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A not so involved bridesmaid

kaycal92kaycal92 member
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in Wedding Party
Hello all! 

I am looking for advise on how to handle a situation with my future sister-in-law. 

I asked her to be my bridesmaid a few months back, she is one of three total bridesmaids, and she has not been involved with anything regarding bridesmaid dresses, fun planning sessions, or anything else wedding. I've asked her maybe 5 or 6 times now to come with me to go check out the dress my maid of honor and I love, but most of the time when I try and talk to her about it to set something up, she doesn't respond. 

I am not sure what to do at this point. We were both supposed to be bridesmiads at her cousins wedding and she was very excited about it and participated in all scheduled events. However, with my wedding she has very little interest. She is only 18 and is the only sibling in my fiance's family that will be in the wedding. 

What should I do?
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Re: A not so involved bridesmaid

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    kaycal92kaycal92 member
    First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
    The dress we found is affordable and when I originally told her about it she agreed that the price was fine. 

    I guess my biggest fear is that she will end up not buying a dress at all considering she is showing a lack of interest in it all. 

    My biggest fear isn't losing a bridesmaid, but causing family drama. 
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    If family drama ensues because she never gets her dress, that's on her.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    zitiqueenzitiqueen member
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    kaycal92 said:
    Hello all! 

    I am looking for advise on how to handle a situation with my future sister-in-law. 

    I asked her to be my bridesmaid a few months back, she is one of three total bridesmaids, and she has not been involved with anything regarding bridesmaid dresses, fun planning sessions, or anything else wedding. I've asked her maybe 5 or 6 times now to come with me to go check out the dress my maid of honor and I love, but most of the time when I try and talk to her about it to set something up, she doesn't respond. 

    I am not sure what to do at this point. We were both supposed to be bridesmiads at her cousins wedding and she was very excited about it and participated in all scheduled events. However, with my wedding she has very little interest. She is only 18 and is the only sibling in my fiance's family that will be in the wedding. 

    What should I do?
    She's not required to do any of that.
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    kaycal92kaycal92 member
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    Very true zitiqueen. However, I expect her to respond to my invites that she can't come rather than ignoring the invitation all together. 
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    kaycal92 said:

    Very true zitiqueen. However, I expect her to respond to my invites that she can't come rather than ignoring the invitation all together. 

    I'd just let it go. As long as you're choosing a dress that's within her budget, she can get fitted for it and pick it up as she sees fit. She doesn't have to do that with you or even confirm to you that she has done so provided she arrives in it on time, sober, and in good spirits to your ceremony. That's all she has to do before the wedding. Your wedding day is not going to be as important to anyone else as it is to you.
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    Yes, she's rude not to respond, but again that's on her. Give her the info and move on.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    KatWAGKatWAG member
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    I would stop asking her to do wedding stuff. I think she has made it pretty clear she isn't interested.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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    kaycal92kaycal92 member
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    aurianna said:
    kaycal92 said:
    The dress we found is affordable and when I originally told her about it she agreed that the price was fine. 

    I guess my biggest fear is that she will end up not buying a dress at all considering she is showing a lack of interest in it all. 

    My biggest fear isn't losing a bridesmaid, but causing family drama. 

    What's "affordable" is very subjective.
    As an 18 year old I was getting ready to start college, with the very little money I had, going towards that.
    Today, as an adult with a full-time job, I wouldn't bat an eyelash at a $150 dress. As an 18 year-old, I'd have anxiety attacks about a $50 dress.
    So... your opinion of what is affordable is not relevant in this instance.

    It's hard to disappoint someone. Especially someone that you perhaps don't know well and is about to be part of your family. When you told her the price of the dress and asked her if it's ok, she could have felt pressure to say it was fine, even if it wasn't really, because she didn't want to disappoint you. This is very unfair to her if it's what happened.

    You have to ask her her budget. "Hey, I know I've mentioned that there is a dress we like, but I want to make sure it's right for everyone. What's the absolute most you're comfortable spending for a dress and alterations? It's ok if it's less than the dress I told you about."

    It won't hurt to ask. If she answers with a budget that the dress is within, no harm done. And she'll know that you're taking her situation into special account which will come off as considerate. If it turns out her budget is actually less, then it will save you from putting her through a financial hardship, which of course you both should want.


    As for the rest, I'd let it go.
    It's rude of her to give you no answer. Maybe she's just rude, so why should you want her to participate in stuff anyway?
    Maybe she's just shy, in which case she might be uncomfortable hanging out with a bunch of strangers, and you wouldn't want that either.

    I'd continue to give her the option, but don't pressure her, and just accept if she doesn't want to participate.
    The difference in the other wedding you mentioned is that it's her cousin. She's probably closer to her cousin and knew more of the people involved in the wedding, so it was probably more fun for her. Accept that your wedding might not be as fun for her and she might not want to be as involved. And that's ok.

    aurianna: 
    I have a very small bridal party, just 3 girls. My little sister, my best friend and her. She has met both of them several times so I'm not sure why she doesn't want to participate. Her brother and I have been together for 6 years, so I only hope that she is comfortable with telling me if the dress we picked is in or out of her price range. And unfortunately it seems like all dresses are expensive and its hard to find a dress for under $150. 

    I am trying to keep her involved as much as I can because I don't want her to feel like I didn't make the effort to involve her (hence why I keep inviting her everywhere). 
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    KatWAGKatWAG member
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    kaycal92 said:
    aurianna said:
    kaycal92 said:
    The dress we found is affordable and when I originally told her about it she agreed that the price was fine. 

    I guess my biggest fear is that she will end up not buying a dress at all considering she is showing a lack of interest in it all. 

    My biggest fear isn't losing a bridesmaid, but causing family drama. 

    What's "affordable" is very subjective.
    As an 18 year old I was getting ready to start college, with the very little money I had, going towards that.
    Today, as an adult with a full-time job, I wouldn't bat an eyelash at a $150 dress. As an 18 year-old, I'd have anxiety attacks about a $50 dress.
    So... your opinion of what is affordable is not relevant in this instance.

    It's hard to disappoint someone. Especially someone that you perhaps don't know well and is about to be part of your family. When you told her the price of the dress and asked her if it's ok, she could have felt pressure to say it was fine, even if it wasn't really, because she didn't want to disappoint you. This is very unfair to her if it's what happened.

    You have to ask her her budget. "Hey, I know I've mentioned that there is a dress we like, but I want to make sure it's right for everyone. What's the absolute most you're comfortable spending for a dress and alterations? It's ok if it's less than the dress I told you about."

    It won't hurt to ask. If she answers with a budget that the dress is within, no harm done. And she'll know that you're taking her situation into special account which will come off as considerate. If it turns out her budget is actually less, then it will save you from putting her through a financial hardship, which of course you both should want.


    As for the rest, I'd let it go.
    It's rude of her to give you no answer. Maybe she's just rude, so why should you want her to participate in stuff anyway?
    Maybe she's just shy, in which case she might be uncomfortable hanging out with a bunch of strangers, and you wouldn't want that either.

    I'd continue to give her the option, but don't pressure her, and just accept if she doesn't want to participate.
    The difference in the other wedding you mentioned is that it's her cousin. She's probably closer to her cousin and knew more of the people involved in the wedding, so it was probably more fun for her. Accept that your wedding might not be as fun for her and she might not want to be as involved. And that's ok.

    aurianna: 
    I have a very small bridal party, just 3 girls. My little sister, my best friend and her. She has met both of them several times so I'm not sure why she doesn't want to participate. Her brother and I have been together for 6 years, so I only hope that she is comfortable with telling me if the dress we picked is in or out of her price range. And unfortunately it seems like all dresses are expensive and its hard to find a dress for under $150. 

    I am trying to keep her involved as much as I can because I don't want her to feel like I didn't make the effort to involve her (hence why I keep inviting her everywhere). 

    It doesn't sound like she wants to be involved. Time to take the hint.

    Try hanging out with her and not bringing up the wedding at all.

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    auriannaaurianna member
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    edited July 2015

    aurianna: 
    I have a very small bridal party, just 3 girls. My little sister, my best friend and her. She has met both of them several times so I'm not sure why she doesn't want to participate. Her brother and I have been together for 6 years, so I only hope that she is comfortable with telling me if the dress we picked is in or out of her price range. And unfortunately it seems like all dresses are expensive and its hard to find a dress for under $150. 

    I am trying to keep her involved as much as I can because I don't want her to feel like I didn't make the effort to involve her (hence why I keep inviting her everywhere). 

    It seems like her lack of desire to participate is hurting your feelings. I'm really sorry about that and it sucks. But you can't force it, and if she doesn't want to, there's nothing you can really do about it.

    But as far as the dress goes... ask her her budget. There are plenty of places to get cheaper dresses, like department stores.
    Alternatively pick a color and a fabric type and let your bridesmaids get their own dresses. Then she can get whatever she wants.
    Alternatively again, if you get her budget, and the dress you love is more than that, then you can pay the difference.

    The "I would hope she is comfortable enough to tell me if it's too much" just doesn't fly. You can't assume that. Because her desire to please you might be very strong. Just ask her her budget. It can't hurt anything.

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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    kaycal92 said:
    aurianna said:
    kaycal92 said:
    The dress we found is affordable and when I originally told her about it she agreed that the price was fine. 

    I guess my biggest fear is that she will end up not buying a dress at all considering she is showing a lack of interest in it all. 

    My biggest fear isn't losing a bridesmaid, but causing family drama. 

    What's "affordable" is very subjective.
    As an 18 year old I was getting ready to start college, with the very little money I had, going towards that.
    Today, as an adult with a full-time job, I wouldn't bat an eyelash at a $150 dress. As an 18 year-old, I'd have anxiety attacks about a $50 dress.
    So... your opinion of what is affordable is not relevant in this instance.

    It's hard to disappoint someone. Especially someone that you perhaps don't know well and is about to be part of your family. When you told her the price of the dress and asked her if it's ok, she could have felt pressure to say it was fine, even if it wasn't really, because she didn't want to disappoint you. This is very unfair to her if it's what happened.

    You have to ask her her budget. "Hey, I know I've mentioned that there is a dress we like, but I want to make sure it's right for everyone. What's the absolute most you're comfortable spending for a dress and alterations? It's ok if it's less than the dress I told you about."

    It won't hurt to ask. If she answers with a budget that the dress is within, no harm done. And she'll know that you're taking her situation into special account which will come off as considerate. If it turns out her budget is actually less, then it will save you from putting her through a financial hardship, which of course you both should want.


    As for the rest, I'd let it go.
    It's rude of her to give you no answer. Maybe she's just rude, so why should you want her to participate in stuff anyway?
    Maybe she's just shy, in which case she might be uncomfortable hanging out with a bunch of strangers, and you wouldn't want that either.

    I'd continue to give her the option, but don't pressure her, and just accept if she doesn't want to participate.
    The difference in the other wedding you mentioned is that it's her cousin. She's probably closer to her cousin and knew more of the people involved in the wedding, so it was probably more fun for her. Accept that your wedding might not be as fun for her and she might not want to be as involved. And that's ok.

    aurianna: 
    I have a very small bridal party, just 3 girls. My little sister, my best friend and her. She has met both of them several times so I'm not sure why she doesn't want to participate. Her brother and I have been together for 6 years, so I only hope that she is comfortable with telling me if the dress we picked is in or out of her price range. And unfortunately it seems like all dresses are expensive and its hard to find a dress for under $150. 

    I am trying to keep her involved as much as I can because I don't want her to feel like I didn't make the effort to involve her (hence why I keep inviting her everywhere). 
    Doesn't matter if it's hard to find a dress under $150.  If her budget is only $50, you have to find a dress under $50.  Ask her for her budget.

    Ask her for her budget (yes, I realize I'm repeating myself, it's that important.)  Ask her for her budget.  Then pick a dress in her budget.  If it's just TOO low, then either pick a color and have the girls buy a dress, any dress, in that color.  This way she can wear something from her closet, borrow something from a friend, find a dress on clearance, buy one off ebay, etc.  OR, you can offer her whatever it costs above her budget to subsidize her dress.  "Friend, I know you said your budget was $50, but I really fell in love with this $150 dress, so, I'd like to buy it for you.  All you have to do is pay for any alterations you might need.  The seamstress estimates it might cost around $30 for some basic alterations."
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    kaycal92kaycal92 member
    First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I thought about doing the bridesmaids in different dresses but we are doing a military wedding with all the men, including the groom, being in their dress blues. 

    Because of this I need all of the girls to be in the same dress. 

    However, I love all of the suggestions to solve any issues that she may have with price of the dress or not wanting to be involved. 
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    lembasloverlembaslover member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    kaycal92 said:
    I thought about doing the bridesmaids in different dresses but we are doing a military wedding with all the men, including the groom, being in their dress blues. 

    Because of this I need all of the girls to be in the same dress. 

    However, I love all of the suggestions to solve any issues that she may have with price of the dress or not wanting to be involved. 
    Honestly I don't see why this means they need to be in the same dress. Why can't they all be in formal dresses of the same color? No one is going to care if they aren't in an identical dresses, they will look lovely either way. Still if you want the same dress the other suggestions are great.

    As for her not responding at all to invites to do stuff and considering she was active in another wedding (though that certainly doesn't mean she has to be as involved in yours) maybe she's going through something tough right now. You could see if she wants to go out to lunch or dinner with just you and maybe find out if something is going on. You say she's 18 maybe she's worried about getting into college or choosing which college or there could be a bunch of reasons and maybe rather than trying on dresses what she needs is a friend to listen to those concerns.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    aurianna said:
    So, some examples of wedding party in different dresses, even with groomsmen all in same outfit, some even military:

    http://catinaweddingdress.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/Rustic-Texas-Military-Wedding-by-CivicPhotos_0001.jpg

    https://mdphotoncblog.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/img_9586.jpg

    https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/40/bb/17/40bb1783d32f62de17fd8009a87a9f3b.jpg

    http://i1.wp.com/www.theprofessionalarmywife.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/12345.jpg?resize=640,400



    In the end you definitely get to decide if they wear matching dresses or different. Just don't feel like your stuck with matching dresses because of how the groomsmen are dressed. There's no rule that both sides of the party have to be identical.

    But yeah, ditto PPs. Sometimes you can find the dress you want for way cheaper on ebay if she doesn't mind that it's been worn once before. Sometimes flash-sale sites like Rue La La have wedding events with popular bridesmaid designers and you can get lucky and snag a dress there too. And of course you can get formal looking dresses at department stores that are often cheaper than certain Bridesmaid designers.

    But just ask her budget. If it's more than the dress you like, then it's nothing to worry about.
    I loved all those photos!  See, and if the girls get to choose dresses that they're most comfortable in, they'll be happier with genuine smiles in the photos.  But if they're tugging at a strapless dress that threatens to fall or playing with a sash that hits her body in a strange location, they're not going to be happy.  "Long formal dress, mid to dark blue in color.  Go."  (My sister found a dress fitting that description for $25 at Ross.  She wore it as bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding.  It was the only dress of that style in her size, but it was perfect.)
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    edited July 2015
    kaycal92 said:
    I thought about doing the bridesmaids in different dresses but we are doing a military wedding with all the men, including the groom, being in their dress blues. 

    Because of this I need all of the girls to be in the same dress. 

    However, I love all of the suggestions to solve any issues that she may have with price of the dress or not wanting to be involved. 
    No, you don't.  This only applies if the women are all in the military (side note: I hate it when we refer to adult females as "girls" and adult males as "men), and then they would be wearing whatever the particular branch of the military they are serving in deems suitable for their ranks and the formality of the occasion.  If they are civilians, they do not all need to be in the same dress.
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    frenchiekinfrenchiekin member
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    aurianna said:
    So, some examples of wedding party in different dresses, even with groomsmen all in same outfit, some even military:

    http://catinaweddingdress.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/Rustic-Texas-Military-Wedding-by-CivicPhotos_0001.jpg

    https://mdphotoncblog.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/img_9586.jpg

    https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/40/bb/17/40bb1783d32f62de17fd8009a87a9f3b.jpg

    http://i1.wp.com/www.theprofessionalarmywife.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/12345.jpg?resize=640,400



    In the end you definitely get to decide if they wear matching dresses or different. Just don't feel like your stuck with matching dresses because of how the groomsmen are dressed. There's no rule that both sides of the party have to be identical.

    But yeah, ditto PPs. Sometimes you can find the dress you want for way cheaper on ebay if she doesn't mind that it's been worn once before. Sometimes flash-sale sites like Rue La La have wedding events with popular bridesmaid designers and you can get lucky and snag a dress there too. And of course you can get formal looking dresses at department stores that are often cheaper than certain Bridesmaid designers.

    But just ask her budget. If it's more than the dress you like, then it's nothing to worry about.
    That first one with the girls all in long blue dresses is GORGEOUS and such a great example of how pretty this can look.


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    kkcc2015kkcc2015 member
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    edited July 2015
    kaycal92 said:


    aurianna said:


    kaycal92 said:

    The dress we found is affordable and when I originally told her about it she agreed that the price was fine. 

    I guess my biggest fear is that she will end up not buying a dress at all considering she is showing a lack of interest in it all. 

    My biggest fear isn't losing a bridesmaid, but causing family drama. 


    What's "affordable" is very subjective.
    As an 18 year old I was getting ready to start college, with the very little money I had, going towards that.
    Today, as an adult with a full-time job, I wouldn't bat an eyelash at a $150 dress. As an 18 year-old, I'd have anxiety attacks about a $50 dress.
    So... your opinion of what is affordable is not relevant in this instance.

    It's hard to disappoint someone. Especially someone that you perhaps don't know well and is about to be part of your family. When you told her the price of the dress and asked her if it's ok, she could have felt pressure to say it was fine, even if it wasn't really, because she didn't want to disappoint you. This is very unfair to her if it's what happened.

    You have to ask her her budget. "Hey, I know I've mentioned that there is a dress we like, but I want to make sure it's right for everyone. What's the absolute most you're comfortable spending for a dress and alterations? It's ok if it's less than the dress I told you about."

    It won't hurt to ask. If she answers with a budget that the dress is within, no harm done. And she'll know that you're taking her situation into special account which will come off as considerate. If it turns out her budget is actually less, then it will save you from putting her through a financial hardship, which of course you both should want.


    As for the rest, I'd let it go.
    It's rude of her to give you no answer. Maybe she's just rude, so why should you want her to participate in stuff anyway?
    Maybe she's just shy, in which case she might be uncomfortable hanging out with a bunch of strangers, and you wouldn't want that either.

    I'd continue to give her the option, but don't pressure her, and just accept if she doesn't want to participate.
    The difference in the other wedding you mentioned is that it's her cousin. She's probably closer to her cousin and knew more of the people involved in the wedding, so it was probably more fun for her. Accept that your wedding might not be as fun for her and she might not want to be as involved. And that's ok.


    aurianna: 
    I have a very small bridal party, just 3 girls. My little sister, my best friend and her. She has met both of them several times so I'm not sure why she doesn't want to participate. Her brother and I have been together for 6 years, so I only hope that she is comfortable with telling me if the dress we picked is in or out of her price range. And unfortunately it seems like all dresses are expensive and its hard to find a dress for under $150. 

    I am trying to keep her involved as much as I can because I don't want her to feel like I didn't make the effort to involve her (hence why I keep inviting her everywhere). 


    ETF: boxesboxesboxesboxesboxesboxes

    It is not hard to find a bridesmaid's dress for under $150. I've been in 5 weddings, and had my own, and I've never paid over $130 for a dress, and 4/5 were less than $100. Get your bridesmaids' budgets first, then start your search with that parameter in mind. They also don't all "need" to match, but if that's what you want, you need to find one under the lowest budget you're given. Check target's bridesmaid collection, Macy's, David's bridal (especially if there's a sale), etc.

    Your bridesmaid is 18-your wedding may not be the most important thing to her right now. It's lame that she's not getting back to you, but that's on her. Get her budget, pick a dress under that (if you want them all to match), tell her which dress and where to get it, and leave it alone. You won't be starting any family drama if she doesn't get it, that's on her.
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    LD1970LD1970 member
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    I had a small bridal party too, by the way - started at 4 & without SIL was 3.  Got the dresses at DB & they were less than $150 for sure.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
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    ViczaesarViczaesar member
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    kaycal92 said:
    I thought about doing the bridesmaids in different dresses but we are doing a military wedding with all the men, including the groom, being in their dress blues. 

    Because of this I need all of the girls to be in the same dress. 

    However, I love all of the suggestions to solve any issues that she may have with price of the dress or not wanting to be involved. 
    No, you don't.  That's a false conclusion.



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    drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
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    kaycal92 said:

    I thought about doing the bridesmaids in different dresses but we are doing a military wedding with all the men, including the groom, being in their dress blues. 


    Because of this I need all of the girls to be in the same dress. 

    However, I love all of the suggestions to solve any issues that she may have with price of the dress or not wanting to be involved. 
    Oh interesting, I didn't know that in military weddings all the bridesmaids had to be in the same dress. Does it invalidate the marriage?

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    arrrghmateyarrrghmatey member
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    kaycal92 said:
    I thought about doing the bridesmaids in different dresses but we are doing a military wedding with all the men, including the groom, being in their dress blues. 

    Because of this I need all of the girls to be in the same dress. 

    However, I love all of the suggestions to solve any issues that she may have with price of the dress or not wanting to be involved. 
    Where does it say this in the R 670-1?
                                     Wedding Countdown Ticker

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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    $150 is a lot of an 18 year old.    I'm guessing she hasn't been in the work force for a long time.  I'm assuming she isn't making a ton of money.  Is she even working full time?


    If having the same dress is important, then you should pay some, if not all of the dress.


    Add me to the list of just pick a color and maybe length and fabric and let them wear what they want.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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