How to stay classy?

Wegl13 · July 2015

I have a family member getting married soon- they are both older (my parents age). This matters only because they've eschewed a typical registry for that reason. They've gone the honeyfund route and it's SUPER TACKY (they registered for stuff for two honeymoons. TWO. You know how many honeymoons we had? Zero. Dude you are in your fifties pay for your own damn vacationS). They are also getting married on a Friday and, from their STD/wedding website, it looks like they are looking forward to a full weekend of planned activities (sorry, but no). Our side of the family is already kind of put out by the honeyfund nonsense (among other more family issues, including some tacky wording about the reserved hotel blocks on their wedding website), but no one wants to be outright obvious about our feelings, because we don't want to hurt the feelings of the grooms mother.
Should I send a note of congratulations with my decline (when the invite inevitably arrives- although I may go up there for just the wedding in order to spend time with family members I rarely see)? Should I send them a metal chicken? Should I send a copy of Miss Manners Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding? Could I do that last one anonymously? I know people can make etiquette blunders during wedding planning, but this seems to take the proverbial cake.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

If you get invited just decline the invite. You don't have to do anything more if you do not wish to.

But if it were me, I would send a card of congratulations once their wedding occurs and leave it at that.

banana468 · July 2015

I would decide based on the couple themselves and what the plan is. So if it's a Friday 6 PM wedding with no dinner then I'd have to REALLY love you to try to make it there.

But a Friday wedding with a nice reception / full meal and potentially some extra weekend fun I could potentially be into.

BUT, what I give wouldn't be from their honey fund. Instead, I'd probably go with a standard gift like a picture frame or wine. I wouldn't give an etiquette book or metal chicken. While we joke about them, I think those are fairly spiteful.

AddieCake · July 2015

Just decline if you don't want to go, send a card if you don't want to support the Honeyfund, or give them a check instead (that's what I did for a friend last year who had a Honeyfund.) Dont be passive aggressive with your gift.

TrixieJess · July 2015

I vote for decline and sending a metal chicken. Only because I love that metal chicken.

I would find out if a family member was going so you could get the scoop on how bad a trainwreck it ends up being though.

SP29 · July 2015

Decline the invite, unless the family time is worth the journey for you.

Send a card, or nothing at all if you decline (depending on your relationship). If you do, I'd give a physical gift or cash/cheque.

MandyMost · July 2015

Just because they're having a whole weekend of activities don't mean you have to attend them all. Just go to what you want to go to, and get them what you want to get them as a gift. I'd just give a check in a situation like this.

Wegl13 · July 2015

Don't worry I wasn't actually going to send them a metal chicken, and I'm not super close- these are more the family members you see once every year or so at a wedding/family reunion/funeral. I'm actually closer to the mom in this case, and my mom is better friends with the grooms ex. In all actuality I will probably hitch a ride with family if I happen to be off that day (they have to drive through my city to get there), get a card, and call it good enough. I do kind of wish there was a way to hint to the bride (whom I know basically not at all) that she's kind of embarrassing herself with our side of the family, though.
I'm really not the cash giving type- when all of my friends were getting married while I was still in college I would get them something small from their registry (measuring spoons or baking dishes or something like that). Now I would probably get a nice registry item depending on closeness. The only time I've given cash is when a cousin got married that was also expecting a newborn- I just figured of all things, that's the time when having some fluid money would be great. But that is something that is very true to my circle- we got few cash gifts at the wedding.

mollybarker11 · July 2015

If you're not close the couple I'd keep quiet about it. If your best friend was embarrassing herself, you could tell her and she'd know you were coming from a concerned place. This near-stranger would think you're coming from a judgemental place and probably not take it well.

As for the gift, you're right not to contribute to their tacky honeymoon(s) fund! I'd send a note of best wishes and maybe a cheque or basic boxed gift.

Also: Either decline & stay home, or rsvp yes and go, but don't decline and then maybe tag along with other guests if you feel like it that day. (I may have misread that but just wanted to throw it out there in case that is what you meant haha.)

Wegl13 · July 2015

No no not going to do that don't worry!

southernbelle0915 · July 2015

If you're not going to attend, I'd send them a card with your regrets. You don't have to wait for the invitation to come.

Wegl13 · August 2015

Update: apparently I have to do that... Send my regrets or whatever now? Geez I'm so confused! We just got an email with a reminder to RSVP.... To the save the date?? I haven't gotten an invite yet so I haven't RSVPd at all- I haven't even checked my calendar yet to see if I'm going to be able to go (because I would go, mostly just to be with my grandma).
The card literally says "save the date for the wedding of..." Like there is NO "you're invited" anywhere. Am I missing something?

futurecptkirk · August 2015

I'm going to vote for the chicken and etiquette book, and throw in a nanny cam so you watch her reaction when she opens it. Then post it here.

snowywinter · August 2015

Just decline. It's really rather simple. You don't want to go, so don't go. No need to send etiquette books or tell some stranger that she's embarrassing herself. All you're going to do is plant yourself firmly in center of family drama. Just decline and let it go.

Wegl13 · August 2015

@snowywinter believe it or not, but the book and chicken were a BIG FUCKING JOKE. I would never do that in real life and stated that earlier.

1. I kind of want to go, mostly to spend time with family I love and rarely see. I'm not going to ask off work to go and I haven't gotten my schedule for that week (it's about 5 weeks from now), but if I'm off, I'll go and get them a card.

2. At this point, there's a bit of shit show entertainment I thought you would find interesting, but also a bit of WTFery, because to be honest, getting that "reminder" email for a STD was actually super confusing. If I was sure I was going to decline (had my schedule for that weekend and couldn't go) I'd decline already. But I don't AND I never got an invitation, which I thought was coming and would give me a firm deadline by which to RSVP.

jacques27 · August 2015

Wegl13 said:

@snowywinter believe it or not, but the book and chicken were a BIG FUCKING JOKE. I would never do that in real life and stated that earlier.
1. I kind of want to go, mostly to spend time with family I love and rarely see. I'm not going to ask off work to go and I haven't gotten my schedule for that week (it's about 5 weeks from now), but if I'm off, I'll go and get them a card.
2. At this point, there's a bit of shit show entertainment I thought you would find interesting, but also a bit of WTFery, because to be honest, getting that "reminder" email for a STD was actually super confusing. If I was sure I was going to decline (had my schedule for that weekend and couldn't go) I'd decline already. But I don't AND I never got an invitation, which I thought was coming and would give me a firm deadline by which to RSVP.

And it couldn't have gotten lost in the mail? Or did you confirm with the rest of your family that no one got invitations? I mean, it doesn't happen as often as people think or try to pin on the postal service, but I'm currently trying to hunt down a piece of mail I confirmed with the sender was mailed to me at the correct address on July 13th from four states away (so not international) and it's still not here.

snowywinter · August 2015

Wegl13 said:

@snowywinter believe it or not, but the book and chicken were a BIG FUCKING JOKE. I would never do that in real life and stated that earlier.

Geez, calm down. In the same post that you said you wouldn't send a chicken, you still went on about how you'd love to hint that she's embarrassing herself, so it's not like I'm pulling that out of my ass in responding to it. But fine you won't do it. Great.

ILoveBeachMusic · August 2015

We sent two invitations that were confirmed lost in the mail. Fortunately, they were to close family members who asked why they hadn't received theirs when others in the family had received theirs. Another invitation took three weeks to arrive while others in the same area only took a few days. So it does happen. We also had a save the date that never made it to the recipient.

Liatris2010 · August 2015

Anyone else curious about tacky hotel block wording?

Wegl13 · October 2015

Update- went, stayed for a bit, brought a present, went home. Unfortunately a lot of family had to back out last minute due to health issues, so I didn't really get to see them. On the upswing, I think my cousins really appreciated me being there, as it was kind of thin on the ground for the groom's side of the family.
The good: my husband recommended that we go up early since it was our day off, which we did, and had a lot of fun touring the city. The bad: cash bar, and they didn't feed us dinner (7pm ceremony). We were informed of this
And also sorry I just saw the curiosity about the hotel block wording. Basically they had reserved two hotel blocks, and on their website they made a whole deal about how one of them was just for their super special guests. It just struck me as "we have this block reserved for our guests, but the NICE rooms are only for our FAVORITE guests." Ugh blech.

How to stay classy?

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