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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Knottie67868874
member
Don't want family member to find out
I want to invite my cousin to our wedding. I have been separated from her most of my life due to her mom and my mom's relationship. I want to extend the olive branch to my cousin because I would like to have a relationship with her. I know she wouldn't be able to come to our wedding because she will be due at that time and it's a short plane ride away, but I think the gesture of inviting her would open up the possibility of a relationship, while not inviting her would close what may be our last chance (no more weddings to attend in our family since I'm the youngest).
My mom is adamant that I don't send my cousin the invitation till after the wedding, which to me seems to do more harm than good. My mom, justifiably, is worried that my aunt will find out about the date and place and show up, get drunk and ruin the wedding (this is based on past behavior).
How can I extend the olive branch (again, no expectation that my cousin would come) in a way that basically says - please don't tell your mom about this or show her the invitation?
The whole situation breaks my heart
My mom is adamant that I don't send my cousin the invitation till after the wedding, which to me seems to do more harm than good. My mom, justifiably, is worried that my aunt will find out about the date and place and show up, get drunk and ruin the wedding (this is based on past behavior).
How can I extend the olive branch (again, no expectation that my cousin would come) in a way that basically says - please don't tell your mom about this or show her the invitation?
The whole situation breaks my heart
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Don't want family member to find out
Your mom's idea of sending her the invitation makes no sense and would be rude etiquette-wise.
While you can invite your cousin only and have security available in case your aunt turns up, I do agree with @frenchiekin that I wouldn't use your wedding to rebuild your relationship with your cousin. If you really want to invite her, the time to start rebuilding it is now, by reaching out to her and dealing with her in a non-wedding related way. Then, when it comes time to send out invitations, you can add her to your guest list.
You really can't control your aunt though, unfortunately. However, if your venue is private, she can be denied admittance or removed. A public place is more difficult as technically ANYONE can attend, but you could have someone tell her she is not welcome (if she were to show up).
I agree that you shouldn't use the wedding as a chance to start a relationship with your cousin, but beyond that, if you want your cousin there, I'd invite her and not worry about the aunt (not that I wouldn't worry, more that I wouldn't let the rest of your relationships be affected by one aunt)- deal with that if and when it comes.
My mom and her siblings had a falling out years ago and it strained our relationship among the cousins. So I know exactly the way you are feeling as I felt the same way when I was planning my wedding. The big thing was that my mom never hindered a relationship between myself and either her siblings or my cousins. Now as an adult I have figured out for myself who I want to have a relationship with, so I still have a relationship with some and others I don't. For most of my cousins I have a facebook only relationship with them. Of my cousins on my mom's side, I did invite one, but he declined to attend since he felt it would be awkward to attend without his mom (who was not invited).
If you do want to have a relationship with your cousin, don't start with your wedding. Start by doing as PP suggested and send her a baby gift and a letter. I don't think by not inviting your cousin to your wedding will that completely shut down any chance for relationship.
As for your aunt, if she does show up, she cannot be barred from the church. A church is usually a sanctuary where all are welcomed. But if you are having a private reception, you can certainly bar her from attending that. It would not need to be your job or your mom's to bar her. Simply mention it to the venue and someone there should escort her out. If aunt were to then make a scene, it only reflects poorly on her.
Reach out to her on your own, without the wedding.
You mention that she's pregnant, send her a small package for the baby and write a letter saying how you're so excited for her and wish her and her baby well.
There are so many cute items you can send. you can get a small kit where she can make a print of the baby's hand or foot as a keepsake. there's a party store by my place that sells small puppy dogs with a marker where you write on the baby's name, date of birth, weight etc. then everyone who comes to visit the baby signs the puppy so the baby can have it as a keepsake growing up.
other ideas are a baby's first christmas ornament for the tree if they celebrate christmas.
I feel like this will far more accomplish mending the relationship and building that with her than just sending a wedding invitation would. it is far more personal and it focuses on the fact that you're aware and caring about a milestone in her life. it's a more giving gesture so to speak you know?
Big grand gestures (which sending her an invite is when it's out of the blue) often come off as empty displays. In fact, you know in advance that there's like a 95% chance she wouldn't even be able to make it due to her pregnancy, which just makes the gesture seem even more hollow. And unless she is completely on the outs with her own mother, your grand gesture forces her to lie and potentially strain her relationship with her mother. That's a pretty lousy thing to ask of someone - I'm not sure I would want to even have a relationship with someone whose first act of "friendship" is asking me to lie for the sake of their party.
Relationships aren't built on grand hollow gestures, they are built on series of small meaningful ones that show you have a genuine interest. So as other PP's have mentioned, send a baby gift, exchange email addresses, ask her how things are going in her life and see how it goes from there. Treating your wedding like the end all be all of relationship building is going to set yourself up for failure. Completely take your wedding out of the equation - in fact, if you aren't close at the moment I almost guarantee she has no expectation of an invitation anyway.