Worried about the best man...

[Deleted User] · July 2015

My wedding is in a few months and it was obvious who my fiance's best man would be. I'm close with him as well, so I was fine with it, until he recently cheated on his wife. Rationally, there is no one better to be best man, but the thought of this guy, planning the bachelor party and what not makes me anxious... I feel like what he's done is the opposite of what marriage stands for. He really disgusts me, and thinking of him up there with us just makes me uncomfortable. However, I don't want to be a control freak and tell my fiance to choose a new best man. Any suggestions or thoughts?

MyNameIsNot · July 2015

Knottie1424923594 said:

My wedding is in a few months and it was obvious who his best man would be. I'm close with him as well, so I was fine with it, until he recently cheated on his wife. Rationally, there is no one better to be best man, but the thought of this guy, who turned out to be not such a stand up guy, planning the bachelor party and what not makes me anxious... He's supposed to be up there with us, but what he's done is the opposite of what marriage stands for. I almost worry that he'll taint our wedding. Any suggestions or thoughts?

His relationship with his wife and his actions have nothing to do with your wedding. He is there because your FI wants to honor his relationship with his best friend. He is not meant to be an example of marriage or a role model.

The b-party is irrelevant. If you trust your FI, it doesn't matter what the BM does at the b-party.

southernbelle0915 · July 2015

Are you worried that he will arrange to have your FI cheat on you? Your FI's approval of bach party plans and his behavior at the party are 100% within his own control. You can't already place blame on the party planner, when your FI is an adult who makes his own decisions.

Also, your FI's attendants are his choice, just as yours are your choice. You wouldn't want him attempting to control your friendships, so don't try to control his.

If you trust your FI and that he is his own person independent of the BM, you don't have anything to worry about.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

Knottie1424923594 said:

My wedding is in a few months and it was obvious who my fiance's best man would be. I'm close with him as well, so I was fine with it, until he recently cheated on his wife. Rationally, there is no one better to be best man, but the thought of this guy, planning the bachelor party and what not makes me anxious... I feel like what he's done is the opposite of what marriage stands for. He really disgusts me, and thinking of him up there with us just makes me uncomfortable. However, I don't want to be a control freak and tell my fiance to choose a new best man. Any suggestions or thoughts?

What happened in his relationship has ZERO bearing on him being your FI best man. A best man is someone who is the nearest and dearest to the groom. That is it.

And just because this person cheated does not mean he is going to plan a b-party that results in your FI cheating on you.

You need to separate what happened in his relationship and his role in your wedding, because they are two very different things.

As to the bolded, does that mean that you are not inviting anyone else who may have cheated? Or has gotten a divorce? Are you only inviting people who are in perfect, happy marriages? Can you see how silly that bolded comment is? Anyway, the wedding party are people you are close with, not people who show the best what marriage means.

ShesSoCold · July 2015

Exactly what PPs said. You're not asking this guy for marriage counseling, you're honoring him by making him the best man. Him being the BM and him cheating on his wife are two totally separate, independent pieces that have nothing to do with each other.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Thank you for your replies. You're all right. I do trust my FI, I think I just freaked because this guy always tries to give my FI relationship advice and whatnot. I don't think he would ever try to put my FI in a bad situation, but I just lost respect for him and it just made my worries get the best of me. But I will put more weight on the trust I have for my FI.

climbingsingle · July 2015

What's gone on in his marriage is none of your business. He didn't cheat on you. You need to get over this and move on. Trust your FI.

Jen4948 · July 2015

His marriage has nothing to do with yours. And it's entirely up to your FI who his best man and groomsmen are, just as it's entirely up to you who your MOH and bridesmaids are.

I'd let it go.

Viktoria16 · July 2015

My fiance's Best Man is also not the best role model of marriage... He and his fiance are off and on depending on the week, but I have to bite my tongue. He and my fiance are incredibly close-- practically family. It's hard, but in the long run of your MARRIAGE, you should be able to trust your fiance, no matter what his Best Man does.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

This would make me really uncomfortable as well, OP. Thinking of a cheater giving relationship advice to my FI and trying to rationalize his own infidelity on a boys night out would absolutely make my skin crawl (I have an over active imagination, I recognize this as a problem....). So I get where your head space is. However, people screw up, marriages survive, and at the end of the day how he totally effed up has nothing to do with you or your wedding.

kimmiinthemitten · July 2015

Knottie1424923594 said:

Thank you for your replies. You're all right. I do trust my FI, I think I just freaked because this guy always tries to give my FI relationship advice and whatnot. I don't think he would ever try to put my FI in a bad situation, but I just lost respect for him and it just made my worries get the best of me. But I will put more weight on the trust I have for my FI.

*****Boxes****

Do you think BM's advice is "Hey man it's okay to cheat?" If it is, it's your FI's place to say to his friend, I'm excited about my marriage, please respect that.

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors in anyones relationship. Maybe his relationship advice, is "make sure you're getting married for the right reasons and not just because you feel like it's the next step so you can avoid a loveless marriage like mine." Maybe it's "hey, you have a great thing going for you, don't screw it up like I did." Often times, people who have experienced failed relationships and/or survived problems have the best perspective and advice even if they handled it differently than you think you may have

Either way, as PP have said, it should have no bearing on his ability to be a part of your WP.

Knottie94935726 · July 2015

I totally get where you are coming from! My fiancé also has terrible taste in his friends. His best man is an awful person who is a really bad influence. He encourages my fiancé to cheat and has cheated many times himself. I think it speaks to my fiancée character that he chooses friends like this. But what can I do. I don't have to be friends with the guy myself. So I just try my best to let it go. It can be really hard at time since I have trust issues. But anyways. Just do your best to grin and bear it! Hopefully you'll be so overwhelmed with the joy of everything else going on that you won't even think about it on the actual wedding day. As for the bachelor party. Let him know your concerns and hopefully your fiancé will be honest about the details. Good luck!

climbingsingle · July 2015

Knottie94935726 said:

I totally get where you are coming from! My fiancé also has terrible taste in his friends. His best man is an awful person who is a really bad influence. He encourages my fiancé to cheat and has cheated many times himself. I think it speaks to my fiancée character that he chooses friends like this. But what can I do. I don't have to be friends with the guy myself. So I just try my best to let it go. It can be really hard at time since I have trust issues. But anyways. Just do your best to grin and bear it! Hopefully you'll be so overwhelmed with the joy of everything else going on that you won't even think about it on the actual wedding day. As for the bachelor party. Let him know your concerns and hopefully your fiancé will be honest about the details. Good luck!

So let me get this straight. You feel that your FI's friends are all awful people, and you think this speaks to the kind of character your FI has. Character/integrity is a huge fucking part of what makes someone up. Why would you marry someone who has what you consider a questionable character?

kimmiinthemitten · July 2015

climbingwife said:

Knottie94935726 said:

I totally get where you are coming from! My fiancé also has terrible taste in his friends. His best man is an awful person who is a really bad influence. He encourages my fiancé to cheat and has cheated many times himself. I think it speaks to my fiancée character that he chooses friends like this. But what can I do. I don't have to be friends with the guy myself. So I just try my best to let it go. It can be really hard at time since I have trust issues. But anyways. Just do your best to grin and bear it! Hopefully you'll be so overwhelmed with the joy of everything else going on that you won't even think about it on the actual wedding day. As for the bachelor party. Let him know your concerns and hopefully your fiancé will be honest about the details. Good luck!

So let me get this straight. You feel that your FI's friends are all awful people, and you think this speaks to the kind of character your FI has. Character/integrity is a huge fucking part of what makes someone up. Why would you marry someone who has what you consider a questionable character?

I thought the same thing when I read that!

FI has a good friend and the guy is a total douchebag (brags about how much money he makes, is rude to people he sees no value in, etc). But he's also the friend who skipped law school for a day, brought over dinner and hung out with FI after having hernia surgery. He's the guy who was on the phone with FI for an hour when FI finally confessed up to how abusive his ex was and who helped him get the courage to dump the BSC right then. So while I don't like him personally, I don't think he's a bad friend and I don't judge FI for his friendship with him.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

Spoonsey said:

This would make me really uncomfortable as well, OP. Thinking of a cheater giving relationship advice to my FI and trying to rationalize his own infidelity on a boys night out would absolutely make my skin crawl (I have an over active imagination, I recognize this as a problem....). So I get where your head space is. However, people screw up, marriages survive, and at the end of the day how he totally effed up has nothing to do with you or your wedding.

I have an over active imagination as well! Lol, hence what brought up this question in the first place. Since he's the oldest/the leader of my guy's group, I just imagined him making up for the losses in his marriage by dragging them to do bad things. But I totally realized from all the responses that as long as I trust my FI thats all that matters. Thanks!

loveislouder · August 2015

So this person's account was deleted... I have a question. If I delete my account, can I make another one or is that like having an AE? @KnotRiley ?

AddieCake · August 2015

loveislouder said:

So this person's account was deleted... I have a question. If I delete my account, can I make another one or is that like having an AE? @KnotRiley ?

Why do you want to delete your account and make a new one? Are you wanting to be the new catfish?

loveislouder · August 2015

AddieCake said:

loveislouder said:

So this person's account was deleted... I have a question. If I delete my account, can I make another one or is that like having an AE? @KnotRiley ?

Why do you want to delete your account and make a new one? Are you wanting to be the new catfish?

Oh, you caught me AddieCake. That's exactly what I want to do. How did you ever guess?

Worried about the best man...

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