How to politely decline a small shower on one side in favour of a big shower together?

cwnb2016 · July 2015

I'm on a very tight timeline because I am currently working across the country and only back in my hometown at Christmas and March break (my wedding is in July 2016). I originally wanted to have my Bridal shower and Stag and Doe over spring break, but the grooms family wanted me to split the two up, so I decided to do the shower over Christmas Break. My mother and my Maid of Honour have been in contact to plan it, and I am totally fine with them doing that. Because of the tight timeline, I only want to have 1 big shower with both sides of the family. My mother and MOH have looked at golf courses and doing a buffet lunch so people who have traveled from far won't leave hungry (I have a very European family)

The problem comes with my Mother in law to be. She keeps insisting on having a high-tea shower. She suggested it when we first got engaged and I politely told her that I only want one shower and I was leaving it to my mother and MOH. Then she contacted my mother about this, and my mother told her that we were going in a different direction. Now, being home this summer it has been brought up to me by my fiance's mother as well as his aunts about a high tea shower, and I have said no each time. I am getting very frustrated and I don't want to be rude, but given my time line I can't have 2 showers. My mother is also getting offended because I am an only child and she has been thinking about this since I was younger, and my Fiance has a sister that isn't married yet.

Any advice on how to politely deal with this situation would be appreciated. I don't know why my MIL keeps pushing this but it is getting uncomfortable and I do not want to cause a rift or fight prior to the wedding. My fiance says he agrees with me, and says he will talk to his mother about it, but I don't know if that will work or make things worse.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

Just keep telling your FMIL "I am sorry but I cannot accept your offer of a high-tea. I really appreciate you wanting to throw this party for me, but I just don't have enough time when I am home from work to fit everything in."

It is perfectly fine that you do not want to have this second shower. And the fact that they cannot accept your decline of it speaks more about them then it does you. Just keep repeating "no" and eventually (hopefully) it will sink in.

AddieCake · July 2015

Ditto Maggie. It's great that she wants to throw you a party, but she needs to accept that there simply isn't time for both. Please clarify your Stag and Doe. Is that the fundraising or non fundraising kind?

MyNameIsNot · July 2015

I don't know why your FMIL couldn't do the high tea for her family separate from the luncheon shower, but you're free to decline if you like.

Just keep saying no. If she doesn't stop badgering you, have your FI step in.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

cwnb2016 said:

I'm on a very tight timeline because I am currently working across the country and only back in my hometown at Christmas and March break (my wedding is in July 2016). I originally wanted to have my Bridal shower and Stag and Doe over spring break, but the grooms family wanted me to split the two up, so I decided to do the shower over Christmas Break. My mother and my Maid of Honour have been in contact to plan it, and I am totally fine with them doing that. Because of the tight timeline, I only want to have 1 big shower with both sides of the family. My mother and MOH have looked at golf courses and doing a buffet lunch so people who have traveled from far won't leave hungry (I have a very European family)

The problem comes with my Mother in law to be. She keeps insisting on having a high-tea shower. She suggested it when we first got engaged and I politely told her that I only want one shower and I was leaving it to my mother and MOH. Then she contacted my mother about this, and my mother told her that we were going in a different direction. Now, being home this summer it has been brought up to me by my fiance's mother as well as his aunts about a high tea shower, and I have said no each time. I am getting very frustrated and I don't want to be rude, but given my time line I can't have 2 showers. My mother is also getting offended because I am an only child and she has been thinking about this since I was younger, and my Fiance has a sister that isn't married yet.

Any advice on how to politely deal with this situation would be appreciated. I don't know why my MIL keeps pushing this but it is getting uncomfortable and I do not want to cause a rift or fight prior to the wedding. My fiance says he agrees with me, and says he will talk to his mother about it, but I don't know if that will work or make things worse.

You can certainly decline a shower, but if high-tea would only take up two hours of one day of your vacation, if it would make FMIL super happy, I think you should attempt to fit it in. "If you really have your heart set on high-tea, my only days available are X and Y. If neither of those work, I guess we won't be able to do this."

Jen4948 · July 2015

adk19 said:
show previous quotes

cwnb2016 said:

I'm on a very tight timeline because I am currently working across the country and only back in my hometown at Christmas and March break (my wedding is in July 2016). I originally wanted to have my Bridal shower and Stag and Doe over spring break, but the grooms family wanted me to split the two up, so I decided to do the shower over Christmas Break. My mother and my Maid of Honour have been in contact to plan it, and I am totally fine with them doing that. Because of the tight timeline, I only want to have 1 big shower with both sides of the family. My mother and MOH have looked at golf courses and doing a buffet lunch so people who have traveled from far won't leave hungry (I have a very European family)

The problem comes with my Mother in law to be. She keeps insisting on having a high-tea shower. She suggested it when we first got engaged and I politely told her that I only want one shower and I was leaving it to my mother and MOH. Then she contacted my mother about this, and my mother told her that we were going in a different direction. Now, being home this summer it has been brought up to me by my fiance's mother as well as his aunts about a high tea shower, and I have said no each time. I am getting very frustrated and I don't want to be rude, but given my time line I can't have 2 showers. My mother is also getting offended because I am an only child and she has been thinking about this since I was younger, and my Fiance has a sister that isn't married yet.

Any advice on how to politely deal with this situation would be appreciated. I don't know why my MIL keeps pushing this but it is getting uncomfortable and I do not want to cause a rift or fight prior to the wedding. My fiance says he agrees with me, and says he will talk to his mother about it, but I don't know if that will work or make things worse.

You can certainly decline a shower, but if high-tea would only take up two hours of one day of your vacation, if it would make FMIL super happy, I think you should attempt to fit it in. "If you really have your heart set on high-tea, my only days available are X and Y. If neither of those work, I guess we won't be able to do this."

I agree about not making this a hill to die on if you don't have to. Even if your time is limited, if it will help your relationship with your future FMIL to give her and her friends and relatives a few hours of it, I think it would make sense. I'd only stand firm if she insists on holding it on a day and at a time during your visit that doesn't work for you.

Fosmoh · July 2015

Maybe you can speak to your MIL and maybe suggest that she host a high tea for you AFTER the wedding with NO gifts. Tell her you really appreciate and love how she wants to be involved but unfortunately timing isn't going to work out, so you'd really like to work with her to be able to work something out.

I really think it's important to hear her out. who knows why this is important to her, but for some reason it is. i think you're very wise to not want to cause a rift or a fight before the wedding. in five years, will it really matter you know?

Another idea is if you and your fiance are planning on having children you could offer up the idea of her later hosting a high tea baby shower. but you MUST stick to this and let her host if you're suggesting this idea. i'd also speak to your mother about it and let her know as well so she's not "caught off guard"

Fosmoh · July 2015

Jen4948 said:
show previous quotes
You can certainly decline a shower, but if high-tea would only take up two hours of one day of your vacation, if it would make FMIL super happy, I think you should attempt to fit it in. "If you really have your heart set on high-tea, my only days available are X and Y. If neither of those work, I guess we won't be able to do this."
I agree about not making this a hill to die on if you don't have to. Even if your time is limited, if it will help your relationship with your future FMIL to give her and her friends and relatives a few hours of it, I think it would make sense. I'd only stand firm if she insists on holding it on a day and at a time during your visit that doesn't work for you.

Fantastic approach.

cwnb2016 · July 2015

Thank you all for your responses. I'm thinking I may give her a date that will work and see if it works for her, or offer the baby shower option. I also like the idea of after the wedding, but no gifts for sure. I don't want to seem ungrateful at all, but I've never done this before and there are so many politics involved in wedding planning - my goodness!

CMGragain · July 2015

What do you mean by "high tea"? Is it the same as in Britain? In the USA most people confuse it with a formal afternoon tea. Not the same thing.

How to politely decline a small shower on one side in favour of a big shower together?

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