / better just because "he's your dad" or a "VIP." It's because he really can't eat it. That's no different that accommodating a food allergy, a vegetarian/vegan, etc.

With regard to the seating, etc. again, you've not planned ONLY for your dad to have a chair / spot to the exclusion of others, you're just allowing him to sit in the most convenient place because of a disability.

I think you're in the clear here, personally.

ETA: seating info

AddieCake · July 2015

I think it's fine.

Jen4948 · July 2015

1) This would be reasonable.

2) I think you can ask your venue to prepare your dad's without the mushrooms.

lyndausvi · July 2015

Both reasonable. You are not serving him lamb and everyone else chicken. He is getting the same dish with just a modification. For all one knows there is a food allergy.

I would have to question my relationship with ANYONE who complains about a reserved table for someone with special needs, let alone the bride's father.

sparklepants41 · July 2015

Both of your ideas are perfectly reasonable. My father has MS and also cannot walk without a cane - I gave the wedding planner at my venue a heads-up about this and they were more than accommodating. Definitely talk to your venue - and I am sure all of your guests will understand and not feel put off by this.

novella1186 · July 2015

I agree with PP. You're in the clear with both of these.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Everything you mentioned doing is within reason and acceptable. Etiquette is making every guest comfortable without offending others. If anyone is offended by a reserved seat for a person with a special circumstance, then they aren't very nice people. Meals are the same way. One of my friends has a dietary issue and is having modifications made to her meal.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Thanks everyone! I thought those things would be fine, but it's starting to get close and I think I'm just getting in my head. Almost all of my other questions were answered just by reading here so this is a big help

hyechica81 · July 2015

if someone else really wanted the beef option without the mushrooms than they can tell you a head of time.

i had guest with an egg alergy and could not eat the chicken as it was. so i asked the venue to make her plain grilled chicken instead

00kim00 · July 2015

Are there enough chairs for EVERYONE to sit during cocktail hour? Since you said "while I expect my family/friends to allow him to sit..." it sounds like he may only get a seat if you reserve him one; otherwise only the lucky first people in the room get a seat unless they give theirs up for someone they know is disabled. If you have seats for everyone, reserving him one in a specific location is fine. If you don't have enough seats for everyone, that's not OK and you need more seats.

artbyallie · July 2015

00kim00 said:

Are there enough chairs for EVERYONE to sit during cocktail hour? Since you said "while I expect my family/friends to allow him to sit..." it sounds like he may only get a seat if you reserve him one; otherwise only the lucky first people in the room get a seat unless they give theirs up for someone they know is disabled. If you have seats for everyone, reserving him one in a specific location is fine. If you don't have enough seats for everyone, that's not OK and you need more seats.

This. You shouldn't be expecting anyone to stand for any length of time during any part of your wedding and reception.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

00kim00 said:

Are there enough chairs for EVERYONE to sit during cocktail hour? Since you said "while I expect my family/friends to allow him to sit..." it sounds like he may only get a seat if you reserve him one; otherwise only the lucky first people in the room get a seat unless they give theirs up for someone they know is disabled. If you have seats for everyone, reserving him one in a specific location is fine. If you don't have enough seats for everyone, that's not OK and you need more seats.

No, there should be enough chairs for everyone. I've been working under that assumption, at least, since I went to a mock wedding at the venue and there was plenty of seating. I just meant from the perspective of seeing him struggle. The mezzanine level follows the long side of the ballroom and the two short sides; the elevator is located at the corner near the bar. I just want him to be able to sit at the first table near the elevator since he'll probably be one of the last people up there (ceremony is in the ballroom, and then he'll be in the receiving line with me and my fiancee as people leave the ballroom to go upstairs).

That being said, I'll definitely be double checking with my wedding coordinator now because it didn't even cross my mind that they might not put out enough seats.

SP29 · July 2015

Both are very acceptable.

If anyone gets pissy that your dad has a reserved table by the elevator then they are being jerks! But I highly doubt anyone would ever think that way.

As for dinner, I would put that in the same category as someone who has a food allergy- those modifications get made all the time.

lyndausvi · July 2015

artbyallie said:

00kim00 said:

Are there enough chairs for EVERYONE to sit during cocktail hour? Since you said "while I expect my family/friends to allow him to sit..." it sounds like he may only get a seat if you reserve him one; otherwise only the lucky first people in the room get a seat unless they give theirs up for someone they know is disabled. If you have seats for everyone, reserving him one in a specific location is fine. If you don't have enough seats for everyone, that's not OK and you need more seats.

This. You shouldn't be expecting anyone to stand for any length of time during any part of your wedding and reception.

For a true cocktail hour (60 minutes) you do not need seating for 100% of the guests. Guest mingle during this time. You need some seating, just not 100%.

Trust me. I've worked more cocktail hours then I can count. The few seats people have are often empty.

Any longer then 60-75 minutes then you need more seating as people start to get tired.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Both are reasonable.

To make it easier for the staff, when giving final details and confirming the arrangements for the special meal for your dad, just let the venue coordinator know that your dad's name and what table he will be sitting at. I did this for two special meals that I needed at my wedding. The servers were great and went to the tables and just asked "and which of you lovely ladies is Jane" and they were provided their meal.

artbyallie · July 2015

ashleyl310 said:

00kim00 said:

Are there enough chairs for EVERYONE to sit during cocktail hour? Since you said "while I expect my family/friends to allow him to sit..." it sounds like he may only get a seat if you reserve him one; otherwise only the lucky first people in the room get a seat unless they give theirs up for someone they know is disabled. If you have seats for everyone, reserving him one in a specific location is fine. If you don't have enough seats for everyone, that's not OK and you need more seats.

No, there should be enough chairs for everyone. I've been working under that assumption, at least, since I went to a mock wedding at the venue and there was plenty of seating. I just meant from the perspective of seeing him struggle. The mezzanine level follows the long side of the ballroom and the two short sides; the elevator is located at the corner near the bar. I just want him to be able to sit at the first table near the elevator since he'll probably be one of the last people up there (ceremony is in the ballroom, and then he'll be in the receiving line with me and my fiancee as people leave the ballroom to go upstairs).

That being said, I'll definitely be double checking with my wedding coordinator now because it didn't even cross my mind that they might not put out enough seats.

Yay! And in that case, yes, it is absolutely okay to reserve the first table next to the elevator for immediate family. And that's what I'd put on the reserved sign so it's not quite singling him out and make sense why you wouldn't assign other tables.

drunkenwitch · July 2015

Just adding my voice to thise two requests being reasonable. I also think it's wonderful how considerate you are being. Anyone who gets snippy about a chair being reserved for someone with mobility issues is not your fault or your problem.

yogadevil · July 2015

My father has advanced Parkinsons so we faced many of these things as well

-We did an extra wide aisle so he could escort me comfortably, we placed our chairs for the ceremony further apart so he wouldn't have to navigate awkwardly while being seated. He was hell bent on using a walker instead of a wheelchair, and despite him not being able to walk well at all, it was a powerful moment for all of us. I am his full time caregiver so in a way it was touchingly symbolic that he had to lean on me heavily down the aisle, before giving me away. We just took our time getting to the alter

We kept the lines of communication open in our planning phase of the wedding to ensure we didn't overlook anything accidentally as well.

-He asked for consideration during pictures, he preferred being "propped up" with a cane and holding on to someone or leaning against something, or sitting, for all photos. The photographer knew this and it took some effort and a little extra time with posing and logistics and stuff. But everything turned out beautifully. He was touched that he could look his best for pictures and it wasn't a big deal to accomodate at all.

-we had seating for all guests, not just him, at both the cocktail hour and dinner

-our guests were able to order as they pleased off a full menu so everyone, including him and a vegan guest and a gluten free groom had access to food they could eat comfortably. We brought my dad's "steady spoon" (a utensil that counteracts hand tremors) for him to eat and our venue was awesome and did some puree magic on his lamb chops, and plated his meal beautifully so he didn't feel like he was eating baby food. They didnt make a big deal out of it and being served dinner flowed very well. We tucked a nice linen napkin over his suit/tie in case he dribbled instead of the plastic we use at home. I also had decorated hand wipes at every setting so he didn't feel out of place at clean up time. I was probably too excited how they turned out, I spent like $50 on those damn things but they turned out beautifully

-My DH announced when my dad would be giving his toast, my dad has trouble speaking (his control over his tongue isn't the best, he slurs and drools a bit) so DH asked for everyone's attention to ease my dad's anxiety about "messing up" in front of a crowd. Our wedding was super tiny, 15 guests and all family, so there was a lot of love and patience and everyone was compassionate when he had to do a few lines over again

No one's going to side eye accomodating your guests, just make sure that all guests have access to the same accommodations should they want to.

Like I said our wedding was small (but still a traditional wedding with all the bells and whistles) but I see no reason why similar accomodations would be more difficult in a larger wedding

I will also give a shout out to the amazing restaurant we had dinner at- no request was overlooked or seemed awkward, which was important to my dad as attention makes him anxious and embarrassed. They ROCKED. Maybe give your venue a heads up that some guests may need help?

Have fun!

MrsMack10612 · July 2015

@lyndausvi - I'm glad you said that. I was starting to think I blundered at my wedding. I had asked here about # of seats for the cocktail hour and I was told if I had enough seats for 50-60% of guests, that would be fine. Recently I've seen a lot of folks saying you need 100% for the cocktail hour.

We made special considerations for my mom as well. She was disabled and in a wheelchair. She also needed a special chair that was sturdy with armrests. We rented one chair for her and everyone else had nice-ish folding chairs. We just put a reserved sign at the place setting. Of course, we still had to shuffle my (F)FIL out of the spot.

lyndausvi · July 2015

MrsMack10612 said:

@lyndausvi - I'm glad you said that. I was starting to think I blundered at my wedding. I had asked here about # of seats for the cocktail hour and I was told if I had enough seats for 50-60% of guests, that would be fine. Recently I've seen a lot of folks saying you need 100% for the cocktail hour.

We made special considerations for my mom as well. She was disabled and in a wheelchair. She also needed a special chair that was sturdy with armrests. We rented one chair for her and everyone else had nice-ish folding chairs. We just put a reserved sign at the place setting. Of course, we still had to shuffle my (F)FIL out of the spot.

Glad I can help.

I feel like this site has a skewed amount of people who have issues requiring them to need a seat. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying they are exaggerating their own issues, nor am I saying you do not seat for 100% of the people for the reception or ceremony.

It's just my own experience, working many cocktail hours in various locations in the states and islands. The vast majority of the people stand and mingle during that hour. They just do. They do not just walked in and plop their asses down and let people come to them. Especially if they are part of the family. They see cousins and aunts they haven't seen in a while. They start talking. Then see someone else and talk to them. Then they go to the bar. Then to the bathroom to freshen up. Then they run into yet another person. Next thing you know it's been an hour.

simcal18 · July 2015

lyndausvi said:

MrsMack10612 said:

@lyndausvi - I'm glad you said that. I was starting to think I blundered at my wedding. I had asked here about # of seats for the cocktail hour and I was told if I had enough seats for 50-60% of guests, that would be fine. Recently I've seen a lot of folks saying you need 100% for the cocktail hour.

We made special considerations for my mom as well. She was disabled and in a wheelchair. She also needed a special chair that was sturdy with armrests. We rented one chair for her and everyone else had nice-ish folding chairs. We just put a reserved sign at the place setting. Of course, we still had to shuffle my (F)FIL out of the spot.

Glad I can help.

I feel like this site has a skewed amount of people who have issues requiring them to need a seat. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying they are exaggerating their own issues, nor am I saying you do not seat for 100% of the people for the reception or ceremony.

It's just my own experience, working many cocktail hours in various locations in the states and islands. The vast majority of the people stand and mingle during that hour. They just do. They do not just walked in and plop their asses down and let people come to them. Especially if they are part of the family. They see cousins and aunts they haven't seen in a while. They start talking. Then see someone else and talk to them. Then they go to the bar. Then to the bathroom to freshen up. Then they run into yet another person. Next thing you know it's been an hour.

I agree with this. I have been to a lot of well hosted weddings, and I don't know that I've ever been to one where there was room for every single person to sit down at cocktail hour at the same time. It's not necessary, and I don't think I've ever seen anyone other than a few posters here suggest otherwise. Cocktail hour is for mingling. Sure, you need some seating. But the vast majority of guests are going to be up and moving around. There's nothing wrong with that. It's only a problem if you have insufficient seating for your cocktail hour and/or the dinner part of your reception.

MrsMack10612 · July 2015

@lyndausvi and @bostonbride2015 - It's over and done - my wedding was 2.5 years ago. But I tried very hard to not have any etiquette faux pas or at least no major ones.

I saw very few folks sitting at my cocktail hour, so I wasn't too concerned, we also had pretty lively music too, so lots of folks were gathered around the musicians.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

bostonbride2015 said:

lyndausvi said:

MrsMack10612 said:

@lyndausvi - I'm glad you said that. I was starting to think I blundered at my wedding. I had asked here about # of seats for the cocktail hour and I was told if I had enough seats for 50-60% of guests, that would be fine. Recently I've seen a lot of folks saying you need 100% for the cocktail hour.

We made special considerations for my mom as well. She was disabled and in a wheelchair. She also needed a special chair that was sturdy with armrests. We rented one chair for her and everyone else had nice-ish folding chairs. We just put a reserved sign at the place setting. Of course, we still had to shuffle my (F)FIL out of the spot.

Glad I can help.

I feel like this site has a skewed amount of people who have issues requiring them to need a seat. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying they are exaggerating their own issues, nor am I saying you do not seat for 100% of the people for the reception or ceremony.

It's just my own experience, working many cocktail hours in various locations in the states and islands. The vast majority of the people stand and mingle during that hour. They just do. They do not just walked in and plop their asses down and let people come to them. Especially if they are part of the family. They see cousins and aunts they haven't seen in a while. They start talking. Then see someone else and talk to them. Then they go to the bar. Then to the bathroom to freshen up. Then they run into yet another person. Next thing you know it's been an hour.

I agree with this. I have been to a lot of well hosted weddings, and I don't know that I've ever been to one where there was room for every single person to sit down at cocktail hour at the same time. It's not necessary, and I don't think I've ever seen anyone other than a few posters here suggest otherwise. Cocktail hour is for mingling. Sure, you need some seating. But the vast majority of guests are going to be up and moving around. There's nothing wrong with that. It's only a problem if you have insufficient seating for your cocktail hour and/or the dinner part of your reception.

My only concern about not having enough seating is that I'll want to put down my bag/camera/sweater somewhere safe where I can easily find it later. So, if I have access to my table and can sit there if I twisted my ankle 3 minutes before walking into the venue, I'm fine. If I at least have access to my home base even if it's not somewhere I can get a drink and an app, I'll be fine.

Etiquette questions concerning my dad's comfort?

Re: Etiquette questions concerning my dad's comfort?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards