Save the Dates and Invitations

ericasm0703 · July 2015

I've been lurking around different boards for a while, and I apologize in advance if this question has already been asked. My fiancé and I are getting married next July. Because most of our guests live out of state (some out of country), we want to give them enough notice about our date; I recently started looking at different ideas for save the dates and found some that I like, which then brought up my question. I have some cousins who are over the age of 18, but still live with at home with their parents. I heard (and am subsequently under the assumption) that anyone who is over the age of 18 gets an invitation regardless of their living situation. First, I want to make sure this is correct. Second, as far as save the dates go, do I still have to send separate ones to my aunts/uncles and their children over the age of 18?

Jen4948 · July 2015

This is correct. On reaching 18, each member of a household who is invited gets a separate invitation, and must be invited with his/her relationship partner.

banana468 · July 2015

Yes - separate invitations and save the dates.

huskypuppy14 · July 2015

banana468 said:

Yes - separate invitations and save the dates.

Invitations yes, they must be separate. But I think it's fine to send one Save the Date to each household. Especially if it's a magnet. Are they going to put 2 or 3 magnets of the same STD on the fridge, probably not.

ericasm0703 · July 2015

huskypuppy14 said:

banana468 said:

Yes - separate invitations and save the dates.

Invitations yes, they must be separate. But I think it's fine to send one Save the Date to each household. Especially if it's a magnet. Are they going to put 2 or 3 magnets of the same STD on the fridge, probably not.

This was more or less what I was wondering, especially since one household will be getting four invitations.

AddieCake · July 2015

For invitation, yes, absolutely. But for STDs, I think you can get away with one per household. We did send 2 to my husband's mom's house, though. His brother still lives at home, and we knew he would be hurt if he didn't get his own. I always make sure to send him his own of everything, even Christmas cards.

ericasm0703 · July 2015

Invitations will definitely be sent to each adult and their significant other. I think my fiancé is leaning more toward a save the date magnet, so I think we may just do them per household. I'm not the most savvy when it comes to this, but many of my aunts are; I'm not trying to make any glaring errors or cause an unnecessary fuss. Thank you ladies!

ETA: 'save the date' magnet

banana468 · July 2015

I understand what you're saying about the one magnet one fridge thing but that isn't really the point of etiquette. The adults need to be treated like adults on all written correspondence or it looks like you're sending mixed messages.

BrinkyDink16 · July 2015

We didn't do Save the Dates but a cousin of my FH got married about a month ago and caused some confusion with hers. She sent one to FH's parents that was addressed to just them so his adult sisters who still live at home weren't sure if they were invited or not. We didn't get an STD at all which made us unsure if we were invited or not until we got the actual invitation. So if you go with the one STD per household, which I think makes sense, just make sure you address it to the whole family and not just the parents.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

We did separate invites and STDs to anyone over 18 in the same household. If they are adults, treat them as such.

We only had this come up in one family, and I think the daughter we invited separately was 17 when STDs went out but will be 18 by the time invites go out so we just gave her her own stuff from the start.

MandyMost · July 2015

Of course you should try to follow etiquette wherever possible, but sometimes things just get a bit silly. I didn't sent 5 invitations, nevermind save the dates, to one house with 3 "kids" over 18 living at home. I would have been side-eyed and whispered about for being so wasteful and just throwing money away.

I also found it weird to send an adult still living with parents their own invite if the person is still living like a minor (i.e. parents drive them everywhere, you've never seen them without the parents, parents still typically RSVP for them regardless of how they're invited to other parties, etc.).

Maggie0829 · July 2015

MandyMost said:

Of course you should try to follow etiquette wherever possible, but sometimes things just get a bit silly. I didn't sent 5 invitations, nevermind save the dates, to one house with 3 "kids" over 18 living at home. I would have been side-eyed and whispered about for being so wasteful and just throwing money away.

I also found it weird to send an adult still living with parents their own invite if the person is still living like a minor (i.e. parents drive them everywhere, you've never seen them without the parents, parents still typically RSVP for them regardless of how they're invited to other parties, etc.).

This sounds more like parents who need to cut the cord and stop treating their adult children like minors.

ETA: I lived at home for many years after I turned 18. And yeah my Mom and Dad still did stuff for me, but they also didn't treat me like I was 5 and helpless. I paid my bills and got to work on my own and figured shit out like an adult would. If I needed help I asked, but they didn't baby me. And as an adult I wanted to be treated like one, regardless if my parents still saw me as their little girl. So yeah, I may have been living under my parents roof not paying rent, but I would have been pissed if someone decided to use that as a way to not treat me like an adult.

MandyMost · July 2015

Maggie0829 said:

MandyMost said:

Of course you should try to follow etiquette wherever possible, but sometimes things just get a bit silly. I didn't sent 5 invitations, nevermind save the dates, to one house with 3 "kids" over 18 living at home. I would have been side-eyed and whispered about for being so wasteful and just throwing money away.

I also found it weird to send an adult still living with parents their own invite if the person is still living like a minor (i.e. parents drive them everywhere, you've never seen them without the parents, parents still typically RSVP for them regardless of how they're invited to other parties, etc.).

This sounds more like parents who need to cut the cord and stop treating their adult children like minors.

ETA: I lived at home for many years after I turned 18. And yeah my Mom and Dad still did stuff for me, but they also didn't treat me like I was 5 and helpless. I paid my bills and got to work on my own and figured shit out like an adult would. If I needed help I asked, but they didn't baby me. And as an adult I wanted to be treated like one, regardless if my parents still saw me as their little girl. So yeah, I may have been living under my parents roof not paying rent, but I would have been pissed if someone decided to use that as a way to not treat me like an adult.

And this was probably totally evident to your nearest and dearest. Who cares where you live, if you're acting like and adult! The situation with a few of my cousins is pretty severe and a very different case--their mom's literally drive them to work and pick them up, and I've literally never seen them without their parents at any event. They are really still living life like they're 16 when they're in their 20's. It's very hard to treat them like an adult when they don't seem to consider themselves adults--not just with invitations, but with anything. Between this and knowing I'd be severely judged for "throwing my money around" by sending multiple invites to a single address, I know I made the best choice for me by not giving the kids their own invites. Etiquette is really about making people comfortable, right?

Jen4948 · July 2015

MandyMost said:

Of course you should try to follow etiquette wherever possible, but sometimes things just get a bit silly. I didn't sent 5 invitations, nevermind save the dates, to one house with 3 "kids" over 18 living at home. I would have been side-eyed and whispered about for being so wasteful and just throwing money away.

I also found it weird to send an adult still living with parents their own invite if the person is still living like a minor (i.e. parents drive them everywhere, you've never seen them without the parents, parents still typically RSVP for them regardless of how they're invited to other parties, etc.).

I am an over-40 year old adult who currently lives with my parents. Sometimes they drive me places and do things for me. I also have a full-time job as well as part-time work, and I pay them rent of the earnings. I do errands for them and help them as much as I can-especially now that my mother has a cancer diagnosis, is recovering from surgery, and is in a ton of pain.

Anyone who wants to call me "silly" or "wasteful" because I want to be treated as a competent adult and receive my own invitations and STDs, even if my parents are also invited, I in turn side-eye and judge. I am not part of their social unit. I can accept or decline invitations for myself.

lovegood90 · July 2015

MandyMost said:

Maggie0829 said:

MandyMost said:

Of course you should try to follow etiquette wherever possible, but sometimes things just get a bit silly. I didn't sent 5 invitations, nevermind save the dates, to one house with 3 "kids" over 18 living at home. I would have been side-eyed and whispered about for being so wasteful and just throwing money away.

I also found it weird to send an adult still living with parents their own invite if the person is still living like a minor (i.e. parents drive them everywhere, you've never seen them without the parents, parents still typically RSVP for them regardless of how they're invited to other parties, etc.).

This sounds more like parents who need to cut the cord and stop treating their adult children like minors.

ETA: I lived at home for many years after I turned 18. And yeah my Mom and Dad still did stuff for me, but they also didn't treat me like I was 5 and helpless. I paid my bills and got to work on my own and figured shit out like an adult would. If I needed help I asked, but they didn't baby me. And as an adult I wanted to be treated like one, regardless if my parents still saw me as their little girl. So yeah, I may have been living under my parents roof not paying rent, but I would have been pissed if someone decided to use that as a way to not treat me like an adult.

And this was probably totally evident to your nearest and dearest. Who cares where you live, if you're acting like and adult! The situation with a few of my cousins is pretty severe and a very different case--their mom's literally drive them to work and pick them up, and I've literally never seen them without their parents at any event. They are really still living life like they're 16 when they're in their 20's. It's very hard to treat them like an adult when they don't seem to consider themselves adults--not just with invitations, but with anything. Between this and knowing I'd be severely judged for "throwing my money around" by sending multiple invites to a single address, I know I made the best choice for me by not giving the kids their own invites. Etiquette is really about making people comfortable, right?

See, I don't see this as any different than treating anyone with a SO the same regardless if they have been dating for 2 days or married for 10 years. We always say anyone with a SO gets an invite and it's not up to us to judge their relationship.

So I don't see that situation as any different than sending people over 18 their own invite, as an adult, regardless of their living situation or lifestyle. It's also not for you to judge, KWIM?

ETA: Also, etiquette is about making people comfortable as you said. You can be almost 100% sure that giving someone their own invite will not make them upset...that doesn't make any sense. But you can't guarantee that putting someone in an invite with their parents WON'T offend them. Unless you straight up ask them.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

lovegood90 said:

MandyMost said:

Maggie0829 said:

MandyMost said:

Of course you should try to follow etiquette wherever possible, but sometimes things just get a bit silly. I didn't sent 5 invitations, nevermind save the dates, to one house with 3 "kids" over 18 living at home. I would have been side-eyed and whispered about for being so wasteful and just throwing money away.

I also found it weird to send an adult still living with parents their own invite if the person is still living like a minor (i.e. parents drive them everywhere, you've never seen them without the parents, parents still typically RSVP for them regardless of how they're invited to other parties, etc.).

This sounds more like parents who need to cut the cord and stop treating their adult children like minors.

ETA: I lived at home for many years after I turned 18. And yeah my Mom and Dad still did stuff for me, but they also didn't treat me like I was 5 and helpless. I paid my bills and got to work on my own and figured shit out like an adult would. If I needed help I asked, but they didn't baby me. And as an adult I wanted to be treated like one, regardless if my parents still saw me as their little girl. So yeah, I may have been living under my parents roof not paying rent, but I would have been pissed if someone decided to use that as a way to not treat me like an adult.

And this was probably totally evident to your nearest and dearest. Who cares where you live, if you're acting like and adult! The situation with a few of my cousins is pretty severe and a very different case--their mom's literally drive them to work and pick them up, and I've literally never seen them without their parents at any event. They are really still living life like they're 16 when they're in their 20's. It's very hard to treat them like an adult when they don't seem to consider themselves adults--not just with invitations, but with anything. Between this and knowing I'd be severely judged for "throwing my money around" by sending multiple invites to a single address, I know I made the best choice for me by not giving the kids their own invites. Etiquette is really about making people comfortable, right?

See, I don't see this as any different than treating anyone with a SO the same regardless if they have been dating for 2 days or married for 10 years. We always say anyone with a SO gets an invite and it's not up to us to judge their relationship.
So I don't see that situation as any different than sending people over 18 their own invite, as an adult, regardless of their living situation or lifestyle. It's also not for you to judge, KWIM?

All of this. Just because those parents and your family have decided to treat these adults and look at these adults as still children does not mean that they aren't adults. Maybe they need someone to actually treat them as adults so that they can start looking at themselves as such.

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