Fiance's Well Meaning Sister is stressing me out!

Re: Fiance's Well Meaning Sister is stressing me out!

• hellohkb mod

  

  July 2015

  I would kindly tell her your FI specifically stated he doesn't want anything big and this would make him uncomfortable.

  
  
  

  
  
  
  

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• Knottie91800232 member

  

  July 2015

  I have a touchy FSIL too, so if I were in your shoes I would call her and say, "Hey, I know we talked at the shower about this thing, but I was not in the right frame of mind for that conversation, and FI and I have discussed what we want out of the wedding day a little more thoroughly and he told me doesn't want to feel sad on this happy day. He wants to keep the remembrance low key, and I think bringing the ashes would bring up way more emotion than he wants on that day. It's a nice idea, but I really don't think he'd like it." And be firm, especially if you know this isn't something he wants. Think of it this way - the conversation with FSIL will be awkward, and maybe she'll get upset, but who's feelings are more important from your perspective, hers or FI's?

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• Jen4948 member

  

  July 2015

  One other thing: if she gets pushy about it, have your FI tell her directly what he told you about what he wants in regards to his parents.

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• kimmiinthemitten member

  

  July 2015

  I think it's okay to tell her "FI actually discussed how to best honor them a few weeks ago, and to him it's important to have them present in a way that only we recognize. As you can imagine, not having them there will be emotional for him already and he doesn't want additional sadness on a day your parents would have celebrated. Sorry if I was vague at my shower when you first brought this up and for brainstorming ways to honor them." Or something like that but makes sure she knows you asked him how to best honor them and he requested something more low key.

  
  

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  July 2015 edited July 2015

  IMO this is one of those times it's perfectly fine to have the discussion about this idea with your FI because this is something so deeply personal for him!  That said - her (FSIL) idea is just plain creepy!  This isn't a Memorial Service, this is your wedding.  His parents will be there in spirit without their ashes (their "shell" if you will) needing to be present.  Honoring his parents in HIS way is the important thing here in planning the day, not planning FSIL's way of honoring them...  I'd invite you to stay neutral about the idea until after you've discussed the idea with FI...  It's not about trust with FSIL, it's about honoring your FI's wishes in all things honoring lost parents.

  I'd say "Hey, I was thinking about the idea you mentioned at the shower.  FI & I discussed this issue weeks ago and it wasn't the time to mention it while there that he really wants the day to be happy and having the ashes there brings it more to a somber level that your parents aren't there.  Because of this, I felt it important to discuss with FI since this really is a big deal type of idea to bring to the day with it being his wishes for this portion of the day being most important of all to me.  We discussed it and... (FI's position)..."

  OTHERWISE - if FSIL ever brings this idea up again - go ahead and pull out the bean dip!

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• Heffalump member

  

  July 2015

  I don't think ashes + surprise + wedding can ever end well.
  
  His sister can honor their parents in whatever way works for her, but under no circumstances should she force it on others.  Which is exactly what making a big deal at the wedding is.  Especially if you and FI have already discussed your wedding via-a-vis some sort of memorial to his parents, and he's not into it.  (FWIW, I agree with him--it would not be my preference, either.)  I agree with PP, tell her you and FI had discussed it previously and he would prefer not to, and if she keeps it up, have your FI tell her to knock it off.
  

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• *Barbie* member

  

  July 2015

  this sounds way too much like a bad movie plot. She'll bring the ashes, a caterer will mistake them for something and mix them in with the food. 

  
  

  
  

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  July 2015

  Call FSIL.  Tell her you thought about her suggestion of bring the ashes (TOTALLY WTF!).  Tell her that is not a surprise that you can keep from FI because he already stated he wanted low key remembrances of their parents.  Tell her that if she doesn't tell FI her plan by x day, you will because its not something he will want to be surprised by on your wedding day.  This gives her time to tell her brother and you letting her know that you cannot keep confidences like this from FI.  She needs to start knowing now, that FI is your main priority and you won't be keeping things from him. 

  

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  July 2015

  Well, this puts a new spin on 'bring out your dead'.  

  
  

  I agree with the above advice. 

  
  

  1) try to head FSIL (nicely) off at the pass 

  2) if you feel she won't heed his wishes, tell him and let him deal with her. 

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• VarunaTT member

  

  July 2015

  I wouldn't even have this conversation.  TBH, I would've told her straight off the bat, this is something to discuss with FI.  
  
  Now, I would tell FI what she wants to do and that he and his sister need to discuss this.  You being in the middle of that conversation is a recipe for hurt feelings, miscommunication, and disasters.

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