Trying not to be too pushy on RSVPs, but....

primafaba15 · July 2015

We had all of the usual problems with late RSVPs and it has been frustrating. We are now a week past our deadline, 2 days from the venue's deadline, and I'm still waiting to hear from 1 couple. I have sent messages asking her a few different times; a few times she has said she was still waiting for her time off to be approved, but "I think it would be fine." I contacted her 2 days ago but she turned out to be running for a plane at the time and said she'd get back to me later.

I know that this friend has to fly from the opposite coast, is trying to budget her own wedding, and does not have the best financial circumstances, so it occurs to me she could be stalling (as it turned out the other late RSVPs were). I don't want to be a jerk, but we really need to know who is coming because the numbers are due Friday and everything else (centerpieces, escort cards, seating chart) is due the 17th, plus we need to figure out our airport-run schedule for the week leading up to the wedding (we have lots of friends coming in over a 4-5 day period, and we can't ask them to handle any transportation beyond a plane ticket). Is it rude to ask again? Or alternately, am I really overthinking this and should be assuming that "I think it would be fine" is a positive RSVP?

Thanks in advance for any advice.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

primafaba15 said:

We had all of the usual problems with late RSVPs and it has been frustrating. We are now a week past our deadline, 2 days from the venue's deadline, and I'm still waiting to hear from 1 couple. I have sent messages asking her a few different times; a few times she has said she was still waiting for her time off to be approved, but "I think it would be fine." I contacted her 2 days ago but she turned out to be running for a plane at the time and said she'd get back to me later.

I know that this friend has to fly from the opposite coast, is trying to budget her own wedding, and does not have the best financial circumstances, so it occurs to me she could be stalling (as it turned out the other late RSVPs were). I don't want to be a jerk, but we really need to know who is coming because the numbers are due Friday and everything else (centerpieces, escort cards, seating chart) is due the 17th, plus we need to figure out our airport-run schedule for the week leading up to the wedding (we have lots of friends coming in over a 4-5 day period, and we can't ask them to handle any transportation beyond a plane ticket). Is it rude to ask again? Or alternately, am I really overthinking this and should be assuming that "I think it would be fine" is a positive RSVP?

Thanks in advance for any advice.

Hi friend. I need a response by tomorrow. If I don't hear from you by noon on Friday, I'll be putting you down as a NO. Thanks.

southernbelle0915 · July 2015

Assuming your RSVPs are due in a normal timeframe (2-3 weeks before the wedding) and you're a week past the deadling, you are 1-2 weeks away from your wedding. Correct?

So, if she's flying in from the opposite coast, doesn't have a ticket yet, and is budgeting for a wedding of her own, she's likely in the "no" column.

I would contact her and say, "Hi Friend, I am turning my numbers in tomorrow. Shall I put you down as a yes or a no? If I don't hear from you by the end of the day tomorrow, I will assume you cannot come." And go from there.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

I contacted people twice after the RSVP date. If they didn't response, I assumed they weren't coming. If you gave people 6-8 weeks to respond and tried to contact them, I think you did enough. It's on them now. You have enough to worry about with seating everyone, doing place cards and all the last minute details; don't stress yourself anymore about someone that doesn't have the courtesy to give you an answer.

If she comes in at the last second, then it's on her to find her way. You can't run around to help someone that doesn't communication with you.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Knottie29408529 said:

I contacted people twice after the RSVP date. If they didn't response, I assumed they weren't coming. If you gave people 6-8 weeks to respond and tried to contact them, I think you did enough. It's on them now.

But I think you have to get them a drop dead date and tell them what happens after that date. So, while she's probably a no, you should tell her you'll be putting her down as a no if you don't hear from her by Friday.

primafaba15 · July 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

Assuming your RSVPs are due in a normal timeframe (2-3 weeks before the wedding) and you're a week past the deadling, you are 1-2 weeks away from your wedding. Correct?

So, if she's flying in from the opposite coast, doesn't have a ticket yet, and is budgeting for a wedding of her own, she's likely in the "no" column.

I would contact her and say, "Hi Friend, I am turning my numbers in tomorrow. Shall I put you down as a yes or a no? If I don't hear from you by the end of the day tomorrow, I will assume you cannot come." And go from there.

We are very close. Our wedding is in 17 days. We asked for RSVPs by June 30th, probably a couple of days early, but we did it because the venue requires numbers by July 10, we knew we'd have to track people down, and we figured the holiday weekend might delay last-minute replies and/or make it difficult to get ahold of people immediately.

I actually was pretty sure from the start that she wouldn't be able to make it, but I couldn't see not inviting her so I figured I'd let her make that call herself. But then when she got the invitation she was very excited and said she put in for her time off that very day and had already checked flight prices, so I guess that's why I wasn't sure what to do (I also have several definite-Yes / participating in the ceremony friends who haven't booked flights yet either because they don't plan ahead ever...)

But thank you for the advice and the suggested wording. It sounds like I'd be okay to just ask her outright, so I'll do that and hope that she can give me a straight answer.

AddieCake · July 2015

Yeah, she's not coming. Ask once more as described above, and move on.

primafaba15 · July 2015

Knottie29408529 said:

I contacted people twice after the RSVP date. If they didn't response, I assumed they weren't coming. If you gave people 6-8 weeks to respond and tried to contact them, I think you did enough. It's on them now. You have enough to worry about with seating everyone, doing place cards and all the last minute details; don't stress yourself anymore about someone that doesn't have the courtesy to give you an answer.

If she comes in at the last second, then it's on her to find her way. You can't run around to help someone that doesn't communication with you.

I do feel like I need an answer either way because if she decides to come last minute, it does affect our numbers, and our bill will be based on the count as of July 10. It's only 2 people, so not a crisis, but that's still a $100 difference. Our seating chart is also going to have to be calibrated so carefully to account for family dynamics and to balance out the fact that we're at 30 people under our original total, so actually that's more of a headache than the expense.

A drop-dead date as @adk19 suggested might work, though.

Jen4948 · July 2015

"Hi, friend. Tomorrow is the day when I have to give final numbers to my venue, so I need to know if you are coming by X time. After X time tomorrow, if we haven't heard from you, we will have to assume you aren't coming and our venue won't be able to accommodate you with seating, food, and drink."

[Deleted User] · July 2015

If she's planning her own wedding she knows about deadlines. Tell her what your final date is for a firm yes or no answer, no hard feelings if she isn't able to make it, you understand she is planning her own wedding.

SP29 · July 2015

Agreed- Tell her you need a firm answer by X date (or noon Friday) because you need to hand in your venue numbers. If you don't hear, you'll put her as a no.

Wow! I'm surprised people haven't booked a flight at 17 days out (baring emergencies). Maybe I'm not carefree enough, but flights get expensive!

primafaba15 · July 2015

SP29 said:

Wow! I'm surprised people haven't booked a flight at 17 days out (baring emergencies). Maybe I'm not carefree enough, but flights get expensive!

No, I definitely agree. I think people forgot or procrastinated waiting for ticket prices to change, and now the only people who don't have flights are one friend who is waiting for his next pay day to book it (nervous for the cost to him, but it makes sense) and the friend in question...who I DID finally get a positive RSVP from, yay!

Trying not to be too pushy on RSVPs, but....

Re: Trying not to be too pushy on RSVPs, but....

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