Wedding Etiquette Forum

To invite or not to invite..

Recently, my extended family had a falling out for whatever reason, and now two of my Aunts barely speak to me although I still see them at family functions once or twice a year (in which case they keep things civil but have no interest in me). I don't feel like I should invite them to our wedding next summer due to the way they have been treating me. My parents have been great with telling me to do whatever my fiancée and I would like as it is our day and we are paying for the entire wedding ourselves. Anyone have any advice?

Re: To invite or not to invite..

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Recently, my extended family had a falling out for whatever reason, and now two of my Aunts barely speak to me although I still see them at family functions once or twice a year (in which case they keep things civil but have no interest in me). I don't feel like I should invite them to our wedding next summer due to the way they have been treating me. My parents have been great with telling me to do whatever my fiancée and I would like as it is our day and we are paying for the entire wedding ourselves. Anyone have any advice?
    If you don't have a relationship with them and possibly do not wish to have a relationship with them in the future then no, you do not have to invite them.

    But I am wondering why they no longer speak to you if you were not involved in the falling out?  I am assuming you weren't involved since you really didn't say that you were involved. 

  • I would skip sending them save the date notice but see where your relationship is with them when it's time for you to send out invites. You never know if things might change between now & then.

    novella1186mollybarker11Fosmoh
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I don't know why you would even consider inviting people who have no interest in you and whom you don't feel you should invite. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    huskypuppy14JerseyBeachGal22Fosmoh
  • Thanks for the input everyone ,thats why these boards are helpful!
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    There's no need to invite family just because they are family. If they don't have a relationship with you, then there is no need to invite them.

    I have an uncle who is a total jackass and pretty much no one in my family really speaks with him anymore. He's not on the guest list. I'm not inviting him just because of some fictional family obligation.


    novella1186[Deleted User]
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If these people treat your poorly and don't speak to you, why would you even consider inviting them?

    [Deleted User]
  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 The Witch City member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    Do you want to have a relationship with them?

    If so, I might consider waiting on making the hard & fast decision to not invite.  A lot can happen between now and when it's time to send the invitiatons.

     

    [Deleted User]
  • I agree with the advice offered by PPs. I will add though, sometimes it might be the best thing to invite them I am
    Stubborn. Very. I hold grudges. I got married 11 years ago. 11 years before that my dad had a serious falling out with his sister that culminating in her husband fighting my dad. We were kids. We witnessed this. Very very limited contact since. And she is horrible to my grandfather. However, my grandfathers feelings would have been extremely hurt if we didn't invite her. Now, my grandpa is one of the very few people in the world who I would suck it up for to prevent hurting his feelings. So they were invited.

    8 years later my brother got married. He was going to invite that aunt and uncle for the exact same reason. Then grandpa said he prob wouldn't come because he's pretty much deaf (he did come. We also didn't know at this point that he had dementia which would also been why he may have not wanted to come). Because brother was only going to invite them for grandpa, he felt no reason to invite them of grandpa wasn't coming. So he didn't.

    Now, for most things in my life I would be, of course, don't invite them. However, you may be in a similar situation as we were and may want to take that into consideration. Or not. Either way is fine and obviously up to you.
  • edited July 2015
    Erikan73 said:

    I would skip sending them save the date notice but see where your relationship is with them when it's time for you to send out invites. You never know if things might change between now & then.



    This. If the situation hasn't changed, consider the following options:

    A: If you wish to have a relationship with them, send an invite. An invite is not a summons. if they do not wish to come, they will decline. 

    B: If you do not wish to have a relationship with them, don't invite them. 

    ETA: If you do wish to have a relationship with them, I would imagine that there would be an ongoing effort to build one. Not just avoiding the situation then sending a seemingly-random invite to your wedding. That would be awkward IMHO. 
  • I agree with PP that you should just wait until it's actually time to send the invite. 

    If you still feel the same way at that point, don't bother inviting them. 
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  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Don't invite them. You have no requirement to invite ANYONE to your wedding (aside from inviting a guest with their SO).

    If you don't have a relationship with these 2 aunts, I wouldn't consider them for the guest list.
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer


    Erikan73 said:

    I would skip sending them save the date notice but see where your relationship is with them when it's time for you to send out invites. You never know if things might change between now & then.



    This. If the situation hasn't changed, consider the following options:

    A: If you wish to have a relationship with them, send an invite. An invite is not a summons. if they do not wish to come, they will decline. 

    B: If you do not wish to have a relationship with them, don't invite them. 

    ETA: If you do wish to have a relationship with them, I would imagine that there would be an ongoing effort to build one. Not just avoiding the situation then sending a seemingly-random invite to your wedding. That would be awkward IMHO. 
    So you have to send invites to everyone you wish to have a relationship with? No. That's ridiculous. You invite who you want to invite. People shouldn't be butt hurt they aren't invited to t a wedding. If they are, well, that's not someone you should be friends with anyway.
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  • julieanne912julieanne912 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited July 2015


    Erikan73 said:

    I would skip sending them save the date notice but see where your relationship is with them when it's time for you to send out invites. You never know if things might change between now & then.



    This. If the situation hasn't changed, consider the following options:

    A: If you wish to have a relationship with them, send an invite. An invite is not a summons. if they do not wish to come, they will decline. 

    B: If you do not wish to have a relationship with them, don't invite them. 

    ETA: If you do wish to have a relationship with them, I would imagine that there would be an ongoing effort to build one. Not just avoiding the situation then sending a seemingly-random invite to your wedding. That would be awkward IMHO. 
    So you have to send invites to everyone you wish to have a relationship with? No. That's ridiculous. You invite who you want to invite. People shouldn't be butt hurt they aren't invited to t a wedding. If they are, well, that's not someone you should be friends with anyway.
    Unfortunately with family (at least some families) it's a bit different than friends.  I have this crazy cousin who has had a tumultuous relationship with more than one family member as she's bi-polar and a perpetual liar.  She and I have never had an actual falling out, but she unfriended me on facebook awhile back, not really sure why.  If it were up to me, I wouldn't invite her, her husband (who is husband #4), and her 3 children to the wedding (ie taking up 5 spots that I could use for people I would like to invite, but can't due to space).  She (cousin) likely won't come as they live out of state and it's during the school year.  But, if I didn't at least send her an invite, her mother, my mom's youngest sister, would throw a huge hissy fit and say we don't care about her family etc etc etc, so it's easier to just invite them than to deal with my aunt's drama.  
    Married 9.12.15
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer


    Erikan73 said:

    I would skip sending them save the date notice but see where your relationship is with them when it's time for you to send out invites. You never know if things might change between now & then.



    This. If the situation hasn't changed, consider the following options:

    A: If you wish to have a relationship with them, send an invite. An invite is not a summons. if they do not wish to come, they will decline. 

    B: If you do not wish to have a relationship with them, don't invite them. 

    ETA: If you do wish to have a relationship with them, I would imagine that there would be an ongoing effort to build one. Not just avoiding the situation then sending a seemingly-random invite to your wedding. That would be awkward IMHO. 
    So you have to send invites to everyone you wish to have a relationship with? No. That's ridiculous. You invite who you want to invite. People shouldn't be butt hurt they aren't invited to t a wedding. If they are, well, that's not someone you should be friends with anyway.
    Unfortunately with family (at least some families) it's a bit different than friends.  I have this crazy cousin who has had a tumultuous relationship with more than one family member as she's bi-polar and a perpetual liar.  She and I have never had an actual falling out, but she unfriended me on facebook awhile back, not really sure why.  If it were up to me, I wouldn't invite her, her husband (who is husband #4), and her 3 children to the wedding (ie taking up 5 spots that I could use for people I would like to invite, but can't due to space).  She (cousin) likely won't come as they live out of state and it's during the school year.  But, if I didn't at least send her an invite, her mother, my mom's youngest sister, would throw a huge hissy fit and say we don't care about her family etc etc etc, so it's easier to just invite them than to deal with my aunt's drama.  
    In my family, we didn't even invite 1/2 the cousins. We don't see them, and are not close, so they were cut. Some cousins didn't invite some other aunts and uncles, one cousin didn't even invite his own mother. So everyone's family dynamics are different, but if someone is pissed they weren't invited to my wedding, I don't care. I am not obligated to invite anyone. 

    My younger sister and I invited the exact same family to our weddings (I just used her list, made my life easy). My other sister, who just got married last weekend, didn't invite everyone from that list. She cut it to only local family and only 1 cousin. I don't think there will be any backlash, and my parents are very "it's your wedding, invite who you want", and don't take  bullshit from people who think they are entitled to be someplace they weren't invited. 
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers

    Unfortunately with family (at least some families) it's a bit different than friends.  I have this crazy cousin who has had a tumultuous relationship with more than one family member as she's bi-polar and a perpetual liar.  She and I have never had an actual falling out, but she unfriended me on facebook awhile back, not really sure why.  If it were up to me, I wouldn't invite her, her husband (who is husband #4), and her 3 children to the wedding (ie taking up 5 spots that I could use for people I would like to invite, but can't due to space).  She (cousin) likely won't come as they live out of state and it's during the school year.  But, if I didn't at least send her an invite, her mother, my mom's youngest sister, would throw a huge hissy fit and say we don't care about her family etc etc etc, so it's easier to just invite them than to deal with my aunt's drama.  
    What does the # of times she has been married have to do with this? 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    ShesSoColdthespeshulestsnowflakelc07
  • If you lived in a vacuum the answer would be as simple as invite them if you want them there, don't invite them if you don't want them there. But we live in a world where everything is connected; we don't live in a vacuum. So the decision is not that simple. Everyone's family is different, so the pros and cons of not inviting people will be different for everyone. 

    In my family, if I didn't invite an aunt or two but invited everyone else (even if I wasn't at all close with those aunts and we literally never spoke to each other except if we randomly ended up in the buffet line next to each other at christmas dinner), it would essentially be a declaration of war. It would be taken the same as publicly going up to them and saying "I DON'T LIKE YOU. I HOPE I NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN." And the family would all be forced to choose sides...and even the relatives who don't want to partake in the drama and don't care would give me attitude for causing such a major family rift for "no reason" and ruining the peace for everyone. 

    So, in my situation, we chose to spend the extra money and invite all the aunts. The pros clearly outweighed the cons.
    julieanne912
  • AddieCake said:

    Unfortunately with family (at least some families) it's a bit different than friends.  I have this crazy cousin who has had a tumultuous relationship with more than one family member as she's bi-polar and a perpetual liar.  She and I have never had an actual falling out, but she unfriended me on facebook awhile back, not really sure why.  If it were up to me, I wouldn't invite her, her husband (who is husband #4), and her 3 children to the wedding (ie taking up 5 spots that I could use for people I would like to invite, but can't due to space).  She (cousin) likely won't come as they live out of state and it's during the school year.  But, if I didn't at least send her an invite, her mother, my mom's youngest sister, would throw a huge hissy fit and say we don't care about her family etc etc etc, so it's easier to just invite them than to deal with my aunt's drama.  
    What does the # of times she has been married have to do with this? 
    Well, she's 30.  I could have added more details about the fact she marries guys for their military benefits and all that, but I didn't.  Just added it in there (probably not in the best way) to show she's a bit off her rocker.  
    Married 9.12.15
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  • MandyMost said:
    If you lived in a vacuum the answer would be as simple as invite them if you want them there, don't invite them if you don't want them there. But we live in a world where everything is connected; we don't live in a vacuum. So the decision is not that simple. Everyone's family is different, so the pros and cons of not inviting people will be different for everyone. 

    In my family, if I didn't invite an aunt or two but invited everyone else (even if I wasn't at all close with those aunts and we literally never spoke to each other except if we randomly ended up in the buffet line next to each other at christmas dinner), it would essentially be a declaration of war. It would be taken the same as publicly going up to them and saying "I DON'T LIKE YOU. I HOPE I NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN." And the family would all be forced to choose sides...and even the relatives who don't want to partake in the drama and don't care would give me attitude for causing such a major family rift for "no reason" and ruining the peace for everyone. 

    So, in my situation, we chose to spend the extra money and invite all the aunts. The pros clearly outweighed the cons.
    This is the message I was trying to get across.  You said this much better than I did.
    Married 9.12.15
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    I agree with the "this depends on the family dynamic" PPs. I have a fuckface uncle. Didn't invite him. Simple as that.

    H has ten aunts and uncles (all of which are married) on his mom's side. He's met them all (he thinks), but doesn't actually know any of them. We didn't invite them and his mom lost her shit. A year later, we're still getting passive-aggressive bullshit from my MIL and some of her siblings. Maybe it would have been easier in the long run to invite them, but oh well. I went ahead and filed that under not my problem. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    MandyMost said:
    If you lived in a vacuum the answer would be as simple as invite them if you want them there, don't invite them if you don't want them there. But we live in a world where everything is connected; we don't live in a vacuum. So the decision is not that simple. Everyone's family is different, so the pros and cons of not inviting people will be different for everyone. 

    In my family, if I didn't invite an aunt or two but invited everyone else (even if I wasn't at all close with those aunts and we literally never spoke to each other except if we randomly ended up in the buffet line next to each other at christmas dinner), it would essentially be a declaration of war. It would be taken the same as publicly going up to them and saying "I DON'T LIKE YOU. I HOPE I NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN." And the family would all be forced to choose sides...and even the relatives who don't want to partake in the drama and don't care would give me attitude for causing such a major family rift for "no reason" and ruining the peace for everyone. 

    So, in my situation, we chose to spend the extra money and invite all the aunts. The pros clearly outweighed the cons.
    This is the message I was trying to get across.  You said this much better than I did.
    I agree.  There are relatives and other people I would prefer not to invite to my wedding, but I do want to invite my parents and they would refuse to attend if these other people were not invited.  Not only that, but my parents would make all kinds of accusations against me.  It's not so easy to just "invite who you want to invite" and let everyone else worry about being "butthurt" if they take it out on you, or on people who take it out on you.
  • julieanne912julieanne912 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited July 2015
    Jen4948 said:
    MandyMost said:
    If you lived in a vacuum the answer would be as simple as invite them if you want them there, don't invite them if you don't want them there. But we live in a world where everything is connected; we don't live in a vacuum. So the decision is not that simple. Everyone's family is different, so the pros and cons of not inviting people will be different for everyone. 

    In my family, if I didn't invite an aunt or two but invited everyone else (even if I wasn't at all close with those aunts and we literally never spoke to each other except if we randomly ended up in the buffet line next to each other at christmas dinner), it would essentially be a declaration of war. It would be taken the same as publicly going up to them and saying "I DON'T LIKE YOU. I HOPE I NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN." And the family would all be forced to choose sides...and even the relatives who don't want to partake in the drama and don't care would give me attitude for causing such a major family rift for "no reason" and ruining the peace for everyone. 

    So, in my situation, we chose to spend the extra money and invite all the aunts. The pros clearly outweighed the cons.
    This is the message I was trying to get across.  You said this much better than I did.
    I agree.  There are relatives and other people I would prefer not to invite to my wedding, but I do want to invite my parents and they would refuse to attend if these other people were not invited.  Not only that, but my parents would make all kinds of accusations against me.  It's not so easy to just "invite who you want to invite" and let everyone else worry about being "butthurt" if they take it out on you, or on people who take it out on you.
    Yup, I already feel bad for FI's mom.  FI has an older half sister that he said was absolutely not invited.  I tried to reason with him that she probably wouldn't come as she lives far away and she can't even manage to make it home to his home state (which is closer) so his mom can see her grandkids, the kids would be in school etc etc etc, and that we should still just send her an invite.  But in the end, it was his decision, and that was no.  His mom's reaction was "Well, I guess I'm going to hear about it from her now".  Hopefully it doesn't cause too much headache for her.
    Married 9.12.15
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