Wedding Etiquette Forum

How long to wait to write thank you notes myself?

I wrote the thank you notes to my side of the wedding guests and sent them out on Monday (9 days post wedding).

I asked DH to take care of his side (about 30 vs my 15).  He hasn't started them yet, but he was only off yesterday.

How long would you personally wait before just doing them yourself?

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Re: How long to wait to write thank you notes myself?

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Well if you two had agreed to do your own TY notes for your corresponding families then I wouldn't be doing his at all. I would, however, remind him that he needs to get going on them ASAP.

  • peachy13peachy13 in my cubicle, doing very important work member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Is there something preventing him from doing his side of the TY cards, or is he doing nothing when he could be writing these out? If the former, I say cut him some slack. It sounds like you're doing a great job with getting your TYs out as soon as possible, but let him know that you'd really like him to get these finished by the end of the month, that way he can task manage if he's a busy guy. 

    If it's the latter and he's just being lazy, I would bring the work to him. Literally. If it was my H, I bring him the cards, a pen, and some kind of tray or book to write on while he sits on the couch. Tell him to do at least 5 a night and it will only take 6 nights and then they will be all done. I hate to sound like you have to baby him, but I think it would be better than totally giving up and doing them yourself, especially if you both decided that he would write his side of the TY cards. I personally plan to do all of mine because FI's handwriting is just awful. GL!
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  • lyndausvi said:
    I would give him up to 30 days from the wedding.   Not sure I would let him off the hook of not doing them though.  I would just became a big ole nag.


    Cool, I was wondering when everyone here would start sideeye-ing their lateness! 

    I'm glad to have mine out of the way, but I don't think this is something that is weighing heavily on his mind in the first place!

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  • Well if you two had agreed to do your own TY notes for your corresponding families then I wouldn't be doing his at all. I would, however, remind him that he needs to get going on them ASAP.

    Well.... I'm not sure he "agreed" to this, but I told him I think it's fair since 1. a lot of them are boxed gifters, and I've already sent thank yous for about a million random boxed gifts from my 2 showers, and 2. why do I have to do everything!?  He says I'm being mean "making him" write them.

    I am definitely trying not to do them, but I don't want it to reflect badly on us, either.

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  • peachy13 said:
    Is there something preventing him from doing his side of the TY cards, or is he doing nothing when he could be writing these out? If the former, I say cut him some slack. It sounds like you're doing a great job with getting your TYs out as soon as possible, but let him know that you'd really like him to get these finished by the end of the month, that way he can task manage if he's a busy guy. 

    If it's the latter and he's just being lazy, I would bring the work to him. Literally. If it was my H, I bring him the cards, a pen, and some kind of tray or book to write on while he sits on the couch. Tell him to do at least 5 a night and it will only take 6 nights and then they will be all done. I hate to sound like you have to baby him, but I think it would be better than totally giving up and doing them yourself, especially if you both decided that he would write his side of the TY cards. I personally plan to do all of mine because FI's handwriting is just awful. GL!

    Well, he had been working (13 hr night shifts) since we got home from the HM, until yesterday afternoon.  So he hasn't been too lazy yet, I'm just wondering how long is reasonable... maybe even before I start nagging!

    I left the list, a box of notes, a pen, and some stamps all next to "his chair" along with a template of what they should read, but so far he's only moved the pile out of his way! haha

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  • I'd give him a gentle reminder now, then start nagging in about a week :)

    My husband was so nervous about writing his thank you cards (he only had 5 for his family and friends). He kept saying "I just don't know what to say! This seems like I'm saying the same lame generic thing to every person!". He whined about it enough that I just ended up doing his, which I was okay with because I know his heart was in the right place - he's just not the best at expressing himself. He did write the one to his grandfather (who I haven't met), who sent us a nice check even though his health didn't allow him to come to the wedding.

    Thank goodness for the "30 day" etiquette guidelines - between 2 weeks of honeymoon and 2 weeks of total work madness after getting back, we barely squeezed ours out in time.
  • Start to nag whenever you want, but please get them out in a timely manner.  I just this week got a TY note for a wedding I attended in December and gave them a $200 check for.  I had already written them off and decided they would never again get a gift from me.  I think the TY not was in the husband's handwriting since FH is his friend.  So he was probably tasked with writing his "side's" thank you notes and just didn't bother until the 6 month mark rolled around.  Super tacky and I totally judge.  But they've been taken off the DoNotGift list at least.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    IMHO, as long as they are out by about 6 weeks after the wedding, you're fine.

    I don't put up with my H ignoring things until I do them or making me nag him. When we did TY notes, I brought them out while we were watching tv and handed him his list. If I were in your position, I would wait for him to sit down and then physically put the pen in his hand.
    luckya23
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I wouldn't do them for him if he already agreed to do them, that's for sure. Not a good precedent. Good luck!
    ________________________________


    luckya23STARMOON44Knottie67868874
  • kvrunskvruns member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'd keep reminding. Sounds like he has the tools just not the motivation but I wouldn't do them for him. Mine dragged his feet a bit but finally when I sat down to do it he did too. He bitched about his step sis not sending one for months (he sent a gift early bc it was a destination wedding we didn't attend). They should have sent it before the wedding but alas he got one eventually
  • My husband was so nervous about writing his thank you cards (he only had 5 for his family and friends). He kept saying "I just don't know what to say! This seems like I'm saying the same lame generic thing to every person!".


    My fiance expressed the same concerns when I was bugging him to get the thank you notes done for the handful of gifts we received at our engagement party. I reminded him that they weren't lame or generic, but we genuinely felt the same gratitude towards everyone who gave us a gift. Also, it's not like people compare thank you notes to check for similarities.
    redheadbride15
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    luckya23 said:
    Well if you two had agreed to do your own TY notes for your corresponding families then I wouldn't be doing his at all. I would, however, remind him that he needs to get going on them ASAP.

    Well.... I'm not sure he "agreed" to this, but I told him I think it's fair since 1. a lot of them are boxed gifters, and I've already sent thank yous for about a million random boxed gifts from my 2 showers, and 2. why do I have to do everything!?  He says I'm being mean "making him" write them.

    I am definitely trying not to do them, but I don't want it to reflect badly on us, either.

    I think you need to remind him that these gifts were for the both of you so you should both share the responsibility of writing the thank you notes.

  • If his schedule continues to be that demanding, I might consider helping him out some. 13 hour shifts is rough, especially if he is doing it everyday for over a week straight. My husband and I have certain responsibilities around the house but since I've started working more, he's picked up some of my chores to help out so that way we actually have some free time together.
    Wegl13
  • Erikan73 said:
    If his schedule continues to be that demanding, I might consider helping him out some. 13 hour shifts is rough, especially if he is doing it everyday for over a week straight. My husband and I have certain responsibilities around the house but since I've started working more, he's picked up some of my chores to help out so that way we actually have some free time together.
    This is always his schedule.  He typically has 3 or 4 day weekends, though. 

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    luckya23 said:
    Erikan73 said:
    If his schedule continues to be that demanding, I might consider helping him out some. 13 hour shifts is rough, especially if he is doing it everyday for over a week straight. My husband and I have certain responsibilities around the house but since I've started working more, he's picked up some of my chores to help out so that way we actually have some free time together.
    This is always his schedule.  He typically has 3 or 4 day weekends, though. 
    Then he has time to write thank you notes over his long weekends.

    luckya23
  • Wegl13Wegl13 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    We sat down and wrote ours the day after we got married. He wrote one, I wrote one. Mostly he did his side and I did mine but when he ran out, he started doing mine as well. To me, just sit down at the kitchen table and do them together when he's off. 13 hour night shifts are a beast and you can say all you want about 3-4 day weekends, but I'd be shocked if half of that wasn't sleeping.
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Possible UO: If I was a guest I would be side-eyeing both of you if my thank you was not timely. 

    As a guest I would not know you agreed to split the written duties. As such I would think both of you were rude. So I guess it boils down to whether or not you care if his side thinks you are rude. If you don't care, don't write them. If you do care, I'd write them after 30 - and I'd be really pissed at my SO about it. I can't punish the guest tho if my SO is being a lazy brat. The guest could tart wondering if the gift was lost or if the couple is just rude.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • Possible UO: If I was a guest I would be side-eyeing both of you if my thank you was not timely. 

    As a guest I would not know you agreed to split the written duties. As such I would think both of you were rude. So I guess it boils down to whether or not you care if his side thinks you are rude. If you don't care, don't write them. If you do care, I'd write them after 30 - and I'd be really pissed at my SO about it. I can't punish the guest tho if my SO is being a lazy brat. The guest could tart wondering if the gift was lost or if the couple is just rude.
    Definitely this.  That last TY note I got over six months after the gift was given and check was cashed????  I judged Both the bride AND the groom.  Once I got the note, I realized due to the handwriting what probably happened, but it doesn't stop me from thinking they're both slackers.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited July 2015

    Possible UO: If I was a guest I would be side-eyeing both of you if my thank you was not timely. 


    As a guest I would not know you agreed to split the written duties. As such I would think both of you were rude. So I guess it boils down to whether or not you care if his side thinks you are rude. If you don't care, don't write them. If you do care, I'd write them after 30 - and I'd be really pissed at my SO about it. I can't punish the guest tho if my SO is being a lazy brat. The guest could tart wondering if the gift was lost or if the couple is just rude.
    I agree. As a guest it doesn't matter to me which of you writes me the thank-you note, but getting none at all because I was on the wrong "side" would leave a very bad taste in my mouth.
  • Wegl13 said:
    We sat down and wrote ours the day after we got married. He wrote one, I wrote one. Mostly he did his side and I did mine but when he ran out, he started doing mine as well. To me, just sit down at the kitchen table and do them together when he's off. 13 hour night shifts are a beast and you can say all you want about 3-4 day weekends, but I'd be shocked if half of that wasn't sleeping.

    I already did mine, and I'm very glad I didn't wait for him to be ready to sit down, as I had a family party on my side today.  Sure he sleeps a lot, but even then that brings him down to a normal weekend.  Believe me, writing my 50 thank you notes was not high on my fun list, but I had to make time!

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  • edited July 2015
    You should write the thank you notes out together.   "His side" is technically your family now and they gave you gifts.  You shouldn't divide the work based on sides of the family, you're married now.   If you want to keep that policy, then any money and gifts from "his side" are only for use by your husband. 

    I'm probably going to write all the thank you notes for the wedding because DH works a lot.  I'll sign both our names.  Again, it's not about "sides of the family" here, it's about making sure your guests are thanked for their gift in a timely manner. 
  • You should write the thank you notes out together.   "His side" is technically your family now and they gave you gifts.  You shouldn't divide the work based on sides of the family, you're married now.   If you want to keep that policy, then any money and gifts from "his side" are only for use by your husband. 

    I'm probably going to write all the thank you notes for the wedding because DH works a lot.  I'll sign both our names.  Again, it's not about "sides of the family" here, it's about making sure your guests are thanked for their gift in a timely manner. 

    LOL, IF ONLY THIS COULD BE OUR POLICY!!

    He already ate the jelly beans from his aunt, and I would be more than willing to concede the box of chocolate from his father's friend.  I'll keep the nice checks from my side.

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  • You should write the thank you notes out together.   "His side" is technically your family now and they gave you gifts.  You shouldn't divide the work based on sides of the family, you're married now.   If you want to keep that policy, then any money and gifts from "his side" are only for use by your husband. 

    I'm probably going to write all the thank you notes for the wedding because DH works a lot.  I'll sign both our names.  Again, it's not about "sides of the family" here, it's about making sure your guests are thanked for their gift in a timely manner. 
    Yes, you're married now and they're all family, but just because we're married doesn't mean we're one being. I have friends, he has friends, I have relationships, he has relationships. It made sense to us to each write out the thank you notes to "our sides" because even though his family is now my family, he still knows them better and has a closer relationship with them. It made more sense to us to do that, than to just divide it down the middle randomly. 

    Anyway, we discussed timelines for doing it. We ended up sending them out in circles instead of all at once. So some groups got a card before Christmas for our November wedding, and others got it after Christmas. We agreed that if we were going to see them over the holidays, we wanted the thank you card out before then, and everything else should be out be the end of January. That way we could both do it however we wanted (one a day, or all at once). 

    I don't get the idea of overly nagging and then doing it yourself. We talked about how people unfairly judge the woman for many things, including thank you notes, and it would look bad on me in particular if he didn't send his out (even though that it was totally unfair for them to judge me and not him for it, that doesn't change things). I wouldn't marry someone who didn't respect me enough to do something he agreed to!
  • UPDATE!! He wrote most of his last night!  I must have miscounted, because he wrote out 19, and skipped 3 which I will just do myself rather than keep bugging him about it.

    He skipped his parents because he said he would just talk to them and felt weird "writing them a letter" but I would much rather write a note than speak to them anyway, so I will just suck it up and do it. 

    20 days post wedding isn't too bad! 

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