Help! Our Rabbi wants us to have a Bedeken, but I don't want to see my fiance before the ceremony

Re: Help! Our Rabbi wants us to have a Bedeken, but I don't want to see my fiance before the ceremony

• Jen4948 member

  

  July 2015

  Unfortunately, there is no way to have a bedeken while he doesn't see you before your walk down the aisle, because the very act of a bedeken is to prevent his not seeing you and ascertaining that you and not someone else is the one wearing the veil before you go down the aisle. That's the whole point of a bedeken-to make sure the groom is not duped into marrying someone other than his intended by not allowing him to see her and confirm ahead of time that yes, she is the right bride.
  
  So if this rabbi insists on a bedeken and you want him to officiate, you will have to give up the idea that your FI can't see you until you walk down the aisle. The only alternative is to find another officiant who will agree to forgo the bedeken.

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  July 2015

  I don't know much about Judaism as a whole, but I've heard that some Rabbi's may be willing to do a "Ceremonial" veiling without the groom being present, where the Rabbi veils the bride instead of the groom.  However, it sounds like your Rabbi is on the more conservative side.  It may be worth asking though!

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• cdehart11 member

  

  July 2015

  Thanks so much for the replies! Another officiant really isn't an option, so I guess I'll have to talk to him. Thanks Knottie, I'll see if he's heard about/might consider that!

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• Jen4948 member

  

  July 2015 edited July 2015

  One thing that comes to mind...can you refrain from seeing your FI that day until the bedeken and do a ceremonial entry to the bedeken?  Use the bedeken as a "first look."

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• huskypuppy14 member

  

  July 2015

  cdehart11 said:

  I'm really lost as to what to do here. My fiance is Israeli, and I'm converting under an American Conservative Rabbi who will also be performing our wedding ceremony in the US. We've been having our "pre-marital" meetings with him, and he just told us he expects us to have a Bedeken. My fiance's never heard of it (he's secular), and I really had my heart set on not seeing him before the walk down the aisle (he will be signing the ketubah without me). Additionally, our families don't know anything about it (mine's Catholic, his is secular). The Rabbi seems kind of insistent about it, and said that it's necessary to make the marriage binding, but said he's open to "creative" ways of doing it since he knows how I feel. Also, I understand that this is a beautiful ceremony, but watching videos of it, I think we would find it very awkward since we're kind of private people. The last problem is that a couple of my family members have had a hard time with my conversion, and I think this is so different from ceremonies they're used to that they may really dislike it. I'm embracing all of the other wedding traditions - is there any way to forego this one? Or, alternatively, a way it could be done without him seeing me before the ceremony?

  
  

  Sorry for the novel, any help would really be appreciated!

  Why do you have to use this Rabbi? They are not required as far as I know. My friend who grew up Jewish, as did her husband, did not want a Bedeken, but her MIL insisted. I guess it wasn't a hill she wanted to die on. 

  
  

  All the women were in one room, and we just came and congratulated the bride, and then the groom came dancing into the room with the men, and then they signed the Ketubah. 
  

  
  

  Why is your future husband signing the Ketubah without you? I thought the bride and groom sign it right after the bedeken, before the ceremony. 

  
  

  Not to pry, but why are you converting, if your husband is secular and you grew up Catholic? It seems you would have two families who have no idea what they are suppose to do.

  
  

  Now on the other hand, I had a first look, and I loved doing it so much. It's great to have a little private moment before the ceremony. 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  July 2015

  huskypuppy14 said:

  cdehart11 said:

  I'm really lost as to what to do here. My fiance is Israeli, and I'm converting under an American Conservative Rabbi who will also be performing our wedding ceremony in the US. We've been having our "pre-marital" meetings with him, and he just told us he expects us to have a Bedeken. My fiance's never heard of it (he's secular), and I really had my heart set on not seeing him before the walk down the aisle (he will be signing the ketubah without me). Additionally, our families don't know anything about it (mine's Catholic, his is secular). The Rabbi seems kind of insistent about it, and said that it's necessary to make the marriage binding, but said he's open to "creative" ways of doing it since he knows how I feel. Also, I understand that this is a beautiful ceremony, but watching videos of it, I think we would find it very awkward since we're kind of private people. The last problem is that a couple of my family members have had a hard time with my conversion, and I think this is so different from ceremonies they're used to that they may really dislike it. I'm embracing all of the other wedding traditions - is there any way to forego this one? Or, alternatively, a way it could be done without him seeing me before the ceremony?

  
  

  Sorry for the novel, any help would really be appreciated!

  Why do you have to use this Rabbi? They are not required as far as I know. My friend who grew up Jewish, as did her husband, did not want a Bedeken, but her MIL insisted. I guess it wasn't a hill she wanted to die on. 

  
  

  All the women were in one room, and we just came and congratulated the bride, and then the groom came dancing into the room with the men, and then they signed the Ketubah. 
  

  
  

  Why is your future husband signing the Ketubah without you? I thought the bride and groom sign it right after the bedeken, before the ceremony. 

  
  

  Not to pry, but why are you converting, if your husband is secular and you grew up Catholic? It seems you would have two families who have no idea what they are suppose to do.

  
  

  Now on the other hand, I had a first look, and I loved doing it so much. It's great to have a little private moment before the ceremony. 

  The OP mentioned above that using another officiant isn't an option.
  

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• Knottie1442509035 member

  

  September 2015

  Hi! I was having a similar struggle- my fiancé is absolutely set on not seeing me until I walk down the aisle, and I wanted a traditional Jewish wedding. Our AMAZING Rabbi found a perfect and kosher compromise. We are signing the ketubah separately (in some sects of Judaism, the bride and groom don't even sign, but we want to.) We will then restage and pretend to sign for photos after the ceremony! For the bedekken veiling, I will walk down the aisle with my veil NOT over my face. He will come out from under the chuppah, just a few steps, with the Rabbi. She will tell him the prayer to say and he will veil me before we step under the chuppah! It's perfect- we don't see each other until then and he still does the tradition of the bedekken of checking to see if he has the right bride. I hope this helps! It helped us a ton and is totally kosher!

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• Jen4948 member

  

  September 2015 edited October 2015

  Knottie1442509035 said:

  Hi! I was having a similar struggle- my fiancé is absolutely set on not seeing me until I walk down the aisle, and I wanted a traditional Jewish wedding. Our AMAZING Rabbi found a perfect and kosher compromise. We are signing the ketubah separately (in some sects of Judaism, the bride and groom don't even sign, but we want to.) We will then restage and pretend to sign for photos after the ceremony! For the bedekken veiling, I will walk down the aisle with my veil NOT over my face. He will come out from under the chuppah, just a few steps, with the Rabbi. She will tell him the prayer to say and he will veil me before we step under the chuppah! It's perfect- we don't see each other until then and he still does the tradition of the bedekken of checking to see if he has the right bride. I hope this helps! It helped us a ton and is totally kosher!

  I think there's nothing "kosher" about falsehood for the purpose of getting a photo, regardless of the rabbi. 

  Honestly, if it's that important to you that he not see you until the ceremony and there's going to be a bedeken, then make the bedeken the "not seeing" moment, not the aisle walk.  Don't do a phony bedeken and signing just to have a "not seeing" moment at the aisle walk, because according to Judaism, the ketubah ceremony is the part of the wedding that makes you married in Jewish law, not the walk down the aisle or what happens under the chuppah.  Faking a bedeken and ketubah signing for the purpose of "not seeing the bride before the aisle walk" comes off like a PPD-it's off-putting because it's lying, and people can and will find out that you faked the "true" ceremony.
  

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